It's been an exhausting day. I practically collapse onto my bed and let out a deep sigh. I pull the covers up over me and snuggle into the bedding. My aching muscles after today's training session have been begging for the comfort of my bed this whole time.
I close my eyes and try to allow my mind to rest. I've been feeling all stressed and anxious ever since that phone call with Steve. Usually I would immediately turn to Wanda for reassurance however I know that telling her about Bucky being missing would only stress her out. She's lost so many people already. I can't tell her this. Not until I know for definite what's going on. I want to be able to sit her down and tell her all the information but I can't do that right now. Everything is very uncertain and I know that will only panic her.
It's killing me having to keep this from her. Especially as she's like my comfort blanket. She's who I typically go to for support when I feel like this.
I feel myself drifting off to sleep and allow my body to completely relax.
That's when the nightmare begins.
I feel my heart stop as I see everyone gathered around my brother. My axe falls to the ground with a thud as I feel my body go numb. I slowly walk forward. The crowd moves aside to let me through. I can feel eyes on me but all I care about is getting over to Tony before it's too late.
My legs feel weak as I take a few steps forward. A lump forms in my throat as my eyes finally lay on my brother. Pepper is crouched beside him, tears streaming down her face.
I freeze. I cant force my feet to move forward. As much I try, I am frozen to the spot. Unable to breath, unable to move. Just staring down at my brother in his last few moments.
Pepper spots me standing there and slowly looks up. Her eyes full of tears, she holds her hand out to me. I hardly know what to do.
"Andi" Pepper calls out through sobs.
This seems to be what pulls me back to reality. I slowly reach out and take her hand as she leads me towards him.
My mind takes over my body as I feel myself crouching down beside him. I reach a hand out to take his own. I'm taken aback by how cold his hands are. I take his hand between my own and hold it tight.
It takes a lot of courage to look up into his eyes. That's when it all finally feels real. Seeing the defeated look in his eyes tells me that this is it. "Oh god" I mutter through sobs.
I feel the tears pouring down my cheeks as I bring his hand up to my chest. Holding it tightly over my heart. "You mustn't leave me" I whisper breathlessly.
A hand comes to rest on my shoulder and I look up at Pepper through teary eyes.
"It's time Sweetie" she says gently. I shake my head. It can't be.
"This can't be it. His eyes are open. He's still breathing" I beg. I turn away from Pepper and look down at Tony. His hand is now limp within my own. I let out a heavy sob and bury my head in my hands. This can't just be it.
I feel some hands lightly shaking me awake. "Andi, Andi wake up. Shhhh it's okay. It's just me" Wanda whispers.
I don't realise how much the nightmare had affected me until I felt the wetness on my cheeks. I'm crying.
"I can't believe he's gone" I whisper. Wanda frowns and pulls me tightly into her arms. I sob into her shoulder. Holding her tightly between my arms.
"Shhh Andi, it's okay" she tries to soothe me. There's been so many nights like this. Waking up in sweats from the nightmares, tears streaming down my face and Wanda comforting me back to sleep.
I've been having reoccurring dreams like this since the day he passed. They're the worst kind of dreams. Having to relive the moment you felt your brother slip through your fingers will always be a nightmare. Except it's worse than that as it's also a memory. A real thing I experienced that I have to continue experiencing within my dreams. A time when you should feel safe and relaxed.
My sobs eventually begin to calm. Wanda continues rubbing comforting circles on my back as I rest my head upon her shoulder. I take a deep breath.
"I'm so sorry" I whisper. I know that this isn't easy for her. Having to wake up to my screams can never be easy. No amount of words will ever be able to explain how thankful I am for her.
"You always apologise, and I always say the same thing, don't" she tells me.
"It always feels so real" I tell her. "It's like I'm living it all over again"
"I had the same thing after Pietro died" she tells me. "It'll get easier Andi. I promise"
I finally pull away from her and wipe the tears away from my eyes. I start to giggle as I see the wet patch I have left on her shoulder. "Sorry" I laugh.
She rolls her eyes and smiles up at me. "Isn't the first time and certainly won't be the last" she smiles.
I smile back at her. It feels good to know that I have someone around me that is willing to be my support system right now. She's exactly what I need to keep me so grounded.
Silence eventually falls between us. Wanda shuffles around so her back is against the headboard. "Are you okay?" She whispers.
I look up at her. Ignoring her question, I ask "Will you stay with me?" I ask.
All she does is nod her head.
I eventually get settled under the covers again. This time with Wanda by my side. Wanda turns to face me as I stare up at the ceiling.
"I'm so scared" I whisper.
"Of what?"
"We've lost so many already. I don't know if can handle losing anyone else. It'll break me"
It feels like a weakness to finally admit to someone how broken I am feeling right now. I feel Wanda reach out and take a hold of my hand. She gives it a tight squeeze.
"I don't plan on going anywhere without a fight" she tells me.
I smile to myself.
"I think I'm going to tell Steve how I feel" I blurt out. Wanda goes silent and looks over at me in shock.
"You are?"
I nod my head. "Life is too short for us to keep things like this to ourselves. Why wait? Like this could be the best thing that ever happens to us but we're too afraid to be honest with each other. I just need to bite the bullet and take that step"
Wanda smiles brightly. "I've been waiting for you to figure that out"
"Took me long enough" I laugh.
She nods her head and laughs. "Like how long has it been now? You kissed for the first time like 4 years ago. You guys should be at least dating by now. You kiss, you argue like you've been married for three years, you blush like crazy around him, but somehow that's not enough to prove to you both that this is meant to be. It's obvious that there's a connection there but you're both too afraid to make the first move"
"I feel like it's taken Tony dying for me to realise just how much I need Steve around. I can't waste any more opportunities" I tell her.
"So you're going to tell him how you feel?"
I nod my head. "When?" She asks.
"I haven't worked that out yet" I laugh. "But I don't want to do it whilst I'm still living here. I want to be back at headquarters first. I need to prioritise myself before I try and fix things with Steve. I don't feel ready to tell him yet"
"That's understandable" she tells me. "Just take your time. There's no rush"
I smile. "So what about you and Bucky? How do you feel?" I ask. I try not to let the guilt rush over me as I think about the current situation with Bucky. I chose to try and act normal.
Wanda sighs. "It's so difficult. Like there's this crazy connection between us. Like every time he walks into a room my eyes are automatically drawn to him. I can't help but stare. I just feel so guilty all the time. Like I shouldn't even be considering things with Bucky whilst I'm still trying to grieve Vision."
"You could be grieving Vision for the rest of your life" I tell her. She frowns. "There's no time frame on things like this. If you don't allow yourself to move forward and be happy then you will always be so consumed by grief. You need to allow yourself to be happy. And if that means trying things with Bucky, then that's what you do. I've seen the way you look at him. That's not just a coincidence Wanda, you like him"
"But I shouldn't"
"Your happiness is important too Wanda. You need to remember that"
"I know that. It's just so difficult. Like every time I feel myself allowing Bucky to get close to me, I just picture Vision and how hurt he would be."
"Vision loved you, he would want you to be happy. I know he would" I give her hand another squeeze.
"So you think I should go for it?" She asks.
I look over at her and smile. "I think you should do what makes you happy. And I can see that Bucky makes you happy"
"He does" she smiles. "I get butterflies as soon as I see him. There's something about him. I can't explain it"
"It's the super soldier thing" I say with a wink.
"It really is" she laughs.
I pick my phone up off the bedside table and look over at the time. It's almost 4am. I groan and place my phone back on the side.
I roll over so I'm facing Wanda and I snuggle down into the pillow. "It's so late" I groan.
"We're gonna be tired tomorrow" she laughs and also gets comfortable.
I eventually feel myself falling asleep. Finally comforted by the fact that I'm not alone. It soothes my mind from all the nightmares.