"So then, Zane picked up the book and threw it back at him, and the guy turns around and he said think wisely about your next move, as if he was scary, right? So then Zane... he..." O was clutching his stomach, laughing through his words.
"Zane just hit him." Gavin laughed out, finishing O's sentence. "Right here." His balled hand tapped on his chin twice.
"Seriously, Seren, these three were a nightmare to deal with before Zane left." Cassidy added, her voice made it sound like she was annoyed, but she had a grin on her face too.
"Why are you guys the way that you are?" Zane sighed out, shaking his head. "You have to tell everyone this story."
"You've never minded when we told anyone else this story, Zane." O said as he raised an eyebrow. Cassidy's head was laying in his lap, and he was gently running his fingers through her curls.
"Shut up." Zane muttered, before looking down at me. I was tucked into his side, my head on his chest and his arm pulled tightly around me. "Don't listen to a word they say."
"I'm quite enjoying this, actually." I giggled as I spoke. I looked back towards O and Gavin, who were watching the two of us with an amused expression on their faces. "Tell me more, please. I feel like I don't even know the Zane in those stories."
"Oh... I have a good one." Gavin moved forward towards the end of the couch, rubbing his hands together with a mischievous look on his face. "We went to this party in freshman year, and Zane brought this chick named Holly..."
Zane cut him off. "Not this one."
"Why not?" I pouted.
"Yeah, Zane, why not? It's not like we have many recent stories to tell of you and girls. Once you got a glimpse of this one, it was over." Gavin titled his head towards me as he spoke.
"Oh, really?" I teased, my fingers landing on Zane's chest as I pretended to tickle him.
"That's not..." Zane started.
"It is the truth and don't let him tell you otherwise." O cut him off this time.
"I'm sure you're exaggerating." I said, but I couldn't help the smile that was beaming from my lips.
"Seriously, every girl who tried to talk to him, he would be like you know Seren wears her hair like that sometimes, but..."
"Alright. Enough." Zane covered his face with his hand. "Seren doesn't need to hear this. You three were supposed to come over to watch a movie."
"Yeah, until we found out Seren was here." Cassidy said, raising her body up from O's lap. "Why would we watch a movie when we could embarrass you in front of her instead?"
Zane must have given her a dirty look, I couldn't see his face, but Cassidy changed her tone quickly.
"Okay, okay. But I'm picking the movie this time. I'm sick of watching guy movies." She said as she picked up the remote.
I've spent a lot of time surrounded by friends. Well, friends is a strong word. I've spent a lot of time surrounded by people who I thought were my friends who really didn't give a shit about me. We had spent many nights together, just like this one. Piled on a couch in someone's basement, watching a movie and eating snacks. It was the same, but I can't explain to how indescribably different it was. There was love here. You could feel it. The three boys, and Cassidy, they loved each other.
"Sorry about them." Zane said as he came back downstairs after letting his friends out. "I would have cancelled, but I had forgotten they were supposed to come."
"It's okay." I smiled up at him from the couch. "I like your friends. I like being around them. They feel... I don't know... warm."
"Warm?" Zane asked as he sat down beside me.
"Yeah. Warm. Comforting." I explained poorly.
"Well, I'm glad you like them. They like you too." Zane said as he turned off the TV.
"It must have been hard for you all. After Henry, I mean." I said the thought that was floating through my head before contemplating whether I should actually voice it or not.
"It was." Zane's eyes flicked to a picture that was hanging on his wall. It was the three boys, Zane, O and Gavin, and one more who I'm assuming was Henry. He was tall, with blonde shaggy hair that was falling into his eyes. He had a smile on his face and he arm strung over Zane, who was standing beside him.
"What happened? If you don't mind me asking." I wondered if I was going too far when Zane glanced back at me hesitantly, like he was trying to decide whether or not to tell me. He remained silent, so I grabbed his hand and interlaced our fingers.
"One day, he just didn't show up to school." Zane started after a moment. He was staring back at the picture now. "And we didn't really think anything of it. We tried texting him, but no answer. We were planning on going to his house after school, just to see if he was okay. In our last class of the day, though, they made an announcement. He killed himself."
I felt the shock of his words in my torso. It's such a different kind of shock, one that I had never felt before. It was... painful. The feeling twisted inside of me.
"I am so sorry." I told him. Instantly I remembered how Zane had responded to my words at the dock, and to the cut on my wrist, and just my behaviour in general. The regret of actions burned through me.
"It was horrible. I've never felt a pain like that." Zane told me, and his eyes started to water. "I think the worst part was the what if's. Like what if we had done this differently, or that differently. Would he still be here?" Zane wiped away the tear that had fallen onto his face.
I didn't have words to comfort him. I thought of all the times that Zane had comforted me, how he had always known what to say. I reached my arms around him instead, holding on to him tightly. Zane returned the hug, his hands clutched around my waist.
"It's not your fault." I told him, resting my head on his shoulder and rubbing his back.
"I know, but sometimes it's hard not to feel that way." Zane muttered back.
We stayed in that position for a while. I don't know how long, because it didn't matter. Finally, Zane pulled away, but he kept his hands on my waist.
"We should sleep." He said gently. "Did you hear back from your dad?"
I had texted my dad to let him know that I wouldn't be home. He responded saying the same thing. He didn't even ask me where I was.
"Still in Philadelphia." I said quietly.
"You know you can stay here whenever you want, right?" Zane said.
"Your parents won't mind?" I asked him curiously. I remembered the first time I was here that Zane had mentioned something about no girls.
Zane chuckled, "no. They like you."
I felt my eyebrows shoot up. "They don't even know me."
Besides the couple of times I had spoken to Rachel, I've barely seen his parents at all. I hadn't even met his dad.
Zane's eyes darted to the right, like they always did when he was about to lie. "Uh, right, but they're good judges of character."
"Oh really?" I asked him dubiously.
"Fine." Zane muttered in defeat. "I may have mentioned you a couple of times. They, uh, seem to believe that I had some kind of crush on you."
"Parents." I rolled my eyes, playing along. But I could feel his words in my stomach. I knew what the tingles were now, and they were definitely butterflies.
"So, sleep?" Zane was smiling at me.
"Yes. Sleep." I stood up, and when Zane didn't stand up with me, I reached for his hand, pulling him to get him to come with me.
"What?" Zane asked, his face scrunched in confusion.
"We said sleep?" I titled my head at him. Sleep, Zane. So let's go to sleep.
"I already have my pillows and blankets." Zane patted the pile that was resting beside the couch.
I rolled my eyes again. He didn't get it. And for someone who got everything about me, he sure seemed to miss the things I wanted him to get most.
"Sleep with me." I had to spell it out with him.
Zane flicked his eyes up to me, in what looked like surprise. "Are you sure?"
I pulled on his hand in response. Yes. Zane. I'm sure.
He didn't hesitate this time in walking to the bedroom with me.
After both of us doing our nightly hygiene and then changing into pyjamas, I was snuggled in Zane's bed, laying on my side. I was watching him warily look at the space remaining in the bed. Finally, he climbed in and laid beside me.
Zane had left space between us. I didn't want space between us. I wish Zane would understand that, how else could I tell him? I wanted him beside me. I wanted him touching me. I wanted him.
So I scooted over, wrapping my leg over him and throwing my arm over his stomach. I used his chest as a pillow again, and just like this afternoon, I could hear his heartbeat hammering away.
"Goodnight." I told him, closing my eyes.
"Goodnight, beautiful." Zane said as he ran his fingers up and down my back.