But it can't be the end.
I can't end it like this.
Right?
Pankiny and scared, traumatized and ill, I kick the masked man off my shaking body. But he's not moving. He won't budge.
Not being able to hear what his voice is saying, I squirm around, trying to get out of his arms. Also unsuccessful. With my racing heart and sweaty body, I start kicking, anywhere and everywhere, with all the energy I have left.
I end up kicking his masked jaw, leaving him on the floor in pain. I'm so sorry. I stand up, not knowing what to do with my body. Everything turns to normal speed, guilt, happiness, relief, joy, worrisome washes over my damp, shaking skin.
I did it.
I saved my life.
I rush to Harry, who is letting the police into the room. "H-Harry. I- Harry," I panicked, not knowing what to say.
He doesn't reply, just brings me into the luckiest hug of my life. I'm going to make his chest wet and I don't care. "It's okay," He reassures me. I can hear the worrisome in his voice. I can tell he has a frown on his face.
He parts our hug, not letting go of me, though. "You okay? Did he hurt you?" He asks, wiping my teary cheek.
I shake my head no, my heart still beating rapidly, my chest rises higher than ever. I bring us into a warm hug again as that's the only way I can feel safe right now. I almost died. He kisses my temple, making my heart slow down. I smile weakly into his now damp tee.
"Harry, what if he gets you, what if-" I cut myself off. He hugs me tighter, making me warmer.
I'm safe now.
"We'll be alright."
***
"Thank you, sir." He says in a concerned voice.
"Harry who was the person getting me?" I don't feel like saying anything more.
Harry opens his empty mouth before closing it right back up.
"Harry, please," I say weakly.
I watch as Harry becomes pale, as I'm still terrified from earlier. "Harry."
He stands up from his seat before backing up. "I- they said it doesn't matter." he says, looking to the side.
Looking to the side.
"So now you're a liar?!" I say following him out of the room. His jaw clenches as he fiddles with the metal around his fingers.
I don't feel mad. I don't feel much considering what happened. Just overwhelmed.
He's probably doing it for the best but I need to know, right?
I feel like I need to cry but I have no tears left to do so. "Harry! Why don't you tell me things? I get you're tight shut about your past as that is more sensitive and I'm not any better, but with things that include me?"
"I do." He says timidly, not being able to make any eye contact.
"Do you? Do you?! As far as I'm concerned you didn't tell me about the paparazzi shots. You didn't tell me about it at all! And now this?"
I say walking up to him as he is still backing away. "And I'm trapped! I can't just wait for you this time Harry. You have to meet me halfway. It's only fair. I cannot just run away from our problems this time."
I can tell Harry knows and I would like to know.
I bump into his chest as he stops at the counter making my mind go blank.
"You need to start fixing this, Harry." I say bluntly, trying to contain the pain deep within me. I look into his dark, worried eyes. "Otherwise it's going to break your heart. And I won't be able to put the pieces back together, my hands will be full of wounds already."
Not needing to say anything else, I put on my shoes and leave the building into the cold wet air.
And I'm not complaining.
***
The rain running down my face, I sit on the wall outside.
I'm so hurt right now yet look at everybody else.
I see a family of two, a kid and a mother; they're laughing under their umbrellas. To the left, I see a man interlocking fingers with a slighter taller man; smiling at each other.
The rain is like darkness.
Harry always told me that he'd sit with me in the darkness.
I guess no one's perfect.
I mean everyone has their somebody. They're all protected from the darkness. I'm just not one of those people.
I guess one thing good about the rain is that no one can see your tears. No one hears your screams to be taken back up.
This girl, maybe the same age as me, sits beside me. I respect her privacy and turn my head back down to my soaking wet jeans. I look down and see her crisps packet, the outside dripping with rain.
She cocks her arm to me, offering the crisps.
Just like Harry did with the bread. Except there are no ducks and no sun.
And no Harry.
"Oh, no, no thank you," I stumble out, it feels as if I haven't spoken in days.
Blossom, this is Japan, she's not English.
"You are English?" She asks in a blocky tone. Surprised, I turn up to look at her sad face. I nod. "I am learn English," She says, doing a weak, broken smile. I smile at her broken English. "My name is Rin," She shows off another smile. I notice how high her voice is and her soaking hair just below her shoulders.
"I'm Blossom," I reply. She smiles with her eyes closed.
"That's a beautiful name, Blossom," She opens up her eyes and cocks the crisps further. "Please, Blossom, eating some crisps."
All I do is smile and take one crisp. She smiles back. "Why are you in Japan, Blossom?"
Choosing not to correct her English, I reply "One of my," Is Harry a friend? Or more? I mean I lost my virginity to him? We don't really have a title. "friend," What if that was wrong of me to say? Sorry, Harry. "He travels a lot, I decided to go with him,"
"That is great! Where did you start from?" She tosses the packet into the bin and turns to face my body completely.
"Britain. He and I live in the UK."
"I have always wanted to visit!" She says, happier than before. "It looks so amazing there," she says. I smile and turn my body so I'm cross-legged on the wall, like her.
"Rin, you look upset, are you okay?" I know I don't know Rin or anything but everyone needs a somebody.
She looks down at her lap. "My mother is sick from yesterday." I see tears well up in her eyes. I feel so bad. "I just needing some air,"
"I'm so sorry," I say. I've never been good at talking about this stuff. My mind goes blank from sadness and I forget how to project it with words.
"Why is Blossom outside?"
"Exploring," I lie "Even in the rain Japan is beautiful." I smile, trying to lighten the mood.
"You looking sad." She says in her English. "Your friend make you saddened, Blossom?" I look down to my lap.
I nod at her. "He's not meeting me halfway."
She probably doesn't understand. No offence to her English.
Why am I trusting someone I barely know with this.
Too late, I guess.
"Blossom-" Her phone starts vibrating. "はい父さん?(Yes, Dad?)" She says into her phone "はい(yes)"
Puts her phone down. "Sorry, Blossom. Father talks breakfast is ready. I am staying with family for a moment." She does a weak smile "Get our phone numbers," She smiles.
We exchange phone numbers. "Blossom, maybe you are meeting halfway, but not on the same paths." She smiles weakly."We will talk soon. Are you travelling soon?" She asks.
"I'm going to New York tomorrow," I say, sad that I won't be seeing Rin any time soon.
She gets down from the wall and starts backing away. "Please visit again soon!" She smiles.
And she wanders off into a crowd of dripping umbrellas.
I smile as I watch her leave. She seemed so nice.
Maybe Harry and I aren't on the same path. Maybe we need to find our paths. How will I do that?
***
Harry can tell I've been quiet all day. But, He's not pushing it. Rin's words have been replaying in my head over and over again. It's driving me crazy. How will I meet him on the same paths? Find things to relate to? Find the real him? Not just the 'me him' but the 'him him'. Or maybe he needs to find that himself.
What if the 'me him' is actually the 'him him' and he just doesn't know it?
While Harry's performing, I might as well write, to get my mind off of things. No offence to Harry. Or Rin.
Forgetting your past is hard, almost impossible.
When I left, I knew some part of me would always be with my Dad- even my Mum.
I mean, I have so many things that I own from that house in New York. The necklace that I lent to the person who made my stars align; the note my Dad gave me on his last business trip whilst I was there; my heart.
Me.
I know, it sounds pathetic, but it's true.
I mean the necklace he gave to me because he knew my stars would align.
The note was the last thing I got from my dad. That day was the last time I saw him, too. The note reads:
Sorry I couldn't be there for your big day! Can't wait to see you again! Gone to Seattle I'll be back in 5 months. I'll be back, Little One.
P.S I know an 18-year-old isn't very little anymore. You'll always be Little One.
P.S.S Love you.
And finally, my heart. My heart will always be there. It's with everyone I opened up to.
So piece by piece, I am breaking apart.
Writing makes me realise so many things. All my secret thoughts jump out all at once. I still have no idea what this story is about. It's about me. About me coping. No one wants to hear about my past but it is what it is.
That's okay though.
"Just a little bit of your heart"
My head shoots up as I see his body turned to face me singing the song. I don't know why it shot up like that. Maybe I just wasn't expecting it.
How didn't I hear the lyrics before?
Blossom, not important.
"Just a little bit of your heart is all I'm asking for"
He then plays his patterned guitar as I watch his eyes meet mine. His jaw clenches slightly as he turns to face the dark, built floor, leaving me there with my own thoughts.
Why is he facing me? Why this song? How come I didn't know? Why me? I mean, just a little bit of your heart? What does he mean by that? Maybe I'm just delusional or maybe I'm trying to ignore the truth that I can no longer see. Maybe it isn't that deep.
Maybe I should just forget it.
But I can't. I can't really forget this day.
I mean, I almost got stabbed. Not something that I can put behind me. Harry made sure there was at least another person in the room and I'm happy about it. Call it controlling, but I'm scared out of my own skin that someone's trying to get me. I find that petrifying. So simply, I leave it be as it makes me feel safe.
I would still like to know who the mystery person is.
We haven't really spoken since.
I watch as his eyes sparkle from the light above, sending me in awe.
"I heard a little love is better than none"
He looks into me with the weakest, broken smile I've ever seen. His eyes very quickly flicker away.
I don't know what I've done. Did I do anything?
Maybe I was being too harsh.
I need some air.
I swerve through the busy crowd into the outside world where absolutely no one is here.
Just me.
Like before.
It's not raining anymore, though. It's very much wet still. And no people are here.
The cool air fills my lungs as I stay here with my thoughts.
My terrible, terrible thoughts.
I mean, was I too harsh? I told him that I wanted to know things. Was it wrong of me? Am I being dramatic?
Why is the person trying to harm me? What did I do? Who is this person? Am I overthinking all of this? Should I have come not come on this tour with him?
I hear the back door open but I chose not to look. It wasn't even a thought that came to my head.
"Sorry."
It's Harry.
"I'll tell you."
I still don't look at him. Should I?
He sits down beside me. "Love, please don't be scared."
I look at him and weakly smile. "Promise," I whisper, still feeling slightly overwhelmed by it all.
"It's two people."