Tuesday 25th February
What's the best advice you've ever been given? Follow your heart. Yeah, I decided I won't be so sarcastic today. I'm glad I followed my heart with Josh. Things are really nice for us.
But Josh and his Mum. I know things are going badly there. I really wish I could be a better girlfriend for him and stop him from feeling so miserable. But it's kinda impossible. All he wants is for his Mum to get better again and, unless I find the cure for cancer, I can't do that for him.
I'm going to call him and go over his house.
11pm: I'm such a terrible person. I guess I ought to explain what happened. I got to Josh's in the early afternoon and, of course, nobody was home. Nobody's ever home at his house. It was completely silent. The sort of silent that's deadly and cuts right through you. The silence that is so quiet it hurts. You know something's wrong just by the lack of sound.
"Josh!" I beamed, finding his lips. Suddenly, that silence was electric. My hands were in his hair and his arms were around my waist and it was like there was nobody else in the world. It felt like it when we broke apart too.
"Oh, God. I really love you, Jade," he smiled. I watched as the smile lit up his eyes. That hardly happens nowadays. With him it's all clenched teeth and teary eyes.
"I love you too, Josh," I said. I couldn't help but smile too. He was contagious. He was my drug. He was my drug and I was hooked.
I thought back to last year when I hated him and we could barely talk without snarling at each other. Now, here we are, barely a breath apart, so in love. I couldn't have wanted him or loved him anymore than I did right then.
"Let's get something to drink," Josh said. I wandered into the living room. The lighting was low, how romantic. I took a seat on the sofa. It was tidy for once. I was used to seeing it covered with laundry and blankets. It looked as if he'd made an effort.
He walked back in holding two glasses and a bottle. I looked him up and down, paying attention to what he was wearing. A dark and crisp blue shirt and smart trousers. Why was he so dressed up? Why was he giving me wine?
He poured too much into the glass and turned on a movie. We didn't watch it. We didn't even kiss, at first. We just drank. I didn't get drunk, just relaxed. I knew that I was a lightweight (after the party) so I only drank half of the glass Josh had poured me.
"You look really nice," I told him. "I always thought you were hot. I just...I think I liked you even when I said I didn't."
"I always thought you were hot. Wow. Compliment of the year, Jade," he laughed. But I could see his eyes were lit up. He was happy.
"Well, you are. And it's not even your face or your body," I said.
"Oh?"
"Yeah. You have the most attractive personality I know. You're just so funny and smart and sweet and you're a gentleman and you can sing. And I love how you taught me to play the piano and how you say 'I love you, Jade' so that I know it's me you're talking to. And I love how your hair is perfect even after you've walked for miles in the wind. And I love how you care so much about your Mum. And I love how you secretly love to watch Glee but won't admit it. And I love every bit of you. You're so perfect and you don't even know and I love you and I would love it if you could kiss me again," I said.
"Wow," Josh breathed. He didn't say anything else. We were together in an instant, then we were lying there, breathless. We'd never done anything more than kiss before but suddenly I didn't care. I guided his hands up my shirt, wondering why I'd never let him before. His lips were against my skin and it was perfect. Until the phone rang.
It woke me up as if from a dream.
Josh stumbled to the phone as I fumbled around on the sofa for my bra.
"Okay, I'll be there," I heard him say. He went to kiss me one last time, "Jade I love you. My Mum...She's worse. I have to go."
"I love you too," I whispered. He was gone in an instant. I was left in utter silence. It was even more painful than before. This time it revealed me and how foolish I had been. One 'I love you' and I nearly gave myself up? I burst into tears. Pathetic, I know, but I couldn't believe what I'd nearly done.
I just got home and now I'm calling Rhea but she won't answer. Why won't she answer? It's 11 o'clock, I know. But this is Rhea! She's up until 2am or later. Why won't she answer me?
Wednesday 26th February
Who is the hottest celebrity you know? I don't know any celebrities.
Rhea still won't answer her phone. Or Josh. I don't know what to do.
Mum's been out loads recently. Lewis isn't talking to me either.
What is wrong with everybody?
Thursday 27th February
If you had a time machine would you go forwards or backwards in time? I wouldn't do either. Unless maybe I could help Josh's mum.. Yeah, I'd go forward and find the person who discovers the cure for cancer and bring them back in time and save thousands of lives.
Rhea still isn't answering her phone! And Mum was gone all night last night. I'm starting to get worried about her. Where is she? And what's up with Rhea? And where's Josh?
Hang on, I'm getting a call from him now.
Later: I'll write this down exactly how it happened and pretend like I have no foresight to what just happened. What did just happen?
So, Josh called me asking me to come over. He didn't seem to have any emotion in his voice so I was worried. Something must've been wrong with Jemima, that was all I was thinking about. I was so panicked; what if she was dead? I swallowed my fears - she couldn't be. There was no point worrying about it before I knew what was actually wrong.
Maybe...Maybe he was actually disguising a surprise. That could well be it! Josh could be planning on being super cute and sweet! So before I ran for the bus stop, I changed out of my over-sized jumper and the leggings that were starting to sag in all the wrong places.
Instead, I put on a teal coloured top, low cut, with a beautiful gold necklace and some high waisted jeans. I brushed my hair, deciding I didn't have time to style it properly, and put on some decent makeup. Then I grabbed a pair of heels (I didn't want to stand on tiptoes as I went to kiss Josh) and ran out of the house.
I got to his house beaming. I'd convinced myself he had something amazing planned. I rang the doorbell, hopping from one foot to the other, beaming and squealing inside. He opened it, a solemn expression upon his face.
I figured he was acting, trying to get me to think he wasn't really going to surprise me. Although it did seem a bit out of character for him to be wearing tracksuit bottoms and not wearing any cologne. I just figured he'd been expecting my arrival sooner and hadn't wanted to get dressed up.
"Jade," he said quietly. "You look dressed up."
I blushed, "Thank you."
"Come in then," he said in a rather unwelcoming tone. I felt a bit queasy, something about his voice reminded me of the old Josh - the one that came to my birthday party and had sniggered about me with Fabien.
I followed him inside, noticing how he hadn't opened any of the curtains or turned on the radiators. Everything was dark and cold and I felt like I shouldn't have come. This seemed like a place where someone had died.
"I need to speak to you Jade. Andn this is going to be easier for me if you don't say anything," Josh told me. "Or at least not until I'm done."
"O...Okay," I said. My lungs seemed to be crushed my rib cage, and I felt it was going to be difficult for me to say anything anyway. I just knew something was very wrong.
"Jade, I think I have to break up with you," he said.
He said those words. Just two days after he said he loved me! And that's all he said. One sentence. One that wasn't even long enough to fill up a line in my diary. He ended it all in a sentence! What sort of joke is that?
And Josh... Did he really end things? Really? Is all of this real or am I dreaming? I'm pinching myself but I won't wake up. It doesn't even hurt to pinch myself. Maybe that's just because my heart hurts much more.
Oh, my God. This isn't happening. This...This can't be over...