Taylor had gone to bed after they'd tidied up the house, mostly because she wanted to read whatever Karlie had said to her in that letter. It had been bothering her all day. Thea had gone to bed quickly, as she was exhausted after an exciting day. Of course she was - she'd been awake at the crack of dawn, and she'd been non stop ever since then. Joe had told her that he would be a little late coming to bed because he had o make a phonecall... Taylor had smiled, kissing him on the head and brushing his hair out of his face. Perhaps if her mind wasn't so occupied by what was contained within the pages of that letter, she'd ask him about it. Perhaps, if she wasn't so worried about what words would be in those pages, she would have noticed that he also was stuck in his head.
She climbed into bed, her fingers brushing over the paper. She didn't know if she could bring herself to read it. What was Karlie going to say? Would she be trying, once again, to create the friendship that they'd lost? Taylor's hands were shaking. She didn't want to look at it, at Karlie's beautiful curly handwriting that she'd grown to love so much.
Even reading her name on the front was too much. This was all too much. She pulled the duvet over herself, still fully clothed and makeup still on. Meredith came and settled on her lap - she figured that Benjamin was probably with Thea, they were inseparable. Olivia was running down the hall, every so often Taylor would see her shadow run past her doorway.
She closed her eyes, tying her hair up and out of her face. Karlie's words had hurt her before, and she didn't want to feel that hurt again. Maybe, they could find peace together. Perhaps that was what the letter was going to say. Taylor sighed because there was only one way to find out.
Taylor,
It's been a while... hasn't it? I mean, of course, it has. Look at Thea! From what I've seen, she is beautiful. I don't know what I want to say, words were never my thing. They were always yours. But I'll try.
I'm sorry that things ended up like this. I'm sorry. I don't know why I spent so long trying to defend myself, why I spent so long trying to place the blame on your shoulders. Because it was never your fault. It took a while, but I finally see it. I'm sorry that it took me so long to realise that - but late is better than never, I guess.
I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you... not completely. If I could just... turn back time and do things differently, believe me, I'd do it in a heartbeat. There's no one else out there like you, trust me, I tried to find a friendship like we had. I tried so fucking hard to find something that burned as bright as ours did. But I couldn't find it. There's nothing out there like what we had.
There have been so many big things happen that I always thought you'd be a part of... I always thought you'd be there for - and that's my fault, I know - and instead, we've been oceans apart. I always thought that it would be you standing beside me as I said 'I do' to the man I love, I always thought that it would be you who would help me to prepare a gender reveal party for my child. I always thought it would be you. Always. I thought that I'd be there for you, too. But I wasn't.
I wasn't fucking there for you in the way that I should have been - I did something that was the worst thing a friend could do, and I'll never be able to show you how sorry I am. I know that things can never be the same after what I did, but you'll never know how it felt when I saw that yellow box arrive - tied with that beautiful gold ribbon. I'll never forget taking it inside, and knowing that it was from you. I knew that it was from you the moment that I saw the little painting you'd done on one of the sides of the box. I didn't need to see your name. I just knew. Sometimes you just know these things. I burst out crying - because I didn't deserve anything from you. Not after what I did. But you just proved to me, again, that someone like you... that when you find someone like you, someone who brightens every room and fills it with hope, you never, ever let them go.
I hope that it's alright, but I included a couple of photos of Cleo wearing the dress you made her - now that it's a little small for her, she has put it on Mother favourite teddy. She hears me talk about you all the time, she's the sweetest thing.
I'm sorry for fucking up, and I'm sorry that I didn't see what Adam was doing to you - I should've been able to. I've added that to the long list of things that I did to fuck up our friendship.
Thank you for everything that you did for me, even though I did nothing but cause you pain in return,
Karlie.
If Taylor's hands were shaking before, they were trembling now. She didn't know if that letter was what she was expecting. She didn't know if that was what she wanted to hear. Karlie felt bad for what she'd done, but Taylor couldn't ever forget it. She'd never forget that pain, even if she forgave Karlie for everything. She didn't think that she could ever tell Karlie anything private, anything personal ever again, regardless of her promises. She could never get over the fear that Karlie would be telling other people about it. She could never feel like her secrets were safe. She was happy now. Happy with her friends, her best friends. She'd learnt to trust Blake and Ryan with anything. Blake was always there for her, always listened. She'd made peace with the fact that things with Karlie would stay distant. It was better for her mental health when she had nothing to do with Karlie. She'd learnt what was better for her mental health, and hanging out with people that she could trust, people that provided her with the support that she gave them in return, was good for her.
She clutched the letter to her chest, eyes closed. She could almost feel the hurt again, feel all of that pain that Karlie had caused. Another thing that Taylor had learnt - was to let go of the things that hurt her. The things that tore her into a million tiny pieces, things that shattered her into broken mirrorball shards. Things that made her feel like she was drowning, things that stole every inch of daylight she'd built for herself. Joe had helped her realise that - the importance of holding onto the things that made her feel like daylight, golden and warm. Now, she just had to decide what she was going to do next.
"It's Joe." The words hurt as they flew out of his mouth. He didn't know what he was doing, what he even wanted to say.
"Joe?" Recognition danced in her voice. She hadn't changed. "Are you okay?"
That was always Molly. Always making sure that everyone else was okay before herself. She was always like that in high school, and he wasn't surprised that she hadn't changed.
"I'm sorry," The words fell from his lips before he could stop them. "All those fucking years ago - I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologise, Joe." Her voice was soft as if it was wrapping him in warmth. It had always been like that, always felt as if she held the night sky within her voice.
"Yes, I do." He told her breathlessly as he sat down at the piano. He bit down on his lip, a habit that he hadn't resorted to in a while. "I shouldn't have walked off like that. It wasn't fair on you."
"You were going through s hard time, Joe. Stop being so hard on yourself. I'd forgiven you the moment you got into your car that day."
"Why?"
"Because I knew you didn't mean it." She told him, and Joe sighed. "You look really happy now."
Joe felt a smile trace his lips. "I really am. I am so happy. How are you? Are you happy?"
There was a long, silent pause, and Joe felt his breaths cease. "Yes." She finally answered, but Jow knew that she wasn't telling the truth.
"What's wrong?"
He heard a shaky, deep breath before Molly spoke again. "We had a little boy, Joe. His name is Matthew... I wanted to name him after you. I thought that Matthew was a better option because you know how much we hated those teachers talking about your name. He's the loveliest little boy in the entire world - but... but..." Joe felt his heart ripped from his chest. What was he going to find out? Was this what Patrick had been talking about? "Three years ago, well... nearly four... we found out he has... cancer. And we thought he was in recovery now - we thought he was in remission, but... it came back." Joe wasn't sure that his heart was beating anymore. That was any parents worst nightmare, and the fact that Molly had gone through that - that he wasn't there for her... it felt like a dagger in his chest. "And no one ever talks about how truly hard it is... because Claire - my little girl... It's just so hard to watch her deal with it. And financially... we'd just started to recover and it came back." Molly's voice was so quiet that Joe could barely hear her. It felt as if his heart was pounding so loud in his head, yet it felt as if he wasn't even breathing at all.
"Molly..." He started, but there weren't any words to say. Of course there wasn't. There were no words to justify what she'd been through or to make it seem okay. It wasn't fucking okay. "Let me help."
"No, Joe."
"Please. However much it is, whatever treatment he needs, let me help you."
"I couldn't-"
"Yes, you can. Please, Molly... Please let me at least do this. I wasn't there for you throughout it all, and now... please let me help. Is there anything else we can do? Are there better doctors in America? Or anywhere? I'll help you all - please let me help. It's the least I could do." Joe felt as if he couldn't even think straight, felt as if words were just falling from his mouth randomly. He couldn't believe the pain that she'd been through, and he didn't even know.
Molly had to leave to go and drop the children to school, but Joe promised that he'd call her tomorrow to make sure that he helped. He sat with his head in his hands. How could that happen to her? He was furious.
"Are you alright?" He glanced upwards as he heard Taylor's voice from the doorway. He felt so awful that he couldn't even smile. She knew instantly that he was upset, and moved towards him, sitting down beside him. Briefly, Joe wondered how many tearful conversations that the two of them had shared by the piano.
"I spoke to an old friend of mine," Joe told her honestly. "I hadn't spoken to her in so many years - since before I meet you... and I hadn't talked to her because I was angry and upset that she had found happiness with someone else. And it wasn't until Patrick mentioned something about her last night that I realised what I'd done... and so I finally phoned her. It's been so many years." Joe felt himself start to leak water from his eyes, leak that sadness down onto his cheeks. "And she tells me that one of her children has... that her child that she named after me has... cancer." Joe felt his words catch in his throat. He felt Taylor's arms around him, felt her chest underneath his head. "And... I should've been there for her... I should have." Those bitter, cruel, dark thoughts were threatening him again. He didn't want to let them in, and he tried to focus on Taylor's light, but there were too many of them.
"What can we do to help?" Taylor asked, and this brought fresh tears to his eyes. She was so loving, so kind. He pulled away, cupping her cheeks and kissing her. "Don't let the dark thoughts win," She murmured against his cheek. "We'll do whatever we can to help her, alright? You could go to her," Taylor suggested. "The school holidays are in a couple of weeks - we were going to stay in the Lake District anyway - you can stay with her, be with her." Joe loved Taylor so much, loved that there was that deep level of trust between the two of them. "Or... they could all come here if they can travel. Whatever it is that we can do, we will do it."
Joe nodded, still finding it hard to think straight. Taylor's words, her voice fluttered in his mind. Don't let the dark thoughts win.