As time goes by, you grow used to not having a person around no matter how important they were to you. This is what I've learned in my thirty years: whether you want it or not, you move on because that's what you must do to survive. The more time passes, the more I spend without thinking of him. One day became two, two became three, three became a week, and with the week came the habit of moving on. Not remembering his face anymore became customary.
Truthfully, I was disappointed that Jimin didn't take me with open arms ㅡ after all, he is Jimin, and Jimin loves me. It was foolish of me to think that his feelings would wait for me to feel the same way, too. I had no right to hold a grudge for that, deep down I felt like I deserved the rejection I was facing, I deserved to be hurt. It was fine that the one person who I know that belongs with me does not agree with it. With age came the maturity to accommodate alongside deception.
It was a mistake to think that he would always be there, to take him for granted, but I wasn't fooling myself when I thought that this would be possible. I was there with him through that weekend, I saw it in the way he looked at me, the way he touched me. Or have I seen only what I wanted to see?
I was insecure and anxious when I thought about his rejection, thinking that perhaps I had disappointed him somehow. I wrongfully thought of him as my last chance of being happy with someone, and now I had to deal with the emotional mess I had put myself in. This is what happens when the line between friends and lovers becomes blurred.
The second night of the trip we were a lot less timid and the fact that we wanted to fuck each other was no longer a shared secret. Jimin was a tireless lover, always taking in more and wanting more of me, to the point where I thought that we may never stop. I explored his body that night with the curiosity of a cat, trying to push his buttons and figuring out what worked and what didn't, and while he did the same to mine, it was clear that this is what he wanted. It was beautiful how much he always seemed to want more.
The feeling of emptiness that crept in came as a result of the certainty that I wasn't worth anyone's love, simply because I had no idea how to love another human. I was not good enough for him then, and I am not good enough for him now.
On a quiet Wednesday night, a night when the quietness in my apartment became too much and my cat's company was not enough, I turned on my computer and typed on the web browser 'www.exzone.com'. A few minutes later after the page loaded, I searched through the content to see what people were talking about and, with a lot of self-consciousness, typed in my own message on the board.
cyborg71:
[Seoul resident]
Male, 30, 1.79m. Straight black hair with long bangs below the eyebrows, no tattoos, skinny, non-smoker, no six-pack but muscular. Small face with big features, very tanned skin. Flex guy looking for a top or bottom to have fun for one night. No weird kinks!
An hour and a half later I was in a parking lot of a hotel in Incheon waiting for a man I knew as the muscular, 180cm Strawberry Man, who was two years younger than me and a top. He posted his number and I immediately deleted the post for safety, giving him a call and arranging a meeting at the Mok Motel, and also describing the car I would be waiting for him.
I heard a faint knock on the window of my unmistakable jeep and without seeing the man's face, I unlocked the door. He opened it without ceremonies, I saw his body first, under formal black clothes and an elegant gray overcoat, I could see he was indeed very muscular even through all those layers. Once he sat on the passenger's seat and revealed the most gorgeous pair of lips on a man that I had ever seen, I could not contain the smirk that crept up my own while exchanging eye contact with the stranger in my car.
His hair was dark and styled with effortless waves, as though he woke up like that. I watched his big hands resting on his lap without a word, my mind going wild with all the things I pictured those hands doing to me. His milky white skin had many speckles, one of them on the bridge of his nose, and the other on his tiny nostril. I took a deep breath and inhaled his strong cologne, a cheap one you'd smell everywhere, and imagined several other places where beauty marks would be perfectly placed. He was shy and uncomfortable with my strong gaze, avoiding eye contact as I suffered from anticipation and admired him for the beautiful piece of meat he is.
"So", I was the first to talk. "Do you like what you see?"
His hawk-like hooded eyes analyzed me. "I do."
"Let's get inside, shall we?"
"I'm sorry, what is your name?" Strawberry asked on the way to our rented bedroom.
"You're new to this, aren't you?" I playfully teased, not meaning to sound rude. He didn't smile back. This is his first time getting involved with a stranger online, I concluded.
Strawberry's lips were a dark shade of pink, and when he spoke, his perfectly lined teeth reminded me of Jimin's new smile, after he fixed his chipped tooth. The only thing I could hear was our breathing as we slowly ㅡ and separately ㅡ undressed inside that cheap, poorly decorated motel room with the discomfort expected of the situation. We stood in our underwear, under the other's judging gaze, desiring a body that lacked personality and soul.
I touched his sculpted chest with the tip of my fingers, going around his dark brown areola and pinching it. He hissed, skin turning redder with bright orange walls contrasting with it, I enjoyed his reaction. Strawberry said he was a top on the brief messages we exchanged on exzone, but what I didn't know was that he was a shy top. Perhaps he was new to this game altogether.
My lips met with his nipples first, and then his salty neck from the cologne, with wet kisses and gentle bites onto his pale skin. Strawberry's big hands touched my body delicately, as one pets a stray cat afraid it'll bite you. I drew his full lips with my thumb, the difference in our skin tone more apparent when put them together like such.
A beautiful man with a kind, desiring touch. I asked myself how could I know such a divine creature in a place like this, as people like him seemed to be alive only in my dreams. When I claimed his lips, my eyes lingered half-opened, looking at him from up close as our tongues got together in a clumsy encounter. And as a quiet plea, we devoured each other, begging for help. Help me feel something, lonesome stranger.
Strawberry's penis was as holy as his face, which was incredibly annoying, having a man who obviously had no self-consciousness of his own perfection. I was thankful that he is beautiful, for it made me forget about my heartache. But he did not make me forget about Jimin ㅡ no. In every smile of his, in every speckle, in every moan; Jimin was trapped under his heavenly skin.
//
On a quiet September Sunday morning, many houses were filled with Chuseok traditions, the older son of each family hosting the gathering. For my own family, the tradition meant to spend with omma eating and drinking just the two of us, in our own particular way that time and death made us adapt to celebrate it. Halmoni died two years ago and omma doesn't talk to three of her four sisters, so instead of having the house filled with relatives, as the eldest son of an incomplete family, I filled my house with food and omma.
I picked her up at the train station, bought us meat, and helped her cook while learning how to prepare each meal. I washed the vegetables, cut the meat and watched the water boil for her while we drank beer in my kitchen, leaning over the counter. She did her best to hide it, but Chuseok means spending time with the entire family, having only me there felt lonely. I knew it because it felt lonely for me too, without appa. Like spending Valentine's Day alone even though you have a boyfriend ㅡ you're not with who you're supposed to be.
"I miss appa", I confessed as I watched her skillful hands cook. The same hands that protected me my entire life, held my own while crossing the street, fed me and bathed me, seemed now fragile with age.
"Me too, Taehy. Especially now", omma referred to the holiday. She firmly held the knife and moved slowly with it, aware of her own limitations.
As I watched her cook and chat about the same things she always did, I noticed omma's white strands of hair were getting thicker, and no longer permed as it was for my entire adolescence. She watched me grow right in front of her, and I didn't notice until that moment that she too had grown. One white strand had become a bunch of sections and in a few years, she'd sport a full head of grey hair. The wrinkles around her eyes and forehead that appeared only when she smiled were there permanently.
"At thirty years old I was married and carried a 10-year-old up and down wherever I went because he wouldn't let omma go for nothing", she babbled as though I wasn't there. "It's good that you have a house and all, but you should be married soon. You have a good job, it's time you settle down now."
She made me promise I would put myself out there and get a girlfriend, but like many others before, it was an empty promise. Women are really drawn to me for my looks, but once they get to know me a little better, they can sense that I'm not like the others. They can feel my insecurities and if I get a little too comfortable and ask for something they aren't familiar with, they leave and never come back. This is why my relationships with women, much like with men, are usually as brief as one night can be.
During our meal, I tried to convince her to come live with me in Seoul, as it didn't make sense for her to continue living in Daegu even after halmoni died.
"Don't be silly", she said as she politely refused, arguing that I would lose my privacy and wouldn't get a girlfriend after that. "Am I supposed to sleep in the queen-sized bed upstairs with you forever?"
So I told her I'd pay her an apartment nearby, and she quickly refused as well.
Omoni finished her beer, a rare sight of her drinking alcohol, and stopped drinking after the second can. She never really drank because of appa's drinking problems. After his death, she loosened up her strings.
I thought it was odd that she didn't want to live near me, and came to the most logical conclusion; something's holding her in Daegu.
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
She laughed out loud, cheeks and ears burning red. "Kim Taehyung!"
"It would be weird, but I don't mind. I just want you to be happy."
"Thank you", she rubbed my hand over the table. "But appa..."
Her voice died off.
"Appa?" I tried to encourage her.
"Ji-hoon was the only one for me, Taehy", she smirked fondly as her eyes wandered, reminiscing him. "You don't know how much I sacrificed to be with him."
"You're always saying that", I sipped on my beer, feeling tipsy beside omma and unusually talkative. I missed her. "Tell me what I don't know."
She pondered for a few moments. "You're an adult now, I suppose..." She thought out loud. "There's no problem in telling you now."
"What?" I fixed my posture, mentally preparing for the story.
"Taehy, we didn't want to be a bad influence in your life, that is why we decided not to tell you", she calmly explained, the creases in her forehead growing deeper. "Give omoni another beer."
I chuckled as I promptly abided, gathering our dishes on the sink while she made herself comfortable on my couch, next to my cat. I opened two more beers and sat by her side as she delicately combed through her fur with her long slim fingers, legs crossed on the couch. She took the can with a sassy smile, as a naughty teenager does right before sneaking a gulp of their parent's beer.
"Tell me."
"I'm scared you'll think ill of me."
"I would never", I gave her my pinky finger. "I promise."
"Aigo, we're too old for that", she slapped my hand away and took a delicate sip of the sour alcohol. "Taehy, way before you were born, I was promised to someone. Halmoni had made arrangements for me to get married to a wealthy young man so I wouldn't have to attend high school or be a working woman. I actually had a chance to live comfortably; a pretty face was the currency of class mobility back then", she touched her chin humorously. "But I said no, I insisted I wanted to go to school, simply because I didn't want to marry so soon- but I didn't tell them that. I told omma and unnies I wanted to get an education first, so after a lot of fighting we arranged that I study, but guess what."
She paused to drink. "What?"
"We didn't have any money! So my fiancé paid for all my fees and I enrolled in high school."
"I imagine the wealthy young man wasn't abeoji..."
"Right you are! Abeoji was the son of the neighborhood's smiths man, he wouldn't dream of attending high school. He was training to be a smiths man like his father when I met him on my way to school one day. Needless to say, Taehy, we fell in love. We saw each other every day, and every day my heart would beat fast like the first time I met him. He was all I thought about, I couldn't keep my grades up because he was on my mind stealing my sanity", she giggled and I joined her. "How hard it was for us to be together. Can you imagine? I not only was promised to that man, now my family owed him money. Abeoji saved up for three years, the entirety of my high school years, so we could run away together to Seoul."
I did not hold back my expressions, reacting wildly to every detail of that story. She had always been a great storyteller. "Omo! Omma, I never thought of you as a romantic. Is that why omma's unnies don't talk to you anymore?"
"Bingo. We made such a mess, Ji-hoon even punched that man's cheek once", she laughed while imitating the movements. "We laugh now, but it was scary. I thought they would kill kim- well, kill us."
I silently drank, processing the whole story and understanding why they decided to wait so long to tell me. This isn't exactly a child-friendly love story, but it was amazing how strong their love was and how brave they were to fight for it. I saw omma through different lenses that night, one that recognizes her as more than just omma.
From the moment I was born, she was my mother. She protected and fed me. I saw her as omma, but I never stopped to think that she had been alive way before I was, that she, too, had been a child once. Not only a child, a teenager in love willing to face her entire family for the man she loved. I realized that omma was Kim Eun-ae before she was ever omma.
"When abeoji left, I just wanted to go with him", she tried to hide her watery eyes. The bridge of my nose burned with her words, the shakiness in her voice exposing how unusually vulnerable she was at that moment.
"Me too", I said in a hush, not looking at her afraid that it would scare away our sincerity.
"I'm glad we didn't. I'm glad I have you", she held my hand. "You're looking more like your father day by day."
"Aigooo", I rubbed my belly humorously, imitating his manners to lighten the mood. She slapped my arm with no mercy to scold me, but giggled nonetheless. I continued by scowling and making my voice deeper. "Taehyung, go play outside. Omma and I need to talk."
"Aish! Stop that!" She beat me again, but wouldn't stop laughing.
"Here, take some money to buy the Ghost thing", I handed her imaginary coins as I imitated him.
"You're good, I give you that", she took a deep breath. It was very satisfying to watch her laugh like that, covering her mouth without hiding how red her skin turned. "Silly."
After our laughter died down, I confessed. "You know, it's funny, I sometimes go through days- weeks even- without thinking of abeoji. It's nice that we did this. It's nice that I can still remember how he was even after all those years."
"Of course you can. It's abeoji."
//
We spent Chuseok together and now more than ever, we needed each other's company. So after spending three whole days insisting with her like a stubborn child, kicking her shin under the duvet in the middle of the night to hopefully annoy her enough to do what I want, omma eventually gave in and decided to move back to Seoul.
On the last day of Chuseok, it was Ye-ji's birthday. She came to dine with us since her family remained in Japan, so she came around to eat seaweed soup and have cake with us in an intimate celebration. Jimin was somewhere else in the country with his family, and I was somehow relieved he couldn't come, as I wouldn't know how to act around him nor was I ready to face him so soon.
"Taehy did well with this place", omma said to me and Ye-ji, happy that she was finally getting to know my new apartment. "Your dad would've been proud of you. That's all he ever worked for."
Ye-ji took a deep breath, quietly listening to everything omma had to say. "That's true, I could hear him yell at Tae to study every day across the street", she joked. "I helped him with the decoration, the chandelier and white furniture was my idea."
"I knew it", she celebrated. "He wouldn't pull this off on his own."
"Thank you?" I pretended to be offended.
Ye-ji was unusually trapped in her own thoughts. It often feels like that with her, and I had already gotten used to talking to her shell, but today she didn't spare many smiles although it was a celebration of her life. We made it small and intimate as she wished, being the polar opposite of Jimin's partying nature, and I actually had to insist for her to come because she didn't feel like gathering. It's Chuseok and your birthday, you're not spending it alone, I said through the phone and she eventually admitted her defeat after I offered to pick her up.
"Thank you for the food", Ye-ji clapped her hands in front of the cake with a toothless smile, staring at the candles before blowing the fire out. "And thank you for getting me out of my apartment, not even Min-joon managed to do that today."
"But Min-joon is not me", I proudly reclaimed my privileged spot as the best friend and therefore, the one with more influence when Jimin is absent.
She rolled her eyes. "My doctor changed my medication and I'm feeling a little bit under the weather, so I'll be going now. Omma, it was nice to see you again."
"Don't be a stranger, darling!"
Omma gave Ye-ji more food to take home and made awkward jokes about us ending up marrying each other, all of which we took lightly ㅡ Ye-ji herself had a boyfriend, one that would leave his family's Chuseok celebration and go to her apartment to have the intimate celebration she could only enjoy with him.
After she left, omma decided to comment on everything about her. "She's turned into such a beautiful woman! Ye-ji auntie did a wonderful job raising her, she's matured so much ever since her teens. She used to be such a troublemaker, talking nonsense, walking around the neighborhood and bringing you and Jimin with", she pinched my arm, but what scared me the most was how she could have known about any troublemaking we did.
Omma left for Daegu on Tuesday afternoon, leaving me with enough food for the entire week. I thanked her for the amazing holiday we had and said goodbye at the train station with a caring hug, one that wasn't customary for us, who shared more of our story that weekend, so it definitely felt special. I let my mind wonder what would happen if she knew who I truly am. Would she love me the same?
I sit at an Italian restaurant, swallowing the pasta that tasted of tomato sauce and salt, and as I observe the people sharing the environment with me, I think of their secrets. The teenage boy that sat with his family, the couples on the dimly lit corners, they all had their stories to tell. None of them could imagine mine.
It's October now. It'll be Jimin's birthday soon. Autumn had made the dusk colder, so I held onto my coffee-colored coat and kept an umbrella with me, since the rain had become more unpredictable every day. As I left the restaurant, thin raindrops fell from the sky, and I mentally thanked myself for being prepared.
Without a destination in mind, I walked through the streets of my neighborhood in Gangnam-gu, slightly dampened by the soft rain that felt like nature's caress onto the pavement. There were many faces passing through, I always enjoyed noticing the people that crossed my way, looking at them in the eyes and sharing that brief moment, perhaps unconsciously looking for someone. That night, I found him.
My heartbeat mismatched when I recognized that big pair of eyes, looking at the shop windows with curiosity. My mind could not believe what was right in front of me, because it couldn't be- he had moved to the United States. There was no reason for him to be there, in the same street as me, at the same time as me. My legs stop moving, standing still over the wet pavement, watching him look around with rain droplets landing on his hair and staying there.
He had changed so much. His hair was as dark as the sky above us, with shoulder-length straight locks combed back, revealing his matured facial features. His posture was impeccable as he slowly walked towards me, not paying attention to his way and curiously gazing into the windows. There wasn't an umbrella with him, but he didn't seem to mind. He had gained weight and his figure had become more built. I forgot about the way he purposefully moved around like a choreographed dance, the way his googly eyes wandered, and the downward round curve on the tip of his nose. With black combat boots, blue jeans and a leather jacket, he was unmistakably there.
The grip around my umbrella turns tighter as the sound of rain is muffled by the frantic internal beat in my ear, similar to traditional Korean folk drums. I hesitated as I heard that familiar song, one I hadn't heard in years, but the mere sight of him brought it back effortlessly. He was the percussionist of an unsuspecting instrument: my heart.
☽
I still haven't finished writing stranger but I can say it'll be around 14 chapters! I'm currently on chapter 13 and dying. andddd if you're curious, Strawberry is actor woo do-hwan from king: the eternal monarch and save me (WITH SEO YE-JI) where my kdrama fans atttt
I always think of things to say but when I actually come to the author note my mind goes blank lmao sorry :/ If I think of something to say later I'll put it in the comments hehehe
thank you as always! I'm proud of myself for updating on time *pat in the back*
star and comment the shit out of me cause i ache for affection....... bye
i remembered... i wanted to show you tae's apartment check it out