Niki.
"Baby Doll, are you ready?" Andy asks from the kitchen.
I flatten my mom's old dress. It's plain, with just two inch straps, skirt to my mid-thigh, and it's faded black. I pull my gown on too and rest my cap on my head.
"Yeah," I call back. I leave the bathroom and walk down into the kitchen. Andy is leaning against the kitchen counter, messing with his phone. As my Creepers hit the tile he looks up at me and smiles.
"God, you're gorgeous," Andy says, slipping his phone in his pocket, a goofy grin on his face. He picks me up as he hugs me and my feet kick a little, but he sets me down again and kisses me once.
"Are you ready to go?" he asks, picking up the keys to his car.
"Yeah," I answer.
It doesn't take us very long to get to get to my school. This last month leading up to graduation has been tough, but fortunately I stayed on top of my homework for tour so studying for finals wasn't as difficult as last year. Coming home to Andy every night helped too. It was a little more grueling because of the sleep schedule I put myself on for tour versus the one I have for school, and Andy certainly didn't like waking up at six in the morning every day when my alarm went off, but we've managed and now it's time for the payoff.
My family meets me in front of the gym. I get hugs from everyone, including my father (although we haven't really spoken since I moved out), and the girls showed up as well as CC and Ashley. I wasn't expecting so many people. I take pictures with everyone in my family, with Andy, with the girls, and with both bands. I even take pictures with the kids at my school. Most of them do it for memories, but some do it because they want to have a picture with a "famous person." Some people.
Finally, it's time to get in line. I let my family go to the gym and get all the way to the back of the line where the "z"s are for Zandy. I'm the last person, of course, but I don't mind. The girl in front of me talks to someone on the phone the entire time. As I wait, I zip up my gown and readjust my cap.
We finally move forward and into the gym. The stupid graduation song is playing as we file in, the sounds of our friends and family talking loudly behind us. It takes about ten minutes before the ceremony actually begins.
Forty-five minutes pass. A motivational speaker makes a speech, my principal makes a speech, the head of the school board makes a speech, and finally it's time for the valedictorian, who I can stand a little more because at least it's a student. It's cheesy and sentimental, but she did say "shit" in part of her sentence so we all cheer her on because of the profanity. We'll cheer at anything by now.
Soon, the applause becomes continuous as one by one people receive their diplomas. My row is last and gets ours about half an hour after it started, and when I receive mine my whole family cheers and smiles and waves. My principal hugs me before I head back to my seat.
"Graduates, please stand," he says into the mike.
I remain standing as I find my seat. My whole life has been leading up to this.
"Move your tassels from one side to the other."
We all do so.
"I now show you the graduated class of twenty-twelve! Graduates, I wish you good luck in your every en devour!"
All of the graduates lift their hats up and throw them in the air. I do too, just 'cause I'm a sap, then I catch it as everyone starts dispersing. It's a mess of people hugging and cheering and crying and it's basically just a big stew of sweat and tears. I squeeze by most groups and just smile at them all, stopping occasionally for pictures or hugs and compliments.
Finally, I'm with my family. My parents hug me simultaneously and tightly, my mom crying and my dad whispering how proud of me he is. Tim hugs me, Riot squeezes me, Ashley, CC, and the girls all hug me, and finally I find Andy.
Andy is standing there, his eyes proud and happy, his posture open. He opens his arms and I nearly fall into him. He picks me up and spins me, kissing my hair as he does. "I'm so proud of you," he whispers. "My girl has a diploma. I'm so proud." He hugs me again.
We all talk and everyone is so excited. I'm hugged by everyone multiple times and my parents, CC, and Andy gives me flowers. I hold three bundles in seconds.
To celebrate, my family takes me out to dinner. It's mostly cordial with me and my dad, but it's still so much fun. I'm surrounded by the closest people to me and I know that I'll never have to deal with this shit again. I can move onto bigger opportunities and not feel so crushed with anxiety or angst or anger from school. It's exhilarating.
After dinner with my family, Marissa invites us to her house so we can celebrate. She bought wine and whiskey, which is apparently a theme in my life now, but we drink anyway and celebrate and have fun. I couldn't wish for a better way to close this chapter of my life.
"Babe, I got my prom pictures," I say, walking into our room. "And this stuff is for you."
Andy looks back at me from standing at the end of the bed. He has his suitcase in front of him and a few things thrown haphazardly on the bed. He takes the envelopes from me to look at them. "Bills, bills, bills, bills," he says. "Nothing important. Let's see those pictures."
I laugh as I open my envelope. Inside are several copies of different sizes of the same pictures. They took three, one of which was just a traditional prom pose, one was of us smiling at each other, and one was of us kissing.
"These are so cute," I say.
"Well, we were the best couple at your prom," he says, "although it was still weird to be there."
"Why?" I ask.
"I mean, I didn't even go to my own prom. Going to yours was great, but I was the oldest person there."
"There were teachers there."
He rolls his eyes and kisses me once. "Those are good pictures," he agrees. "I have to pack for the UK, though."
I sigh. This'll be the first time he leaves me for tour, although it's just a little one. They're playing Download and going to the Kerrang! Awards in the UK, then they're going on a little tour with Motley Crue and Slash in Europe. It's only for a few weeks, so it's not going to be that bad.
I sit on the bed, setting my phone and the pictures down on what's become my nightstand. "Is the UK cool?" I ask.
He glances at me as he folds up a cropped blazer, since he's dressing nicely for the Kerrang! Awards. "Yeah. The rock vibe is a little more prevalent over there, so when we play shows we have less assholes who think they're cool and more people just enjoying the set."
I nod, although on the bed you can hardly tell. "And my two favorite bands are gonna' tour together," I say.
He smiles. "Yeah. Those show's will definitely be cool. Nikki is such a nice dude."
"I hope one day I get to go to the UK," I say. "I mean, I've always wanted to play Download, but if the rock vibe is cooler over there it'd be cool to visit. Even in LA you forget about it sometimes."
Andy folds something else into his suitcase and looks up at me. "Do you want to go?" he asks.
"That's what I just said," I tease.
"No, I mean tomorrow. Like, come with me," he says.
I look at him. "I can't. I don't have a passport, nor do I have the money for a ticket."
"There's a passport place in the city where I got mine," he says. "And I'll get your ticket. It's fine." He smiles at me. "You've really never been out of the country?"
"Nope. Not even once," I tell him. I feel excitement in a little pit in my stomach. "The guys wouldn't mind?" I ask.
"Nope," he says. "Besides, Jake's bringing his chick to Download, so you'll have someone to hang out with."
"I'll have to leave after Download," I say. "I have that meeting with Jason Flom."
"I know. And I wouldn't want you on such a debaucherous tour like Motley and BVB."
I lay back. "I wouldn't want to ruin your guys' fun, though. Download is going to be a big show for you guys."
"You wouldn't ruin it," he says.
"I know, but you act differently when I'm not around," I say. "All guys do. And it's not a big deal, but you've spent, like, every day with me for the last five months."
"Then come for the Kerrang! Awards and leave before our show on Saturday. Friday we're just hanging out." He smiles again. "Stop trying to talk your way out of it. Three days in the UK will be plenty to have fun with us and not ruin our show, although you wouldn't anyway."
"Are you sure?" I ask.
"Yeah, honey." He tosses a semi-folded shirt in.
I smile and crawl over to the edge of the bed, where he leans in and kisses me when I lean up to kiss him. "You're seriously the best, you know that?" I ask.
"Yeah, I know." He smiles and gives me a peck. "Now you have to pack. We gotta' get your passport and we both have rehearsals today."
I get off the bed and get my duffel bag out from underneath. I'm going to the UK!
Getting a passport took a while, but after that rehearsals was easy and the plane ride was a good way to relax. The guys said they didn't mind that I'm tagging along.
Wednesday night, when we landed, we both got to the hotel and crashed immediately. Everyone was tired from the trip.
Tonight is the Kerrang! Awards. Andy told me to bring a dress, so I brought the little black dress I wore to the first award show we went to. Everyone dresses up, Andy especially, with his all black suit and dark eye make-up, and now we're on our way to the show.
The guys are all being rowdy and drinking. Andy not so much, but I keep telling him to drink as much as he wants because I shouldn't hold him back. And now that we're here, I can legally drink too. I don't drink quite as much though.
As we arrive, all of the guys get out of the limo first. I wait for them before getting out too, which Andy helps me out. I stand a few feet back from them when they're getting their pictures taken, but Andy pulls me in for a few.
Inside, there's a bunch of tables. It's kind of like a banquet. We have to wait a while before BVB actually wins Single of the Year for "Rebel Love Song". Andy makes a short speech and tells the people who are upset to "suck it," but when they come back they're excited and I give Andy a few proud kisses.
We all go out and party a little bit before going to the bus. We're making the two hour drive up to Leicestershire and spending the night at a hotel there.
Once we're there, the guys all party a little bit in Ashley and CC's hotel rooms before we all head back to our rooms. Ella, Jake's girlfriend, meets him at the hotel and they have a lot of catching up to do, so they leave a little early. Andy and I separate from everyone once Andy's feeling a little drunk.
Friday is too much fun. They have passes to all three days although they're playing Saturday. It's all the punk bands that are playing today, so Andy, Ashley and I are super stoked. I have to see While She Sleeps, but we also see Slash. Most of the day, however, we're near the mainstage. Andy runs into a ton of people he knows backstage, and since he has that pass I'm allowed to walk with him and Ashley. The day is a lot of fun and the crowd is a lot cooler.
Finally, we're back at our hotel room. I feel grimy from the day of being at the festival, so I decide to take a shower.
This weekend has been so much fun. I love that he's made me feel so included, and I feel so proud to be able to call him my boyfriend. He's making a name for himself and his band and it's fucking incredible. And this entire weekend he's kept me in the group and he's made sure that I'm having fun.
I honestly think tonight's the night that we have sex. I don't feel like I could be more in love with him.
I make sure that my soap actually stains my skin with it's perfume. I shaved my legs the night before so I'm not worried about that. I don't want my hair to be wet when we actually do it, so I dry my hair once I'm out. I brush my teeth and comb my hair.
I don't think there was this much preparation with Adam. It just sort of... happened. We were at his house and it all kind of culminated into losing my virginity. I want to be prepared for this one though. This night's a little more special.
Am I going into this without make-up? I've never done that before. Never have I ever had sex without any eyeliner on. I look so young without it.
Fuck it. He loves me anyway.
With his Misfits tank top (of which I've now stolen as my own) and just a cute pair of underwear, I leave the bathroom, steel in my stomach and actions.
Andy's out on the balcony smoking a cigarette, having not gotten ready for bed yet. There's a little table and two lounge chairs set up, one of which he's sitting at, and he has his head rested back on the glass door behind him.
I poke my head around the corner. "Hi," I say.
He sits up and smiles at me. "Hey, Baby Doll," he says. He opens his arms for me, so I come out and sit on his lap. It's a little chilly outside, but my goal is to get us inside.
Andy kisses me as he puts out his cigarette. "Did you have fun here?" he asks.
"Of course," I say, smiling. "Coming here was great. I got to hang out with you guys and see you win an award for a song you wrote and visit another country. This was amazing."
He smiles at me. "Good, baby," he says. "I'm glad you had fun. I had fun too. I got to share a lot of rad moments with you and the guys."
I nod and lean into him, awkwardly resting my head on his shoulder. I swallow my anxious excitement so I can say, "Maybe we should go inside."
"Are you cold?" he asks.
I sit up. "No, I just..." I look at him. He's just looking at me, waiting to hear what I have to say. "I just want to go inside."
I'm not sure if he catches on to what my idea is, but he raises an eyebrow like he does. I stand up and walk in with him. I pull him by his hand to bed, where I sit down before him. "Straight to bed, hmm?" he teases.
I make a bold statement. "But not to sleep."
This is when it clicks for him. His eyes light up with excitement but he tries to stay neutral-looking. Instead he leans in to kiss me, and I throw an arm around his neck and pull him closer. He stays standing above me. I manage to get his thermal off and pull him closer so he's on the bed.
He leans back in to kiss me. I can feel his hand on my waist and he pulls my shirt up and over my head. Once again, instead of grabbing me immediately he instead pulls me closer so we're chest-to-chest. I can feel his heart rate quickening against me, and I know mine is probably racing too.
Andy's lips move along my body. He murmurs,"God, you're fucking gorgeous," along my arm. He places kisses in spots not usually kissed on my body, which creates a completely different atmosphere. When I had sex with Adam, we knew it was sex. He would kiss my body, but they were very sexualized kisses. Sex was sex to us. And although I hate comparing Andy to Adam, Adam is all I know.
"Hey."
I'm snapped out of my thoughts as I meet Andy's eyes again. "What?"
"You still with me?" he asks, his eyebrows raised in the cutest way.
I can't help but smile at him before I lean in and kiss him again. His lips pull away from mine and touch my breast. If I wasn't getting turned on before, this definitely starts me up. One of Andy's hands caresses my side, his thumb rubbing along my hip bone. He gently bites down and I moan into his hair. His arm wraps around my waist as he moves onto the other one, and his free hand holds the other.
"You smell good," Andy states, his head still down.
"Thanks," I reply, and I know that this kind of breaks the sex field around us, but he instantly fixes that when his hand moves down to the front of my panties. "Fuck, you're soaked," he says.
I kind of blush, although it isn't because of embarrassment. He's smiling against my collarbone before I pull away enough to look at him. With that same, boyish smile that I love he asks, "Is this all 'cause of me?"
"I mean, duh," I say, kind of teasing. I'm about to tell him about how he makes me hot out of the blue sometimes but he interrupts me by sending his hand down my panties. I'm on edge already because of how horny he's getting me, so when he starts touching me I'm putty in his hands. I moan his name into the air around me, feeling the muscles in his shoulders move and flex in my palms.
"I knew it," he murmurs against my throat. His fingers slip inside of me and make me moan again. Although the feeling is out of this world, I force myself through the haze enough to work on his belt and the front of his jeans. Seeing him hard adds something else to my experience and I'm suddenly a lot warmer. I reach into his pants and pull out his dick, stroking the best I can.
This is enough to get Andy to stop and start pulling down his pants. His zipper gets stuck on his belt, though, so he has to stand up to fix his pants. I get a chance to sit up and actually onto the bed as I watch him. The fix is quick, so I get to watch as he pushes his jeans down for me, and I bite my lip. He's so incredibly attractive. With his tattoos and piercings and demeanor, just looking at him like this makes me hot. He isn't at all shy either. His confidence about himself rolls off of him in waves, as it usually does. It just makes me happy.
With a quick ruffle of his hair, Andy joins me in my bed again, crawling over me and kissing me. This is as close as our bodies have ever gotten to each other. The only thing separating us, which frustrates me immensely, is my panties. He kisses me, though, in that way that's difficult to explain. It's like... It's like wanting to fuck more than anything but wanting to cuddle too. It's a needy but very loving kiss.
"I suppose we should get these off," he murmurs, his face hardly above mine.
By now, I'm too shaky to reply. I'm not particularly scared or nervous, I mean we've done all of this stuff before, but he's only the second guy I will have slept with. It's another strange sensation to describe.
Andy kisses my forehead before sitting back. He grabs the waistband of my panties and starts to pull them down. I lift my hips when needed and when they're off Andy simply tosses them to the pile of clothes by the bed. He looks at me for a second, which he didn't exactly do before, and it's a little nerve-wracking.
"Mm, c'mere," he says, his voice low and velvet-y. He lays down on his stomach and pulls me down a little, then he wraps his arms under my thighs. This could get me shaking.
To think of it, Adam hardly ever went down on me. The times he did go down on me were mediocre, usually, and I had to fake my orgasms sometimes. I don't take this personally because we were the only people we'd ever had sex with before, so he didn't really have any idea of what he should be doing. In a way that's sweet because all of his experience is with one girl, which is the girl he loved. Andy would have more experience, right?
Oh fuck, he has more experience!
When I look down at Andy, his eyebrow is raised. "You okay?" he asks.
"Whatever you just did was amazing," I say.
He chuckles. "Trust me, that's only the start."
Oh my God. As Andy starts I can already feel a building sensation in the pit of my stomach. I try to blame this on how turned on I was earlier, but I know it's because I've never gotten eaten out like this before. He knows what he's doing with himself. He's not just there trying to figure out what feels good. He knows what feels good.
I can usually contain my moans. I kinda had to learn how so when Adam was over we could do this without getting caught, not that what we did would make me want to scream out. Tonight, though, it's a little harder. I don't want to scream now, but my vocal cords aren't exactly quiet tonight.
"Oh fuck, Andy," I moan. He did that thing again. I don't even know what the fuck he's doing but it's amazing. I grab onto his hair but also run my fingers through it.
Andy knows where I'm at. He slides his hand up from my waist to my breast and massages it as he does that thing that feels good. It's kind of like... Like nuzzling. Like what a cat does with your hand, only he's doing it with his tongue. My hands are gripping onto the sheets as that feeling in my stomach grows and grows. There's such an intense build-up leading to this that I've never had before. It's more heightened but also bigger, if that makes sense. I can feel my body pushing more and more from me as he keeps going. As his hand squeezes I moan my loudest, and after him doing that thing one more time I lose it. I'm coming, my hips having left my control and my vocal cords announcing the action. He does the same as before, rubbing small circles over my clit with his thumb just to keep me going until I'm done. When I am, I'm breathing heavy again.
After my hips fall back to the bed, Andy sits back up. "Looks like someone's never been eaten out before," he says.
"I have been," I say, "just not like that."
He laughs. "Glad I could show you how it's supposed to be done." As he leans over me again, he holds my waist in one hand and kisses me.
I make the sudden realization that this is it. We're about to actually have sex for the first time together. Unless of course he wants me to return the favor, which I'd gladly do, but even still it would just be us prolonging the inevitable.
Oh my God, we're actually about to have sex. What if I'm not good at it? I'd like to think I am but I've only had sex with one other boy before, and we lost our virginities to each other so neither of us knew if it was good or bad. I mean I've read things and watched other things and picked up a few tricks, but what if Andy and his experience with other girls makes him disappointed in me?
Our lips naturally pull away from each other and we kind of just look at each other for a moment. His hair is disheveled and there's a little bead of sweat above his eyebrow from the heat of this room without the fan on and his eyes are loving above everything. "Are you ready?" he asks.
I bite my lip. "Yeah."
He kisses my forehead again. He sits up to grab his wallet from the nightstand, which I question until I realize he's going for a condom. I grab his arm. "You don't need that," I say. He gives me this look like Uh, yeah I do until I say, "I've been on birth control for, like, five years remember? We don't need to use a condom if you don't want to." I don't want to, I mean it feels better without one, but if he wants to that's his decision.
My heart starts racing as he forgets the foil packet on the nightstand and sits up again. This is it. This is the moment the night has been leading up to.
I can vaguely remember the first time Adam and I ever had sex. It was awkward and not at all very sexy. There was this whole debacle with breaking my hymen and although we were in love and definitely fixed it through practice, it probably wasn't the best thing to think about in a situation like this.
Andy pulls my legs apart a little further and holds them that way with his hands. He looks me in the eye and kisses me one more time. The head of his dick pushes against my clit and gets me back into the vibe. I get incredibly turned on by the way Andy looks- his strong shoulders and long arms, the way his body slims down and the way his hips look, the v-lines showing prominently. I push my nervous thoughts away and feign confidence; I mean fake it until you make it.
And then, slowly and suddenly all at once, Andy is pushing himself in.
Both of us gasp at the feeling. I'm probably pretty tight from the lack of sexy times in the last six months and he's huge so he feels way different than Adam. He doesn't even go in all the way before pulling out. He pushes in again, going all the way this time. Man, he can go fucking deep. I softly moan when he's completely in. I can feel him get slightly more excited if possible, and the look on his face says he wants to start. I bite my lip up at him in a way to agree.
With his hands still holding my legs apart, Andy starts moving at his own pace. He starts at a good pace, not one too fast, one that's getting both of us worked up. He feels much different than Adam did but in such a good way. I mean, it's one thing because Andy's bigger, but the way he moves. He thrusts like he knows exactly where to go, knowing exactly how to make me enjoy this experience too.
"God, Baby Doll," Andy murmurs. He lets go of my legs to put his hands in front of him, bringing his face closer to mine.
I moan with him, this feeling better than anything has before, and grab onto his hair and shoulder. "Fuck, Andy," I moan for him.
"God, you're fuckin' perfect." He ends his statement with a harsh thrust. "Let me go faster."
"Please," I moan.
Indeed he begins going faster. I can't help but moan louder than before. The sensations I feel are building up with every thrust and pushing more sounds from my vocal cords. Before much longer I'm moaning, "God, fuck me harder, Andy." He quickly obliges and long, harsh thrusts that leave me begging for breath. This alternates for several minutes as both of us exchange curses and professions of pleasure and love. It's honestly the best I've ever physically felt.
As Andy slows down again, I stop him. This is my roller coaster to ride after all. We switch spots. When I settle onto his dick, it's even further than before and I feel even better if possible. I start riding him, grinding on him when my hips feel it's necessary. I've lost control of them too. They're having a field day instead. Andy removes my hands on his chest and pulls them down to the bed so I'm lower. When he does this he kisses me and grabs my breast. I grind on him to be easier on me and he moans into my lips. "Baby Doll," he murmurs.
"You like that?" I ask, trying to be sexy.
Andy stops me from moving and starts thrusting upwards, showing me how much he liked that. I'm moaning loudly now, unable to stop myself. "Fuck," I moan, nearly shouting. I sit up to start moving again, but that's still relatively slow compared to Andy's pace. He seems to like it better though and instead just holds my breast as I ride him. We're both moaning now, Andy being pretty straight-forward with how he feels as I move up and down on him. I can feel him as I move, and I have to work harder to get up further than I did with Adam.
It's as I'm grinding on Andy again that he stops me. "Hang on, baby," he says, holding my hips. This is kind of code for get off during sex, so I get off. He pulls me onto my side and scoots up behind me, basically spooning me.
I had tried a lot of things with Adam, but we'd never tried this. It's not that it's too complicated or scary or anything, I just think that Adam didn't like it because he didn't go as far in this position. With Andy, though, as he pushes in there is no problem with that. I get to lean into Andy's body as his strong hand hold one of my legs up and the other curls under me to hold onto my breast. "Shit. This'll make me come," Andy murmurs.
I know what this means. I rev up my moaning a little, trying to inflate his ego and aide his orgasm. He pushes my leg back down again and fucks me hard, doing exactly what he wants. This makes me hotter though. I've never been fucked like this before. That feeling in the pit of my stomach is tensing again.
"Talk to me," Andy moans.
As in talk dirty? I didn't know he was into that. I was never an expert, but I'm pretty sure I can do this.
"You like fuckin' your girl?" I start. "I want you to come, baby."
"Fuck," he groans. He goes harder, making me moan louder.
"God, come so hard you see stars," I say. "I want you so bad."
This is when Andy goes into overdrive. He's going as hard as he can go while going as fast as he can, and both of those sensations are driving me crazy. My moans are nearly loud enough for the neighbors to hear and are no longer coherent. Behind me I can hear his voice getting rougher, the curses and moans getting raspy. He hits this spot as he does this that makes me moan in a weird, kinda' dirtier way and this sound pushes Andy over the edge. His hands tighten on my thighs and he moans into my hair. His thrusts become sloppier, more rugged and intense. It's this feeling doubled with the sensation of him coming inside me that flips me over the edge again. My muscles tighten and my moans peak for another few moments, riding out mine as Andy finishes his. He stops moving as I start descending off of Cloud Nine and back down to Earth.
Andy pulls out of me slowly, his hands still gripping onto my leg and breast. When he's out he immediately pulls me into him, and I turn so I'm facing him. We remain quiet for the next several minutes, our breathing the only sound and movement.
I just had sex with Andy. I just had the best sex of my life with Andy. We had sex, and it was amazing for both of us. It's a weird thought to think over what just happened and realize we both enjoyed it. Sex with Adam meant he was enjoying it one moment, I was enjoying it another, but we both pretended we were enjoying it together. Especially in the last year or so of our relationship. That's when it got really difficult for me to muster up the energy to go through sex with him. Fortunately for me it didn't usually last that long.
Andy felt perfect. The way he moved and his reactions and the way he looked... I didn't even have to think about it. He knew how to make me feel good or change so it did. I guess that comes from experience. And the way he took control... It's not like he was being an all-dominant force, using me to make himself feel good, but he knew what to do for the both of us. He didn't leave room for questions or uncertainty, he just did. I've never had sex like that.
"How you feelin', Baby Doll?" Andy's voice is gruff but velvet-y, gravelly but soft because of the volume. He kisses my hair.
It's hard to put the feeling into words. I look up at him with a small smile on my face. "Indescribably terrific," I answer.
He smiles at that. "Indescribably terrific," he repeats. "That's pretty good."
"I don't know any other way to put it," I say, resting my cheek back on his chest. "The English language is failing me."
He kisses my forehead and rubs my back. "You're probably the most beautiful girl I know," he says. "I've never seen a more gorgeous girl."
"What can I say? Good genes."
He chuckles deeply. "I mean internally too."
"As in my organs? When have you seen those?"
"Shut up." I giggle as he laughs and lightly pinches me. "I was being cute and you ruined it."
"You're always cute," I say.
We lay there for a moment before he says, "Now I don't want you to leave."
I ignore the impulse for another sarcastic response. I look up at him instead and say, "I don't want to leave either."
He simply kisses my hair before bringing me closer again. "Having responsibilities is terrible," he sighs.
I nod and wrap my arms completely around him, hugging him closer.
We hold each other in silence again for a long time before Andy asks, "Do you ever think about everything you've ever done?"
I nod up at him, lifting my head. "Particularly right now."
"What are you thinking about?" He brushes my hair back.
"What happened tonight."
He smiles and sits up to kiss me. "Tonight was a lot of fun."
l smile up at him as he leans onto his side. He drapes his arm over my stomach after bringing the cover up to only my waist.
We look at each other for a few seconds without talking. Finally I sigh and pull him closer to kiss him again. He does so before resting on my shoulder, curling up to me the way I usually curl up to him. "I don't get how my dad doesn't like you," I say.
"Well, he liked me until you grew up," he replies.
"I have such a weird family."
"I wouldn't say so. They seem pretty normal."
I laugh and look at him. "I'll have to tell you the story one day."
"What story?" he asks, looking up at me.
"My whole family story. Why my mom is the way she is and why my dad grew up the way he did."
He looks at me through one eye, which makes me smile. "Must be a long story," he says, sitting up. He kisses me and let's his arm stretch out. When I hear the drawer open, I pull away to question him with a look. He kisses me quickly again, moving his head to block my vision of his arm. I keep kissing him, but my curiosity is obviously peaked.
"Do you love me?" he asks, pulling away.
"Of course I do." I raise an eyebrow at him. "Why?"
"I'm just verifying," he says, pecking my lips. He finally returns to his initial position and rests a little box on my stomach. I sit up as I grab it and look at him. When I pull it open, it's a simple silver band. I take it out and look at it, and engraved on the inside are the words "I promise".
"Andy," I say, looking at it.
"Do you promise?" he asks, looking at me with a small smile.
"Of course I do!"
He takes the ring from me and slides it over my ring finger on my left hand. "I promise too," he says, taking the box. He takes out the velvet ring holder to get the bigger silver band from underneath and slides that onto his own finger. "I want to be here for when you want to tell me that story."
I smile at him and kiss him, setting the box on the nightstand. He holds my face, and I feel the cool silver against my cheek. I can't help but smile as we lower back to the sheets, and soon he's pulling my waist closer to his.
The following morning is difficult. Pulling your body from the sheets is difficult as it is, but doing it when you're attached to the sweetest boy in existence is nearly impossible. I decide to travel home in his tank top when I get dressed, since it smells like him. We kinda hang all over each other all morning, kissing whenever I do anything. When it's finally time to leave, it's super difficult.
In front of the cab, Andy hugs me again. "Call me when you land, okay?"
"Of course," I say. I pull away a little. "I love you."
"I love you too," he says. He leans in and kisses me again.
The kiss is clingy and heavy, and it's not entirely the cleanest kiss because of how heavy it is. I finally have to pull myself away for the cab driver's sake.
When I get in, Andy closes the door and I blow him a kiss. He pretends to catch is and puts it in his pocket, 'cause he's fucking lame. I still smile at him because I can't help it, and he waves as we pull off.
The cab driver and I make pleasant conversation until we get to London, where he drops me off at London Heathrow. I check myself in and don't have to wait super long to get onto the plane.
The entire flight back, I think about what's going to happen when I get back and what happened in the last few days. I go back and forth with being in love with Andy and starting my career (hopefully) with Lava Records. Andy introduced us and set up this meeting, so I'm really hoping it goes well. And every time I look down at my hands, I smile to the seat in front of me. I'm the happiest I've been in a long, long time.
"Are we supposed to dress nicely?" Riot asks.
"I mean, we shouldn't look trashy," I say, sitting on his bed in my parent's house. He and Ashley haven't moved in together yet.
He looks at me. "You make everything look so easy," he says. "It's hard to be a gender-fluid boy with high standards, y'know?"
I laugh him off and stand up with him, looking at his closet. I pick out one pair of pants with no holes in it, a male tank top, and a dress shirt. "Here. Simple and rocker-ish and totally you."
"Yes, it looks like I'm going to a funeral. My aesthetic." He looks at me as we laugh together. "Can you get me my binder?"
I go to his drawers and pull it out of the top. He still has the same binder I bought him when he realized he was gender-fluid and not completely male. That way he can have breasts if he wants to, but when he chooses not to he can still be just a man.
He takes off his shirt and pulls it on, clipping the side in place. It works pretty well for being an old one. After that he pulls on the rest of his clothes and runs his fingers through his hair. "Messy?"
"Messy," I agree. "You look hot."
He smiles. "I always look hot," he says. "Are the girls on their way already?"
"Yeah," I answer. "We should get going."
"We're taking my truck. I'm not letting you fuck up your hair," he says.
"That's the whole style," I tease. "Straight and carefree, although not messy." Riot always teased me about how I let my hair go.
He rolls his eyes. "It actually looks decent so we're going in the truck."
We hurry downstairs and into the truck. Upon texting everyone, they're all on their way. We're meeting at a restaurant in downtown LA to discuss the demo we sent to the record company and, if they liked it, our contract. This is a big moment for the band.
We get there a few minutes before we planned. I didn't want Jason Flom waiting on us. Riot and I get a table for the seven of us, that being the band, Andee, and Mr. Flom. Andee, Marissa, and Ana show up before Jason Flom, and when he comes in I have a silent freak out moment but April comes in quickly and gets in before he can notice.
We all stand up when he walks over to our table. We all shake hands with him and he greets us with smiles before sitting down. Everyone orders drinks and makes small talk until we actually order, and that's when we get down to business.
"Is this your manager?" Mr. Flom asks.
"Yeah. My name's Andee Mitchell," she introduces.
"What is your experience in music?"
She already has this answer perfect, since she's kind of a nobody in the industry. "Well, I worked in music shops growing up and fell in love with the way it sounded, so I went to college and became a producer. I've also gone on the road with many bands as a crew person and learned the ins and outs of touring and shows and the different styles and representations of music. I still assistant produce a lot of underground bands, but when I met Riot and Niki-" she glances at us, "and they were talking about this young band and needing a manager, I figured I could do it."
"All that? How old are you? You seem so young to be experienced," he says.
"I'm twenty-nine."
"Wow." He looks around the table. "So, how did you meet Andee?" he asks me.
"At the time, Andee still worked at Amoeba records off of Sunset. One day Riot and I were just window-shopping and we struck up a conversation with Andee and were talking about needing a manager once the band got together, and she said that when we did to call her. She's been really great." I smile at her.
"Very cool," he replies, an easy smile on his face. "How did the whole band come together, eventually?"
"When we were starting out, I knew Marissa as a percussionist from the high school band. I had no idea she's a metal head who can play double bass pedals like they're nothing," Riot says. "So we got her in."
"And then I asked them if we could include Ana," Marissa elaborates. "We always talked about being in a band together, and Riot and Niki seemed really serious, so I asked if we needed another bad ass guitarist."
"The whole 'all-girl' aspect wasn't even a thought," Ana adds.
"Mostly girl," Riot jokes.
"And April is the newest member," I continue. "I was playing bass until we saw this crazy, fire-engine-red-haired pixie who was playing the bass like no tomorrow on the streets for tips. She was playing bass riffs she'd made on her own that were insane and we asked if she wanted to join."
"So it all kind of fell into place," Jason sums up.
"Yeah." All of us girls say it at the same time and laugh at each other.
He smiles at us. Our food comes then, so we eat and make more casual conversation or answer questions about the band and our ideas. Once again, he saves business for after the chaos of eating and conversations.
"So, the label listened to your demo," Mr. Flom says.
This gets all of our attention and we get quiet.
"I, myself, really enjoyed it. I like that you guys are influenced by many different styles of rock. I can hear influences from bands that I've worked with." He smiles. "A lot of the people at Lava/Republic were concerned by the eclectic-ness of your style, but I think it makes for-"
I'm distracted by my phone vibrating in my pocket. I pull it out and see Andy calling, a picture I took of him on our first tour together his contact picture. I silence it and refocus my attention.
"We have a lot of big names at Republic. A lot of people on the radio today are signed with us and that means we hold a very high reputa-"
My phone starts vibrating again. I glance down and see him calling again. I silence it and shoot him a quick text.
"Meeting w Flom. Call u later <3"
"With all these things considered, it's my honor to ask Veil the Romance to sign to a three record contract with Lava/Republic Records."
I think everyone, including myself, smiles a huge smile at the sentence.
"Now, this is a short contract to ensure that this decision is a good one. We will extend your contract before the final album's creation if we enjoy having you on the label and see a profit. It's all listed in here." He pulls out a manila envelope from the briefcase he brought in and hands it to my manager. "I'm sure that you'd like to go over this with your manager."
Andee's already working on pulling it out and reading it. It's a pretty big packet. She has the most experience in the music industry, so if anyone is going to read it through carefully and knowingly, it's her. She moves to the seat next to Jason so they can go over what most of the sections are and certain areas.
It's a long, nearly awkward silence as Andee carefully reads the contract. She asks if any of the agreements are negotiable, and he explains they will be if they decide to extend our contract. After that long, awkward pause, Andee looks at all of us. She looks at Mr. Flom. "Is it okay if I have a minute with the band?"
"Of course. Excuse me, I have to use the restroom," he says, standing and walking away.
"Okay, so this contract is legit," she says. "The band has a safe fifteen percent of profits from each record. That's pretty good for just a starting band." She looks at it for a moment. "There's nothing hidden within it. It explains the three-record contract. The 'territory' thing is about where they'll distribute it to, and so far it's only North America. There are few locations in Mexico and Canada included here, but it's mostly just the states. It says that Lava/Republic has exclusive access to all recordings you create as VtR. The artist royalties is the percentage, which I explained earlier, and mechanical royalties are also at fifteen percent. As far as recording, they pay for that and will not reimburse themselves from the band's money until you make a certain amount of money off of your records, which isn't a problem. That's basically it."
We all look at her as we soak it in. That all sounds fucking great. We all take a moment and look at each other, smiling and exchanging our excitement with our eyes.
Jason comes back and sits at the table. "Have we decided?" he asks.
I look at everyone again before answering for them. "Yes."
"Great! Then let's get you to sign," he says, smiling. He pulls a pen out from his pocket and hands it to Andee to sign first.
We go around the table, signing the contract. There's an excitement like the one when we signed the tour contract for our first tour. I'm the last to sign and I look at everyone's signatures.
Holy shit, we're doing this.
With one final glance at everyone, I sign my name on the empty line and give it to Mr. Flom.
He signs at the bottom after reviewing our signatures. He looks at us with a smile when he looks up. "Welcome to Lava/Republic Records."
I feel like cheering, but we obviously can't do that in front of a major label guy. So instead, we all cheers. From there, Jason has to leave so he thanks us and takes the contract back to his office.
We want to celebrate, so we go back to mine and Andy's house, after picking up booze, and celebrate there. Lunch was late at three in the afternoon, so when it ended it was nearly five. That being the case, it's very easy for us to get carried away and party and drink until nearly one in the morning. We watch movies and drink and talk about the future and do everything we're used to, and getting to hang out like this again is so much fun. When they finally leave, after sobering up of course, I'm too happy and exhausted to even think about the body missing in bed and fall asleep with a smile on my face.
I wake up slowly and on my stomach. There's a (thank hell) dull ache in my head from the alcohol consumed last night. I know it's late because my whole body is sore; if I sleep for much more than nine hours my body gets really achy. I look at my phone, which is plugged in on the nightstand, and it reads eleven forty-four. There's also a few missed calls from Andy.
It when I see those calls and stretch my limbs that I become aware of the limb slung over my waist. When I sit up and turn my head, I see Andy laying in bed beside me, also on his stomach, sleeping in his t-shirt and jeans. What's he doing home?
Slowly so as not to hurt my head more, I turn over completely and sit up and against the headboard. I gently nudge him. "Andy."
This is all it takes for Andy to move his arm closer to his body and wake up. He shuts his eyes tighter before opening them and looking at me. The light blue irises aren't as bright this morning as he looks up at me. He pushes himself up and sits beside me. He looks at me for a moment before going for a cigarette, which he never smokes so early in the morning.
"Andy, why are you home so early?" I ask. "And why are you upset?"
I can't deny that the sounds of lighting up of cigarette are great, what with the sounds of my zippo lighter igniting and shutting, but seeing him smoke doesn't actually make me crave one. It just worries me.
He takes a long drag before resting his head back on the headboard. "Did you get your record contract?" he asks.
I move closer to him. "Yes, I did," I say. "The meeting yesterday went really well. We signed a three record contract with them that they'll extend if they like us."
"That's what we were on until we recorded Set the World On Fire. That did so well they extended it to five." He takes another long drag, nearly half the cigarette down already. "I'm proud of you, baby," he says, looking at me. Although his smile is genuine, it doesn't match the sad eyes and disheveled appearance. He finishes the cigarette and puts it out in the ashtray. Quickly, he grabs the carton again.
I scoot forward, sliding my legs over his lap and take the cigarette from his lips before he can light it. "Andy, what's wrong?" I ask again.
He swallows hard and looks up. I know that move. It's the move you make to keep yourself from crying.
"My grandfather died," he says. He looks back down at me, his eyes red. He shakes his head and looks away. "They said he died in his sleep, which is great, but..."
I don't press further and hold him around the torso, trying to keep him together. He holds onto my arm for a moment before giving in and holding onto me too, resting his lips on my head. He starts crying, very gently, but I can feel the wet tears in my hair. I can't do very much to help. It's not okay and he has a right to be upset for a little bit. I simply rub his back as he cries and let him do so.
This must be really hard for him. He doesn't really believe in a higher power for his grandfather to go to, so the fact that he's completely gone to him must be so difficult. I don't exactly believe in a specific God or entity, but I believe in something. Be it science, like Andy, or a higher, spiritual power, I know something put me here. That's all I need.
"It's really hard because..." He sniffles and pulls away, wiping his eyes. "I mean, I used to go to his house after school when my parents worked. We were so close and talked about everything. He was on We Stitch These Wounds and he was such a huge supporter of me and what I want to do."
"I know," I say, because I do. Andy's spoken highly of his grandfather to me before.
"And I'm sorry for crying in your hair, but-"
I cut him off. "It's okay, Andy. Don't worry about it."
He moves to my shoulder instead, resting his eyes there. From his change in position, I can run my hands through his hair to try and comfort him a little more. I do this for a moment before pulling away and telling him, "C'mere."
He looks at me for a second. When I open my arms, he scoots over and down with me so that we're laying down together. He curls into me and I continue to run my fingers through his hair. He cries a little more, but once he stops he doesn't start again for the time we lay there. I don't push him to talk and he doesn't.
"The funeral is next Saturday," he says after a long time. "Would you go with me?"
"Yes, of course," I answer.
"Good. Thank you," he says. "I haven't been back to Cincinnati in almost four years."
This does and does not surprise me. I know he moved out to California when he was eighteen to really start BVB and get it going, but he hasn't gone back? They've played shows in Ohio, so why hasn't he gone back?
"Why not?" I ask.
He sighs and pauses. "I'd rather not talk about it right now."
"Okay." I dismiss the issue for us, but it's still a question I want to know later on.
"Thank you for being here," he says. "For me, anyway."
"I'll always be here when you need me," I respond. "I promised, remember?"
And even with the sorrow surrounding him right now, I still get Andy to crack a small smile.
A week later, we're landing in Kentucky at around seven at night. Andy hasn't spoken the entire flight, his eyes out the window and his mind somewhere far beyond it. His hand occasionally squeezes mine, but past that I'm on my own for the flight.
We wait for everyone else before we get off, as our usual seems to be. He gets out both of our carry-ons and even carries mine, still quiet and distant. I have to stay close to him as we navigate the airport to the terminal, since I have absolutely no idea where anything is or how it sets up, but having a tall, darkly-dressed man as a guide is pretty fortunate for me.
When we get to the terminal, it only takes a moment for Andy to spot his parents' car. They wave at us before he opens the trunk and moves quickly, trying to get out of the mess that is the Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky International Airport. Before we get in the car though, Andy stops me and gives me a small kiss, thanking me (again) for coming with him.
It's twenty minutes from the airport in Kentucky to Cincinnati, so in that time his parents ask us how we're doing and make the usual small talk. Even with the funeral being our reason for coming, I'm still a little nervous because today's the day I meet his whole family. There's no reason for them to not like me, but I'm still just a little worried. I think it's normal.
When we get to Cincinnati, we still have to drive to their suburban house, which is another twenty minutes out, and they want to eat. There's an old diner that Andy used to go to all the time as a kid, so they decide to go there.
The diner is hollowed out and old, but it's very homey and nice. Andy instantly points out a little drawing of Captain Cold and Batman that he and Chance drew on a wall and it seems nostalgic.
Even with the comfort of his surroundings, Andy has his arm wrapped around me almost the entire night as if he's uncomfortable. He glances around occasionally, a slight paranoia in the gesture, but he always finds his way back to the table and just holds me closer. He also glances at me every once in a while.
His parents ask me tons of questions. Andy finally loosens up as we talk about me and how I graduated on time even with touring and the record deal I just landed. It's a lot of basic questions such as: Do I like the same music? What are the things I love doing? When did I become a fan of BVB? How did we meet?
They also bombard Andy with questions. They've seen him since he moved, but you can tell that they're excited that he's in Cincinnati. Those are basic questions about his life too.
We drive home after almost two hours of catching up. I've never been one for late nights, so I'm yawning and cuddling up to Andy in the car. Seriously, my bed time is the same time as when I was nine as far as my body is concerned. Andy just kisses my head and rests his cheek on it. His hand slowly intertwines with mine.
We finally get to the house, which I vaguely remember from a Chance and Andy video. After a few exchanges of goodnights and "I love you"s, Andy shows me his old room, which I try to stay normal while my inner fan girl goes crazy. It's decorated with posters and magazine articles and banners and looks like a seventeen year old outcast's bedroom.
"Your room is cool," I mumble.
Andy chuckles. "Yeah?" he asks.
"It seems a lot more like you than your house does," I say. "I mean, the posters and everything are representative of teenage years I guess, but then again I guess I still just kind of see you still as a young adult."
He chuckles once. "Young adult, huh?" he asks, stepping towards me. "What'll it take to make you believe I'm more of an adult than anyone?" He nuzzles behind my earlobe and pulls it into his mouth to nibble on.
"Andy," I say, pushing him and holding in my giggle.
He wraps his arms around me and kisses me once. "Go to bed, honey. I can tell you're tired. I'll be in in just a sec, I just have to talk to my dad."
I nod and yawn at his reminder of me being tired. "Mm-kay," I moan.
He smiles and kisses me once, then he steps out of his room.
I smile to myself and start changing. I slip my little shorts on Andy's Misfits tank top covers my chest. Once I wash my face with make-up wipes, I pull Andy's comforter up and and to my neck and wait, resting my eyes.
Although I'm not completely asleep, I sort of wake up when Andy comes in. He makes a big deal out of trying to keep quiet since he thinks I'm asleep. I watch as he gets changed out of his tight jeans and leather jacket and into an old Smiths shirt and his flannel pajama bottoms. When he turns and sees my eyes open, he asks, "Did I wake you up?"
I smile and shake my head. "No."
He runs his fingers through his hair as he walks towards the bed, and I lift the covers as he slides in. He holds me to him tightly and whispers, "You okay?"
"Yeah," I answer. "What about you?" I turn my body so I'm on my stomach and rest my chin on my hands so it won't bother him.
He sighs. "It's weird being back," he says. "I hate being here."
I kiss his chest. "You kept looking around in the diner," I say. "It was like you were waiting for something."
He sits up a little and rests his arm behind his head. "I'm just expecting everyone who made my life hell to recognize me and make this trip even worse. I just want to go home already. I mean, I love my family and it's so great seeing them, but at the same time I feel like I'm suffocating here. I couldn't want to leave more if I tried."
I breathe in his words. He really hates it here. I switch directions. "What did you want to talk about with your dad? Or it's okay if you don't want to tell me."
He just chuckles. "It's okay, Baby Doll. I just wanted to sit down with him again. You know boys, we always used to argue when I was a kid and I just wanted to apologize. He's one of my best friends still." He smiles and adds, "But you're my best friend."
I smile back and sit up to kiss him. He rubs my back before I lay back down.
Andy sighs, looking at me for a long moment, before he starts continuously rubbing my back. "You're my little piece of L.A. when I'm out here," he says softly, looking up at the ceiling. "Without you here, I might not have even come. I'm so nervous being back here in Cincinnati. At least you let me know that the last four years have been real and that I'm not going to be sucked into the past."
"Baby," I whisper.
He sighs. "Niki, I hate being here. Even last year at Warped Tour people recognized me. It was the worst experience I ever had here and I hated it. Kids from my school trashed our bus, threw bottles of piss at me, pushed our fans... I stayed in my bus the entire day because I was so done with Cincinnati. It just..."
I notice his whole body is tense and his hand on my back is clutching the fabric of the tank top. I sit up and kiss him, trying to soothe his injured youth, and hold him. "Fiend, it's okay," I whisper. "Let's just go to sleep, okay? Tomorrow we're going home. We're not even going to be here a full twenty-four hours. We'll be back in L.A. before you know it."
He nods and runs his fingers through my hair. "I love you," he murmurs.
"I love you too," I say. I kiss him once and curl up to his side, and he holds me tightly but rests.
The next day, we wake up early for the funeral at nine. Although black is a constant color in our lives, the black of this event is unsettling and sad. When we arrive at the cemetery, the colors multiply and a wave of sadness wash over me; this is why my mom never goes to funerals.
We're all sat in front of the coffin. People walk up and speak on his behalf or say something from the bible. Andy's hand is always intertwined with mine and he squeezes when someone says something that strikes a chord in him. He shifts uncomfortably several times either from his ADHD or his nerve from being here.
Finally, with a prayer, the ceremony is closed. Several white sharpies lay on his grandfather's grave and people stand, take one, and start writing on it. It's a simple gesture but so sweet that it makes me smile a little. After a moment Andy stands and pulls me along, taking a marker from someone and writing. I rub his back and wait for him to finish, and when he's done he offers the marker to me but I decline. I don't feel like I knew him well enough to write on his coffin. But I read Andy's statement.
"Grandpa, you were always the one who believed in me no matter what. Your voice, your words, your advice have all given me strength and I'm eternally grateful. I will always love and miss you. Andy."
"C'mon, lets go," Andy says. He sniffles and looks up, keeping his tears in place again.
We start walking away. We move to a cluster of his family and talk, our tones hushed and sad. People talk about Urban in genuine ways and he sounds like the greatest person in the world. When everyone has found their way to one side, we watch as the coffin sinks into the ground and solidifies his death. Andy wraps his arm around me and holds me tightly. I hold him from his side and hope I can give him some comfort.
After the funeral comes to a close, people collect in their cars and are going to his grandmother's house for the wake. The car ride is silent. Andy's fingers stay between mine the entire time, but his eyes watch the world outside his window.
The wake, as melancholy as it is, goes by okay. I meet a lot of his family and now that we aren't necessarily mourning it's pleasant conversation the entire time. Andy once again loosens up a little as he talks about the great memories he had with his grandfather, and when he has to introduce me to his family members he always smiles and kisses my temple. Catching up is nice for him and I finally feel his shoulders release some of their tension.
After a family reunion under sad circumstances, we return to Andy's old home. We only stay for an hour before it's time for us to pack up and go back to L.A. I change out of my dress and into the pair of skinny jeans I brought, but I realize I didn't bring another shirt. Andy lets me borrow his Smiths shirt.
Finally, we're saying our goodbyes to his parents. They talk about Andy coming back again soon and having to see him soon. They also give me huge hugs and approve of me.
So, within twenty-six hours, I've flown to Ohio, slept, ate, and attended a funeral, and am now back on a plane to Los Angeles. Once again, Andy's lost in his own world, but this time it's in a small notebook. He's writing, despite the turbulences, so I don't interrupt him. That's his own thing.
I sum up my last two weeks in my head. I went to the UK to have fun with BVB and consummate with Andy, then I came back and had a killer meeting that ended up with me now being signed onto a record label, and now I've attended a funeral.
I hope that my life calms down after this, but I don't expect it to. The life I've chosen is a crazy one, but I'm not sure I'd have it any other way.