☼☼☼
The only thing I'm really sure of
I'm unsure of almost everything
But I know, I know, I
I only wanna talk to you
☼☼☼
Jaime's P.O.V.
June 12th 1997
Jess and James are so fucking lucky that my shift didn't start until 5, because when I walked into Lon's at 4:35, I was ready to burn the place to the ground. I stormed in like the most terrifying and most dangerous thing on Earth - a pissed off woman.
I walked straight into Monica's office and threw my bag down on the chair that faced her desk. She looked up at me bewildered. "Jaime, you're early wha-"
"I'm taking Jess and James for a few minutes. Make sure the idiots don't burn the place down."
"I don't know who you think you are-" I have no idea what she said because I walked out to find them on the floor. Even though she sounded angry, she wasn't mad. I would apologize later for taking my frustration out on her, but right now I needed to yell at my so called friends.
I walk out by the bar and see James leaning against the wall not doing anything. I snatch his wrist and pull him towards the front door. Before we make it there, I see Jess coming from the kitchen with a large tray for one of the tables. I take the tray out of her hands and give it to the first person I see.
"Courtney, can you give this to table 12 for Jess? Thank you." I place the tray in her hands before she can say no.
"JJ, what is going on?" Jess squeaked as I grabbed her wrist and James' and pulled them outside and around the corner of the building. When we rounded the corner I dropped their hands as they both huffed at me, clearly annoyed that I pulled them away from work.
"Mimi what's wrong?" James asks me, confusion on his face. He only uses that nickname when he wants to bug me. Or when he wants something from me. I scowl at him and then smack them both upside the backs of their heads at the same time.
"What's wrong? WHAT'S WRONG?! HUH, I don't know? Maybe, JUST MAYBE, it has to do with the fact that I invite you two over to hang out, I fall asleep for mhmmm twenty minutes, and suddenly you guys disappear. So, What,"
Whack
"The,"
Whack
"HELL GUYS!"
Whack
"Stop hitting us!" Jess whines.
They share a look. I hate that look. That look says that they have had a conversation about this and are replaying the conversation in their heads.
"Mimi, why are you upset?" James asks with concern on his face. Asshole.
He knows why I'm mad, and he is using that nickname against me. It always sent a shiver down my spine, even when we were younger. I shouldn't be mad at James. I didn't tell him really anything about Harry, so he couldn't have known.
I turned my body towards Jess because I was more frustrated with her than him.
"Why did you leave? Jess, I told you I didn't want to be alone with Harry."
"JJ, come on are you seriously upset? You fell asleep and then cuddled right up to Harry. We were going to wake you up, but you were so comfortable and by the time we realized, Harry was asleep and had his arms wrapped around you. It was so cute, you were all wrapped up like a present. So we left! I'm sorry," Jess, rambled out really fast. She rocked back and forth on her heels, toying with her fingers.
James' face was slightly pink because he was uncomfortable. He was looking everywhere but me, unsure how to act.
"Got something to add here, Jennings?" I glared at him with my arms crossed. He chewed on the side of his cheek and just shook his head. Something was up with him, but I wasn't going to press him.
I rolled my eyes. "Whatever. Sorry for pulling you from work, I gotta go get ready."
"Jaime, wait," Jess said, this time she was the one that grabbed my wrist. We stared at each other for a moment. She was waiting for me to tell her something but I am unsure what. "Well..." her eyes went wide. "Are you going to tell us how it went?"
I felt my stomach drop a little. I wasn't upset to the point that I wanted to cry, but my anxiety was at a high level, so any emotion was going to come out as the most dramatic thing in the world. I felt a lump in my throat and I looked up feeling tears form in the corner of my eyes.
"Uh, nothing happened." I am not going to cry. No crying over boys. Nothing bad even happened! More than anything I just felt embarrassed. I tried to swallow down anything I could because my throat felt like the desert.
Jess' eyes shot out and James rolled his eyes. What is his deal today?
"What do you mean nothing happened?" Jess prodded.
"Nothing happened. I woke up. He woke up, and he left right away. I didn't even get to say anything before he left." Before I could finish my sentence, James walked back into work. I cleared my throat and looked at the ground to make sure no tears fell. When the door closed I looked up at Jess. "Did I miss something? I mean, was I completely off base?"
"Jaime, are you kidding me? He literally looks at you like you're the Sun." I smiled to myself because only I caught the irony of her statement. "He fell asleep because he was so comfortable with you on top of him, with your friends around."
"I know but... I don't know. We're becoming good friends. I mean, you and I cuddle all the time. I can't be mad at him. I was the one that said I didn't want to be more than friends. He's being respectful and kind, and ugh he's being Harry. Good. Kind. Considerate Harry. God he disgusts me."
"Oh you're so screwed," she mumbles under her breath. I give her a sharp look, letting her know I hear her. She squeezes my arm, "Don't give up yet. Is he supposed to magically read your mind? Are you really just going to cower away? That's not the Jaime Jackson I know."
I push my lips to the side of my mouth. She has a point. But then again, does she really know Jaime Jackson?
I threw my head back and let my arms fall to my sides. "As much as it pains me to say it Jessica J, you are right."
A giant smile grew on her face.
"I'll tell him!" I raise my hands in surrender. "I'll tell him that I might want to be more than friends and I will see what happens. I mean worse case scenario he denies me, summer becomes awkward and then he leaves and we never see each other again."
"Way to be optimistic JJ," Jess deadpans, punching me in the shoulder.
"Just trying to be realistic," I shrug my shoulders. "Come on, I am sure the kitchen is falling apart."
☼☼☼
June 13th 1997
God I miss sleeping. I stumbled home from Lon's around 1:30am, took the quickest shower of my life. I think I fell asleep before my body even hit my bed.
I wasn't lucky enough to stay asleep. The first time I woke up, I was pulled from a very pleasant dream starring a certain Stranger with green eyes, and my kitchen counter. I was definitely startled when I woke up, but not enough to make me go anywhere. I got my breathing under control and did my best to remember certain flashes of the dream. I lulled myself back to sleep with manipulated versions of that dream, toes curling at the mere thought of him being here next to me, and resisting the urge to stick my hands down my pajama shorts.
The second time I woke back up I wasn't that fortunate. The dream had my body paralyzed. My eyes were open, but my body was frozen. I could wiggle my toes and open and close my fingers against the sheets but nothing else would move. That familiar feeling of my body being pulled to the floor by a magnet returned.
It was the same dream I have had about a few times a month ever since what happened to Mel. I was in that room again. The walls were white at one point, but looked stained yellow from years of dirt and mistreatment. The ceilings seemed to reach the sky making me feel 2 feet tall. The air was thin and I had a hard time breathing. There were no windows or doors, just yellow walls. On one wall there was the outline of a door, like a child drew it with a magic marker, just to taunt me, but there was no handle, no hinges, no sign of actual escape.
Another reminder that I will never get out. No matter how old I get. No matter how far I run away. She'll always follow me.
"This is her fault because she was a fucking whore"
"Don't you think I know that? She's your daughter."
Constant fighting over "whose" I am. I've seen the evil in both their eyes. An evil that we share. I know I'm both of theirs.
"No she's not. She stopped being my daughter when she killed my actual daughter."
The same sentences sound like a broken record.
Same words, same conversation, same phrasing on a loop for my tiny ears to hear. Even though I am alone in the room, it sounds like they are yelling right in front of me. Spit in my ear and smoke in my lungs. Their ghosts linger in the walls and seep into my body.
The second I started to get feeling in my limbs back, I made my way towards the bay. You would think that after a dream like that, the last person I would want to talk to is Mel. In a way, it's a form of torture.
A reminder that if I wasn't a whore, I could talk to her for real. She will always be just out of reach. Among the stars where she belongs.
I didn't even have a conversation like we usually do. I climbed up, rolled on the sandy grass, and just laid there. I looked up to the stars, and immediately tears started rolling down my eyes without my consent.
Hi, I thought to myself. Normally when I talk to Mel up here, I truly talk to her. I speak out loud, and yell at the sky like a crazy person and then assume her response in my head. Tonight was one of the nights that I didn't deserve to talk to her, nor did I deserve a response from her. I let my stream of consciousness flow as I lay here, missing my little sister, hoping this was one of the times she actually heard me.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I am the one laying here.
I'm sorry I come here and cry about boy problems.
I'm sorry I rant about long shifts at work and annoying customers.
I wish more than anything I could hug you while you tell me how school was. I bet you would've gotten all A+s and been a teacher's pet, but still super popular.
I wish I could've watched you grow up.
I wish you were old enough to develop hobbies or play sports.
I wish I could've spent early mornings cheering you on at basketball games, or late nights bringing you flowers after a school play. I would have supported anything and everything you did.
I wish I could have been the cooler older sister that bought you alcohol for parties or took you to get your first tattoo behind mom and dad's backs.
I wish I could have watched you graduate high school, and then college.
I wish I could have been the maid of honor at your wedding. I'm sure you would've made me wear the tackiest yellow dress.
I wish I remembered more things about you. I can still see your face and the way you would twirl around the kitchen in a yellow dress.
I remember the way you would cry so hard as a baby, and the only thing that would stop it was Tapestry by Carole King.
It's funny to think about the things people consider milestones.
Graduations.
Weddings.
Children.
I don't think I want those things anymore.
Obviously it's too late for high school graduation and I don't see myself going to college. But marriage? What would be the point?
Mom and Dad wouldn't be there. More importantly - you wouldn't be there.
Doesn't matter though, I don't think anyone would love me enough to marry me. And I don't want to hear anything about it. We both know that even if someone thought they loved me enough to marry me, they wouldn't know the real me, and I can't love someone in good conscience while keeping up such a facade.
You would've looked beautiful in white.
I roll onto my back and dig my toes into the grass and sand. I don't know where the next bit comes from, but I know better than to question my subconscious.
I wish you could meet Harry. You'd like him. Everyone does.
I wish Harry could meet you. He'd like you too. Everyone did.
I know I don't deserve it, but I hope one day you'll forgive me. I really didn't mean for it to happen but you know that. You know that I didn't mean it, and if I had to pick I would always pick you living over me. It was my fault and I wish more than anything it would have been me. Most of all Mel, if you are there, and if you are listening, — which God, you have to, otherwise I don't know how I survived this long — I'm sorry you had to see all that. I hope you never blame yourself for the things they put me through. Thank you for being here with me, well as much as you can be.
It's an injustice to this world that I am here and you're not.
You would have done so many great things Mel.
People say that all the time. "You would've done amazing things." and they typically mean grand things like cure cancer, become a doctor, be a lawyer, solve world hunger. And while I don't doubt that you could have achieved any of those things, those are not the amazing things I refer to.
The small things in life that feel so big, those are the amazing things I am talking about. The tiniest moments that make us feel so much bigger than we are. Everything from holding doors for strangers to watching your child take their first steps.
From getting a work promotion to watching television with the person you consider the love of your life.
You deserved those great things Mel.
I know I don't deserve them, but I promise that any time I have one, I will cherish it. I will cherish it and think of you, and be grateful that I got to experience something like that.
I think Harry is one of those great things. I don't deserve him, but I will do my best to cherish him.
For you.
☼☼☼
I stayed there for hours. I am not sure what time I got there but I think I remember my alarm clock saying around 6am. I have no idea what time I left though. I was in baggy sweatpants and a camisole shirt. My hair was knotted up on the top of my head and I had my dirty white vans with old pink laces on my feet.
I took my time walking home. I know I looked like a bad walk of shame, but I had no desire to hide. I am sure I have looked worse making this walk before, and if the view of me is more interesting than the morning paper, then so be it.
I stretched my arms and neck which was stiff from laying down for hours letting tears fall from my face. My face still felt slightly sticky and I couldn't wait to shower when I got home. I relished in the sun slightly burning my pale skin, thinking about the nap I was going to try to squeeze in before work.
When I was about 10 houses from my own I saw a car parked in front of my house. Not just any car. Harry's car.
Oh god, I didn't need him to see me like this.
Wait, why do I care? Because I want him to care. Right okay, fuck.
I locked the house up before I left so he couldn't have been inside. I could sneak inside and freshen up but I have a feeling he has been waiting here for awhile. Secretly, ever since he bolted out of my house Sunday night I have been dying to see him. He didn't come to Lon's last night and I had no idea when I was going to see him next. As unprepared as I felt, I liked that he came to see me.
I walked up my driveway to my backyard instead of going inside, and sure enough there was a head of long brown curls sitting on my dock. His shoes were already off and his feet were dangling in the water. He was wearing a white t-shirt with the sleeves rolled and an illustration of a speed boat with the words "DREAM BOAT" above in big red letters. I agree, shirt. I agree.
"Hi Stranger," his head whips around to look at me as I start walking toward him. "Or should I say stalker? Getting a little comfortable sitting out here when I'm not home."
"I thought you were home," his head turned back to the lagoon because he knew I was coming to sit down next to him. "I knocked a bunch of times but I figured you were just sleeping, so I decided to sit out here and wait-- Where were you? Your car is still in the driveway"
"I was just down at the bay. I like to walk there to clear my head." Not technically a lie.
I sat down and he looked over at me with concern. His eyes scanned the features of my face like it would somehow tell him all my secrets. You fucking wish, Stranger.
His thumbs trace my puffy eyes and red cheeks that gave away that I had been crying for hours. "What's wrong, Sunshine?"
I shrug. "I just didn't sleep well last night, that's all." It's true, but he looked at me like he didn't believe me.
Suddenly, he stands up and reaches his hand down to me waiting for me to take it. I placed my hand in his and let him pull me up even though I didn't need the help.
"What are we doing?"
He walked us into my house through the backdoor. Before I could protest he threw himself onto the couch and pulled me down to him. His hand softly crowned my head and guided it to lay his chest. The same position I woke up to Sunday night, except this time I was face down. Both pairs of our feet comically hang off the couch because of our height. My heart was racing a mile a minute. I knew he could feel it beat against his chest, which only made it beat faster.
What made me even more nervous is that his heart beat seemed completely normal. "Well this is familiar," I mumbled against him. I felt his chest move as he let out an airy laugh. His arms wrap around my torso to hold me to him so we don't roll off the couch together.
I tried to push off him because I could feel Mr. Sandman start to creep up on me. I also didn't want to find myself in the situation of having another dream about being on top of him, as I was literally, on top of him. "Harry I have to get ready for work soon and --"
"J, it's literally 10am. Lay down."
"Oh." I start to lower myself back down. "I thought it was later."
"Nope. Take a little nap with me, Sunshine. Just because the actual Sun burns 24 hours a day doesn't mean you have to."
The soft way Harry speaks to me always feels like I am on the brink of something. Like a bomb was about to explode. Every little comment he made was another tick tick on the metronome of the bomb that was ready to explode any moment.
"Okay okay, I'll nap, no need to be all cryptic about it." I settle my head on his chest, leaning my forehead in the crook of his neck. Jesus he smells good. I probably smell of salt water and sweat.
"Huh, and here I was thinking I was being poetic. I have to ask you something later, so the sooner you go to sleep the sooner I can ask you."
I placed my chin on his chest and looked up at him. Damn this fucker's green eyes. "And how do you expect me to sleep now?"
His fingers found their way into my hair and started playing with it. They move through once and then he looks at me to ask Is this okay? I nod my head.
"Shhh, it's nothing bad. Just close your eyes for now. Look I'll do it too." He squeezed his eyes shut and his nose crinkled to be dramatic, making me laugh. My laughter died down and his eyes relaxed but stayed closed.
Oh I guess we really were taking a nap. Alright.
I turned my head so my cheek was lying squished against him. I closed my eyes but my brain was running in circles trying to figure out what he was going to ask me, and his hands in my hair weren't helping.
Part of me wants to tell him right now. I wanna look up at him, tell him I like him, and then kiss his stupid British face. But he's so comfortable and I don't know if I can handle the rejection at this moment. No one has ever really held me before. I've been hugged before. Jess is really big on hugs. But my parents weren't big on physical touch growing up. And understandably so, Monica didn't really attempt to cuddle me considering I jumped any time she walked in the room. This was a new feeling, and I wasn't sure I was ready to give it up.
It felt safe. He felt safe.
It was weird that someone I had met a few weeks ago could bring me so much comfort. The warning signs in my head were telling me to run away. The tick, tick, tick, of the bomb in my head is still playing.
You just keep getting stranger and stranger my Stranger. My Summer Stranger. I like the sound of that.
I was freaking out and my brain was running a marathon trying to figure out every possible thing Harry could ask me, but sleep and exhaustion finally took over, the fuse of the bomb quieting for now.
Guess it's time to drop Mel's character card.
Meet you at the Precipice
Oli x