*Dan's POV*
The first thing I registered as I drifted out of sleep was the thing I was clutching to my chest, a disgruntled groan leaving the back of my throat as I clumsily pushed it into my line of view. I opened my eyes slowly then, wincing slightly at the amount of light filtering through the window. It's definitely way too bright in here, I always close my curtains before falling asleep. Unless Phil sneaked into my room and opened them, I wouldn't put it past him to pull something like that, just to make sure I woke up earlier and spent time with him.
After taking the time to adjust to the change in lighting and a lot of weary blinking, I finally managed to figure out the color of the object. It was mostly blue, with some sort of brighter picture- Oh, it was one of Phil's stupid throw pillows. Can you imagine how embarrassing it would have been had he seen me hanging on to that thing like my life depended on it? I don't think he'd ever let me live that one down.
Then again, that brings me to the question of why I'm passed out in the vicinity of these pillows in the first place. Whatever possessed me to fall asleep on the couch? And why doesn't my back hurt like it usually would? I sat up slowly, my hand fumbling around where my back had been moments before. I frowned when I found yet another one of his stupid pillows, refusing to admit it might be the cause behind my pain-free slumber. I would never admit that the childish-looking things actually added any positive attributes to my life.
I grabbed this one, pulling it out from behind me and setting it in my lap, staring down at it in an unimpressed glare. There was some blue character on it, vaguely resembling a poorly-drawn porcupine, possibly a hedgehog. Either way, why did it need shoes but not any other piece of clothing? I've only really played cheap third-party games and even they made more sense than whatever this is. Maybe someday I'd get the chance to see Phil playing one of them and it'll make a bit more sense, but for now it's about as confusing as why he bought all these pillows in the first place.
I tossed the pillow across the room toward the wall, careful not to send it too far in either the direction of the television or the piano, not wanting either of my most prized possessions to be damaged. It gave a very light thud as it hit the wall and I took that as my queue to fall backward again, my back nearly hitting the couch before a quiet giggle sounded not far from where I was. I jolted back upward then, memories from the past night all rushing back to me at once, the sound making the remaining bleariness fade instantly.
"Cat?" I asked hopefully, before my eyes even fell on her. She was sitting on the far opposite end of the couch, looking at the blank TV screen with a pout, making me wonder silently when I'd turned it off. I almost always left it on in case she wanted something to keep her busy while I was sleeping or working, it was the only thing she could really interact with without touching. Her gaze shifted to me after a few seconds though, finally addressing the way I'd spoke up. A small lopsided smile found her lips, growing into a huge dimpled grin the longer I stared at her in disbelief. While, in retrospect, it wasn't really surprising she'd come back, it definitely felt like she wouldn't last night, it felt like the end of the world.
"Morning, idiot." She chuckled, sighing loudly as she tilted her head and stared at me. She looked like she was waiting for me to show some sort of reaction but yet I was still just gawking at her, too relieved to see her again to really think coherently. I jumped forward suddenly on an impulse though, throwing my arms out and lunging toward her. Of course I went through her, it wasn't like there were any exceptions to the whole 'can't physically touch anything' rule, but that didn't matter to me. Right now it was just the thought that counted, hopefully she got from the pathetic failure what I was trying to say, which was how happy I was to see her. "Why do you even try that? It's only awkward on both of us."
"I don't know, I'm just really happy to see you. I couldn't help it." I muttered, my top half hanging over the armrest on the opposite side of the couch from where I'd been laying earlier. It was her fault for sitting on the very edge, now I'd ended up in this embarrassing position. At the same time though, I didn't really mind, I was the one that tried to hug her in the first place.
I scrambled back onto the couch lacking all the grace in the world, falling back against it with a huff before turning to face her. After our failed embrace she'd moved to sit on the opposite side of the couch, well, technically hover, but it wasn't really necessary to remind myself of that every time I saw her doing something, it was just naturally implied now. "I was so worried I messed things up, like really bad this time."
"You mess the up bad every time, I just don't have any other unsuspecting ghost psychics to go prey on, so I'm stuck with you." She explained, looking over at me and smiling fondly at my offended expression. She lifted her hand and gave the idea of slapping me playfully on the cheek a few times, even if I couldn't actually feel it.
I blushed, wiping the stupid look off my face and staring down at my lap, nervously twiddling my thumbs as I tried to figure out what to reply to that with. In the end I gave in and said what was really on my mind, despite how much I'd probably regret it if she ever were to bring it up again.
"I'm glad." I whispered quietly, flushing deeply as I refused to look at her reaction to my genuine words. It wasn't a lie, I really was glad I was her only choice, God knows she would have left by now if that wasn't the case, I don't really have any redeeming qualities other than that. I'm not very interesting to be around, I'm definitely not nice, I'm not even good-looking. If it weren't for the fact I can communicate with her there's no chance any ghosts would follow me around. Then again, why would I want ghosts following me in the first place, whether I could communicate or not? I'm not thinking about ghosts in general, I'm thinking about Cat. She's the only one that matters to me.
I don't know where I'd be without her honestly, she's really the only constant in my life these days, the one I can count to be there no matter how badly I mess up each time. Everyone else always put themselves first or left when the going got too tough for them, it's just natural for me to expect people to walk out. I guess that's why I was so worried about her not coming back, even if it was unrealistic to think that way. If I really wanted to go there, I guess I could say it's probably part of my reasoning behind the whole not-opening-up-to-Phil situation as well. But I don't want to go there, and definitely not right now, so I won't.
"What?" Cat prodded, batting her eyelashes as she leaned closer to me, grinning wildly. I scoffed, rolling my eyes and hugging my knees to my chest, unintentionally tensing up around her.
"I'm not saying it twice if that's what you're trying to do here." I muttered quietly, shooting her a glare out of the corner of my eye, still not forward enough to outright turn and face her. I was already regretting saying it, embarrassed and flushed all over. This is why I don't tell how I'm really feeling, it only ends in feeling all messed up and nervous.
"It's not." She sighed, thankfully realizing what she was doing to me and stopping the teasing before it got any further. I was thankful for that, the way she could tell when to call it quits and give me my space. She'd never really know how much I appreciated the consideration.
I was planning on saying something along the lines of exposing just how thankful I was, but a different sound from out of the room cut me off. There was a loud thump that could only really be attributed to Phil rolling out of bed. Or at least, that's what I was assuming, given the loud cry of protest followed by a long lazy yawn. I scrunched my face up in amusement, trying and failing to keep from vocally expression it as a quiet giggle escaped my lips, just picturing the stupid movement of him crashing out of his bed and then just yawning there on the floor. It was such a Phil thing to do. I wasn't sure when I got to the point of knowing him well enough to say what were Phil things and what weren't, but I didn't dwell on that, too amused by the picture to really care about the details for a change. He's such an idiot. "Are you going to apologize to him already? Or do I have to take off and leave you alone again?"
"Where did you even go?" I asked, genuinely intrigued. It had nothing to do with the fact I was avoiding the topic of apologizing to Phil, or that I was flustered over the way she'd so casually called me out on where my thoughts were. I was still trying to live under the pretense I didn't think about him at all.
"That's for me to know and you to find out." She cooed, waving her hands slowly around her face, in what I imagined was supposed to be a dramatic mysterious gesture. It just looked like she was pretending to be a squid or something, but I decided not to share that with her. After all, I was still trying to get back on her good side. Plus she'd let me get away with changing the topic and steering it away from Phil, so technically I did owe her one and- "So? Are you thinking out your apology right now or just getting lost in your head?" I sighed, realizing I hadn't gotten off quite as easy as I thought I had. It was worth a shot though.
"We'll see, I don't even know what I'd say." I explained softly, biting my lip as nerves started to build in my stomach just thinking about the tense atmosphere a serious apology would warrant. A casual joking apology wouldn't be so bad, but we weren't to a level of closeness quite yet that would allow something like that, I'd have to be genuine and honest. Coincidentally though, if yesterday taught me anything when I almost rushed after him to that stupid 'party' it was that I actually am genuinely sorry for the way I'm treating him.
While that might sound like a good thing to him or anyone else, it's terrifying to me. I don't care about people, that's not my thing. The second you start to care about someone else is the second you give them the power to hurt you. Even Cat, yesterday when she scared me with potentially leaving, it's the same for anyone you get close to. I don't want to take that risk, not for anyone. Cat just didn't give me a choice, I had to care about her. Then again, Phil is nearly as determined as she was, maybe he'll find a way to worm onto the short list of people I care about, I just hope not. Alive people are a lot less predictable than dead ones.
"You could start with 'sorry'." She offered, her hand settling just over my thigh, not actually touching it. The comforting notion behind the gesture was obvious enough though, and the serious tone in her voice. She wasn't just teasing or joking anymore, she really wanted me to make things right with him. I still didn't really understand her attachment to this roommate versus all the other ones, but I thought it best not to question her logic and just go along with it, especially after the way I'd snapped at her yesterday.
"Right." I stated, more to myself than her as my thoughts drifted off into potential ways the conversation with Phil could go, ways to work the apology into it without making a huge deal out of it. None of them sounded particularly enjoyable, or even tolerable, but judging by the way Cat was staring at me every time I came out of my thoughts far enough to take notice of it, she wasn't giving me much of a choice here. So with a sigh of defeat I nodded my head, agreeing to giving in. "Fine, I'll talk to him."
"Good." She beamed, gesturing wildly for me to get up. I sighed, listening to her silent demands. I stumbled a bit initially given it was the first time I was standing up today, but I got my footing quickly enough and started to leave the room. I glanced back at her once, grumbling under my breath when I saw the ecstatic expression she was holding, both of her hands in fists giving my huge thumbs up. Why is she so freaking invested in this?
I walked across the hallway as slowly as I could manage, taking my sweet time as I subconsciously tried to stall for time. I needed more time to think out what I was going to say, I needed to consider every possible route the conversation could take. I didn't want to end up somehow messing things up even worse, that was the last thing I wanted.
Eventually though I did reach his door, hovering nervously just outside of it and debating my next move. I lifted my hand to knock multiple times before I eventually let my knuckles touch the wood, rapping loudly and hoping I wasn't interrupting anything important. I don't know what sort of important meetings and such a business owner has to attend, why would I?
"Phil?" I called softly, immediately afterward. I didn't want to pause too long before I did or I'd probably just sound unsure and nervous, he wasn't allowed to know how many of those emotions hid behind my slack facade.
"Yeah?" He replied after a few seconds, his own voice sounding unsure. I guess he's not quite as private about his emotions, huh? I gave a small bashful smile to myself before wiping my face, looking up just in time to watch Phil push the door open. He leaned in the open doorway then, one hand lifted above his head and bracing him against the frame while his other hand worked on holding up the towel wrapped loosely around his waist. God, leave it to me to reach out at a time like this.
It was near impossible to keep my eyes from wandering, but it was out of curiosity in general, the need to see the unknown, not because I actually cared about his body in any sense at all. He was fit, but not really bulk or muscular. While I expected him to be relatively clean shaven or at least have lightly colored hair, both the small smattering of chest hair and the trail leading under the towel were near as dark as his dyed hair. In short, it wasn't really how I expected him to look at all without a shirt on. Not that, well, not that I'd pictured him without a shirt on in the first place, it was just a natural assumption.
Of course he noticed my lingering gaze, his face flushing and his eyebrows furrowing together as he looked into my eyes the second they snapped up. I cleared my throat, shuffling awkwardly in the spot and trying to seem like I was the one who should be uncomfortable right now. While I did just check him out in a sense, it's his fault for being so lacking of clothes in the first place, and he should know I wasn't doing it that way.
Apparently it worked because suddenly he looked slightly guilty, pulling the towel up higher and taking a step backward to give me more space. "Sorry, I figured I'd take a shower before you got up. I guess sleeping on the couch isn't quite as comfortable, huh?"
"No, it's fine." I blurted immediately, desperate to keep the conversation going to the point I didn't even think through my response. Looking back I wasn't even sure which of his two statements I was addressing. Only after I replied did I realize he was referencing how early I was awake and not just making a general statement, making me mentally face-palm myself. He was trying to keep the conversation going all on his own, if I had of waited to hear him out and actually thought out my response, maybe I would have realized-
Those thoughts were cut off quickly though, a sudden new unappreciated one invading my mind before I could stop it. How did he know I slept on the couch? Did he see me snuggling that stupid pillow? He hasn't mentioned it yet, maybe there's a chance he didn't even notice, it might have been hidden by the blankets at the time. Actually, come to think of it, I didn't fall asleep wrapped up in blankets. I fell asleep on my computer, which was neatly sat on the coffee table when I came to. Did he... put me to bed? Oh God, that is such a Phil thing to do.
I wanted to be annoyed by the gesture, like I probably would have been a few days ago, but I wasn't quite as irritated by him now as I used to be, even if I didn't want to admit it. I even found myself smiling just enough to be noticeable at the thought of him throwing that blanket over me, something I wiped off my face immediately, followed by a boatload of mental scolding to myself. Can you imagine how weird that'd look if he saw?
Speaking of which, suddenly I became aware again of what he was currently doing, worried he'd seen my awkward slip-up. I wasn't expecting to see him on the other side of the room, leaned over the desk with his back to me, straightening his slightly-dampened hair. I respectfully ignored the way he had his hips pressed out, instead walking around him in a wide radius to stand beside the desk, clearly my throat quietly. "Anyway, do you have a minute?"
"Yep, I'm just getting ready to go out. Did you want something? I'm going to the shops today if that's what you're after." He explained, eyes narrowed in concentration as he attempted to flatten a particularly stand-out piece of hair. I watched as he sucked his bottom lip back between his teeth, biting at it in frustration only to let it free to snap back into place when he finally got the hair under control, straightened perfectly into place. His lip regained color slowly and I was too fixated on watching it to realize he was staring at me until he sat the straightener down, causing a loud thump. I jumped at the noise, looking up immediately and locking eyes with his brighter blue ones.
"N-No." I replied nervously, flushing under his intent gaze. I liked it better when his concentration was on something else, it was nerve-wracking having all of his attention on me at once. I felt like I had something to prove to keep him interested and I really couldn't take that pressure. So what did I do? I fled. "Actually, it can wait. It's not that important." I blurted quickly, turning and starting out of the room before he could even reply. I realized how awkward and abrupt this left the encounter but I couldn't help it. It was far too uncomfortable trying to talk to him when he was wearing that little clothing.
He didn't call after me or even try to ask for an explanation, thankfully. He willingly let me walk out of his room and gently shut the door behind myself, sighing loudly in frustration the second it clicked into place. I didn't let myself get too worked up over my screw-up though, knowing I'd only dwell on it for far too long if I didn't stop now. Instead I threw myself into the next thing that could distract me, rushing into the living room and heading straight for the couch. I barely made it halfway there before she spoke up, tone unimpressed and almost pitying, like she could somehow tell how horribly I'd messed up. Damn, she better not have been watching our exchange or she's in trouble.
"You didn't do it, did you?" She muttered, looking away from the screen to address me as I collapsed onto the couch. I buried my face into one of the stupid pillows, not even caring if they were his. I didn't want anyone to see the way I was blushing right now, probably looking like some escapee lobster.
"He was practically naked!" I complained into the pillow, the fabric muffling my words. She understood though, loud dainty giggles filling the room to the point not even the bent-up sides of the pillow could stop me from hearing it. I whined in annoyance, hoisting myself up into a push-up position to look over at her with a glare. "I swear to God, every time I try to do a good thing it just backfires and blows up in my face." I fell back into confines of the pillow then, happy to leave the conversation at that. Apparently she wasn't though.
"How is seeing him practically naked a bad thing, I thought you were gay?" She teased, the familiar tone making it very clear she wasn't being serious. Still I felt compelled to make it known just how unlikely her suggestion was, in every sense. So I propped myself up again, taking a deep breath of air before going off in my argument.
"Not for just anyone! And especially not him." I explained, shivering noticeably at just the thought of being with him in that way. No, definitely not, not even in a million years for a million dollars. He was everything I'm not, he was intolerable, he was annoying, he was too happy. It was gross. He was the human equivalent of when you eat a sweet that's so sweet it's gross and hurts your teeth.
"Oh? Are you saying he's unique compared to everyone else? Special?" She pried further, something she probably wouldn't have done had I not given her a reaction like I did. I didn't care about that though, too determined to make sure it was known that I did not see him in that light, at all.
"Don't even start or I swear I will never speak a word to him again." I replied, sitting up completely now and giving up on the idea of comfortably relaxing into the cushions. She was determined to be a troublemaker right now so it was only a matter of time until I'd have to reply snappily to another stupid comment she made, might as well save myself the struggle.
"Don't worry, I have high hopes assuming you'll ever make a living friend. I'd be ludicrous to believe you have a shot at a relationship." She explained in a sing-song voice, sounding so casual about essentially calling me eternally single.
"Ouch." I replied, trying to sound sarcastic despite the fact I was the littlest bit offended by her words. I'm more than capable of finding someone, I just don't feel the need to quite yet. If I happen to run into someone that's perfect for me in every way or I get bored of being on my own, then I will go out looking. "It's not that far out of the question. I'll get a relationship when I want one, right now I don't. If you must know, Mom."
"Okay, sure." She said, in a way that made it quite clear she didn't believe me. I groaned angrily as I looked back at her, remembering what I'd said before to know what to say now. However, thinking back over my words, there was one that stood out in particular and made me jump to my feet.
"Wait, shit, I agreed to have lunch with my mother today!" I hissed under my breath, trying to show how urgent it was without Phil somehow overhearing and assuming I was talking to myself. I've made enough of a fool of myself for today, thank-you. Cat looked unimpressed by my announcement, probably not thrilled by the idea of me leaving her alone. I bit my lip, offering her a small nervous smile, unsure of what kind of territory I was treading on here. Would she be actually upset or just teasingly? "Can I apologize to him later?"
"It's never gonna happen, is it?" She sighed forlornly, lifting a hand to her forehead and playing up her disappointment irrationally. What a drama queen. "You don't have to apologize, but you better at least make an effort to treat him better."
"I will, I'll definitely try." I promised, meaning every word I said. I'd definitely try to treat him better, I just wasn't so sure I'd be able to succeed. It was easier said than done, especially with how incapable of simple human communication I was. Still, I had to make an effort for her, after how poorly I'd treated her yesterday.
I decided to leave on a brighter note though, looking to her with a teasing smile just before I ducked out of the room to go get ready. "Sorry for being an ass again, have fun staying home with Phil! Don't do anything stupid, don't do drugs, don't do anything life-threatening- Oh, wait."
"Get out."
--
"Hey, sweetheart." She greeted fondly, even taking the time to look up from her menu when she spoke. She gave my appearance a once-over before smiling again, locking eyes with me before nodding her head toward the seat across from her. I cautiously approached it, outwardly displaying how uneasy I was with her irrational behavior. Sure, this might have been the normal greeting between mother and son for any other family, but not for us. We were casual, we were more like friends than a parental figure and influenced.
"Hi." I responded after I settled into my chair, grabbing the napkin and placing it neatly on my lap. It wasn't really a regularly practiced method as something I did in her presence, likely some subconscious attempt at impressing her and again displaying what a capable independent adult I was now. I guess that's something I'd done a lot in my life, try to show her how grown up I am to the point I ended up just looking even more immature at times. I shook those thoughts off as quickly as they entered my mind, knowing that was a long road that was better less-traveled. Instead, I decided to address a more current issue, realizing she still hadn't responded to me. "So what's with the pet names? What's wrong now?"
"Can't I just express my love through nicknames without being questioned?" She laughed, raising an eyebrow as our eyes locked again. I mirrored her expression, earning a sneer from her, admittedly resolving that I was right yet again while still trying to cling to some of her dignity.
She sighed, brushing a rogue strand of hair behind her ear, nodding resolutely. "We'll talk later, I don't want to ruin your appetite."
"Now I'm even more worried, thanks a lot-"
"I'll pay, what do you want to order?" She offered, cutting me off before I finished voicing my concerns. I knew she did it deliberately, clearly not wanting our conversation to take the route I was steering it toward quite yet. I rolled my eyes, my own form of giving in and accepting her choice, respecting her while still clinging to my own dignity. It was a constant back and forth like this between us, considering the fact we looked at each other as complete equals rather than me looking at her as some sort of inspiring role model like some people treated their parents.
"This." I said, pointing toward a familiar option on the menu, one that I'd obsessed over a while ago. I went through a phase were this was the place I came to eat every day, back when I lived with my parents and they gave me a handful of cash to spend to basically support myself weekly. Mature or not, I was a teenager, of course I spent it all on going out to eat rather than cooking my own meals. It was the logical, lazy, thing to do, even if it meant taking an hour long bus ride into the city. It gave me something to do with my time.
She nodded knowingly in response to the familiar choice, turning just in time to smile toward the approaching waiter. I let her list off my choices, only interjecting to correct her when she ordered the wrong drink with it. It wasn't really a surprising or unfamiliar thing, we weren't really close enough to stay up to date with each other's current preferences. It didn't matter to my anymore, not like it used to when I was younger. I used to be really bothered by the way our relationship lacked normality, but now I just embraced it. I probably wouldn't like some overprotective caring parent figure anyway, it'd only get on my nerves.
"So, what's new in your life?" I looked up, not realizing I'd gotten so invested in tearing up the napkin in my hands. I cleared my throat awkwardly, brushing it aside and hoping no one would mention the childish behavior, mother or waiter. I spent only a second deciding what the most relevant recent change to my life had been, speaking up on the topic immediately after I thought of it. I definitely needed all the ears I could vent to when it came to Phil.
"I got a new roommate about a week ago."
"Oh, lovely. What's this one like?"
"Irritating, as always." I responded smoothly, leaning my elbows against the table to get closer to her, giving a chesire cat grin when she didn't mention it. Of course she noticed it, frowning slightly at the unmannerly behavior, but she didn't call me out on it of course. It came back to our uncharacteristic relationship, we were never close enough that she had the right to correct the way I acted or try to tell me how to live my life. She'd never bothered to influence it when I was younger, she didn't have any right to now.
"How so this time?" She asked instead, lifting her cup and taking a sip of the water. Her expression was inquisitive and encouraging, so I decided it wasn't too weird to just go into it and tell her all about him. She seemed willing to listen and I was eager to rant.
"Yeah, I don't know. He's different from the rest of them. It's not that he doesn't care and disrespects me like it's nothing, he cares way too much." I explained, hesitating and risking a glance in her direction, checking her reaction to my words. She seemed thoughtful but I couldn't tell what it was she was considering, instead just deciding to continue and hope she had a relevant input to give at the end of it. "I guess that makes him sound like an obsessive stalker, he's not really like that. He just tries so hard to befriend me, he doesn't seem to get the memo that I'm not interested. Or maybe he does, he just doesn't want to give up. He's so freaking persistent, it's like I don't even have a choice at this point, there's no option left but to just be his friend."
"I see-"
"And he's so incredibly..." I trailed off, wetting my lips as I fallback when I realized I wasn't entirely sure where the statement was going. I had a sneaky suspicion it had something to do with being angel-like, but I also realized that was definitely not a reasonable thing to casually say about your roommate you couldn't stand. Instead I opted for a more leisurely statement, one that hopefully wouldn't raise eyebrows but would still get my point across. "Good. He's so good, in everything he does, Mom, you have no idea. He's so honest, trusting, loyal, determined, and positive, and it's stupid. It's so stupid, he's going to get hurt so badly someday because he insists on seeing the world like he's a kid or something. I bet someone could walk all over him and he'd apologize for getting their shoes dirty, that's just the type of guy he is."
"Really?"
"I just don't understand how someone can be like that, you know?" I explained, discreetly prodding for her thoughts on the topic. I really needed to hear them right now, to try and get a second opinion on the entire situation. As much as I appreciated Cat's, I figured hers was definitely biased with how attached to Phil she seemingly was.
"It's because you're the exact opposite." She explained, making me nod in rushed agreement. I knew that much, I was expecting a thoughtful explanation that could actually help the dilemma.
"Trust me, I know." I muttered, eyeing her curiously to see if she would go into a deeper description. She seemed to be debating it, looking around the room at the decorations covering the walls. Ultimately she seemed to decide on the option I was hoping for, inhaling deeply before speaking up further.
"You're such a cynical intellectual person, you could never trust blindly or take risks that way. You think too much, you have to be sure of every decision you make, know that it won't backfire." She explained, leaving me to simply nod along in understanding. It's not like she was wrong and I was just going along with it to be polite, it was an accurate description of my outlook, if I was being honest. That was before she added more to it, a slightly offensive but still painstakingly true statement. "You never get hurt that way, but you don't have very much fun either."
"Hey, that's not-"
"He doesn't seem to think enough. He lets his emotions rule him, his life's an unpredictable roller coaster, and with that comes risks. I guess your priorities just lay in different places if he thinks it's worth it and you don't."
"Way to get all deep here, Mom." I mumbled weakly, considering everything she'd said deeply despite the faked-irritation in my voice. It's not that I was actually upset with the insight, especially after I'd gone out of my way to get some of it, but it was a rule of being a human to act flustered and annoyed whenever your parents tried to give you serious advice.
"Sorry, you just seemed like you needed help, or at least someone to talk about it with."
"No, I don't, it's not even an issue-"
"Yes it is, or it wouldn't have been the first thing you thought to bring up." My mouth snapped shut after her interruption, my cheeks noticeably heating up to the point I was shoving my face to rest in my hands just to cover it up. I hate it when she's right, I really do. "It's also the most I've been able to get you to say on a topic in months. I didn't know if your mouth would ever stop moving."
"Hey, that's rude!" I argued, realizing I'd uncovered my face to defend myself. I covered my cheeks again, but it was clearly too late, given the knowing smirk on her lips. She didn't tease me though, her tone genuine when she spoke again, even if the words she was saying were embarrassing themselves.
"I like it, seeing you invested in something for a change." I shook my head, glaring at her from under my fringe, disregarding completely how childish and stubborn I probably looked this way. It's not like I could help it, she was making a fool out of me. She was acting like I actually liked this guy, that I cared about him in some weird twisted way. I don't, I just find him annoying and I feel bad when I make him sad. That's a perfectly normal way to feel, even about people you don't like.
"I'm not invested by any means, he could move out tomorrow and I wouldn't care." I explained, my voice not wavering in the slightest despite the fact my thoughts were starting to. What would actually happen if he were to move out tomorrow? Would I just let him go without a word like all the others? Even though he's my last option? "He's stupid and annoying, that's it."
"What's he look like?" She pried, immediately after I finished speaking. I made a strangled gagging noise, trying to keep it relatively quiet so I wouldn't turn any heads with the obnoxious noise.
"Unimportant."
"Let me guess then. Tan skin, blonde hair, brown eyes, fit body-" I cut her off, physically unable to listen to any more of the mess she was spewing. She was making him out to be some macho surfer from the south or something, it was so far off it was laughable. I decided it was reason enough to describe him, just so she wouldn't have such a warped image in the future.
"No, ew, Mom. He looks nothing like that. He's the palest person I've ever met, I won't even be able to spot him in the winter because he'll blend right in. His hair was originally blonde or ginger, I don't really know, but he dyes it black and it actually really suits him. Or maybe it's just because his eyes are so blue and the black brings it out." I rambled, not even noticing when a plate of food was placed in front of me, or when she started eating from hers. My attention was too far gone in what I was saying, my eyes looking upward so I could stay focused and picture the image I was describing. To make sure I have her an accurate description of course, even if it meant spending more time with his stupid face on my mind. "And he's not fit. I mean, he's not fat either, he's just not the muscular surfer you were probably picturing either."
"For something so unimportant you've certainly spent a lot of time studying, huh?" She questioned, making my blink a few times as I came back to my senses. A tense feeling crept over me, slowly coming to the realization of just how long I'd spent describing something so irrelevant. She wasn't wrong, but she was definitely jumping to the wrong conclusions. It was just because I wanted her to know what he looked like because it was annoying hearing her image be so off, not because I actually cared about the way he looked myself. Her eyes told me she definitely took it the latter way though, something I could not settle for.
"I have eyes and he lives with me, it's not like I can help being forced to look at him." I muttered, tearing at another napkin out of annoyance this time, rather than distraction.
"Does he have cooties too?" She teased, batting her eyelashes at me when I looked up in an unimpressed glare.
"Mom." I practically growled, genuine irritation finding me now the longer I looked at her stupid expression. She was acting like she knew something I didn't, which was the stupidest thing I'd ever heard because how could she know more about my relationship with a guy than I did when she hadn't even met him in the past. No, she's just being ignorant and jumping to conclusions, like she always does. I wish she'd think about the things she says some more, because she is so incredibly wrong, it almost hurts.
"Fine, I'll drop it. Next topic?" She asked, giving me the reigns to take things somewhere else. I debated it as I started in on my meal, eating it quietly as we both withdrew into our minds. Eventually a question came to me though, something that had been bothering me before she gave me an even more irritating thing to think about.
"What's your big news?"
"It's still a little early to-" She paused though, taking note of the unimpressed blank-faced look I was giving her. She shrugged her shoulders slowly, twirling the water around in her cup as she juggled it around in one hand. She didn't look at me when she spoke, likely out of nerves, but I was thankful for that given my reaction. "I'm pregnant."
"With a baby?" I spluttered, a bite of food visibly flying out of my mouth. I cleaned it up quickly with flushed cheeks, downing some water to keep from choking. No, that definitely wasn't the news I'd been expecting. I expected a divorce maybe, moving away to a new house maybe, but not this. It's even more final in a sense, almost like she's starting a new life entirely.
"No, an alien warlord. Yes, a baby."
"Aren't you like, too old?" I asked meekly, trying to figure out the unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew my responses were less than mature at this point and I probably sounded like some ignorant pre-teen with how unenthusiastic I was acting, but I couldn't help it. Something was off about my emotions toward the situation and I only made it worse given how angry that fact made me.
"I was only sixteen when I had you. You're nineteen now, meaning I'm at the age most respectable adults choose to have kids."
"Gross." I snapped my mouth shut, wishing I could just stitch it that way permanently after that single word slipped out. That was totally uncalled for, even with my current mood, there's no excuse for that. She was probably expecting me to be happy and encouraging and I'm acting this way. Yeah, Dan, you're definitely proving what an adult you are to her.
"You're so immature!" She snapped, though she sounded more self-conscious than genuinely angry or annoyed. In a way, that almost made it worse. She was nervous rather than scolding, that means my opinion actually means something to her. "He's your brother, you know, show some respect."
"He's literally young enough to be my son." I pointed out, trying to keep my tone neutral despite the growing sour sensation in the pit of my stomach. I didn't mean for it to lead to something else, but the second I looked up and saw that smirk on her lips, I knew it was time for me to be nervous and uncomfortable. "Oh, God, no, not that conversation."
"You're next." She whispered, grinning slyly as I sank back against my seat. She was persistent as hell about this, like her life accomplishment was to become a grandmother or something. I honestly didn't know why she wanted to at all, especially when she had another kid to worry about of her own. I was the last person that should be looking into having a kid. I was so far from ready and I wasn't sure I'd ever be. I wanted kids, but at the same time I refused to even consider until I had every tiny aspect of my life sorted out. I wanted them to have good, genuine, consistent lives, nothing like my childhood had been.
I was only nineteen but she was very apt to point out how young she was when she had me whenever I tried to use that argument, so instead I was forced to fall back onto every other option. It's not like I could point out how badly her entire child-raising experience had gone at that age, especially not now that she was expecting another. That'd just make me look jealous.
Jealous. That's a weird thing to think about, huh? Why would I be jealous of that poor kid, he has to put up with my parents full-time for at least eighteen years.
"I'm gay." I reminded her, knowing exactly how she'd respond to that statement but trying it anyway. It's how this conversation always went, I figured I'd just follow the path laid out for us and hope for the best.
"You can adopt, or if you want to go a different route you could always get a surrogate or-"
"Mom, we're not having this conversation." I responded, trying desperately not to think about the things she was suggesting. It wasn't so much the options themselves as the entire idea of kids right now. At this point in my life, the only thing more terrifying than kids was having to move back in with my parents and get a job around people, constantly. That was pretty serious.
"I warned you it'd ruin your appetite!"
"I'm never having kids, not when their lunatic grandmother has a chance of rubbing off on them." I laughed, keeping my tone teasing but also mildly serious, in the way that discreetly told her she would not be acting like this if I ever did end up raising children. "You're getting crazier with old age, I feel bad for this poor little love child."
"Shut-up." She laughed, swatting at me from across the table, obviously not fond of the way I was referring to the fetus. I'm not sure why it mattered, considering it couldn't tell and she knew I wasn't serious, but I decided to just go along with it. Especially when she spoke up again, sounding more meek than she had in a long time. "You'll accept him though, right? As your brother?"
"Of course I will." I promised, reaching across the table to take her hand in mine, trying to reassure her with the gesture. I didn't like hearing her sound so nervous and unsure. I still couldn't really decipher why the thought of this new 'baby brother' left such a bad taste in my mind, but I decided that wasn't a current concern. I had forever to figure out my own shit, right now she needed me to be there for her. I'm a pretty shitty person, but I do know how to tell when times are serious and to treat them as such.
"Good." She breathed out in a sigh of relief, squeezing my hand in hers. She still sounded nervous when she continued though, almost like she was unsure how I'd react, like she was admitting something that might relieve me or set me off completely. It was only a few words into her explanation that I realized why. "We've both got pretty reliable incomes now that I went back to school and your father has a lot saved up. I don't want you to think we're unfit or anything, we're in a completely different situation than when we had you-" I knew it was wrong even before I said it, but I couldn't stand to listen to her try and justify the second child to me anymore. She didn't need my approval.
"He was planned?" I regretted it as soon as I said it, mentally cursing at myself for being so incredibly insensitive. In the back of my mind I guess it was quite obvious why the second kid was such an irritation to me, I just really didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to acknowledge the fact I cared at all about the way they weren't there for me as kids, I definitely didn't want to act like I was a big jealous baby that couldn't take the fact someone else was going to get the attention he didn't. So much for being a mature adult, huh?
"Daniel. We don't love you any less just because you happened to be a bit of a surprise, it just made it very hard to show it when we were stuck getting money to raise you all the time." I nodded my head, though I still refused to meet her gaze. I felt pathetic and angry at myself, unhappy that I'd let myself say something like that. Partly because I didn't like to share my emotions, but because of how inconsiderate it was to her. She didn't need to worry anymore about me, it was too late and a waste of time. It's not like she could turn back time. "I'd make it up to you if I could, but I get the feeling it's a bit too late for that now. I love you all the same though, I'm here if you ever change your mind."
"Thanks." I muttered weakly, too far gone to really take note of her attempts at concealing me. Not that I would have anyway, because she didn't have to. She did everything she could for me, it's childish of me to still be upset by it. I should be the one apologizing to her.
"And if things don't work out with attractive albino roommate we have a spare bedroom with your name on it until you get on your feet."
"Mom, I can do this. I'm independent." I explained for what felt like the hundredth time, looking longingly toward the door. I was in the process of trying to think up an excuse to leave when she spoke again, her tone hopeful and cautious, like she realized exactly where my thoughts were right now.
"Yes, but you don't have to be is what I'm saying." I nodded slowly, sighing. It would be a lot easier to leave now that things are awkward, I really want to, but that's also the childish thing to do, isn't it? So when she spoke again, asking me the question I knew was on it's way, I swallowed my pride and nodded, despite how I wished to leave the awkward environment behind. "Dessert?"
"Mm-hmm."
--
I was in a relatively good mood during my cab ride home, watching the familiar neighborhood fly by out my window. Of course I realized this restaurant was hardly more than a block away from my apartment and I probably could have walked, but I wasn't in that good or bad of a mood to go for that route. I hadn't bothered with a car before moving out due to the idea I wouldn't be leaving the apartment much at all. I wasn't wrong, I hardly ever set foot outside, but during the winter months or particularly busy times of day when it was impossible to hail a cab, that's when I really regretted my choice to leave as soon of possible without waiting for a car, seeing as I definitely didn't have the extra money for it now. I was just barely putting ends together, scouring the web daily for any sort of job that I could do from my bedroom without too much difficulty. Sooner or later I was going to have no choice but to venture out into the real world, Phil being here was really only putting off the inevitable, but at least it gave me more time to figure out exactly what I wanted to do.
I could go back to school I suppose, but the thought just made my sick to my stomach to think about. Not only did that mean deciding on one career path for likely the rest of my life, it meant facing daily responsibilities and other people. I just couldn't take all of that, not after how casual my life has been recently. I'm not sure I could do anything other than that now.
I could go after some kind of career that didn't really take much schooling, but most of those took a lot of talent. Even if I had talent, I was certain I wouldn't think so. I was much too harsh on myself, a constant critic that only saw the bad in what I did. Hence why I'd never pursued a living like that, even if I really genuinely enjoyed working on sets and such with my father when I was younger and he was a mediocre special effects man. He was much more professional now in what he did, but I'd never forget the days he managed to sneak me into work with him, meeting all kinds of different actors and people from different walks of life. It wouldn't be such a bad job, something similar to acting or working with actors, but I wasn't sure I had the talent for any of it.
Even with the serious path my thoughts seemed to be taking my mood was still rather laid-back, not really too invested in what was going on in my mind for a change. I was looking forward to getting home and falling into my own bed, somewhere I'd been lacking since yesterday morning considering the way I fell asleep on the couch. Who knows, maybe I'll take Cat's advice for a change and invite Phil to come watch shows with me or something, it's not like I have anything on my schedule with how job offers have been lacking lately.
I thanked the driver when we reached my apartment, shoving the change I'd counted out perfectly into his hand. I'd memorized by now how much cab drives to each of my mainly frequented stops costed, making sure to count out the exact amount of money in advance to save from any extremely awkward encounters. My biggest fear was not having enough money when they'd already driven me all the way to where I wanted to go, I couldn't let it come true.
I got out of the vehicle as quickly as possible then, giving him a courteous nod as I walked away. I pulled up my pants when I turned back around, reminding myself for what seemed like the hundredth time that I had to look into getting another belt, one that actually worked for a change. I was quick to cross the parking lot then though, even jogging for a few seconds to reach the doors. It wasn't really out of eagerness to get home so much as to get out of the cold. The temperatures were dropping fast the closer December got, I was not looking forward to snow and Christmas at all.
I decided I'd worry about that when we got to that point though, instead concentrating on just getting up to my apartment. Of course it was only after I walked inside and my eyes fell on the brightly-colored sign again that I remembered the elevator was out of order, my lips twitching and smile faltering. I didn't let it drop completely though, determined to keep my good mood alive. I told Cat I was going to make an effort with Phil, that's going to be a lot more difficult if I'm in a bad mood.
I made it upstairs after a very long and strenuous trip that I did not want to repeat, even if it was probably just an easy minute's journey for a few people, it was hell for me. I was panting when my fingers finally wound around the doorknob, gripping it tightly only to curse quietly when I realized the door was obviously locked. I dug my keys out then, grumbling under my breath as my mood slipped through my fingers. I'm determined to stay happy. They're just a lot of simple setbacks, it's nothing huge.
I walked through the door, shrugging my jacket off as I walked. It hit the floor with a quiet noise, though that's not where my attention was. Instead my eyes had naturally fallen on the person standing in the middle of my kitchen, swaying distractedly to music playing from the stereo in the corner. That didn't really hold my attention though, it was nothing new to see Phil dancing around the apartment. What wasn't quite as common or quite as welcome, was the box he was holding, his other arm buried up to the elbow inside of it.
"Is that my cereal?" I blurted, stomping closer without even bothering to take off my shoes first. He spun around, his eyes wide as a startled squeak left his lips, something that made me doubt he'd heard me come in. I groaned loudly, able to see the box clearly now that he was facing me. He'd bought almost all of my cereal brands in bulk, but of course he had to go for the one that only I had. I swear he does it just to be difficult, what other explanation is there? "You bought so much of it, why eat mine?!"
"I don't have any Lucky Charms." He reasoned quietly, withdrawing his hand before slowly outstretching his other one, offering the box to me. I snatched it without hesitation, ripping the plastic bag out and studying how much was left. Surprisingly, there was almost an entire package in-tact. Well, an entire package of the cereal, the marshmallows were seemingly absent. I couldn't believe there was a grown man who would just sit there and eat the marshmallows, flipping it around in my hands and trying to spot even one colorful survivor. There weren't any, it was a barren wasteland of unexciting sand-colored grains, aside from the handful of sorted marshmallows I noticed displayed on the counter. I guess he hadn't been eating them right after he found each one, he'd been stockpiling them slowly on the counter.
"You're literally just eating the marshmallows. What are you, five?" I sighed loudly, voicing my observations aloud for the first time, letting my frustration show through in my voice despite the voice in the back of my mind reminding me I was supposed to be on my best behavior around him. It's not like I could help it, he was the most irritating person I'd ever met. Everything he did just seemed to rub me the wrong way.
He looked like he could vouch the same for me right now though, the most outwardly emotional face he'd shown yet imprinted onto his features. He wasn't even looking at me, instead staring at his feet, or his hands, I couldn't really tell. They were occupied by clutching at the bottom of his shirt, picking at a piece of stitching that was coming loose. It irritated me even more than he did now that I took notice of the stupid thread, but I forced my eyes off of it and back to his face, studying the genuinely guilty expression found there.
"According to you, yeah." He muttered quietly, so under his breath I wasn't sure I was supposed to hear it, especially when he was still avoiding any eye contact in the slightest. I was about to leave it at that and just walk away, but I'd only lifted my foot into the air when I realized how badly I'd messed up my plan to reach out to him, just like last time.
When thinking about last time, our short interaction this morning, it was impossible not to notice something had definitely changed in his demeanor. I wasn't sure what happened while he was out shopping but his mood seemed to have depleted even further than mine, with how self-pitying and shameful he was acting. Maybe it was just that he'd been caught doing something he wasn't supposed to, or because I had the upper hand now that I wasn't all bashful and embarrassed due to his clothing, or lack thereof, but either way he wasn't acting nearly as casual around me as before. This is what Cat meant, about being considerate. I have no idea how his day went, maybe he really needed those stupid sugar morsels. It's not like I'm a huge fan of them, it's not really that huge of a loss to me even if he doesn't have reasoning behind his actions, I'm just playing it up because I'm an asshole.
"Have them." I sighed out, swallowing my pride. I turned to leave again then, but he spoke up before I got the chance, voice unsure and hesitant, possibly even slightly offended if you paid close attention.
"Just because my hand was in the box? If it's that I can just buy you a new box-" I turned around, waving my hands dismissively between the two of us.
"No, I don't even like them that much. Just take them, no false-feelings or strings attached." I explained, begging him with my tone to just drop it and not read more into it than there actually was. I was just being an average friendly roommate sharing his stupid cereal, it's not a big deal.
Of course that was asking for too much though, considering the stupid shine that suddenly found his eyes at he stared at me. It was like I'd offered a homeless man a place to stay or something, not a self-supported adult some tiny marshmallows. He looked positively enthused, it was scary in fact, that he could get this excited over something so small.
"Thanks." He blurted suddenly, his face scrunching up into a huge toothy grin. I scoffed quietly in response, scuffing the front of my shoe against the floor, distracting myself from the stupid thankful expression on his face. He was definitely overreacting, exactly what I'd hoped he wouldn't do. Then again, that's always what he does, what I least want him to.
I don't know why I put up with him as much as I do honestly, he's caused me more trouble than he's helped. But I guess he's not all bad, he's definitely not the worst roommate I've had. He definitely seems to mean well, he just doesn't really understand limits and reasoning. He's obnoxiously stubborn, in the determined almost admirable kind of way. Yeah, he's definitely not all bad. "Hey, do you want to-"
"No." I blurted, before he even finished what he was saying. My head snapped up from it's down-turned position, eyes wide and slightly hectic when they locked with his. I'd thought about spending the night watching shows with him, and it's not that I'd changed my mind, it was just stressful. It's not like I was even the one to ask, he'd just done it for me, yet it was so much easier to just say no and say to hell with all of the trouble in the first place. Why was it so intimidating to just agree to spend some time with him? When did things get so confusing and mixed up? It's always just been I don't want to do anything so I don't. I'm not used to mixed feelings like this, I'm used to black and white decisions. "Busy. Work-related."
"Right, sorry." He laughed, nodding his head understandingly. It irked me, how well he took my rejection. Shouldn't he be angry with me? I rejected him before he even got the chance to ask, outwardly lied about my reasoning behind it, I treated him horribly. He didn't even seem to care. I deserved his backlash, yet he continued to treat me with the respect I probably didn't deserve.
I nodded back, turning on my heel and walking away for real this time. My hands were shoved deep into my pockets, clenched into tight troubled fists as I bit at my lower lip, heading toward my room.
"So am I." I whispered quietly, knowing he wouldn't be able to hear it but needing to voice it all the same. And I was, I was sorry for the way I was treating him. I didn't want to address it and I definitely didn't want to dwell on it, but at this point there wasn't really a way around admitting how miserable I felt each time our interactions fell less than satisfactory on both sides.
It's not that I wanted to befriend him, because I didn't. But I was slowly realizing that that wasn't any excuse to treat him like he was totally worthless, like his advances and effort meant absolutely nothing to me. I just wanted to reach a mutual understanding, to live compatible in the same environment while hopefully interacting as little as possible. I wanted us both happy, it wasn't just myself that mattered anymore.
"Good luck with work!" I stopped in my tracks just before closing my door behind myself, glaring in his general direction through the wall. How could he do that? Wish me good luck and act so sweet when I was so ignorant to him? Why is he so stupidly dedicated? And why do I still feel guilty because of it?
A/n: Hello goose friends it has not been that long i am infinite crusty delicious bleeeeeeeeeee. Okay wow this got real weird real fucking fast. I'm in a mood right now, if you can't tell. Anyway, here's some good old chapter for ur eye socket holes to read i hope u like it lots it was a gr9 time to write it. Anyway anyway ANnYWAy god did i tell u that i posted the third book in this trilogy? I think I did, whatever, go read Outcast right now or ill punch u in the tithole imagine if boobs went inward instead of out. Don't imagine that, it'll damage u emotionally. Fucufurjfkeds okay cool this edit was made by jesus christ himself just kiDDING IT WAS ACTUALLY MADE BY @/PurePhantasy and @/SunshineHowelll ON TUMBLRRRRRRRR GO CHECK EM OUT CHCHCHCHCHHCECK EM OUT. ALSO IMPORTANT TIME OF THE DAY AUTHOR'S NOTE, DO ANY OF YOU HAVE SONG SUGGESTIONS THAT U RLLY RLLY LOVE OR THAT REMIND U OF MY STORIES? THX GR8 PLS ANSWER GOD DMSANF