The chirping echoed through the vast dark forest, dampening the drumming of his heart. Shadows flickered with flashes of the lightning coming off his hand, bouncing off the trees as he rushed past them. He mouthed to himself. I'm too late. I'm too late.
He grabbed his right wrist and raised his heavy arm when the forest opened into a wide battleground. It reeked of earth and blood. The familiarity of that sight, of that smell, made his heart slam against his ribs. It's coming, that dreaded moment. It happened every time. Over and over. Air spurt out of his lungs. What he was about to do,... if only he could put his arm down. If only he had listened. I can't... It was inevitable... I can't stop, someone, please...
But his body kept going. The chirping muffled by the brief moment his arm pierced through the frail figure before him. The deafening sound of her chest bones crushing. Her eyes widened. Kakashi. Blood gushed from her mouth with his name. Kakashi. Her insides ran between his fingers, dripping down his elbow. Her heart beat one last time against his arm.
The light in her vanished. The promise he made broken, like her body.
Kakashi...
Kakashi...
...
His eyes shot open and he sprang up on the bed, yanking the mask of his face, almost tearing it at the seams as he gasped for air. Just a dream, that dream. He wiped the sweat off his forehead with the back of his left hand; the right laid trembling on his lap. How long had it been since he woke up like this?
"Not now...," he said under quivering breath.
That dream haunted him every night, for years, then every other night. He learned to live with it until it stopped being so frequent, but it came back, every now and again. It would never go away for good. A punishment he had long accepted, so he wouldn't forget Rin. So he always remembered the heap of mistakes he had to atone for in his life before he could finally find peace.
He held his shaky hand and hesitated to closed his eyes, fearing he would see her again like he always did. But it was Tenzōs face that he saw.
'I would even die for you.'
His heart stopped for a second or two.
'I guess I love you.'
How could Tenzō say something like that so casually? To him, of all people. If he knew those words were coming, he would have stopped him, like he did Rin. She tried to tell him, but he already knew, so he didn't let her. Not because he was incapable of returning that sort of affection, maybe with time, but had it been up to him, he would have left her to die back then. Someone like that–like him–was undeserving of love.
It happened so long ago. Kakashi changed a lot, at least he liked to believe he had. He'd never been without emotion. He wasn't the cold-hearted killer others liked to think. Life would have been so much easier for him if he was, especially after Rin was gone, he wished he was and even tried to be. The reputation kept people and friends away, and it helped him shut them out. He'd rather hide behind his ANBU mask and go on assassination missions than sitting at a dango shop, chatting away.
Other people had the courage to declare their feelings for him in the past, but were all met with a blunt rejection and he went on about his day like nothing had happened. So him having that nightmare, forced to stare at the ceiling in the middle of the night could only be Tenzō's fault.
Kakashi pulled the mask over his face and laid down on the bed, rubbing the palm with his thumb.
'I would die for you... I love you.'
"Idiot..."
Both of them. Tenzō for catching him off guard, and Kakashi himself for walking away. If only he had said nothing and just sat there... But no, he turned into his old self, and since he didn't know what to do, he said what he was used to. He hurt him because it was easier, but when Tenzō shut him out, his chest sank into his stomach. Kakashi saw now that he probably hurt Rin back then too. Just because she didn't get to say it, didn't mean her feelings stopped existing. He hurt her so deeply, she didn't react like Tenzō did, she just never mentioned it again in the short time they had together. He didn't have the chance to tell her that maybe one day he could have loved her back, when the war was over and he had kept his promise, when he was finally worthy of it. But like that, she was gone and that day never came.
But Tenzō wasn't Rin. He didn't accept Kakashi's rejection and he doubted that next time they saw each other everything would be the same. How could it? They weren't children, there were no wars and... well... I was the one who kissed you.
Whenever he had that dream, it was a night lost, and to make it worse, now he saw Tenzō's face and heard his voice while awake. Kakashi sat on his bed again and reached for the clock, with his hand still shaking. It was past 2am, there was a lot of night to go. He got up, put on a shirt, a vest, and despite the drizzly night, left his house intending to visit the Memorial. That's where he always went after that dream. But as he stood there, looking down at Obito's name on the stone, that place wasn't where he wanted to be. After an apology to his old teammate, he jumped from roof to roof, on a completely different route, and found himself sliding open the window to Tenzō's bedroom.
Before Kakashi's feet hit the ground, crackling sounds broke silence and multiple wood branches launched towards him, wrapping around his body and pinning him on the corner between the wall and the ceiling.
"It's me, Tenzō!"
"Kakashi... senpai...?" He put him safely on the floor and withdrew his jutsu.
Kakashi rubbed his wrists. "Maybe I should have knocked."
"You think?" His brows furrowed. "I could have hurt you, senpai."
"I wasn't in any danger."
"Did you come here to be arrogant?" Tenzo said, not hiding his irritation, and sat on the bed before looking at the time, "It's almost three, did something happen?"
He took off his shoes. "No." He couldn't tell him he had a bad dream without sounding like an even bigger asshole for what he did earlier? Yet, there he was, seeking him out again for that soothing touch only Tenzō could give him. "I wasn't planning on coming here."
"Then why are you here?"
"I can't sleep." The other said nothing. He just watched as Kakashi approached the bed, invading his personal space despite the look on his face.
"And that's my problem how?"
It was his problem because it was his fault. But he couldn't say that either. "I'm just so tired." Tired of so many things he had no control over. He flumped on the floor, leaned against the bed and dropped his head back. He was trash, pulling something like this, but that dream was still fresh in his mind. That dream and Tenzō's face. If he had to see it in his thoughts, then he might as well be there looking at the real thing.
...
What was he supposed to do with that? Any other time, it would've been fine. Any other crappy excuse Kakashi-senpai came up to get something from him. They were all fine. But not that night.
Yamato never wanted a relationship, he never once needed his senpai to give him anything more than what he wanted to give. Those words, he didn't say them with any underline intentions or expectations, they just left his lips. If Kakashi hadn't been so stubborn and accepted that he also wanted to protect him, then he wouldn't have said them in the first place. It was implied, wasn't it? It was implied in everything that he had ever done for him and with him. Those words never needed to be said, only that they did, because Kakashi was so intelligent and yet so daft. Yamato didn't throw them on the table out of nowhere, he did because Kakashi brought him coffee when he didn't have to. Because he joked and smiled so openly. Because his guard was down and because those words were true. It took years, kisses and having his senpai in his arms for Yamato to accept that he had been in love for a long time. But it was Kakashi who shoved that truth in his face, so it only angered him more when he denied it. And coming to him in the middle of the night was a proof of his bullshit.
His heart throbbed in his chest. He raised a hand and was about to shove his senpai's off his bed, but stopped when a droplet ran from the tip of his silver strand onto the sheets. Damn it! His hand hovered. His hair was damp, so it was raining. He came all the way in the rain for what? For this? A sorry in the morning would've sufficed. Yamato glanced down at him. Kakashi's eyes were already closed and his breathing slow. Was he really falling asleep?
"Senpai." Yamato touched his shoulder, the vest also damp, "You're getting my sheets wet."
"I just want to close my eyes for a bit."
Yamato took a deep breath. I need another drink. "That's fine, but you're also going to get sick if you sleep like that."
"Would you rather I stripped? I can do that."
Make it two. A minimum of two drinks... if there was still any left. "I don't care. Just... don't stay on the floor all soaked, you looked pitiful," and it only annoyed him further. "I have to sleep too, and I can't if you're like this."
Kakashi pulled away from the bed and removed his vest, his shirt and top, and didn't bother standing up to stripped down to his underwear. Without an invitation, he crawled into the bed as if it was his, pulled the blankets and stole his pillow. Yamato got to his feet straight away, jumped over the clothes on the floor, and made it to the window to shut it. It was only a light rain, so Kakashi must have been outside for a while. Why?... But Instead of asking he just looked at him, lying there, almost naked. His throat knotted. What would happen if he joined him? If Kakashi wanted to take more than his pillow? What would he do then, hug him and pretend that what he said didn't piss him off? He was so in love with that person and yet he wanted to grab him and throw him out, in the rain, naked, until he got his shit together.
"Tenzō,"
Yamato jolted.
Kakashi opened his eyes, "I thought you had to sleep."
"I'm..." He couldn't do it, "getting a glass of water," and by water he meant anything with alcohol in it. He quickly left the room.
...
Maybe if they kept it just physical, Yamato considered. He opened the cupboard and took the bottle of sake, already two thirds gone from earlier in the evening, to pour himself another drink. It would work just fine. His senpai could keep lying to himself about his feelings, and eventually Yamato would go back to hiding his own, just like before. Since Kakashi didn't need his love, then he wouldn't give him any. They could get their physical needs out of their system from time to time, he could focus on his mission, Kakashi could continue being Hokage and doing whatever the hell he did all day. No harm done.
The cup overflowed onto his fingers. "Damn it..." he was still tipsy since Kakashi didn't allow him to sleep it off. He sipped some, patted the hand on his boxers, and filled up the rest.
No harm done. To whom? Not him, he was good with the way things were. He chugged it, put down the empty cup and bottle on the kitchen counter then looked at the sofa. There was no energy left in him to return to the bedroom, so he sat down and looked out into the rainy night. That was the same sofa where this got complicated. He laid down and closed his eyes. It had been nothing before, it was still nothing now, so why care? Kakashi wouldn't accept his love, but he didn't have to... in a day, neither of them had to deal with any of this.
As his eyelids got heavy, the room spun and his mind drifted off.
"Tenzō...?"
The call came from the bedroom door followed by a shuffling noise. Yamato sat up, trying to figure out if he was awake or dreaming when Kakashi emerged with his hair all messy from drying on the pillow.
That man, hunched, dragging his feet towards him, broke him. It could have happened a long time ago, who knew? Yamato sure didn't, but he was broken alright, because after all this, he still wanted to please him, hold him, let him know that he was there for him, that he could lean on him whenever, for whatever. With each step, he shattered further. If only he could hold onto some little pieces of himself, this time,... this time Kakashi wouldn't get away with this.
He reached out his hand. "Sleep with me."
"What?"
"I just wanna sleep."
Just sleep. When they just slept Yamato had his arms around him the whole night, not letting him stray an inch from him. When they just slept he saw how deep he had fallen, and whether Kakashi came over for his own benefit or not, Yamato would still do what his senpai wanted in the end. Anything for a praise, for a smile. What a pushover. But until that evening, Kakashi never said or did anything to hurt him, not intentionally, so he let him take advantage of his adoration freely. But now...
The hand still out for him stretched further, begging to be taken. Yamato looked at it. It seemed unsteady. Strange. The other didn't budge and the hand wasn't going anywhere, so Yamato gave in and took it. Just sleep, no more than sleep. Kakashi laced their fingers together and tugged him up. Yamato swallowed thickly. They had done much more than hold hands, but this was different. They walked back to the bedroom, Kakashi paced backwards, leading him, and sat by the edge of the bed.
"What you doin'?" Yamato slurred, looking down. He kept the words dry and his forehead wrinkled, maybe too much, but he had to be stern, if not by his actions, he would at least look and sound like it. He could do that much.
Kakashi leaned in, his lips pressed softly against Yamato's exposed stomach. His breath hitched. He couldn't do this, whatever Kakashi's motives were. After he told him not to care, not to love him. How could he just come over like a wounded animal needing the one thing he just told him he didn't need?
"You're a hypocrite."
"Replace hedonistic from my list of flaws with that then."
Yamato shut his eyes briefly, his brows still gathered, but Kakashi parted his lips and ran his tongue along the lines of his abs. Yamato hand went straight for the back of his senpai's head, fingers wrapped around the damp silver strands to pull his head back.
"Don't–" Yamato said, but forgot the rest once his eyes locked on Kakashi's. That look. Regret? Guilt? Was he trying to apologise? If he was, than that was a terrible way of doing so. The strands were tightly tangled within his fingers and it couldn't be comfortable, yet, Kakashi didn't complain, he just stared. Maybe he thought he deserved it. He would take anything not to be alone. So, his anger he could accept. Did he think so little of himself?
He let go of the hair. Fuck it. His hand stayed on the back of Kakashi's head as he leaned in to plant kisses on his bare skin, moving down over the fabric of his boxers. Yamato inhaled sharply as Kakashi mouthed over his shaft.
That was unfair because now he was getting aroused, and he wanted to keep being angry, he wanted to show his senpai that if this was just physical, if feelings weren't involved, then he couldn't come wearing that vulnerability–Yamato was always desperate to see–on his sleeve. He shut his eyes.
It was all he did. But not looking at his senpai was enough. As much as he wanted to throw him out of the apartment, he would do it after, when he had slept, when he could make sense of things. He would then make sure Kakashi knew that he was aware of his manipulation. He did it all the time. After this, he would show him. He wasn't a toy; he wasn't...
"Uhh..." the moan rolled out of his lips. He looked down, feeling Kakashi's teeth over the fabric as he mouth the head. Shit. Kakashi tugged his boxers down. His tongue was out. Yamato couldn't quiet down his breathing. He dragged the tongue along Yamato's length. His body became hot in an instant.
The room was dark apart from the outside lights bouncing in through the windows, but Yamato saw everything, even if the alcohol hadn't left his body yet. His senpai's tongue, soft and wet, gliding slowly as if to tease him. One of his hands was still laced with Kakashi's, the other moved away from the hair and held onto his shoulder. He needed help keeping some of his weight off his legs because the room was spinning a little, and his knees could cave in at any time.
Kakashi's lips brushed over the head. Yamato gasped, clinging even tighter to him. God. He groaned again, louder. Kakashi took the head into his mouth.
"S-senpai..."
That was bad. Yamato was losing control when minutes ago he had been so dedicated to his anger. It wasn't easy for him to accept his own feelings either, because they didn't matter in the life of a shinobi like him. But Kakashi changed him. He reached inside him like a hook and drew them out, but he was taking no responsibility for them. And now this, what was this?
Kakashi sucked him harder. Yamato grew bigger into his mouth, to the point the other couldn't take all of him anymore. His knees almost buckled and his finger dug deeper into the other's shoulder. Kakashi pulled back and their eyes met again.
"Why're you doing this?" Yamato said, weak, almost out of breath.
But Kakashi just looked at him, his eyes so narrowed, so tired, he could hardly make it past his lashes. At that point, he didn't care why. An apology, him expressing his feelings, or a goodbye, one last night of intimacy before it was all over. None of it mattered. Fuck, I love you. And he would die for him, just like he said, and those were the only things that really had any meaning.
They stared at each other for what it felt like a really long time rather than seconds. Kakashi still didn't reply, and instead, he held Yamato at the base and took him into his mouth again, and again. The tip of his tongue trailed the slit whenever Kakashi pulled back, drawing languish moans out of him.
The rush of his heart as he watched, not quite believing it. Yamato didn't want it to end but he wasn't going to last. He placed his palm on Kakashi's forehead and pushed him back, unable to voice that he was going to come. But Kakashi bated off the hand and sucked him faster. Yamato held onto his hair, lighter this time, and looked at the ceiling, his hips thrusted forward as he came into his mouth. He panted so heavily, trying to catch his breath, waiting for his heart to calmed down, but it wasn't easy when his senpai continued to lick him. He envisioned his first time doing this quite differently, there was a lot more lust and a lot less hurt, possibly.
The ceiling was spinning a little less now that he found a spot to focus on. His boxers were pulled back up, a sign that they were going no further, somewhat a relief. There was nothing else for Yamato to give him. If their fingers hadn't been so tightly entwined from the moment Kakashi brought him back to the bedroom, if his mind wasn't buzzed from the sake, he would have, perhaps, stepped away. What was he going to say now? He couldn't even look at Kakashi, until the other's arm went around him, and he leaned his head against Yamato's stomach.
If only he would tell him what was wrong and why he was really there. Yamato look down and touched Kakashi's hair, fingers buried into it, and the hand brushed down to the back of his neck.
"I need to sleep," Yamato said instead. Despite the gentle touch, his tone was as cold as he could possibly make it, it hurt him to hear it off his mouth when what he wanted was to get on his knees, cup that face, kiss him.
"Are you going to tell me to leave?"
Could he say yes? He wanted to say yes, to be that strong, that mean. He really did. "Do whatever you like, isn't that what you always do?"
Kakashi remained as he was for a while, then finally let go of his hand and pulled away. "I did come here to sleep."
"What's wrong with your own bed?" Yamato sat down, as far from Kakashi as possible without looking like he was avoiding him on purpose.
"My past."
Like always, he gave away very little. Yamato wished that both of them were more outspoken about those things. All the baggage, weighing on him still no matter how much time passed. If only he shared some of it, Yamato would have helped him carry. But he didn't want to carry or care that night.
"You didn't have to do all this."
"Didn't you like it? Sounded like you did."
Well, at least Kakashi succeeded in keeping him pissed off. "That's beyond the point." Yamato closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I think you should shut up and sleep before you make this bed your past too."
That was it. He was so done and couldn't look at Kakashi any longer. Without opening his eyes, he rolled on the bed to his side and pulled the blankets over himself, putting an end to that night.