"You really didn't have to come all this way," Taylor said to Patrick as he headed to the door. "But nonetheless, I couldn't have done this without you. In saying that - please don't tell Joe."
"Of course not - that's your news. And you know that I'm only one call away," he smiled. "It's exciting. Are you excited?"
Taylor didn't even really know how to answer that question, because it felt as if she hadn't even had time to process it all yet. So, she nodded with a smile. She didn't know how to tell Joe. Her phone had been buzzing continuously for the last twenty minutes, asking how things were going. Taylor had made sure that she didn't give anything away. It wasn't the sort of thing that you can just tell someone through a text message - and she was scared.
"Thanks for coming," she sighed as she pulled Patrick into her. "It's only another few weeks and we'll be seeing each other again," she grinned. "So it's not too long."
The longest they'd ever gone without seeing each other was a month - because they'd both been busy with their lives. But in a few short weeks - they would all be going over to the lakes, where they'd spend Thea's holidays at their Lake house. Taylor was looking forward to it. Thea was too - and Taylor had noticed that as the school term was dragging on, Thea was getting more and more tired. Taylor was tired too, and she waved at Patrick as he got into his car.
She'd been biting her lip again. Hard. It was a habit that she wished she could avoid, a habit that she wished would go away. It hurt, and she was so sick of having to remind herself not to do it. The amount of lip balm that she'd had to put on at the moment was ridiculous.
She paced around the house. She could see that Joe and Thea were about fifteen minutes away in Find My Friends, and her stomach felt as if it was going to rebel against the stress she'd been under. She still hadn't replied to Joe's messages - she didn't know what to say. She knew that he'd freak out when she told him... and she didn't know what to say. She supposed that she'd have to wait either until Thea was busy playing, or until she was in bed completely.
She sat on the couch. Fifteen minutes alone. She could do this. They were going to have to get used to saying babies and they'd have to buy two of everything. Two babies? A part of her was excited, and she smiled.
Sarah had spent a long time discussing the extra precautions they'd have to take because of that - and there was a huge part of Taylor that knew Joe would take these precautions to the extreme. She also knew that he'd been worried about her... and she knew that this news was just going to make his worry worse.
She sighed, taking in the last few moments of silence she'd get before Thea arrived. It was so strange to be away from her - she hated being apart from her family, but knew that Thea would have to get used to it eventually. Eventually Taylor would have to do another tour - and Thea would be in school and wouldn't be able to attend every place with her. Thea would hate that, of course... but that was how it had to be. Taylor had toured most of her previous albums - but Thea was younger then. She was young enough to travel with them, and young enough to be occupied in the hotel room. But now she was older, and it wasn't so easy to keep her entertained. Joe used to be able to play with her while Taylor was performing - and complete the bedtime routine without Taylor... but now it was more complicated. Thea was at school - meaning that they couldn't always just flee to another house. That was taking some getting used to, and if Taylor was honest, she didn't know if she'd ever get used to it. Her life had been about travel and touring the world for so many years now that it had been such a change to have that pressure taken off of her. She'd decided quickly, after having Thea, that once she was old enough to understand... once she was old enough that travelling would disrupt her too much... that the tours would stop. The performing wouldn't- but the consecutive nights of performing would. She tried to perform little concerts wherever she went, so that they didn't have to completely change everything.
She anxiously checked her phone again and saw that Joe had texted to say that they were pulling up the drive now - and her heart skipped a beat. How do you even tell someone this kind of news? How does it come up? She stood up and walked over to the door. She'd missed them so much that she actually worried she might cry at the sight of them. It made sense to her, in that moment, why things had been feeling so different to how it had been with Thea. That's because things were different.
The car pulled up the drive, and Joe was so excited to see Taylor. He'd been worried about her the entire time she'd been away. Right from the second she'd walked out the door, to the moment he laid eyes on her as he got out of the car. It didn't help that Taylor hadn't really texted him back about anything - and when he'd texted Patrick... he just sent back a few emoji. So he was a little frustrated at that - because he'd been so anxious.
"Mommy!" Thea shrieked as Joe opened the door. It was nearly six thirty, and he pretty much knew that he wouldn't get any time to talk to Taylor until Thea was asleep. Joe helped Thea out of the car, and she went racing into Taylor's arms. Taylor was crouched down on the doorstep, hugging her closely.
"How are you? How was school? Did you have a good day? Did you remember to tell Mrs Green about-"
"Of course I did! Daddy wrote a note." Thea murmured into Taylor's shoulder, and Joe finally caught Taylor's attention long enough that he could finally look her in the eye. Joe looked away first. He went to the car, pulling Olivia, Meredith and Benji from the back seat. All three of them were ready to go inside and run free for a while.
Thea went racing inside to go and see her bedroom, and the toys she'd left behind. Finally, Joe and Taylor were alone in the entranceway. He let the cats out, and they all went running off in different directions. Benji went upstairs after Thea. Meredith ran into the study and Olivia went racing into the kitchen.
"Are you alright?" Joe asked Taylor softly. She wasn't herself - he knew that already. Taylor never took her time responding to messages. She always responded to them as soon as she saw them - and he knew she would have been glued to her phone the entire day. She would have been worried about Thea... he knew that. Which meant that her lack of response was intentional.
She nodded with a smile. "Everything's fine. Did Thea remember to bring Elsie?" Taylor asked, and Joe sighed. They'd finally been getting somewhere with Taylor communicating how she was feeling... but today was different. She was reserved in a way that Joe wasn't expecting.
"Is the baby okay?" Joe asked before answering her question. Once again, Taylor nodded, but was interrupted by Thea, who came bouncing down the stairs.
"Mermaids! Let's go and see them!" She asked, pulling Joe's hand to get him to take her. "Daddyyyy! Let's go!"
"I've got to help Mommy make dinner," Joe started, but Taylor shook her head.
"I've made dinner already - it's pretty much ready to go. It's alright."
Joe stared at her for a short moment. She wouldn't meet his eyes.
"I'll tell you what," Joe crouched down in front of Thea. "You go and get out of your school uniform, and then we can go and see the mermaids."
"But-"
"Nope. You can't go in your uniform." Joe said as she argued, and Thea sighed dramatically, but went upstairs anyway.
"Taylor," Joe murmured softly, taking a couple of steps closer to her. "Are you okay?"
"Fine," she smiled. He wished he knew why she insisted on faking a smile. He wished that she would just tell him whatever was worrying her. "Everything's fine." She leaned up and kissed him, before going to the kitchen.
Joe sighed, running his hands through his hair.
Taylor was biting her lip as she finished cooking dinner. She was tired of her lip hurting so much from biting it all the time, but she couldn't help it. It was just something she did now. She didn't have the energy lately to stop herself.
Joe was out with Thea, and she sighed. She didn't even feel like eating today. She'd barely eaten anything today as it was, and she knew that Joe would notice if she didn't eat anything. But the thought of food made her feel sick. She didn't want to eat. But a voice in her head told her that it wasn't because she was pregnant. It was that mean, horrible voice that told her to stop eating. She fucking hated that voice, but she was tired and today she couldn't stop it.
"Taylor-" a voice said her name sharply, and for a single, bitter moment... she could have sworn it was Adam. That was when she felt the pain - and realised what she'd been doing. Subconsciously, she'd rested her hand on the hot stove, and was so busy thinking about the thoughts in her head that she'd never realised. Joe was there, pulling her hand away, rushing her to the cold water.
She was ashamed to admit that the pain felt good. She'd not hurt herself that badly in years. She relished the searing pain that killed the thoughts. That burning sensation brought relief. Hushed the thoughts racing inside her head.
"What were you thinking?" Joe hissed, and Taylor flinched at the coldness in his voice. Her heart skipped a beat - because this was too familiar. "What's going on?" He asked her, resting a hand on her back. This was something that usually didn't bother her, something that she usually wouldn't think twice about... but today... she couldn't. The feel of his hand, the pressure on her back. His voice, that usually wouldn't bother her, was just too much.
The sting of the burn wasn't enough to numb those thoughts.
Taylor pulled away from the sink, her mind seemingly blurry from it all. It just felt like she was back there. In that fucking New York apartment with tragedy streaked across the walls.
She felt herself withdraw from the situation as she slipped up the stairs. The burn wouldn't take away that pain.
She didn't... couldn't even hear if Joe had followed her. She couldn't even let herself cry. She didn't feel like crying. She just felt the cold numbness spreading and obliterating everything in her body. She hadn't felt that numb in months... but today, tonight... her blood ran cold. All she wanted to do was hurt herself. Perhaps she'd known, deep down, that she had her hand on the stove.
"M-mommy?" She heard a voice out of the darkness, and her body knew to smile. To pretend that she wasn't falling apart into a mess of broken pieces. That's what Mom's do.
Taylor's body was moving on its own, she was barely able to concentrate. But she just knew that she couldn't let Thea see that pain. See how much she was hurting.
"Can I help you, Theabear?" Taylor asked as she kissed her cheek.
Thea shook her head. "Mommy's hurting."
Taylor felt another part of her crack. "I'm okay. Mommy just did something silly, so her hands a little sore."
"Not just that," Thea cupped Taylor's cheeks, and Taylor began to worry that she would truly fall apart. "On the inside, too. Mrs Green told us that it's important to talk to a grown up when we're sad. You're sad, Mommy. Do you need to talk to a grown up?" Taylor had her jaw clenched so tightly that she wasn't even sure she was breathing.
"Mommy is hurting a little on the inside too," Taylor admitted. "But it's alright. Mommy just has to hold her hand under the cold water for a little bit, and then everything will be okay."
Thea went running into her room, and came back with something cupped in her hand.
"Mommy," she whispered. "This is a special rock that Mrs Green gave us and she said that we can tell it about our feelings and we'll feel so much better! It's my secret rock and you can't tell daddy, but I want you to have it."
Taylor was doing everything she could not to cry. Because she wanted to. Oh so badly. She wanted to pull Thea into her... to remind herself of the good times. But she couldn't do that. Thea couldn't feel or see this sort of pain.
"You can feel better too, Mommy." Thea pressed the little rock into Taylor's hand. Taylor really feared that she'd shatter into a billion mirrorball pieces, a dazzling haze of all of her broken pieces. "You have to whisper into it and then you kiss it really specially and then it works it's magic," Thea whispered softly. "Then it'll be better. I promise, Mommy."
Taylor leaned forward and pressed her lips to Thea's forehead. She didn't deserve her - but Taylor was in the headspace where she didn't think that she deserved anyone.
Thea skipped out of the room, and Taylor watched her as she hopped down the stairs. Her eyes stung with tears. She couldn't believe how grown up Thea was becoming already. Taylor, still holding the little stone in her hand, walked softly to the bathroom. It was the most frustrating feeling. She wanted help, wanted to talk about all of the things running wild in her head... but she couldn't. And that was so frustrating.
She kept a little journal in the cupboard, and pulled it out with a pen. She stood with her hand under the cold water, the other hand beginning to a scribble down words. Fuck, she couldn't even think about the words before they were on the page.
Stars fell
Upon my head
A kaleidoscope of different colours
Exploding and bursting above me
As I watch
The eternal glow of magic
Beating forevermore
But I'd become blind to it
The gold dust of all those illusions
Within these mundane
Obsidian walls in my mind
Invisible through the eyes of others
No one would dare touch them but me
Well, the cold leaves me no such choice
I suppose that it's my head
And it's got to be me
The one that handles that darkness
But sometimes it's exhausting
Fighting hand on hand
Tugging and pulling for the light
Holding up the sun in the sky
I am Icarus
I'm flying too close to the sun
And now I'm tumbling
Thrashing through the sky
As it flies further and further from my grasp
Begging for it to remain there forever
But it's too heavy and the dark nights are
Becoming too long and it's no use
Trying to escape it
Sometimes it's easier to let it consume
Everything you are
A blazing fire under a cloak of darkness
Something on a rampage
Burning bright
Embers flaring
Yet I am stone cold
Ice, brittle bones and fingers that
Crack with a single touch
On my knees
Eyes to the sky at the forbidden lake
The water ripples and spins into a waltz
But my heart no longer wants to sing
Yet it continues to dance in the silence
That was the image
Painted across my eyes with lilac dust
Flecks of the person
Who these reckless bones once belonged to
That woman is gone
Wading into the dark waters that
Only spelled out pain in black cursive
Across her cheeks
I can't recognise me
And the girl I was when I was
Wearing that sequin dress
Bleached hair and false smiles
Who was she and what pushed her?
Was her disappearance all at the hands of me?
Does she remember the way I used to haunt her
Lips stained with the taste of him
Skin still bruised without colour
The way I can still feel his hand
Around my throat
The ache of an arm that was supposed to never be
Hurt in the first place
Does she still feel that pain
The eternal winter with frost bitten lips
For the pogonip inks across her pale cheeks
The haze of the lover that started it all
Still a frozen glacier in her hollow mind
She once burned bright as she
Streaked across the sky
A glimpse of something rare
But he left her in a mess of frozen ashes
Lingering with every step he dared to take
She stepped onto the frigid glass water
The ghost of the girl she used to be
Still sat at the lakeside
Her eyes streaked the tears of a hurricane
She could see it swirling in her eyes
That rage
Perhaps that fire inside her hadn't died entirely
Anger towards the man who took an axe to her
Heart, soul and everything in between
Until there was nothing but a
Mosaic mess of her disintegrating pieces
The magic drained from her life
The glitter a mess on the floor
She'd once imagined her name to be
Spelt out in the stuff speckled
Across the sky
Now her dreams lay blowing about
Like autumn leaves in the middle of a New York fall
For it's finally reached that point
Where she's so far gone
That she has no choice but
To arrive here at that frozen field
Where Jack Frost has touched
Everything near and far as her eye can see
The shadowy land that breathed nothing but doom
And destruction into her lungs
Her lungs that had become so heavy with the weight of it all
Where monsters roam
That will fight her to death and win
They're keeping score to see how long it takes
How much pressure she can carry
On her shoulders
Before she cracks one too many times
And there's no one there to put her back together
Because they've all up and left her stranded
Because she's reached that point
And she's got nothing more to give
She knows her name
It's the only thing left of the person she was
She's waded to too far and can't even look back
The point where she doesn't even know who she is
Anymore or why she kept fighting in the first place
The point where it's become too heavy
The point where all she's doing is trying to stay afloat
Where she's tired of holding onto her life
But all that darkness is weighing her down
And she's fucking annoyed at herself
Because everyone's just trying to help
But it's suffocating
Their kindness
Is slowly burning her alive
It's -
"Love," Taylor almost jumped out of her skin when she heard Joe knocking on the door. "Can I come in?" She already knew that Joe would be expecting to come in here to find her hurting herself... well, she'd already done that.
"Yes," Taylor murmured. She still had so much to talk to him about... and she didn't even know where to start. The door opened, and Joe peeked his head around the door.
"Thea's in bed," he told her as he stood with the door closed. He didn't try to come over to her.
"Is it that late already?" Taylor asked, before looking out the window. Sure enough, darkness was falling.
"You've been up here for a while," Joe told her softly. There was no judgement in his voice. "Do I get to find out how the appointment went today?" He asked her, and Taylor felt herself begin to feel sick. "Or do I have to get that information out of Patrick?"
Taylor could hear that she'd clearly hurt his feelings. She could hear the way his voice wavered a little, the way that he watched her without smiling.
Taylor opened her mouth to say something, but no words fell from her lips.
"Taylor... I really want to try and help you." Her heart cracked further when she heard those words come out of his mouth. Because she wanted to talk to him. She wanted to open her mouth and the words fall from her lips like the leaves of a thousand willow trees. "But my love, you've got to let me in. Just a little bit." His voice was soft, but she still felt frozen.
Taylor turned away from him, closing her eyes. It was the most infuriating thing - not being able to say the words that were in your head. She wanted to fucking scream them from the rooftop, but her lips fell silent. Words had always been her thing, but lately, they'd betrayed her. Over and over again.
"Taylor, please talk to me. I don't know what else I can do to help you." Joe sounded desperate. And it killed her to hear him sound like that.
But her lips wouldn't open. It was as if she was Ariel, as if her voice had been stolen from her.
She heard him sigh. She knew that he was disappointed in her - hell, she was fucking disappointed with herself. Sometimes there wasn't a single other person on the planet that she hated more than herself.
"Sometimes..." Joe started, and Taylor turned to glance at him. "It feels like there's oceans between us, Taylor."
The words cut deeper than any words she'd ever heard before. More than any words her father had said to her, more than anything else she had ever experienced.
"I'm sorry," she cried out, the words bursting from her. "I'm sorry that you feel like that."
"I just want to help." Joe spoke, his voice raised. She knew where this would lead, and the fact that her heart was racing in her chest told her everything she needed to know. This was going to end in a panic attack. "But you won't let me. And if you can't speak to me about these things anymore... that's okay! But I just... you need to talk to someone about it." Taylor turned to face him, before walking past him. They couldn't have this conversation here. She walked down the stairs and the two of them stood in the kitchen. "Taylor, stop. You need to get some of those thoughts out of your head! Did you realise that you'd put your hand on the stove? You can't be in that much pain... it's not good for-"
"You don't know what it's like." Taylor spoke through gritted teeth.
"No, love. Of course I don't know what it's like. Because you don't-"
"I try so hard to talk about it, Joe. I do." She knew that she needed to stop talking... knew that she didn't want to be saying these things. "But you haven't been through what I did, and there is stuff that happened to me that I won't ever tell you." Taylor cried out, tears burning her eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that-"
"Taylor, stop." Joe took a step towards her, but she held out a hand.
"No." Joe fell back a few paces, and Taylor turned to stare out the window, tears still falling.
"Will you at least just tell me how the appointment was?" Joe's voice cracked, and if Taylor were to turn to face him, she was sure he would be crying. She closed her eyes. She'd fucked up this time. She'd taken things too far and now she'd hurt Joe's feelings even more.
"It's twins." She whispered, unsure if he was even able to hear a word of what she said.
She heard Joe sigh, and heard him slip from the room.
She slammed her hand down on the counter, fucking annoyed at herself. How could she be so fucking stupid? Why would she say these things? She'd fucked up last pregnancy and here she was, ruining it all again.
She winced at the pain of her hand, before going outside. She was so fucking angry with herself. They'd never really been in an argument before. The two of them had never... and Taylor couldn't even comprehend it.
She bit her lip as she went to lie down on the grass. She felt sick. She'd fucked up... and now she didn't know what to do.
She pulled her phone out of her pocket, and for a moment, she thought she'd phone her Mom. But she let her phone fall to the grass. She couldn't even see the stars - the clouds were hiding them. Perhaps that was for the better.
She sat up. She couldn't leave things like this.
She stood up, and felt the world spin slightly. She'd barely eaten anything... and the effects of that decision were becoming clear. She had to stand with her head in her hands for a little while before she trusted that her legs wouldn't give up on her.
A part of Taylor was surprised when she walked inside and couldn't hear the piano. That's where she'd assumed he'd be, because he always went to the piano when he was hurt.
Taylor finally found him sitting on their bedroom balcony. She took a deep breath before opening the door.
He glanced up at her, and she could tell that he'd been crying.
"I'm sorry," Taylor murmured as she sat down beside him. "I'm sorry that I've put oceans between us. It's never supposed to feel like that."
"It's more dangerous," Joe told her as he wiped his cheeks, clearing his throat and sitting up. "Having twins."
Taylor sighed. She was about to talk, but Joe continued talking.
"There's a sixty percent chance that they'll be born premature."
"Joe-"
"There's a lot more that can go wrong. You'll have to make sure that you take it easy and don't-"
"Joe." Taylor turned to face him, cupping his cheeks. "You don't need to wrap me in a bubble. It's going to be okay."
"Maybe I do." He told her, and the tone of his voice made Taylor withdraw her hands. "If I hadn't been there, you'd never have realised your hand was on the stove."
"It's not that serious," Taylor whispered.
"Taylor - it is getting to the point where it's pretty serious." Joe looked up at her, his Atlantis eyes completely calm. "It's getting to the stage where you can't cope with it anymore."
Taylor was about to defend herself, but stopped.
"And you're not looking after yourself. When you're not looking after yourself, I have to try. It's okay if my help isn't enough. But lately it's just... I feel like we just started to get somewhere and now we're just back to square one."
Taylor sighed, resting her head in her hand. She should have eaten something before coming up here. There are so many things that she should have done differently.
"I'm trying," Taylor bit her lip to stop the tears from falling.
"I can see that, believe me. I can truly see how much you're fighting." Joe told her softly. "You've never done anything for yourself. You always do things for others, love. And now... you've got two babies to be thinking of. I know that you don't want to eat, but you have to. It's even more important now than ever."
Taylor didn't like that pressure. She felt herself begin to withdraw again.
"I'm always here for you, my love. And I want to help you. I really want to see you smile and know that you mean it. There's no one in the world that wants to see that sparkle in your eyes more than me."
"You're just listening to me saying the same fucking words over and over again." Taylor snapped. "What I told you hasn't changed. It still feels like that."
Joe sighed, and the silence hung in the air. "I'll listen to you saying it over and over and over again if it means that you feel better. Fuck, Taylor... you know that I would stay up until four in the morning every night talking about it with you if that's what you need. Have you forgotten that? What I would do for you? You just have to ask for my help, and I will give everything I can." Joe took her hand, and Taylor felt herself go cold. The way he'd said her name... the way he'd said it sounded too much like Adam. "I'll do anything I can to help you, my love. You used to know that."
"Of course I still know that," Taylor cried out. "And of course I would do the same for you! I would walk to the end of the earth for you and even further if that's what you needed from me. I just wish that I could fucking forget what he did. I fucking wish that I could forget the person he turned me into. I fucking wish that there was a place on earth... a place I could go to which would be far enough away for me to forget. But no place like that exists. I wish that... I don't know why it's hard. It's not always been this hard. And I just fucking hate that this is all my fault. Once again I have ruined it, Joe. It seems to be all I'm good at in these situations. I'm sorry that I've been distant. I'm sorry that I've been fucking stupid. I wish I could take it all back. And I fucking wish, more than anything else in the entire world, that I'd walked out of that room with you that night. I wish that I'd gotten to know that warm heart, the way your feet are always ice cold, the way you play piano. I could've known all of that so much sooner if I'd gone up to you. If I'd been drunk enough to make a comment about your accent... if I'd been confident enough to ask you... if I'd done all of those things. I could've saved myself so much pain. There's not a fucking day that goes by where I don't think about all the things I would've done differently."
Joe turned to face her, cupping her cheeks.
"Taylor, my love. Without your past, you never could have arrived - so wondrously and brutally, by design or some violent, exquisite happenstance... here."
Taylor felt warmth in her cold bones as she smiled at his words. His words which echoed those of a poem she'd written a long time ago. His words which, as they do often did, breathed fragments of light onto those fractured glass pieces. His light danced off all of her mirrorball pieces, reflecting and creating beams of light.
A place in which the darkness was not so desolate and lonely anymore.