'I guess Eren can say he followed the squad's orders to the end'
Petra did tell him only to transform if his life was in danger, which it now really was... And you could do nothing to stop it...
You cowered in your position, feeling guilty that you had let down one of your closest friends. You and Eren had bonded a lot during the one week without your friends, further strengthening your already strong developed friendship from the Cadet Corps.
'At least Levi is here now. He'll make sure she pays for what she's done and get Eren back in one piece'
Your eyes were still closed, and you felt the exhaustion take further control over you, your eyelids feeling as heavy as the burden on Eren's shoulders.
'I'll just... just take a little nap...'
You felt yourself drift off, your hand pressing the blood-soaked cloth to your gash fell limp down to the branch.
~
"God damn it Y/N!", you heard Levi's voice exclaim. It sounded like he was talking under water, his voice sounding muffled through your 'clogged' ears. You heard someone else gasp slightly.
"Y/N?". You recognized Mikasa's voice. Firm hands started shaking you lightly, however becoming more frantic and harsher as you didn't indicate any sign of life.
"Levi", you heard yourself say, but the shaking didn't stop.
'Weird, did he not hear me?'
"You promised not to die on me", he said intensely.
'But I didn't Levi, I'm right here!... Aren't I? Shit, did I actually faint? How long were I gone for?'
"Levi?", you tried again, thinking you said it clearer this time. As the shaking continued you realized you still had your mouth closed. You concentrated all your energy at your mouth, forcing it to open this time, now actually feeing the vibrations in your throat, indicating this time you finally talked properly.
"Levi I'm tired", you said, and you felt his hands tremble slightly as he gently let go of your shoulders.
"I know, I'll get you home", he said, a remnant of relief left on his tone. He gently grabbed you, Mikasa voicing her concerns.
"But Captain, your leg...", she asked.
'His leg? What happened to his leg?! God I hope it didn't get chopped off!'
You squinted your eyes open just enough to look down, seeing his legs were still there. You let out a little relieved sigh, closing them again.
"I'll be fine, you concentrate on Eren!", he ordered, Mikasa giving him a little grunt of agreement. Your heart made a little jump at the mentioning of him.
'Thank god he's safe'
You felt the air against you as Levi took off, and you hung on a little tighter, thankful for this second chance at life.
~
You were now laying beside Eren in a wagon, your cloak tightly wrapped around you. Someone had tended to your wound and cleared you of any further serious injuries. It's miracle your bones weren't crushed, but you stood by your theory that it wasn't a coincidence. It had been several hours since Levi and Mikasa brought you here, and you had managed to sleep off the worst of your exhaustion. Eren was knocked out cold, whatever he endured back there demolished every bit of strength he had in his body, but he was alive at least.
"Y/N", Mikasa said and quickly ran over to you once she saw you sit up, leaning against the railing of the wagon for support. "Be careful. Although you are in the clear, your head is still messed up. You should take it easy!", she ordered, stern but warm. You smiled at her and nodded carefully.
"I will Mikasa, don't worry". She returned your smile.
"I'll go find Marco-", she stopped as she noticed you freeze and heat up as she specifically mentioned him. "-The rest... They have been quite worried about you", she corrected herself and walked away.
'I guess Marco and I haven't been as subtle as we aimed to be...'
Looking over to your left you could see rows after rows with body shaped sheets, red bloodspots tainting the white material. Your heart sank. They had spent hours retrieving as many bodies as they could, however a few of them lost in territory crawling with titans. There was no getting to them.
In the distance you noticed Levi crouched down by some bodies, looking like he was cutting something, and you made a mental note to ask about it later.
"Y/N!", his soft voice called out, full of worry and relief. You didn't even have time to look in the direction of his voice before the wagon wobbled and two hands gently grabbed a hold of your face. His soft lips were on yours, intensifying the already sickening dizziness you had from your head injury. You could feel multiple gazes on the two of you and you knew all your friends were watching, but you didn't care, and neither did Marco it seemed. You placed your hands to rest by his elbows, eagerly kissing him back.
'I almost lost this today. I almost caused him so much pain by nearly dying. He doesn't deserve any pain of any kind, oh I'm so sorry Marco'
"Do you guys mind not doing that on top of me?", you heard Eren's voice croak sarcastically from your right, and the two of you broke off the kiss flustered. Eren looked up at you weakly, the tiniest hint of a smirk on his lips.
"Eren!", Mikasa called out, rushing to his side. As she started examining him, Marco moved so you would be able to greet the rest of your friends. They looked a little flustered as well from the sudden PDA, but seemed to brush it aside for your sake.
Sasha was the first one to move, rushing to give you a hug. Connie, Jean, Armin and Crista soon followed. Ymir, Bertholdt and Reiner sticked to a firm pat or grab at your shoulder, Reiner seeming too nervous to hug you after that time in the dining hall. They would have greeted Eren as well if Mikasa hadn't glared at them the second they got to close. You could tell she was stressed about how weak he was at the moment, which was understandable. Sasha cuddled up by your left side on the opposite side from Marco. Marcos hand held onto yours tight as Sasha beat him to it when it came to wrapping their arms around you.
"What happened Y/N?", Armin asked quietly. They were all kind of placed in a circle formation before you, some sitting on the wagon, while others leaned on it from the outside.
"Well, the female titan chased us down through the forest, almost trampling us at multiple different occasions. She then managed to escape Erwin's trap and went straight towards Eren and our squad", you took as deep breath as the memories of how your beloved comrades were slain, flashed before your eyes. You could see it so clearly. Marco squeezed your hand, his thumb stroking the back of your hand. Of course he noticed.
"She, uh... killed... every member of the squad; Gunther, Eld, Petra and Oruo". You made sure to mention them by name. They were not just some numbers in the continuously increasing death toll for this expedition.
"Like they were nothing... Wiped them off this earth like they never existed. But the pain Eren and I feel proves that statement wrong though...". You saw Eren twitch slightly there he rested. He seemed to have zoned back out again.
"I promised Eld to protect him, so that's what I did, or at least tried to do. I charged straight at her achilles tendons, actually managing to cut the right one properly, the left one only causing her slight discomfort. I then went for her one regenerated eye, but she saw me and managed to swat me with her hand". You could feel the tension thicken as you spoke. You didn't really mean to go that much into it, but retelling it felt a bit freeing. None of them even bat their eye as they listened intently.
"I hit a branch, not able to move for probably half an hour. Luckily, Levi found me and made sure I didn't bleed out before he went to get Eren", you said as Marco tightened his grip of your hand once again. "The next thing I knew both him and Mikasa came back with Eren, taking me with them, and now we're here...", you finished telling them, and you could see this left them deep in thought, especially Armin.
'Knowing him, he is already piecing the clues together. Hell, he probably already have a clear suspect in mind'
"Well, I'll be the first one to say that you should be proud of yourself", Jean suddenly said, breaking the tense atmosphere.
"Huh?", you asked, and he rolled his eyes.
"How can you be so stupid but so smart at the same time?", he asked sarcastically with a huff. "I tried cutting at her achilles tendons earlier and I didn't even come close. Reiner were the closest one and he almost got squashed in her hand! You're better than all of us combined god damn it", he said smugly, shaking his head lightly with a small laugh. The others smiled and nodded once. Your face heated up, your modest self couldn't take this sudden praise. They all knew this and snickered at your flustered demeanour.
'How did I even get such good friends?'
~
Levi had made sure to get a hold of your horses, and you were overjoyed to see Myosotis in one piece. What was left of the Survey Corps were making their way back, Marco having Myosotis tied to the back of his horse as you were riding in the wagon.
Eren had gone back to his knocked out state, Mikasa and I eyeing him worriedly the whole time as she rode beside our wagon.
"Titans!", you heard someone call out. Everyone closest to him turned their gazes to the back of the formation. In the distance you could spot two titans chasing three figures on a pair of horses.
'Shit, did they really go back for their friend's body after both Erwin and Levi said not to?! They are both gonna get killed now, dragging the rest of us along with them. The titans are closing in... fast'
The soldiers in the wagon behind you sent up a red flare. You watched as one of the titans tried to grab a hold of the soldier who had the friend on the back of his horse. He dodged it, but the body fell off the horse, leaving them back on square one. His other friend got eaten right after that. You felt bad for the one left. He left to retrieve one friend and ended up losing another in his moment of recklessness.
The one titan eating stopped, distracted with his resent catch, as the other picked up the speed, heading straight towards one of the wagons carrying the dead.
"Mikasa, there is even more titans coming from the far left!", Marco exclaimed as he was one of the few not solely focused on the threat closest to us.
"What a mess...", you whispered to yourself.
The last of the two soldiers that led them here got grabbed and Mikasa reacted before none of us could even say a word to her. She quickly sliced its nape and retrieved the soldier.
"They are getting closer!", one of the soldiers in the wagon yelled. "Should I distract it while you-"
"No!". Levi was suddenly right beside them. "Just abandon the bodies. They'll reach us.", he ordered.
"B-but..", one of the soldiers tried to protest. This went against everything humane in them, but you knew Levi wouldn't suggest it if there was no other way..
'So it's that bad, huh'
"In the past, many bodies haven't made it back. These guys aren't anything special", he continued saying. It took a few seconds, but the soldiers eventually complied. They opened the hatch and started dumping off bodies. It was a sad and horrific sight, but you couldn't get yourself to look away.
That was until you saw strawberry blond, short hair as the sheet covering her opened up. You whimpered quietly, tears filling your eyes to the brim, but you didn't let them fall. In the corner of your eyes you watched Levi as he too realized who it was. His expression didn't change much as per usual, but it was like a shadow had been cast over his face. He looked spent, tired. The titan slowed down though, finally distracted enough with the bodies that was abandoned.
~
You all had to pause a while after that, having to look at your rout options. People were tense after that close call, and you noticed the soldier from earlier looking distraught as he stood alone. You were sitting in Marco's lap. He had been comforting you for a while now as the sight of Petra's corpse really shook you up. As Marco was stroking your hair you looked over in the soldiers direction. Levi had ridden up to him now and you were curious as to where this would go. Levi reached for something in his pocket, and pulled out a wings of freedom patch.
'So that's what he was doing earlier with the bodies. He had cut their patches off of their jacket'
You couldn't hear what they said, but you watched as Levi gave him the patch while saying something. The soldier broke down in tears as he looked at the patch in his hands. Levi quietly got back up on his horse, leaving him alone again.
'I know Levi couldn't possibly have gotten a hold of his friend's actual patch, so this must be someone else's. I wonder if it is Petra's...'
"Survey Corps! Let's get a move on!", one of the officers called out as they had decided on your new rout. Marco decided to stay with you in the wagon, Mikasa doing the same as she wanted to watch over Eren herself. Your friends helped out by distributing your horses between three of them.
Eren started waking up a while after the retreat commenced. He was totally out of it.
"Where is she?", he asked, startling the rest of you as you hadn't noticed him regaining proper consciousness.
"Eren! Uh she got away...", Mikasa explained. Eren's expression turned frantic as he asked the next question. "What about the others... What about the plan... Are they all dead? Did I kill Y/N?", he asked, staring intently at Mikasa, not even noticing you sitting right beside him.
'Oh he must have been out of it- out of it... He doesn't even seem to remember him asking me and Marco to tone down the kissing earlier...'
"Um, Eren, I'm right here...?", you said carefully, scared you suddenly speaking would startle him back into unconsciousness. He abruptly turned to you, seeming shocked beyond belief.
"Y/N! Oh I'm so sorry, I should have never listened to you. I should have never left you to fight her alone! What was I thinking!?", he exclaimed, his regret tainting every word. You shook your head violently, regretting it the second your head started throbbing in pain.
"Eren, please don't. I don't regret it one bit!", you said determined, not wanting to give him another burden to bear.
"But it's because I can't do anything and need protecting all the time that people keep dying!", he said full of pain. He was now thinking of the rest of the squad and the other soldiers that died protecting the seven of you along the way.
"Eren...", Mikasa said, putting her hand on his shoulder.
"But it's true! Marco, how would you feel knowing I lived because Y/N died? HUH?! It wouldn't feel good, would it?! That's the pain I cause their families!", Eren continued ranting frantically. You felt Marco cower beneath you as he thought about Eren's question for a bit. You were just about to answer Eren when he spoke.
"No, you're right.. Of course it wouldn't feel good. It would feel like being stabbed with hundreds of our blades- but it was her choice. Same as it was the rest of your squad's choice to sent you off to safety while they took the hit. Same as it was the rest of the soldier's choice to protect your squad from danger, even if it meant killing them. Eren, we are all here by choice, you shouldn't have to bear the guilt of the deceased soldier's choices, because their choices wasn't yours to make", Marco said, looking Eren directly in the eyes. Silence followed as the rest of you took in his words.
Marco just knows exactly what to say sometimes and you felt grateful that he was here right now. His words were exactly what Eren needed to hear. Eren just nodded once, and laid down again, exhausted. Mikasa sent Marco a grateful look, and relaxed back against the railing of the wagon, as the tense atmosphere dispersed. You leaned your head back to rest in its usual spot by the nook of his neck as he relaxed his cheek against you gently.
~
Riding through Calaneth was painful as people realized the extent of your failed mission. You had hugged Marco tightly, trying to keep out all the harsh words of disapproval from the crowd. The rest of the day had passed in a haze, the unharmed soldiers left to care for the dead and get all your equipment back to their proper spots. As you were marked as wounded you had the rest of the day off to recover. It was lonely without your friends, but they were much too busy at the moment.
You checked the time as you roamed the halls aimlessly.
'Oh shit, it's almost six p.m! Captain Levi is going to kill me if I'm late for tea again!'
You picked up your pace and headed straight for mess hall.
'Petra must have the tea ready by now, oh I hope it's not cold!'
You forced the doors open to meet the sight of empty tables in the empty hall.
'Am I the first one- wait... Y/N what are you doing?! They are gone, how dare you forget...'
Your eyes felt stingy as tears trickled out. You sat down at the usual table, on your usual spot, with your hands firmly grasping your hair.
'How... How are they just gone like that? And where is Levi now by the way? I know Eren is in the infirmary...'
You raised your gaze up from your lap and looked at the seats that should have been filled. Even though Levi doesn't look it, you knew their deaths must be affecting him. You decided to take matters into your own hands and headed straight for the kitchen, clumsily finding everything Petra used to make tea.
'I don't know shit about making tea, but I'm just gonna have to figure it out...'
With a tray of two cups and a kettle of freshly brewed tea, you headed for Levi's office.
"State your name and business", you heard him say, his voice muffled by the door dividing you. You had to use your head to knock as your hands were busy holding the tray, and you head was slightly throbbing again.
'Well now I know what Jean meant.. I really can be a bit dumb sometimes. I didn't really think that move through'
"Hey Captain, it's Y/N-", his door opened before you could even state your business. He looked at you, eyeing the tray, while still holding onto the doorknob.
"I know it's a bit past six, but I was making it as fast as I could. I haven't really made tea before other than that one time Petra tried to teach me... It didn't really stick", you excused yourself sheepishly. Levi didn't say anything, he simply moved out of the way to let you in. You stepped into his office and placed the tray on his desk. You noticed him limp as he walked back to his chair. Mikasa had told you about what happened after he left you to help Eren.
You sat down at the chair across from him and quietly poured the tea from the kettle into both cups. As he took a sip, you felt the need to defend yourself. You knew nothing of how it tasted and it very well may be the worst tea he has ever had.
"Uh, Captain, I just want to again stress the fact that I've never really brewed tea before-", you said embarrassed, but he held up his finger in front of him.
"It's okay. There is much room for improvement, but it's tolerable", he assured you with a hint of smugness hidden deep in his monotone voice. You could tell he appreciated the gesture, nonetheless. You beamed at him, his words being more positive than you expected.
"You'll just have to teach me then, sir", you said with a little laugh, and his demeanour softened. The corner of his mouth twitched up a bit and he nodded once.
You continued to sip your tea in silence before feeling the need to talk about the elephant in the room. You know it would come across a bit sudden and blunt, but you knew the both of you had to air out whatever feeling you were left with after today's events.
"I was so sure they would make it... Oruo and Petra managed to blind her, and the three of them cut at her with such force, her arms fell limp down her sides. Me and Eren watched as Eld was about to finish her off, but then she concentrated all her regenerating powers into one eye and got him first... It all went south from there, and I could do anything but watch. She was too strong and too cunning. Hell, I didn't know where to go from there, but I had to do something! I had to do as Eld wished! 'Protect Eren' he said, 'save him'... Once I did do something I only managed to cut her achilles tendons before she swatted me away like I was no threat at all. Just some annoying little insect in her way", you rambled, pouring you heart out as you relived it all in your head. The tickling feeling of tears running down your face made you aware of just how much you lost yourself into the memory. You smacked down your head down to the table, defeated, the guilt eating you up. You didn't even know if you were right for talking about it to him of all people. It might be painful for him to hear as he is also grieving...
"I couldn't help them... just like i couldn't help my team in Trost", you whispered sad.
You hadn't even heard him walk over to you in your despair, only noticing when you felt his presence to your left, and his hand lightly placed on your shoulder. You could tell physical touch wasn't his thing, as even this comforting gesture felt restrained. You felt to distraught to care as you turned around and hugged him. He hesitated for a bit before relaxing into the hug. You never expected him to return the hug and your heart warmed at the feeling. There was something extra comforting about him. You knew if he ever showed any kind of emotion or performed special gestures of any kind, he was for real. And right now he felt the need to console you. Who knows, maybe he even felt the need to be consoled?
"You know, you remind me of someone", he suddenly said, backing away slightly. You had long calmed down, your eyes now dry, however a bit puffy from the crying.
"I see her eyes, smile, attitude and drive in you", he started, slowly making his way back to his chair.
"Oh, who is she?", you asked curious.
"Well, she was like my little sister...". You felt bad for asking about her in present tense. "Her name was Isabel. She lived with me and my friend in the past and we joined the regiment together. She was confident in her abilities and cheerful of her companions, much like you. She was also headstrong, refusing to back down whenever someone she cared for was in trouble, which is a stubborn trait you have shown me more than once that you obtain", he said with a little huff as you listened intently. That's the first time you had ever seen him express anything close to a laugh. This whole conversation felt surreal. Here he was opening up to you of how much you remind him of someone who was dear to his heart.
"You share her positive attitude towards life and the way it inspires others, me included. You show people like me and our squad respect but aren't afraid to question their actions if you feel they might be unnecessary. I feel compelled to keep you out of trouble since I couldn't help her. Yes you remind me a lot of her which was the original cause for my over-protectiveness, but I have long come to see you as your own person this past month. I just want to make sure you know you have my respect, and make sure you realise that you did everything you could for them out there today... They know that... I know that...", he finished, finally looking at you when he was done talking.
You could tell he felt awkward; opening up like this being out of character for him, which made it feel even more sincere for you.
"She sounds like an amazing person Captain, if I may say so without sounding conceited since this was basically a praise-fest on how much we are alike", you decided to say with a short giggle at the end, a lot more thoughts and questions lingering in the back of your head still though.
He hummered a bit and gave you a nod, amused by your comment. The sound of him actually expressing a noise of laughter was enough to make your heart flutter. Not the same kind that you get when Marco does literally anything, but the kind that erupts when you witness someone experiencing happiness in any form. You remembered the notebook in your pocket. You placed it onto the desk.
"Here, I drew some pictures of them this past month...". You opened the book, flipping through the pages that had drawings of them.
"I drew you while we had tea after the five hour intense training session... Oh! And here I drew you all the night we were all on kitchen duty and Petra and Oruo couldn't stop bickering!", you laughed, remembering the happy memory. "And here I drew them while they played cards with Eren. He was not happy with them beating him every single round", you commented teasingly. You flipped over to the last picture you drew of them, both flinching slightly at the sight. "Well, um this one is just of you guys... I'm sure you remember posing for it. I altered the expressions a little bit to match their character quirks, that's why Oruo is biting his tongue"; you explained sheepishly, feeling a bit sad now. You looked over at him as he watched your drawing intently. His eyes glistened, almost like they were wet.
'Oh no, did I make him sad?'
"Have one", you simply said and handed him your sketchbook, giving him a look telling him to pick one. He blinked away the sudden glisten and his eyes returned to normal, however his demeanour softened.
"No, it's your pictures, I can't-", he started saying handing it over to you again.
"Please Captain, I insist. You knew them the most after all... You deserve a memory of them if it is something you feel like you want", you interrupted him, pushing the book back over to his side of the desk. He quietly took a hold of it again, silently flipping through the pages before tearing out the last one. You kind of already knew he would pick that one.
"Levi.", he suddenly said.
"Captain?" you asked confused, not really sure why he stated his name like that.
"Just call me Levi from now on, no need for the formalities", he said without looking at you. His eyes were still like glued to the picture in his hands. You smiled.
"Okay, Levi", you said, sipping your tea as the two of you spent the rest of the evening flipping through your notebook, talking casually about whatever memory was behind the pencil strokes.
Y/N's drawings:
____________________________________________
A/N:
(Sorry about the quality of the photos, i could not for the life of me get it better than that, rip)
That's it for this long chapter. I had so much fun writing it and it's one of my favourites currently!:)
I hope you all enjoyed it! See ya'll next chapter!
~Jen