*one day later*
I knock on his door and wait for a reply. His voice sounds quietly from the other side of the door. "Come in"
I push the door open and step into the room. Closing the door behind me. "Hey" I say softly.
"Hi" he pats the empty space on the bed beside him and I walk over. I take a seat and turn to face him.
"We should probably talk" I suggest.
He looks down at his hands which are resting in his lap. He's fidgeting, uncomfortable almost.
"Is everything okay?" I ask. Steve looks up and I can immediately tell that something is wrong.
"I'm not so sure this is a good idea anymore" he says slowly. The second those words leave his mouth, it's like someone just ripped out my heart. I take a deep breath and nod my head.
"I should have seen this coming" I mutter.
He shakes his head and sighs. "I never meant to hurt you Andi. You have to know that"
"I'm just confused. Why the sudden change? Things have been so great between us"
"That's just it. Things have been great but I now realise how irresponsible we are being" he adds.
"Irresponsible?"
"We're supposed to be a team Andi. If this turns into something more serious then we risk the lives of everyone around us. Suddenly it's no longer a teammate that I have to look out for, it's my girlfriend. I can't concentrate when you're around me. I'm too focused on making sure you're safe. I can't do my job properly when you're inside my head. This can't continue"
I can feel the tears begin to prick at my eyes. This cannot be happening. Doesn't he realise how untimely this is? My brothers funeral was 4 days ago and now he's breaking up with me. What's with that?
"So you really think that ending this now is the right thing?" I ask. He nods. "This doesn't change any feelings Steve. You're just delaying the inevitable"
"I'm not. I'm putting a stop to all this right now. No feelings, no drama. This can't happen"
I laugh. Which is something no sane person should do in this situation. However we all know by now that my sanity is somewhat questionable.
"This has got to be a joke"
"I'm serious Andi. I'm so sorry. I never wanted to lead you on"
"Lead me on? You're the one that allowed me to catch feelings for you. You were there for me. You held me whilst I cried. You've been by my side for years now. Both as a friend and something more. I just don't understand how you can only now realise how fucked up this all is"
"I'm sorry" he mutters.
"No" I snap. "You know what, you don't get to be sorry. You caused this Steve. This ones on you"
I stand from the bed and go to leave the room. "Andi please don't leave like this"
"I can't be around you right now" I tell him. I can feel my walls beginning to crumble as I hear him get off the bed and come to follow me.
"Please Steve" I sigh. My back still facing him as I take deep breaths. Trying to keep my emotions in check.
"I never meant to hurt you Andi. I'm just trying to do the right thing"
I turn around so fast that he steps back in shock. My eyes bore into his as I stare up at him.
"That's bullshit and you know it. Relationships, however difficult they may be, always have solutions. We could have worked around the issues. Come up with some boundaries to make working together easier and safer for the both of us. Instead you take the cowardly way out and ditch before things get complicated. Screw you Steve" I mutter.
I turn back around and storm out of the room. Slamming the door behind me. I don't even take a moment to gather my thoughts as I begin running. I take off in the only direction I can think of and start heading for the stairs.
I run past Sam in the hall. He smiles up at me until he sees the tears on my face and the speed at which I'm running from the building. He goes to pull me to a stop as I run past but I manage to dodge his grip. I hear him call out to me but I ignore him and continue running. Desperate to get away from anything that makes me think of Steve.
I run all the way out of the security gate at the end of the drive and don't stop running until my body forces me to stop. I slow to a fast walk as I try my hardest to take deep breaths. I'm in a field. In a place I recognise as where Nat used to bring me for training exercises.
I stop walking and give myself a moment to take in my surroundings. I must have been running for ages. There's no sign of anyone else, just empty space.
I finally allow myself to process what just happened. I fall to the ground. This time not having Steve there to hold me up. I collapse into the grass and burst into tears.
I told myself years ago that I would never allow a man to hurt me like this. And never once did I imagine that that man would be Steve. I don't even have it in me to hate him. My feelings for him prevent that from happening. Instead I'm just full of so much sadness. It's over between us. It's really over.
I lie in the grass and close my eyes. Blocking out the sunlight. If only blocking out feelings could be as easy as blocking out the light.
Tony would be so angry right now. He warned me about this. Getting involved with someone you have to work with always complicates situations. I just never imagined that it would end up like this. Me sat in a field alone crying over a guy I wasn't even technically dating. We had just kissed a few times. Most of them I was drunk for.
That seemed to be the only time I had enough courage to actually lean in. We had never discussed what any of those kisses meant. We just allowed each moment we had together to make our relationship stronger. Or at least I thought we did. Apparently Steve was having doubts.
I wouldn't be able to tell you how long I had laid there for. I didn't realise how long it had been until I finally opened my eyes again. I was expecting to be met with an overwhelming brightness however all that surrounded me was darkness.
I'd been here for hours.
Time just seems to move differently when you're so overcome with pain. I slowly sit up. I felt so drained, so physically exhausted. The strength it took me to pull myself to my feet was astonishing. I let out a breath I didn't even realise I was holding and look around me. I know exactly where I am, however the idea of walking back to the compound doesn't seem very attractive right now.
It will take me a while to get back there. At least I think it will anyway. Instead of allowing myself to hide out any longer, I stretch out and begin the walk back. My eyes feel swollen from all the crying and I can feel a headache developing.
Everyone is probably so worried. I know Wanda will be. I hate myself for allowing her to worry about me. She's been through so much. She doesn't need me going M.I.A for hours. I didn't even have a chance to grab my phone. I was too desperate to get away from there. I don't even feel ready to go back but I know that I need to.
The walk takes about as long as I had expected. The compound comes into view and once again I get the sick feeling in my stomach. A figure is standing on the driveway. Their arms crossed and a worried look on their face. It's Clint.
Clint has always felt like a surrogate brother to me. He's taken care of me on many occasions. He's the kind of guy you can rely on to always have your back. No matter whats going on in his own life. He will always be there for me and I know it.
I slowly walk towards him. He spots me coming as I step onto the driveway. He waits for me to get closer before he starts walking towards me.
"Where have you been?" He asks sternly. I know he isn't actually angry. He's just worried. It makes me feel guilty, knowing that he has been so worried about me.
"I'm sorry. I just had to get away for a few hours. I couldn't think"
"Steve told me what happened. He was worried sick. We all were. Are you okay?" He asks gently. He reaches out to touch my arm and I pull away.
"Where's Wanda?" I ask. Ignoring what he had previously said.
"She and Bruce went looking for you around the woods. They should be back soon"
"I'm sorry for worrying you all" I tell him honestly.
"I know Andi. Just don't do shit like that. We can't lose you too"
I step forward and pull him into a hug. I rest my head upon his chest and tightly wrap my arms around him.
"Are you okay?" He asks protectively. "Do you need me to kick some ass?"
I laugh lightly. A smile forming on my face. "As much as I would love to say yes, I know it wouldn't be right. Steve is right. A relationship between us just wouldn't be right for the team"
"It's not about the team. None of us care if you're dating. We just want you to be happy" he strokes my hair and I smile.
"I know. And I thank you for that. I'll be okay though. I just need to move on"
"If you say so" I pull away and look into his eyes.
"I'll be okay Clint" I nod.
We hear hurried footsteps coming towards us as two figures appear at the edge of the forest. I recognise the small frame of Wanda as she speeds towards me.
"You fool" she howls. I have to try and hold back my laughter and she approaches. "You had me scares shitless. You freak"
That's all it takes for me to burst into laughter. "Oi. I'm not a freak, okay? I just needed some time on my own."
"And you couldn't tell me that? I've been panicking all afternoon. Steve's been going insane, Clint arranged a search party and me and Bucky have been walking the grounds ever since"
She slows to a walk as she comes closer. "I really am sorry. It was like I couldn't breath properly in there. The air got sucked right out of me or something"
"Shit. I'm sorry Andi. I'm being a jerk. Are you okay?" She asks gently. I force a smile and nod my head. She doesn't look convinced but instead of forcing the truth out of me, she pulls me into a tight hug.
"Do you need me to hex him?" She whispers into my ear. I chuckle.
"No. But thank you" I smile. I pull away from her and take a deep breath.
"I'm starving" I tell her and she laughs.
"I'll make you some food" she replies with a smile. I link my arm with hers as we start walking back inside. Clint and Bucky follow from a distance. Probably just making sure I don't make another run for it.
We make it all the way up to the kitchen before we come face to face with Steve. He looks just as exhausted as I probably do. His eyes look red and my heart skips a beat at the possibility that he's been crying.
"Andi?" He asks.
I ignore him and continue into the kitchen. Walking towards the counter and sitting down at one of the bar stools. Wanda walks over to the fridge and begins pulling out ingredients. I simply watch. I never was very good at cooking. Baking was more of my speciality. Which worked quite well actually as Wanda loved to cook but was never very successful when it came to cakes.
"Andi?" Steve asks again. I slowly turn on my stool to face him. I can feel Wanda's eyes on us both as she watches from behind me.
"Are you okay?" Steve asks.
"I'm fine" I reply harshly. "Not that it's any of your business"
He looks offended for a moment but manages to keep a straight face. "I really am sorry Andi. Please remember that"
I sigh. "Whatever Steve. What's done is done"
I turn around again to signal that the conversation is over. I wait until I hear is footsteps leaving the room before I let myself breath again.
"You okay?" Wanda asks nervously. I look up at her and roll my eyes.
"I can't wait for people to stop asking me that"
"Sorry. It's just a habit"
I nod and smile at her. "So what are you making?" I ask.
"Bacon and lentil pasta. It's one of your favourites" she says enthusiastically. I smile.
"It is indeed"