AN this is a triple update so make sure you've read 56 first
No one knew about my attempt to... well, to not be here anymore.
No one knew the gritty details about that night. No one knew how close I had been to the end. No one knew how desperate I had been at that point.
No one, except Austin and Lucy.
I had only told Austin because I felt so guilty about stealing his pills. I felt horrible about making him an almost accomplice to my own murder.
I'll never forget the look on his face when I told him. It was like a final understanding of just how bad it had all gotten, and just how tragic it all might have been. A stunned, alarmed, devastating comprehension.
And that was just Austin, who before our new found friendship, considered us to be barely acquaintances.
So, I laid in my bed for hours, watching as the sun crept further and further into the sky, listening to the birds chirping loudly, happily signalling another morning. I laid there simply picturing the look on Zane's face.
If he ever found out.
Zane hadn't told me what time he was picking me up. I could call him, or I could text him and ask. The problem was that I was terrified he would tell me he changed his mind, and he actually didn't want to see me. That he actually didn't want anything to do with me.
So, as soon as my clock read a reasonable time, I got ready. I took extra time in grooming myself. I spent almost an hour on my hair, perfectly curling the long strands. I had to remember how to apply makeup, it felt like, because I hadn't worn any in so long. I painstakingly picked every article of clothing out, trying to find the perfect outfit.
I don't know why I cared so much. This was Zane. He had seen me at my worst. He's known me at my worst. He's cared for me at my worst.
But, maybe it's because I felt like a different person now. New and improved, in my opinion. Maybe I just wanted Zane to think so, too.
Finally, when I had nothing left to primp or fix, I sat my ass down on my living room sofa. My ears listening attentively for either the sound of wheels turning into my driveway, or the ring of my phone.
Eventually, I had to pretend to watch TV. I had to pretend to watch the TV because it's been four hours and I was still sitting in the same place.
"Did Zane cancel your plans, honey?" My dad asked me as he walked into the room, after a shocked look tentatively passed over his face. Likely at the fact that I was still sitting here.
"I don't know." I told him honestly.
"Well, maybe something came up. Did you try to call him?" He rubbed my shoulder gently as he walked behind the couch, grabbing his keys from the key holder on the wall beside me.
"Not yet." I mumbled.
My dad looked back towards me hesitantly. "Did you want me to stay home with you? We could order a pizza and watch a movie. I got called in for a meeting, but I'm sure they'll understand if I cancel."
I smiled at him. It was a genuine smile. He was really trying to be there for me. He wasn't just trying, actually. He was succeeding. "I'll be fine. Thank you though, for thinking of me."
"Are you sure?" My dad asked me again.
"I'm sure, Dad." I told him.
I glanced at the clock after my dad walked out the door. 1pm .
By 2, my legs started to grow restless, so I started pacing the living room.
By 4, I had actually fallen into the trap that was reality TV. I watched as two blonde girls screamed at each other, they were both wrong as they spewed their vicious words, but it was entertaining.
By 5, I had lost hope. The day was almost over. I let the knowledge that Zane hadn't come seep into my mind. I knew Zane. Well, I thought I did. He would have called, if there was reason he couldn't come.
No. He didn't come because he didn't want to.
I groaned as I heard my phone ring, Zane's name popping up on the screen. This was him calling to break the news.
"Hi." I answered. I could hear the disappointment in my own voice.
"I'm outside."
I almost dropped my phone as I swung my legs off the couch, running over to the door. I opened it quickly, almost expecting there to be no car in my driveway. There was though. Zane's black car was there.
I felt a sudden attack of nervousness shoot through my system. I knew I had missed Zane, but seeing him here, so close, I guess I hadn't realized just how much I had missed him.
I tried to walk to the car as calmly as possible. I'm not sure it worked. I could see the shake in my arms as I pulled the door open.
There he sat, looking over at me with the same eyes that I've seen in my dreams lately. His hair was longer, the ends wrapping in small curls. I let my eyes run down his jaw line, and then over his lips. He looked the same, but he looked different. He didn't look as happy as I had pictured him. He looked tired. Zane's brown eyes were peering back at me, seemingly doing the same thing I was doing to him. He was running them over every one of my features. I wondered what he thought of them.
"Hey." I smiled at him, and I was disappointed that I didn't get one back. Zane's smiles were my favourite. I had never seen anyone with a smile as beautiful as Zane's.
"Hi." He muttered, ripping his eyes away from me and focusing on the steering wheel instead.
I lowered my body into the car. I was still looking at him. I ran my eyes down his body. The way his hoodie tightened around his arm muscles, the way it had risen just slightly at his waist, the defined muscles of his stomach peeking through the gap.
"So." He said, causing my eyes to flick back up to his face. "You're the one who wanted to do this. Is there something you had in mind?"
It was Zane's polite way of saying what the hell do you want?
Zane looked a little confused when I told him where I wanted him to drive to. I had expected that. I had even expected a little questioning, but he didn't give that to me. He simply put the car in drive, without another word. And he stayed like that for the entire drive. He didn't say a single thing.
I didn't either, though I wanted to. I wanted to ask him a million things. I wanted to know everything that had happened with him since the last time I had seen him.
But I didn't. I sat in the noticeable silence, listening to the sound of the car engine. I listened to the car engine because for the first time in all the many times I've been in Zane's car, he didn't play any music.
Eventually, he pulled the car over, on the same deserted side street that I remembered so vividly. He didn't look at me as he exited the car. I thought he was going to walk down the path without me, leaving me behind without a second thought. He didn't, though. Once he reached the opening in the large trees, he stopped, glancing back towards me.
I almost held my breath as we walked down the path. I think I would have, if the walk hadn't left me needing oxygen. Zane looked lost in his own world as he walked in front of me.
If the view of the cliffs was beautiful the last time we were here, it was unbelievable today. The sun was beginning to set, casting delicate pink shadows through the sky, bouncing off the water and making it almost impossible to distinguish where the sky ended and the water started. I felt the ease of my anxiety at the sight. It was gorgeous.
Zane barely looked at the view, however, he just sat on one of the rocks, looking to me expectantly.
I didn't know where to start, even though I had practiced this conversation about one hundred times in my head last night. I had a whole list of things I wanted to say, yet now that I was here, looking at Zane, I didn't know what to say.
"I'm sorry." I said finally. It felt like a good place to start.
"You're sorry?" Zane repeated. He didn't say the words in a snarky way, or in a rude way. The words were pained as they came out of his mouth.
"I am. I'm sorry." I walked closer to him, and I could practically feel the way he tensed around me.
"What are you sorry for, Seren?" Zane asked me, as he shoved his hands into his pockets. He looked away from me, averting his eyes.
I sighed as I sat down beside him. "Everything, I guess. But, mostly, I'm sorry for pushing you away."
Zane looked back at me, the confusion shining on his face told me that he hadn't expected those words.
"I was trying to work through things. You know, all the stuff in my head. I was trying to work through what happened. That night, and everything that happened before." I told him.
"Why did you need to push me away to do that? I could have been there for you. I could have helped you." Zane said.
"I know, you could have. But... it wasn't just everything that happened with Jax that I was trying to sort through, Zane. I was trying to sort through us, too. Me and you." I rested my head on my shoulder, looking out towards the sunset.
Zane sighed, as if in understanding. "So, I was right. You were confused."
"You were right." I told him. "Aren't you always?"
"Not always, Seren."
"You've always been right when it comes to me though, Zane." I said, my voice coming out like a breath.
"I wish I wasn't right about this, though." Zane said quietly.
"That's why I needed space, Zane. I didn't want to be confused anymore." I told him as I stood to my feet, walking over to the ledge.
"Did it work?" Zane asked me.
I chuckled lowly. "Not really."
"So, then what?" I heard Zane stand up as well, I heard his footsteps as he followed me to the edge of the rocks.
"When Jax died, it was hard. It was harder than I expected it to be. Everything that I had made sense of became confusing again. But, there were some things that were confusing that became clear. I thought about all the loose ends that I have. All the loose threads that weren't tied into a knot. I thought about the things that would be left unsaid if I was the one who died, instead of Jax."
"Like what?" Zane asked me, and by the sound of his voice I knew he wasn't far away from me, but I didn't turn to look at him. I kept my eyes on the water.
"Well, there's a lot of things... isn't there? You know, school. Olivia, Trinity... Carter, Cain. There's so many things left unsaid. So many conflicts that never received resolutions. But, I also realized I didn't really care about those loose threads. I only ever cared about one."
Zane was silent, but I saw him in the corner of my eye. He was staring at me intently, waiting for the rest of my words.
"I only cared about the things left unsaid between us, because there's so many, Zane. There's so many things I want to say."
"Say them, then." Zane said quietly.
"Almost every day since Jax was arrested, I've been trying to figure out my feelings towards you. I've been trying to understand if you were right, when you said I only finally saw you because you saw me. But then I realized, does that really matter?" I kicked one of the rocks on the ground, watching as it toppled over the edge.
"I have spent so many years desperately trying to feel something. Drinking until I blacked out, smoking, doing drugs. Just to feel something, anything. I thought I had been succeeding, at the time. I really thought I had been. And then Jax raped me, and I felt so much that I started to feel nothing instead. And I was beginning to think I would never feel anything again."
I paused, in case Zane wanted to say anything, but he didn't, so I continued.
"And then you came along, and you made me feel again. Zane, you made me feel again when I could have sworn I would be numb forever. You did that. You made me feel wanted, appreciated, scared, nervous, happy, comforted. You made me feel alive again."
"Seren, I..."
"Wait, just let me get this out. Please." I turned towards him, blinking the tears out of my eyes. "So, I realized that it didn't really matter if I only saw you because you saw me. It didn't matter because I still loved you either way."
I heard Zane's sharp intake of breath at my words, but I still didn't stop.
"I had wondered if you were too intertwined with Jax in my mind, but again, I realized it didn't matter. I didn't just love you because you made me feel again after Jax, I loved you because you made me feel again in spite of Jax. Even when I was cold, and terrified, and lost... you made me feel more than I've ever felt before."
Zane grabbed my hand, squeezing it tightly as I felt the tears overflow onto my face.
"The day that we spent here, it's proof. All the things that were happening around us, all the wars that were raging in mind, they all faded when you brought me here. I felt hope again, that day. I felt hope take seed in my soul. And it was because of you, Zane. I want that. I want it with you. I want to be fearless with you. I want us to swim the waters together."
"I want that, too, Seren." Zane said quickly.
I shook my head, looking down at the ground again. "I want you to say that, Zane. I want you to feel that way. But you can't yet, because there's things that you don't know. There's things that you don't know that you need to know."
Zane titled his head at me, unsure of my words.
"And I'm going to tell you them. All of them."