Image: Miosch, by D. Denise Dianaty
After spending the entire day dealing with the Citizens Council, high-level conferences, and her own household problems, Sabrina felt that, by all rights, a simple family dinner ought to be relaxing, not more work. However, she knew the company would prevent it. She couldn't fool herself into believing that a rosebush could make Imari more than tolerant of her; Miosch was troubling, not in himself, but because of the expectations of everyone around them; and even Rayland was not relaxing company. Sabrina found herself always scrutinizing what she did and said in his presence, wishing not to embarrass him; she had to remember to be a prince's daughter, not just herself. And tonight she had to tell him that she intended to defy her traditional obligation to his family.
Deciding she'd better get it over with before the meal, she managed to arrive a few minutes early. Scotty was already lounging on a sofa in the sitting room. He felt no obligation to behave like a prince's son, Sabrina thought wryly; he could merely be a soldier, off duty at the moment. That role would carry him through any function on Praxatillus with little alteration.
That must be my problem, Sabrina mused. I'm trying to play too many roles, define myself differently to too many people.
"Hiya, sis. Where's your bodyguard?"
"Off duty. Even bodyguards get an evening off now and then," Sabrina said. "A nice palace guard dropped me off here and told me she'd be back when I was ready to leave. They seem to think I'll be safe in here with you and Rayland."
Scotty grinned. "And Miosch too. From what I hear, he was a wicked fighter during the war."
"Where's Rayland?" Sabrina asked, declining to rise to his bait.
"Leanin' over the chef's shoulder and making him nervous," Scotty chuckled. "He'll be back in a minute. Have a seat."
Sabrina stifled a sigh and shook her head. "I've been sitting all day," she said.
"Nervous?" he challenged.
"Yes. A bit. Oh, it's easy for you to sit there and smirk! No one is seriously suggesting that you marry Imari!"
Scotty shrugged, but didn't succeed in banishing his grin. Sabrina felt it was fortunate that Rayland chose that moment to enter the room.
"Ah, my dear, welcome," he greeted her, holding out his hands. She put hers in them and returned his kiss on the cheek, a little surprised as always at how easily the forms of their new relationship had come to her. She had been startled, and a little guilty, at how easy it was to call him "Father." "You are early; I hope that means your day went well?"
"Well enough," she said. "Father...I need to talk to you."
He raised an eyebrow at her, but only said, "Privately?"
"No, I don't mind Scotty," she answered. "It's about Miosch. Well, at least partly. The thing is...I don't feel it would be wise for me to marry, or even consider marriage, while I'm Regent."
"Understandable," he said. After a moment, he added, "And prudent. As well as diplomatic. Ah, Sabrina, you are right to put a halt to my foolish imaginings; I would not truly have you sacrificed to tradition, even to perpetuate my family. And I can see that Miosch is not the man for you, any more than you are the woman for him. I cannot pretend it is not a disappointment to me, but then, perhaps it would be a harsher disappointment if you were the sort of person to give in to pressure to do something against your own judgment." He smiled down at her. "Don't look so distressed, my dear. You are quite right; it would be impossible for you to marry while you are Regent. And afterwards...well, that is entirely up to you. I have a suspicion that you are not finished discovering what you can do on your own, and it is best to know that before linking your destiny with another's. And when you do, whether I am here to see it or not, I know that it will be a credit to me."
Sabrina tried to blink away the tears in her eyes. "I hope so. I'll do my best."
"I know you will, child."
"But what is it with me that all the men I associate with fatherhood have this thing about dying?" she demanded, not quite joking. "King Baldaran, Tirqwin, now you...." She did not mention her own father, whose death had started the chain, but she knew Rayland and Scotty would catch her unspoken thought.
Rayland said, "We all die, Sabrina. Your own father went before his time, before he could prepare, it is true. But my brother was ready for his death, though it happened so suddenly in the end. I think he welcomed it, in many ways. And Tirqwin chose life, when he was forced to choose. Having done so, he will continue to do so. As for me..." He paused, then smiled, his eyes distant. "I have lived too intimately with Death to fear him. Besides, it is different for Miahns than for you. Some part of me will always be part of the Great Crystal. Every time Maratobia draws upon it, I will be there; those who go to meditate on the Crystal will enter a communion of which I am part. I am sorry you will not have that comfort yourself, but you will at least know that it is so."
Sabrina looked up, surprised. "And King Baldaran is there? And Shariara? Everyone?"
"Yes. Not our whole selves, but the pure essence of our spirits, our thoughts. We are connected through the Crystal in our lives, and even more so in our deaths. That is what makes us Miahn."
That is how they can bear it. All the tremendous losses aren't totally lost. How wonderful, Sabrina thought. She smiled. "Well, stay with us outside the Crystal for a long time, please."
"I'll do my best," he smiled. "Ah, here comes Lady Imari. And Miosch, precisely on time. Excellent! Dinner is almost ready."
He greeted Imari and Miosch fondly, then looked on with approval as Imari turned to Sabrina. "My lady," Imari said, "I cannot begin to thank you for your gift. It is truly beautiful, and brings me much joy."
Sabrina smiled, pretending not to notice the slight awkwardness Imari evidently felt. "I'm so glad it gives you pleasure," she replied. "Come and see my other roses sometime. Oh, speaking of that, I was wondering what you would think of my using the conservatory in the Guardian's apartments to grow my rosebushes."
Imari considered. "Those apartments have been disused for centuries, and will in all likelihood remain so. I do not see any objection."
"Thank you. I did not want to interfere with anything in the Council of Trême's authority."
"A wise policy," Imari said.
Sabrina wondered exactly when she should inform Imari of her plans to negotiate with Homeworld. Not at the dinner table, she thought firmly. But it had to be soon, before it became common knowledge among the Ministers. And I'll get Rayland's advice before I do it, she resolved, watching Rayland and Imari chatting comfortably together.
Miosch was standing nearby, having exchanged greetings with Scotty, who was no longer lounging but doing a respectable imitation of an officer. Sabrina wondered how to start the conversation she wanted to have with him, and finally blurted out, "I'm afraid I inadvertently deprived you of your lunch companion."
To her relief, he did not pretend not to understand her. "I did find Princess Sehaèri's departure a little precipitate. Was it on an errand for you?"
"No. A misunderstanding, which I hope to clear up when she arrives tomorrow. I am hoping she will become my Mistress of the Household."
He nodded approvingly. "She would make an excellent one. She is a very clear thinker, and has a gift for organization."
"Yes. I enjoy her company." Sabrina searched for a way to convey her message in an acceptably subtle manner. "I hope the two of you can resume your lunches; I know how much she enjoys them."
"I, too," Miosch said, giving her a quizzical look. But she thought he understood her.
______________
The dinner went better than Sabrina expected it to. She thought she had managed to call a truce with Imari and made her position fairly clear to Miosch, so, having achieved her objectives for the evening, she was able to relax a little. And when did my days become these endless lists of objectives? she wondered. It seemed she had an agenda with everybody, or everybody had an agenda with her, these days.
Her next agenda was with Sehaèri, the next morning. Aliza had arranged for Sehaèri to come half an hour earlier than the other ladies-in-waiting, and provided them with a plate of beignet-like pastries and some hot cocoa before discreetly retiring.
"Thank you for coming, your highness," Sabrina began. "I know your time off had barely begun."
Sehaèri tapped her fingernails on the side of her cup for a moment, then said, "I'm glad you asked me to come. I wanted to see you too. My lady...I'd like to resign."
Sabrina dropped the beignet she had just picked up. "Oh! Oh, no, Sehaèri, please don't do that. There's no need."
The princess' eyes flashed. "How could you know what my needs are?" she demanded.
Sabrina frowned, wiping her sugar-coated fingers on her napkin. "Let's speak plainly," she said. "I think we both know what the problem is here."
"Yes!" Sehaèri retorted. "And I will do the honorable thing, but there is no need for me to stay here to be tortured merely so you can gloat!"
She had sprung to her feet and started for the door. Sabrina called out, "Sehaèri!" in exactly the same tone she used to quell Mara's tantrums. It brought the princess to a halt, but she just stood there with her back to Sabrina.
"Whatever you think, there is no call for this sort of behavior," Sabrina continued sternly. "Come back and sit down." When Sehaèri did not move, Sabrina lowered her voice another notch and said, "You may be a princess, but right now you are still in my employ, and you will come here and sit down and listen to what I have to say. Afterward you may flounce out of here as petulantly as you like."
Sehaèri paused, then stiffly returned to her chair and sat down, ignoring her unfinished beignet like an offended statue.
"Thank you," Sabrina said. It seems to be my lot in life to deal with crotchety old ladies, closed-minded politicians, and spoiled princesses! Well, I'm certainly getting my practice in for if I ever have children. "Now. I have told my father, and Lady Imari, and just about everyone else who will listen that I have no intention of considering marriage while I am Regent. In fact I don't feel ready for marriage in any case, and if I do marry, it will not be for tradition, or social reasons, or any reason at all except that I love the man in question and want to spend my life with him. I don't feel like that toward anyone. I've made this clear to my father, who understands perfectly, and I tried to say as much to Miosch last night at dinner. In short, I've no designs on Miosch whatsoever, and the two of you have my blessing, whatever that's worth."
Sehaèri stared at her with wide, startled eyes, and Sabrina wondered if her unusually blunt speech had sent the Miahn into shock. Then the princess blinked and said softly, "I am sorry. I had no right to speak to you like that. I misjudged you."
Sabrina smiled sympathetically. "I do know what it's like, Sehaèri. Even the most level-headed people get irrational when they're jealous."
Sehaèri blushed, bending forward to finish her beignet. "Now that we've cleared that up," Sabrina said briskly, "the real reason I wanted to see you is that, as you're aware, I need a Mistress of the Household. I'd like you to take the post, if you want it."
Sehaèri's brown eyes got even wider. She finished chewing, swallowed, and bit her lip. "I... Are you sure, my lady?"
"I wouldn't be asking you otherwise," Sabrina replied, smothering a grin.
"But..." Sehaèri hesitated, then said, "But as time goes on and you get to know him better...Miosch, I mean..." She blushed as she said his name, then hurried on. "How do you know you won't change your mind?"
"Good question," Sabrina said. She felt relieved; from the way this conversation was going, she'd begun to be afraid she'd asked a spoiled child to take charge of her household. "But I've seen a lot of him already, you know, at family dinners and such, and he's advised me on military matters when Rayland isn't available. He's just not my type, Sehaèri. I mean," she added as Sehaèri began to bristle slightly at what she perceived as criticism, "he's a wonderful man, but just not the one for me. I'm quite certain of that. And he's not the least attracted to me either. Marriage would be a sentence of irritation and boredom for both of us, I'm afraid. I won't change my mind. I can promise you that."
"Then...if you can forgive my behavior earlier, I would very much like to be Mistress of the Household."
"Wonderful," Sabrina said, smiling in relief. "Everything is forgiven and forgotten. Now, let's invite the others in and have a real breakfast while we talk about who's going to replace you as lady-in-waiting."
Sehaèri smiled back.