I tried to sleep.
I really did.
I wanted to sleep. I was so tired. It had been almost 24 hours since I'd slept last, and that was only for a few hours at most.
The problem was that every time I closed my eyes, I was astonishingly aware that it would only take a second for someone to get to me, and I would never see it coming. Just like last night.
I tried to set up counter measures. Once I deduced the boys were asleep by the sounds of their shallow breathing, I crept across the room to shut the open door, locking it, and twisting the door knob just in case. I tried to use my pillow and the blanket to form a barrier around me, just to make it harder for someone to creep up on me. Just to give myself a few seconds to be able to react.
But when I closed my eyes, the panic was still there. So eventually, I gave up hope. I sat up against the wall, and hugged my legs against my chest. And I waited, painfully, for the sun to rise.
I didn't necessarily think Jax would be stupid enough to try to get to me in a room full of witnesses. I also didn't necessarily think Zane, Cain or Carter would attempt to do the same thing Jax did. Not that it means much, I never thought Jax would have either.
So I sat, numbly, for hours. I didn't think about much. Except how tired I was. When the sun had finally made its appearance in the sky, and I heard the boys began to rise, I quickly fixed my blankets and laid back down on my back. I closed my eyes as I heard Carter hop off the top bunk, forgoing the small ladder completely. He didn't seem to suspect anything. I repeated the process when Cain woke. So far so good.
I stared up at the ceiling while I waited for Zane to wake up and leave the room. I was anxious to leave. I held hope that I would feel better once we were out of this house, once I was back in my room, in my own bed. I could sleep at least. Once we were out of here there would be no reminders. Out of sight and out of mind, as they say. Life would go on. Everything would be back to normal.
"Morning." Zane said out of nowhere. He had a habit of creeping up on me, apparently, just when I had my guard down.
"Hey." I greeted him back. He was in the bottom bed across from me, seated and turned towards me.
"How'd you sleep?" He asked politely. I was starting to hate the way Zane looked at me when he talked to me, like he could see past all my lies.
"Fine." I replied, looking back up at ceiling.
"I'm glad. I hate these beds. You know Carter let's you take the master bedroom every time we come up here? I always wondered why he would voluntarily give up that bed." He chuckled and then paused, waiting for me to say something. I didn't, so he continued. "I think everyone is eating breakfast, if you want to come."
"When are we leaving?" I asked him, barely letting him finish his sentence. Zane drove us here, so I assumed he would be the one to set the time to drive back.
Zane titled his head and peered at me, yet his face gave away no hint of what he was thinking. "I don't know yet. Why? Is there a time you have to be home?"
"No. I was just wondering. I'm going to go pack." I muttered quickly, jumping to my feet and leaving the room.
I paused only for a second at the door to the room this time. I had been mentally psyching myself up for this moment. I didn't look at the bed as I quickly gathered my belongings. I grabbed the first outfit I laid my hands on and tugged it onto my body. A pair of jean shorts and a pink crop top. It would have to do.
Normally, I'd pack everything with care. Not this time, I haphazardly stuffed everything in, not pausing to even separate the dirty clothes from the ones I hadn't got a chance to wear. The sooner everything was in this bag, the sooner I could leave this room and never come back.
I barely swept the room with my eyes to make sure I had gotten everything. If I left something behind, it would stay there. I didn't want it anymore. Taking a deep breath, I strapped the bag over my shoulder and made my way to the kitchen. I ran my nails through my hair a couple of times before accepting defeat and throwing it in a messy bun.
"We have to leave now?" I heard Olivia screech before I turned the corner. The first genuine smile of weekend crept onto my lips.
"In about 15 minutes, so start packing." Zane responded, his voice dismissive. I paused before I entered the room.
"I wanted to tan." Olivia whined and I could practically see her pout in my mind.
"You said we were going to spend the day here." Trinity interjected, her voice the same pitch as Olivia's.
"I have to be home sooner. You're welcome to stay, but I'm leaving in 15 minutes." Zane replied.
"Fine." Olivia huffed, and I heard the screech of her chair being pushed out. I entered the room before she could catch me listening.
"Looks like someone got the memo before everyone else." Olivia muttered, looking at my already packed bag. I met her eyes for a second before I turned to face the group. I had to act out the rest of the plan I had conceived in the darkness of the bunk room last night, I didn't have time for Olivia.
"Cain, can I talk to you?" I spoke into the room. Cain's head shot up, almost like he was shocked I was talking to him. "In private." I added when he made no attempt to move.
Jax wasn't the only one wearing a pissed off expression this time, Carter was glaring at me now too. Whatever.
I walked into the den after confirming Cain was following me in there. I took a breath before turning to him. I didn't want questions, I didn't want to give an explanation, so I had decided there was one way to get this over with as soon as possible.
I gently moved my hand towards Cain's, who stood abnormally still as he realized what I was doing. His eyes followed my hand as I grabbed onto the hem of the arm of his hoodie.
"Is there anyway I can persuade you to trade seats with me for the ride back." I tried to keep my voice sweet, like I was flirting. Was this flirting? I wasn't the best judge of my tone lately.
I continued without missing a beat. "I'm not feeling very good and I don't want to sit on anyone's lap. Sometimes I get carsick and sitting in the backseat only makes it worse." I hoped that was enough to squash any questions.
Cain was still looking at my hand on his arm. He cleared his throat before looking up at me. "Uh, sure. I'll just ask Trinity to sit with Tyler, they seem on again this weekend."
"Really?" I tried to smile at him. "Thanks." I dropped my hand walked out of the room. That was the most I had spoken in the last day and a half, and it had made me even more tired, if that was possible.
It didn't matter. All that mattered was I sat as far away from Jax as possible.
It took half an hour to get everyone loaded into the car. No one had questioned much why I was sitting in the front seat, thankfully. Only Olivia shot me dirty look she shot me as I climbed in, everyone seemed oblivious. Besides Jax, because if looks could kill, I'd be dead. After Carter's hug before we parted ways, since his mom had dropped off supplies, I could feel the waves of anger coming off him. I tried to ignore it as best I could, keeping my gaze straight ahead. There was another reason I was so excited to leave, I could finally sleep without the fear of someone sneaking up on me. So I propped my bag up against the door, and instantly fell asleep.
"Seren, we're here." A voice had crept into my dream, where I was floating flat on my back in the middle of the ocean. I didn't want to listen to the voice, I wanted to sleep more. It was peaceful here.
The peace stopped when I felt someone's hands on my body. I jerked awake, pushing myself as far away from the touch as possible. My elbow hit the car door and I hissed in pain, blinking rapidly as I tried to ease back into reality.
"It's just me." It was Zane who had touched me. He was staring at me with a worried look on his face. I glanced around at my surroundings, remembering where I was. The car was empty, besides the two of us.
"I dropped everyone else off first, figured you could use the sleep." Zane explained quickly.
"Thanks." I gave my head a quick shake in hopes of clearing it, and reached out to open the door. Just as my hand landed on the handle, Zane spoke again.
"I meant what I said yesterday. I'm a good listener, if you ever need one. No questions asked." He said. He sounded sincere. I didn't believe him.
"Bye." I mumbled as I exited the car, closing the door and not looking back.
I don't know why Zane was acting like this. We weren't friends. We weren't going to be friends. I didn't want him to be my friend. I didn't need him. I didn't need anyone pretending to listen to my problems. Why did he care about them?
I heard Zane's car leave my driveway as I reached my front door. Since today was Sunday, the odds were that my dad was home. The last thing I needed was him asking questions, so I needed to compose myself. Everything is fine, I repeated in my head like mantra. The weekend was fine. We all had fun. We went boating. We had a barbecue. We roasted marshmallows. Everything is fine.
Everything is fine.
"How was last night, Seren? How was Carter?"
What the fuck was Jax doing here?
I tried to calm my heart beat as I fumbled my keys in my hands, attempting to unlock my front door as quickly as possible. I thought about knocking, or ringing the doorbell, or even just yelling, but I knew it would only lead to questions from my dad. My dad could never find out. No one could.
Jax grabbed my hand, stopping my attempts in place.
"Don't touch me." I spat at him.
"Oh, so you do speak. I thought you'd lost the ability."
"Let go." I told him, but he only tightened his grip on my hand.
"Did you have fun in Carter's room last night? I tried to pay you a visit, imagine my surprise when I found your room empty." Jax hummed out, like he was talking about something as casual as the weather. "I thought you were just mad at me. I didn't expect you to jump into bed with him. I guess I shouldn't expect anything less, it is you after all."
My eyes were stuck on the door knob, my key half way inserted. His touch felt like ice.
"I thought I told you not to talk to him, but you were never one to listen. Especially when you get a couple drinks in you. So I've come to remind you. Cut it off."
"Or what?" I challenged him.
"Or I'll let him know that I fucked you the night before you crawled into his bed. You might be hot, Seren, but no one wants sloppy seconds."
My eyes were watering at his words. A tear was threatening to escape from one of them, but I was determined not to let him know he was affecting me.
Jax suddenly moved closer to me, his spare hand cupped my cheek. "I know why you're mad at me, babe. I know you wanted our first time to be special. But you made me do it. You did this. Especially after seeing you in that bikini. Maybe you should cover up next time."
I jerked my head away from him, to which he only laughed. Suddenly, the door flew open.
"I thought I heard voices out here." My dad chirped out, looking between Jax and I with a smile on his face.
"Hi sir. I was just returning Seren's phone. She forgot it in the car and I grabbed it for her." Jax said smoothly, effortlessly like he was telling nothing but the truth. I watched as he pulled my phone out from his pocket, a grin on his face.
Fuck. I hadn't even thought of my phone since yesterday.
I quickly grabbed it from his hand, rapidly trying to blink the tears in my eyes away.
"Seren, are you okay?" My dad seemed to finally notice my distress.
"Yeah." I said quickly, turning my head and swiping the tear that had managed to fall. "I was just worried about my phone. I know how mad you would be if I lost it."
I moved passed Jax and my dad, trying to escape the situation as quickly as possible.
"Seren." My dads voice caught me before I had the chance to run up the stairs. "Aren't you going to thank Jax for returning your phone?"
It took every muscle in my body to prevent myself from losing it right then and there. But I couldn't let myself. I wouldn't.
So I turned to the monster at my doorstep. "Thank you." I gritted out.