I had managed to entertain Kevin for a few days; we were getting on really well. He was even making Bindi laugh and Jesse liked him. We even had a lunch together and nothing was awkward about it. I couldn’t believe it; I started to think that I could tell him everything. But that changed pretty quickly.
I was with Kevin, being a tourist, when I got a worrying text from Jesse. He had found Bindi crying in the middle of the sitting room with the diary in front of her. I froze staring at the text message. I placed a hand in my handbag for some reason trying to find the diary that wasn’t there. He had taken her to the only place that might make this all go away, her home. I caught a taxi without even consulting Kevin, giving him some money and my keys to the apartment. Kevin shouted he wanted to come with but I was already inside the cab leaving my boyfriend in the middle of the pavement as I waved goodbye from him.
I arrived in no time. When I rushed through the doors, sweating worried and feeling sick, I saw her looked up at me those light brown eyes crumbled and distraught. They were all in the dining room sitting around quiet and sad. She just about spoke a sentence to me crying that she didn’t blame me for keeping the diary from her, she wasn’t crying about that. She was crying because those pages still haunted her, it all felt so real still. Those pages exposed everything she was feeling, what she was going through and sitting there it had all come back as painful as before. So she asked me a simple question.
“Why did you bring me back to America when you knew exactly how I felt? These pages show everything yet you still bring me back to the place that I hate.”
I was still standing in the doorway, frozen into place. This sight of her was heart breaking for me. To witness the sight in front of me was tearing at my very core because I did know what she was feeling, what she had gone through, I had felt it all myself reading the pages. But I found my answer.
“Because it was bad that you just left with a note that revealed nothing… I didn’t think it was right that you just left them.” I always sort of knew the family weren’t very close, there had been warning signs – not that I really paid any attention to it but I knew now that I had a lot of respect for that family despite of everything that had happened.
“I know first-hand that you shouldn’t just flee…” I muttered not wanting to look at the family or Jesse who was guiding me to sit beside him.
“When did I ever fly or flee anywhere?” Bindi shouted at me. “I stayed! I stayed when Pheobe died, endured the concert and the nights out for you and school I hated even more when Grey appeared. You can’t say that I didn’t put on a brave face!” I wanted to protest but I couldn’t. “Eden, you leaving was the last straw. I had tried to be happy for ages and when you left, I saw how it messed up everything, Eli called me names, threatened me and yet my parents didn’t say anything about it. When he rushed out of the house and didn’t return until he came back completely drunk. Or the fact that I wouldn’t leave my own room for hours at a time...”
Sarah or Joseph didn’t have a clue what anyone was talking about but as I looked at the two I got the feeling that they were catching up fast. Sarah was holding a shaky hand over her mouth to stop crying. Joseph’s face had turned pale. Bindi stood up searching for cigarettes but thought better of it.
“Being here is making me smoke fags, making me think and it’s getting me so angry at everyone because I can’t do anything about it… and do you what’s worse? All this thinking has made me think that the only person I never really blamed was you.’ My jaw practically dropped to the floor. ‘It takes two to tango! But I never blamed you… You agreed to keep it; you agreed to sleep with your so called best friend’s brother. You didn't tell me when I was supposed to be your best friend. Why would you even... With Eli!?”
I shook my head shuddering; I didn't know, hormones maybe? Loneliness? Lust? Alcohol? To hide other feelings towards someone else?
“You don't know? Eden, I'm not some little girl, I'm not that shy wannabe novelist who was afraid of everything... Not since you left. This right here…’ Bindi pointed to herself. ‘This is what you made me. Not mom, dad or even my prick of a brother: you.”
I hated hearing that I had so much of an effect on the family by leaving, by being there. I never really thought I had made that much of an impression. I never thought I was anything to be made a fuss over or to worry over once I disappeared.
Eli burst up from his seat, his hands shaking balled into fists. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry that I was what caused this Bindi, you’re my sister but our parents have forgiven me why can’t you? It was a mistake, we all make mistakes! Yet you can’t forgive me and nor can you.” Eli had addressed both Bindi and I.
I put my hands up. “Hey, I thought I forgave you…”
“Bullshit.” Eli spat.
Eli addressed his younger sister. “Bindi… you are the only person who I need to forgive me. I don’t care that they forgave me… we spent a long time being angry, we both went through the same thing when Eden left and I know we never spoke about it but you know I sat outside your door for hours whilst you cried. I need you to forgive me Bindi, please.”
Bindi looked out the window, her lip trembling. “Yet, you’ve never shown me any affection…”
He hanged his head, laughing a little. “You’re my little sister, as your older brother I’m not supposed to show you how much I love you.”
I was so attracted to Eli right now; I was trying not to look at him. He had shaved his beard but there was a little bit of stubble. His hair was pushed back and clean plus, he was in a shirt and jeans, his biceps tights on his shirt sleeves as he leaned over the table looking at Bindi with such sincerity and longing. I wanted to hug him but I had to remind myself that I was angry with him. I looked at Jesse whose brows were in a line of frustration. I nudged him, mouthing what was the matter but he just held my hand and shook his head.
“BINDI, LOOK AT ME.” Ah, there was the angry Eli that I had becomes used to. “DON’T ACT LIKE THIS WAS ALL ABOUT YOU. I LOST TWO THINGS I LOVED AND THEN WHEN YOU LEFT, I FELT LIKE I HAD LOST EVERYTHING.”
“THEN WHY ARE YOU ONLY TELLING ME THIS NOW.” Bindi shot back.
Eli looked surprised that she had shouted at him, I smiled slightly at Eli really taking in his new sister. I had only seen this side of her and even her parents were surprised at her new angry side.
“You’re telling me that you loved her.” We heard Joseph ask Eli. I muttered a swear word towards Joseph, about to shout something but Jesse squeezed my hand to stop me. “It wasn’t just a… attraction thing?” Eli slowly turned towards his father. I gulped. “I loved her. The only girl I ever have loved.”
“And she broke your heart by leaving.” Sarah looked from Eli to me, her eyes swimming with sadness. Jesse squeezed my hand harder, he could feel I was shaking.
Sarah took a deep breath. “You were okay with her keeping the baby?” Eli paused bowing his head. “Well… I didn’t believe her. I thought she just wanted me for herself and to break apart my relationship with Raine… but that all changed!”
I was furiously shaking, any second now I was going to walk out of here. Jesse whispered for me to stay. I knew exactly what he meant. I stared at the ground. I could feel Eli looking at me. “I would have supported her though, once I got it through my thick skull. I would have done whatever I needed to.”
Slowly I looked up. Sarah’s eyes caught mine first, she was crying but smiling. I think she finally had heard the words she wanted to hear from her son, that he would have stepped up if he had to – he would have become the father to the unborn child. She knew they were the words I had longed to hear all that time ago.
Joseph spoke once again. “Now Bindi… it’s your turn.”
I’m glad I stayed. Eli’s words to me had meant so much that I didn’t realise until we were in the car on the way home. The Moretto family had talked and talked and talked about everything that happened to them from Pheobe to my departure. Sarah and Joseph had now established that their daughter loved another girl who killed herself, whereas before they only knew Pheobe as a dear school friend of Bindi’s – who obviously missed her best friend because she cried a lot. They both agreed that my arrival was partly due to Bindi’s unhappiness. They had no idea that Eli and I were that serious and that they would have supported us they assured me. I felt my heart flutter at the words; those were the words I had wanted to hear I just hadn’t realised.
Why had it taken this long for the family to have an actual conversation? No one could answer but everything seemed to be a lot clearer now. I don’t know about everyone else but my shoulders felt lighter. They had agreed to go on a family dinner just the four of them; to be a proper family. It was going to take time but I actually smiled at Sarah and Joseph when we left.
Bindi sat in back of the Jesse’s Land Rover with an expressionless face staring into space, her body language stiff and rigid. She wouldn’t speak and it would seem as if she wasn’t listening to anyone. We drove back to the apartment in silence and it was only as we got into the elevator up that I realised – KEVIN.
I barged through the door shouting for him. He was in the kitchen with Leanne. I sighed in relief but that was when I spotted the suitcase next to him. Leanne didn’t look pleased, she looked upset. The three exited the kitchen to go around the corner in the living room. Kevin got up from his position but didn’t say anything. I went into overload apologizing for my behaviour asking him for his forgiveness and I would make up for it by going out to dinner.
Kevin shook his head. “Look, I can’t do this anymore. I’m here trying to be a good boyfriend but–”
“I know you are Kevin, no one’s saying you’re not. But this is complicated…”
“I thought this was going to be a wild passionate couple of days, where we wouldn’t leave the hotel suite but instead…’ I cringed waiting to hear the words. “Instead, I’m here; in your boy friend’s apartment thinking, no, knowing there’s a lot more to this story than you or any of you are letting on.”
Kevin told me he was leaving for the red-eye so I put on my brave face and asked if I could go with him to the airport.
I was so upset when we arrived at the airport that I’d have rather ran into the middle of road than to say goodbye to him. I contemplated if I should tell him everything. I had imaged it in my head all the different possibilities of what could happen but as soon as I thought I had the courage to do it, we had arrived. “Come home soon.” He kissed me perfectly on the top of my head fresh tears falling.
I watched him walk away from me at the airport, giving the stewardess his ticket and with a final wave, he was gone. I think that was it. I think that was the end of our relationship. I think he thinks that I’m not coming back. But I was going back, wasn’t I?