***Warning: This chapter goes into detail about sexual assault and rape. Please don't read if you feel uncomfortable with the discussion of these topics.
✩ Roman's POV ✩
My mom walks into my bedroom completely zoned out. Her eyes are redder than blood and her body looks completely bent abnormally. Her black hair is a mess, as is the dress she's wearing that seems to be a little ripped at the bottom. Her under eyes are filled with black marker, and her nose even seems to be a light shade of red.
My dad just left.
Oh no.
"Roman." She walks over to me in my race car bed as I'm playing with the new car that dad bought me. He came back this morning but said he had to go to another meeting because mom said it would be good for his company.
I had purposely gotten ready for bed early today because mom had said she was going out tonight and I already knew that meant. She got home earlier which I didn't expect, and now I'm yelling at myself for not shutting my eyes sooner to avoid this.
"I'm going to bed." I quickly turn off the lamp behind me.
"I'm tired too," she agrees as she lays in bed next to me.
I can't tell dad because mom said he'll send her to jail. I don't want her to go to jail. I've seen her take some powder into her nose, and I think that's why she does this since she always acts weird after taking it. I don't know what it's called, but I know it's probably something that doesn't make someone feel that good.
"I need some light," she requests after laying next to me for only a second.
My mom reaches over and turns the lamp back on which makes my heart quicken and my fear grow more. Her hand goes again to my thigh, and still, I'm in shock because it's something I can never get used to no matter how many times it's happened. She told me she would stop yesterday. I turned eight and she promised that the minute it was my birthday, she would never do it again. I believed her.
Instead, she did something else yesterday that I never want to talk about or have happen again, though I'm terribly frightened it might.
"Mom, please don't," I hiccup, pleading because it makes me feel sick.
Her hand comes more upwards. "Roman, I need this," she begs desperately.
"Can't you ask dad to?" I try and make her stop, but she's too determined to not leave.
"Your dad doesn't do it for me." She shrugs disgustedly.
She doesn't love him? I thought they were married? They live together, doesn't that mean they love each other?
She pulls my pajamas down and gets on top of me like she did yesterday. I suck in a breath before turning my head so that I won't have to look at her. Tears are freely falling down my eyes and I'm biting my tongue to hide the sobs. My breaths feel like they're shivering as I feel afraid for the hundredth time in a row now.
I wish my dad was here.
As I'm looking to the left of me so I don't have to look at my mom, two shadows are seen in the distance. I squint my eyes to see what's happening, but when I look back, my mom is gone all of a sudden from on top of me. The weight of her is gone, although, my fear still isn't. All I can see is someone else sounding like they're screaming for help.
It's dark now, and the lamp isn't on anymore. Nothing's in here with me. Only a bed which out of nowhere appeared all the way across the room is in my vision, but the gradually loud screaming for help makes me not be able to look away.
"Alaiya?" I see her curly hair beginning to be shown.
When I lift my head a little, Walker on top of her appears and I realize that the screaming is coming from her. She's kicking and pushing under him while he's just pushing her down harder. My body freezes and feels like it's not able to move another inch out of shock.
"Carson, please stop," I see and hear her plead with watery eyes.
He slaps her right across the face as she begs for help which makes her head turn towards me, letting me see her tear-filled face and completely broken and given up face.
"Roman," Alaiya literally weeps for my help as she tries with everything she has to get away.
Instant protectiveness comes over my body, but right as it does, my mom returns into my vision and holds my arms down. I'm still in my eight-year-old self so I can't get her off of me. I try my best to kick and push, but I can't move.
I can't move as I see Alaiya cry my name for help.
She's crying and I can't help her.
My mom pushes inside of me, making me tilt my head back in pain as the memory resurfaces while still hearing Alaiya's weep spin inside my head.
***
♡ Alaiya's POV: ♡
Ten minutes earlier:
I walk back to bed after using the restroom.
I thought I had started my period which was a couple of days early, but thankfully, I didn't. I really did not feel like having it and not being able to walk without pain for the time I'm here.
When I take a seat on the bed, Roman shifts to the left a little quickly, but I think nothing of it because he just moved a little.
I put my arm around his side to get back to the way we were sleeping before, but right as I do, his body moves to the face the other way uncomfortably.
Is he okay?
My eyes are heavy from exhaustion from the party and wearing those heels for so long, so I can't properly see my surroundings. The paparazzi we had to walk through because Landon told us to was a lot. I'm still blinking away those flashing lights. They got every angle of Roman and I getting into his car, and Rider stood outside purposely just to get pictures taken of himself. He also then had to check with the photographers if the photos were good or not, and boy is Rider a critic.
Roman and I talked for a good three hours when we got back up until I remember falling asleep in his arms. I don't remember what we were talking about since whenever we start talking, it just starts with a main topic and then leads to a bunch of random things.
I lay my head back against my pillow after lifting my head just to make sure he's alright, and once I've seen him not move for a couple of seconds, my eyes begin to shut again as I lay my head back. I let the darkness take over because everyone moves in their sleep.
I shouldn't overthink everything.
My arms stay in my own space since I think he didn't like me touching him as I slowly begin to drift back into oblivion.
Why do I have a gut feeling he's not okay?
5 minutes later:
A bigger shift is felt while I'm sleeping,
and I open my eyes again to see Roman kicking just a little like he's trying to break free of something or someone. I also notice he's sweating even as the blanket is off of him, especially on his bare chest.
"Roman." I put my hand on his arm once I see tears falling from his eyes and now I'm worried.
Anxiety shoots through my body so I jump up to sit and try to wake him up. I don't care if it is a nightmare or not, seeing Roman cry is something I've never seen and I especially don't want to because of how scared he looks.
"Roman," I make my voice at my normal level as I shake his shoulder as softly as I can.
I would love to shake him like crazy just to get him out of whatever nightmare or dream he's having, but I don't think that's safe or should be done.
"Roman, please wake up," I plead.
I shake him as hard as I can in a way that won't hurt him, but he's so deep into this dream that he won't even move an inch.
He's drenching more in sweat and is even shaking a little. It's like he's trapped inside his own dream because he won't wake up no matter how much I shake or call him.
"Baby, wake up," I lose my patience because of the tension I feel for him being in this state.
All of a sudden, he shoots up in a panic and my heart stops instantly for a good five seconds, though relief is felt all over.
He looks around the room to find something until his eyes lock with mine. Before I can even begin to say or comfort him about what just happened, his arm snaps to go around my back and hold me like I'm going to let go. My arms snap right back and go around his back as my face goes into his shoulder.
"You're okay," he breathes out what I was going to say to him. The only difference is is that I was going to say it to comfort him, while he's saying the words to reassure himself.
Why is he saying that to me?
What just happened!?
His one hand is holding my back with such power as the other is holding the back of my head against his shoulder as gently as he possibly can in his panicked state. My arms are around his neck and holding him as close to me as possible.
"It was just a dream." I run my hand on his back up and down and shut my eyes so I can remember the same thing. "You're okay," I breathe out.
Minutes pass with just me telling and repeating to him that he's alright and nothing happened to me, though, his shaking hasn't stopped.
As I'm telling him once more that he's fine, I feel a wetness drop on the shoulder of his T-shirt that I'm wearing.
Is he...?
My heart instantly breaks into a trillion pieces right as I realize that he's crying, making my tears well up too even though I know nothing about what happened in his head. My arms wrap around him tighter as a way to protect him from feeling like this, though I don't think I can beat the hold of his hands and arms around me.
I kiss his cheek multiple times to show him that I'm here for him, and each time he digs his face deeper into my shoulder. I grab the pillow from behind me and move it to sit up against the headboard. I kiss his cheek again because as I'm moving, his arms tighten around me like I'm letting go even though I am absolutely not and will never.
"I'm not leaving, I promise" I swear in a soft whisper.
I move back, and he allows me to this time while doing the same along with me. I rest my back against the pillow and put his head against my chest, letting him use my boobs as a personal pillow. I kick up the blanket that's a little far and it shoots up in the air. My hands spread it out as it falls on top of both Roman and I perfectly.
His arms are still protectively around my back which I don't know or understand the reasoning behind because he's the one who had the dream. I keep telling him he's okay and safe and kiss his head before moving my fingers to scratch his scalp soothingly so he can feel more relaxed and maybe it can help his slight shaking.
He doesn't seem to be falling asleep anytime soon, but I'm not going to sleep either until he feels safe again, even if it takes all night.
~~~~
Three hours go by, and he's still up while my fingers are tracing over the beautifully drawn tattoos on his shoulder. I think he got a couple of new ones since I don't remember a few of them, but the one I do notice is the word "Nepenthe".
"What does this mean?" I ask with my index finger pointing at it.
He turns his head to the right to see what I'm talking about.
"Google it," he suggests before turning his head back around, giving me the worse answer anyone could've thought of.
How rude!
"Google it," I make my voice deeper and imitate him.
I feel him smile against my chest which makes me happy and relieved since he smiled at least, even if it was because he was being annoying.
I reach over on the bed and grab my phone to search for what it means. I pull up a site and begin to read off of it.
"Anything inducing a pleasurable sensation of forgetfulness, especially of sorrow or trouble," I follow the words line by line.
"Is this about football?" I ask with my eyebrows scrunched.
"No Alaiya. It's about the fucking sky," he replies.
"The sky takes away your pain and suffering?" I clear up.
He puts his face into my chest with an annoyed huff of breath. I look at the website one more time to make sure I read the correct definition, or if I'm just crazy. He looks back up to see my still confused face because I know Roman would never say something like the sky taking away his pain. I'm not judging, but I just don't see him doing that.
"You. It's about you," he repeats in frustration.
It takes me a second, but a realization 'oh' comes out of my mouth once it hits me what he means by that.
I take away his pain and suffering? Really? I thought I would be the one to mostly bring it into his life. I take away his pain and suffering!
"Aww, you sometimes take away my pain and suffering too." I pull his face in and purposely annoy him by smushing my cheek against his with a hug.
He loves it.
"Sometimes?" he questions offended.
"Yeah." I pull away and look at his face. "Well, it would be all the time if you watched the TV shows I like without any complaints," I explain my reasoning.
"I'm sorry I don't want to watch a show where everyone just gets a text message or sees someone in a red jacket and acts like it's the end of the fucking world," he bashes Pretty Little Liars.
"It's more than that and you know it." I glare at him.
"Sure it is," he sarcastically agrees with me before laying his head back against my chest and turning it to the left.
It is.
The room stays quiet again as it was for the past few hours, but questions about what happened are still being spun around in my head and I'm using every bit of self-control I have to not ask them.
Don't do it Alaiya.
Five minutes go by, and I think I've gotten a good control on staying quiet but apparently not.
"Do you have those nightmares a lot?"
Dumb.
The one word to sums me up.
Dumb.
He adjusts on my chest, making me now feel horrible for even bringing it up.
"Since I was eight," he surprisingly admits, and my heart sinks for him.
He's panicked like that since he was eight? He's never had them before. I've slept with him a handful of times and the panic and anxiety I saw today is something I've never seen him go through before.
"You don't have to," I say first off as a warning. "but if you want, you can tell me what they were about." I give him complete authority over which he chooses because I care more about him being comfortable than anything else. I don't want to pressure him into spewing out the truth or having to feel like he's being forced to tell me about his personal life. People open up differently. Just because I did, doesn't mean he's ready to as well.
It gets quiet again for a couple of minutes which tells me his answer, but he proves me wrong when he speaks.
"My mom is dying," his voice comes out as if this is news or a surprise for him too.
What?
His mom is dying? Is that why she came over to the house two months ago? Is that why he was so upset?
"And I don't give a shit," Roman reveals with such emotion and heartbreak in his tone from the guilt he feels for feeling like this, that it actually sinks my heart that's already been sunken to the ground even deeper.
"Is that what happened two months ago?" I utter quietly.
He nods against my chest.
I process all of this because it's a lot of information. On one hand, his mom is dying. On the other hand, he doesn't care but I don't know why so I can't judge him based on the limited knowledge I have.
Whatever his mom did to hurt him has obviously taken a toll on his life if he panics like that while having nightmares, so I'm on his side no matter what.
"Look at me." I hold both sides of his face lightly and make him make eye contact with me.
The lights from the city outside are coming in so I can see his face with perfect clarity. He had tears falling when he admitted that he doesn't care about his mom and I know it's definitely not the right time, but I just find it a tad bit annoying that he's also a handsome crier. He's still stomping on my heart and making me feel every bit of pain and emotion for him more than I've ever felt for another person, but he still looks good while doing it.
There's gotta be something he looks bad doing.
I'm gonna make a checklist.
Not the time Alaiya.
"You are not a bad person for feeling that," I affirm. "Just because she's dying, doesn't mean you have to speed up the way you forgive her for whatever she did."
I don't care what she did, she hurt Roman enough for him to cry in my arms so I'm not a fan of hers either. I love him being emotional with me because that shows he trusts me, but I never want to see him crying with such a broken heart again. He doesn't deserve it.
I mean, not love...strongly like. Yeah. That's what I meant.
His lips form into a very small smile as he lays his head back against my chest on his right cheek. I put my hands back in his hair, and while giving him a head massage to put him to sleep, I realize that this is the most he's told me about his past and I still feel the same about him, if not more.
It honestly scares me.
♥ ★ ❦ ✱ ♥
A/N: This chapter was pretty sad to write and also, I didn't want Roman to just end up admitting to everything because it's not that easy.
Please tell me if there are any errors.
Word Count: 3279