***Four months later***
"Ugh, they've spread out...This is gonna take another hundred years!" Sasha whined in complaint, halting her horse beside our most recently slain titan as it evaporated.
"There can't be all that many left. Though I guess it'd go faster if we came out more often." Jean replied, pulling up beside me. This was our third expedition since we put the eradication plan into motion, but we were doing it a little differently than we used to.
Each time we went out, we broke off into smaller groups, focusing on specific sectors of what we now knew was an island to kill off however many we could find. Less camping, less exhaustion, but it was going to take a few months at the very least.
"Think about it this way, Sash...If we do this right, then we'll have endless land to raise livestock. More livestock means an endless supply of meat for your stomach." I explained, lazily leaning against the curve of my horse's neck. The brunette lit up instantly, which came as no surprise.
"It'll be getting dark soon, so we should start heading back, anyway." Connie pointed out, gazing up into the sky, which was beginning to lose its rich, blue colour. "It's my turn to report back to Hange, anyway."
Whenever we had to go back, I felt the urge to stay behind. Not forever, but it just seemed so peaceful out in the wasteland. No people, barely any titans. Still, it didn't seem as inviting as it once had.
"I'm gonna hang back. You guys go on ahead, okay?"
They all knew how I worked now, and they all trusted me to return to them, so I never had any issues just lingering behind for a while to clear my head. This time, however, even after Sasha and Connie had ridden off, Jean stayed put.
I hadn't ignored him, but I definitely had put some space between us since Shiganshina. I still had deep feelings for the man, but my mind just automatically jumped into defense mode.
"Are you going back out to the orphanage tonight?" He asked in an attempt to be casual, keeping his horse at an equal pace to mine as I started off slowly.
"Nah, not tonight. They had potential parents coming by today, so I keep my distance when that happens." I explained, both glad that they had a chance at having a family, but sad that I may not ever see some of them again.
"Fair enough." Jean hummed, obviously struggling to think of what to say to keep the conversation going. I didn't particularly want him with me, ruining my alone time, but he wouldn't have left if I had told him to. "Then, does that mean you're not busy..?"
Please don't...
"Jean, I-"
"H..hear me out, okay? I'm not expecting anything like...that...I just want to spend time with you. Normal, off the clock time. You've been working yourself half to death lately, between duties and the kids. We can just talk." The desperation in his voice was almost too much, and guilt washed over me like a heavy, wet blanket. It was there more often than not these days.
"Do what you want." I sighed, kicking my mount into a trot, which Jean mimicked instantly. It was my own fault that he was doing this, I knew that, and I couldn't be mad at him. Myself, however? I was always mad at myself.
"So...you really seem to be bonding with Odette..." Jean started, making an attempt to keep his eyes forward instead of on me. "Connie mentioned that last time he stopped by the orphanage she wouldn't let you put her down."
Nodding along, I continued to scan for stray titans, knowing full well that it would he a hard habit to break once we were finally free of them.
"Yeah, she's a good kid..." I certainly had more to say about the toddler, but everything that wanted to come out ricocheted off the walls I had rebuilt.
It wasn't just Jean that was throwing my mind for a loop. In my breast pocket, hidden away and gnawing at the back of my mind, was the crumpled letter Reiner had left for me. I still hadn't read it, and just as I had planned on possibly ripping off that band-aid, Kirstein had slapped another right over the top of it.
Probably for the best...
"You still haven't talked things out with Captain Levi, have you?" Jean asked, and I internally rolled my eyes.
"Nope." I responded curtly, feeling his eyes on me.
"It's been a while...Don't you think you sho-"
"Nope." Cutting him off, my hands gripped tighter around the leather reigns.
If he wasn't trying to pick a fight he was going the wrong way about it, that was for sure. Why was it any of his business? In what way could it possibly benefit him?
"(Y/N), you know I'm just trying to look out for you, right? I can't even begin to imagine what you went through, what you're still going through, but stagnating isn't healthy. You need closure." I just let the man talk, having to keep my lips sealed for a certain amount of time so I could be certain nothing I wouldn't be able to take back was said.
Heaving a sigh, I halted my horse and turned to face him, my posture poor and crooked now that I wasn't being seen as a captain.
"I know that. Of course I know that, but why would I willingly hurt myself more? Right now, I need my head screwed on straight, not just for my own sake, either. I've been saddled with too many responsibilities, the survey corps are struggling to rebuild, and Eren's in whatever messed up state he's in. I can't make room for a breakdown right now."
He handed me his torch. I have to see things through to the end.
"The way you're going, it's inevitable either way." His stare was piercing straight through me, and my discomfort rose, causing me to kick my mount into a gallop just to escape it. Without hesitation, Jean started after me, Easily overtaking me and skidding to a halt in my way. My horse very nearly lost its footing when it stopped, skittishly prancing on the spot. "No more running, (Y/N)! Be brave in all aspects, not just when your life is on the line!"
My scowl started strong, but quickly faded into something a little less aggressive as I calmed my horse. I didn't want to listen to him, but how could I not when he was right?
"I'll talk to Levi, alright? Is that what you want?" I groaned, the breeze growing into a harsher gust, as if trying to force my head up to maintain eye contact.
"The letter, too. From Reiner." There wasn't going to be any escape from the relentless man, and I knew that even if I tried to pull rank he wouldn't listen. When we were alone, we were completely equal.
Hesitating, I slowly reached into my jacket and pulled out the poorly folded paper, my hand closing tightly around it.
"Are you going to give me some privacy, then? Or would you get a malicious kick out of my suffering?" I questioned bitterly, and Jean physically recoiled.
"I'll circle around, if you don't want support. Still in your sights, but I won't bother you, okay?" His voice had softened, and I began to feel bad about my attitude. Jean wanted nothing more than to help me, but I just couldn't seem to fully accept that yet.
Once he had moved off, I opted to stay mounted as I unfurled the handwritten letter, letting the string drop to my horse's back, then the ground. The pen on paper seemed to jump out at me all at once, and I had to compose myself with a deep breath before attempting to read.
Dearest (Y/N),
To say that I am sorry would not even begin to justify my crimes.
I hurt you. I destroyed the people you loved. Your forgiveness is something I shouldn't even imagine asking for. I do not deserve it. We both know that.
There is so much I need to tell you, yet whilst I sit here writing this my mind has blanked. I have no doubt that we shall see each other once more when you reach Shiganshina, and I hope you survive to actually be reading this.
My heart longs to steal you away from your fated death upon that wretched island of devils, but I know you. You'd choose death over that in a heartbeat.
My grip on the letter was threatening to tear it in too, but despite my shaking, I continued to read his scrawled handwriting.
Marley is relentless. If Bertholdt, Zeke, Piek and I survive Shiganshina, then one of two things will happen. We shall either be killed for our titans, or sent straight back into the fray to finish what we started.
Why did I have to meet you?
Your mere existence threw my entire world into a tailspin, yet I could never dare imagine my life without you in it.
I can't kill you, even if my very life depended on it. I would choose yours over mine each and every time, without hesitation.
We are Eldians by blood. Our lives are cursed by the greatest of sins from the moment of our birth, yet for the first time in my life, when I was by your side, part of me wanted to fight that. Part of me truly believed, for your sake and perhaps, selfishly, my own, that we could beat the world, but it's impossible.
Each and every word hurt to read. I could almost hear his voice, speaking it aloud to me from somewhere far away.
Almost everything I did in this past year has been for your sake. I love you. I hate that I love you, (Y/N).
Your flesh, blood and bone is supposed to be monstrous, but I fail to see that. You were kind to me. You made me forget my fate, and I didn't realise how dangerous that was until it was too late.
I have often been wondering what could have been if I had just taken you that day. Would you have realised I had done it out if love? No. I know you. You likely would have somehow hated me more than you do in this very moment. That may be the only reason I left you behind, and even then I still regret it.
To answer the questions you asked me back then, yes. Yes, I did kill your brother in Trost, and apparently, according to Bertholdt and Annie, I killed Marco too. I have little memory of it, but he heard too much. Nothing I say or do can excuse or change that, but I owed you a proper answer.
I almost stopped at that point, but something spurred me to keep going, be it the urge for closure or just morbid curiosity and self loathing.
I wish I could tell you that things will be over once we face each other again, but I can't. We need Eren, just like we needed Ymir. Your people are not the only race we are at war with, and the power of the titans Eren possess are necessary for our victory. Marley's victory.
My offer still stands. I may not have many years left of my life, but if I had you by my side they'd be worth more than the longest of lifetimes. I'm sure you'll reject my offer, but I had to remind you. I had to.
As I write this, we're preparing for the arrival of the Survey Corps. The arrival of you.
I'm terrified of what may happen, and I'm positive that your presence will greatly harm my judgement. If I am killed, there is just one thing I want you to know.
You're a survivor. You have always been a survivor, and whatever happens, whomever you lose, you will keep on surviving. That's just how you are, whether you like it or not.
These may very well be the last words you will ever receive from me, but please, I beg of you, take them to heart.
No matter which side you choose - no matter who you choose, know that it was the right choice for you, because it was a choice that you made.
I am likely not making much sense now, but I hope that you are able to understand what I mean.
Please, consider my proposal, (Y/N). I really hope you do.
Yours,
Reiner Braun.
My eyes had barely brushed over his signature by the time my hands had began to shred the paper to pieces. My chest was tight and painful as his decimated words rained down upon my horse and the earth below, but I wasn't able to cry. It wasn't that I didn't want to, I just simply couldn't.
The fact that a small fragment of me still deeply cared for the traitor named Reiner felt like some kind of slow-acting posion, but the letter could very well have been an antidote. The damage had been done, but I was hopeful that it was the end of it, and no other part of me would fall victim to his existence.
Guiding my horse to turn, I set off in a lazy canter, not getting very far before I heard Jean begin to follow to catch up, silently riding along behind me. He had been right. No matter how badly it hurt in the present, I had needed to read it. Now I could leave it behind.
"So, are you-"
"It was full of regrets and proclamations that don't concern you. I'm fine, and thanks. Can we not delve into it right now?" My voice held no bite when I cut him off, and he sounded his acknowledgement, veering to ride up beside me instead.
"Sure thing. Let's head back home, yeah? We could use the rest." Jean suggested, and I nodded once, barely glancing in his direction as we started off home. I did have things I wanted to say to him, but they could wait. At least until I had my head screwed back on all the way.
At least until I let Levi try and plead his case...
.
.
.
.
.
.
***I arise from the grave, but only my typing hand, for I feel like a boiled ass.
I'm so sorry for, what, a year of delay? I started working again after 6 years of being gregnant/raising a small humanoid, started studying, plus other things that stole my focus away from writing. I'm going to try to update all of my stories whenever I'm able to, but man, I'm exhausted. Being an adult is rough.
I'm rusty, so I apologise if this chapter isn't great. I need to get back into the swing of writing stuff that isn't OC role-playing with my girlfriend 🤣
Next Time: Bleed Me Dry***