"Are you sure you're okay with waiting while I'm doing my mani-pedi?" I asked him for the umpteenth time, hoping he would change his mind.
"Oo, okay lang talaga sa akin," sabi niya.
"Are you really sure? If you want, I'm okay kung magcocoffee ka muna sa labas," sabi ko sa kaniya.
"Ang kulit nito," he said and pinched my cheeks. "Okay nga lang. We can talk while you do that."
I pouted kahit na hindi naman niya nakikita. Nakokonsensiya ako. This is our first date, but I feel so fucking underdressed and unprepared. Sinabi ko naman sa kaniya na nakapambahay lang ako. Plain sky blue shirt, white shorts and tsinelas lang. I just did a little makeup. He told me to call him kung nasa city na ako. Well, I did. I also told him marami pa akong bibilhin at pupuntahan Hindi ko naman ine-expect na pupuntahan niya agad ako. He was so prepped. He wears a yellow shirt with tattered jeans and he wears shoes. He got a little gray sling bag na dala-dala nito. He also wears a sunglass and his golden wrist watch na sa isang tingin ko pa lang natatakot na akong baka maholdup kaming dalawa o masnatch.
He's a pastry chef -- I mean, was a pastry chef. Sa Cebu siya nagtatrabaho last year, but as a result of the pandemic umuwi siya rito sa Negros.
When he told me he was a pastry chef, I was like, wow! A pastry chef! When I think about it, I thought that a pastry chef is just a grandeur term for a baker. He patiently explained to me the difference of a pastry chef and a baker. He said pastry chefs have the authority and power, and they have a team under them. They mostly create recipes. They bake too, but more on the creative side. Bakers on the other side do the hard work too, but they are not necessarily a pastry chef or a boss. I was like, ohhh. I was enlightened.
Tumabi siya sa akin sa malaking couch while the lady at the salon was attending me. Napatitig siya sa akin.
"Bakit?" tanong ko sa kaniya ng mapansin ang pagtitig niya sa akin. I can't see his whole face kasi naka face mask siya. I smiled at him kahit na hindi nito nakikita. Umiling siya sa akin.
"Wala lang," sabi niya sa akin. He smells great. I can't describe the smell, but it has a masculine scent on it. The people at the salon were watching us with smiles on their faces.
"Grabe 'no? Ang init sa labas," sabi ko sa kaniya. Just so we can have something to talk about. I was surprised at how touchy he was with me. He put his arm over my shoulder. Wow, amazing. Like seriously on the first date? But I let it slide. I thought of it in a positive way. I feel like he's proud of me at hindi niya ako ikinakahiya na ipakita sa ibang tao.
"Oo nga," he said. He started talking to me about random things.
Speaking with Giann for a while, narealize ko kung gaano karami ang differences namin. Our values and beliefs are different from one another. Although, we have different point of view about things, we respect each others opinion and we support one another.
We talk about our different opinions. The thing that I liked most about speaking to him next to his sense of humor is how he stood his ground in his beliefs. He doesn't waver in what I say and so do I. We both agree to disagree. It's like we are having a debate, but we are not imposing opinions on each other or making it seems like our opinion is the right one. Instead, we inform one another about our own views, which for me is very fun and healthy. It's refreshing to hear a different perspective and opinion about some topics.
For example, I believe in horoscopes, tarot cards and predictions. Like not really believe it religiously, but it's like a guide or something. It's complicated. Giann said he believes none of these things. He believes that only God would know what the plan is. No one would be in the position to foresee things. He's a good Roman Catholic. I'm also a Roman Catholic, but I'm no devotee. I believe in just about anything.
He also puts money to good use. In a sense where he does not spend it on some things na hindi naman daw importante. He said he would rather spend it on his needs instead of his wants. I, on the other hand, spend a lot. I don't usually spend my money on myself, I spend it on others. Oo na. Galante ako lalo na sa ibang tao. Na kahit exceed na sa budget ko, kung kailangan ng iba ang pera ko, I would give it to them, no questions asked. Kahit na, I will have to endure weeks on a very tight budget. That's why Jack tells me I am a saint, why he thinks I shouldn't trust people that much. I also spend my money base on my wants and needs and yes, I am also sometimes a big spender.
Giann is a perfectionist, I'm not. I don't care how you do it if it's smooth or not as long as you do it, then I'm alright with that. I don't require perfection. I just need something na okay lang, pwede na. It doesn't matter how you do it, as long as the final product is fine. He, by contrast, wants perfection. He wants to ensure that everything is correct and calculated based on the instructions given especially if it's about food. I guess ganun lang talaga siya kasi dahil sa trabaho niya.
Marami pa kaming pagkakaiba pero may similarities rin naman.
We share the same love and interest in music. Yes, we love music in any genre. He also sends me music recommendations which is great as I love to find music with lyrics that describe how I feel and then add it to my sad playlist. Yeah, yeah, ako na ang emotional.
Both of us are very playful and flirty. Yes, kami yung klase ng tao na natural na lang siguro ang makipaglandian kung gustuhin namin without even trying.
I'm reserved and shy with new people, but if I put my heart to flirt, it just flows naturally. Narealize ko, it just comes to me naturally. My body language is often misunderstood. Alright, I'll accept that. I no longer care kung sa tingin nila gusto ko sila just because I am nice and I speak to them with kindness. That's the problem with guys these days, ang fefeeling. Lmao.
Giann and I can think and say things that will make someone's heart beat to our benefit. For me, I do it for fun lang naman sa mga kaibigan ko pero may uto-uto pa rin akong mga kaibigan na naniniwala sa mga sinasabi ko. They started acting weird. Mga gago! They should be wary kung nakikipagflirt ako sa kanila na kami lang dalawa kasi totoo na yun, but if I'm being playful with them with other people watching then I'm definitely just messing around. Most of them knows I'm kidding, but Giann, on the other hand, does it to hit on women. Siya yung klase ng tao na grabe ang sense of humor. He can make someone feel at ease with him because he's very easy-going. He can think of pick up lines as quickly as I do. We have the same way of flirting so it doesn't affect me at all and besides I cannot do this kind of flirting sa taong gusto ko talaga.
As for me, I know how to shake his heart. He loves somebody who laughs at his jokes. He's a touchy-feely kind of guy. We are both tactile. I don't do it with someone I just met or I have no feelings for. I just want to be touchy-feely sa taong gusto ko. Giann likes to be touched (not sexually). I'm giving him a free pass to touch my hands and my waist. I allowed him to be closer to me, skin-to-skin, but I noticed his eyes going down to my thighs. Hmmm. His skin is so fucking warm too or maybe it's just the weather.
I laughed so much inside the salon and the woman who was attending me couldn't help but laugh too because of his funny stories. He's got a funny story about pretty much everything.
Nalaman kong wala pa pala siyang tulog. He was drinking all night with his friends in the nearby city kasi kaka-open lang daw ulit ng bar ng friend niya doon at kakabalik lang nila.
After an hour in the salon, we both went to the nearest fast food restaurant. Habang kumakain na kami, I noticed him staring at me again.
"Why?" I asked him habang kumakain ako. I looked at him and he averted his eyes. Anong problema nito? "May problema ba sa mukha ko? Did I put too much makeup? Ano?"
"Wala," he said. Na-conscious tuloy ako lalo. Paano kung sobrang kapal pala ng makeup ko tapos nahihiya lang siyang sabihin? He noticed my discomfort. "Nagagandahan lang ako sa'yo."
I instantly rolled my eyes with what he said.
"Nambola ka pa talaga," I said to him.
"I'm telling the truth. Ang cute mo," he said to me and smiled. He pinch my cheeks again. "Ella?"
"Hmm?"
"Would you like to stay longer here in Oriental? Say, three months or more. May call center naman dito. It doesn't have a high salary, pero at least you are home," he said. I smiled at his words. "Or is that too much to ask?"
"Kung sasabihin ko ba na 'wag ka ng sumakay ng cruise ship this August para maging pastry chef, gagawin mo? Palalampasin mo ba ang experience at pagkakataon just because someone asks you not to?" I asked him. He also smiled when I said that.
"Okay na. Gets ko na. Alam ko na ang sagot mo," he said. We both laughed.
"Akala ko ba nirerespeto mo ang desisyon ko?" tanong ko sa kaniya.
"I do, Ella. Nagbaka sakali lang naman ako na baka magbago ang isip mo," sabi niya.
"I've been planning this for a few months now. No one can change my mind," sabi ko sa kaniya.
"I like that. You're feisty and brave," sabi niya sa akin. I rolled my eyes on him.
"Sige, bolahin mo pa ako, Giann," I said sarcastically.
"Do you want me to introduce myself kay ma'am?" he asked. Napatigil naman ako.
"You want to introduce yourself kay mama?" I asked, amazed that he even thought of doing that. "Why? Akala ko ba takot ka kay mama?"
He chuckled and nodded his head.
"I still do, but let's make it official since we are seeing each other," he said. Napatitig ako sa kaniya. My mind is going haywire. I didn't think he was serious about this. Akala ko we are just messing around. "Ipapaalala ko sa mama mo na ako ang binigyan niya ng 73 na grado noong second year ako."
Natawa ako sa sinabi niya. He still remembers that. I told him jokingly that perhaps my mother felt he would get involved with me kaya binigsak siya nito noon. Hindi ako makasagot sa sinabi niya.
"Doon na lang ako matutulog sa bahay namin malapit sa inyo," he said. They have a house here in San Carlos City at may bahay rin sila malapit sa unuupahan na bahay ni mama. My mother is a teacher at naging estudyante siya nito. He was always saying that he had a crush on me for so long, but never acted on it dahil sa takot sa mama ko. He said I was still in my elementary school when he had a crush on me and he was a freshman in high school. We were friends on Facebook for such a long time, pero recently lang ito nagparamdam sa akin. He knew what was going on with my life the last couple of years before I even broke up with my ex.
"Do you think this is too soon?" I said. I don't have any intention in introducing him to my mother. I don't know. I feel like it's wrong and I sincerely believe he will only be a temporary person in my life. I only introduce someone to my family kung alam kong they will be in my life forever like Jack for instance. As harsh as it seems, I still don't see Giann as one.
"Oh, is it too soon ba?" He asked at napakamot sa batok. Tumango ako.
"I'll introduce you to them after we celebrate our second year anniversary," nagkatitigan kami dahil sa sinabi ko at sabay napatawa. He seems pleased with what I said.
"Okay, I'm good with that," he said with a smile. "You're already thinking about the future. Label na lang talaga ang kulang sa atin."
Natahimik ako ulit sa sinabi niya. I just ate my fried chicken at hindi na siya sinagot pa.
"Maiba tayo. Do you want to have sex later?" he asked. Halos masamid ako sa kinakain kong fried chicken sa sinabi niya. That was out of nowhere!
"Like, after here? Ba't biglaan?" I asked him with wide eyes. Tumango naman ito. His expression never changed as if he was asking me an ordinary question.
"Why not? I know a place. Ako ang bahala," he said with a smirk on his face. Amazing! That's the thing I like about him, too, is that he doesn't let me guess what he wants. He's vocal on everything kaya alam ko agad kung ano ang iniisip niya. He's pretty straightforward with what he wants, and I appreciate the honesty. I also told him to be truthful with me and that I appreciate honesty so much kahit masakit. Sasagot na sana ako sa kaniya ng may lumapit sa aming lalaki.
"Oh, Giann. Ano 'to?" sabi ng kaibigan niyang dumating. They did a man hug at nagtawanan ang mga ito.
"Gago ka! Anong ginagawa mo rito?" Giann asked the man na lumapit sa amin.
"Miss, mag-ingat ka rito kay Giann. Kilabot 'to ng San Carlos City," his friend said.
"Gago!" Giann said. "Ella, kaibigan ko pala si Leo. Leo, girlfriend ko si Ella."
"Anong girlfriend?" I asked. Kinantyawan siya ng kaibigan niya.
"Hindi pa naman pala girlfriend eh," sabi ni Leo.
"Nag-papractice lang," he said at nag-peace sign sa akin. Nakangiting umiling ako sa kaniya. "Doon rin naman ang punta natin."
Nginitian ko na lang kaibigan nito.
"Ang swerte ng gagong 'to!" sabi ni Leo kay Giann. What his friend said boosted my confidence. Hindi rin naman nagtagal ang kaibigan nito at nagpaalam rin kaagad.
"So? What do you think?" he asked me ng makaalis na ang kaibigan.
"What do you mean?" I asked him, hoping he wouldn't ask about it again. He definitely got the wrong idea. Ako ang nag-aya sa kaniya na lumabas kami ngayon, but that's because I want to talk to him. Hindi ang makipagsex on a very first date. Nope, definitely not happening.
"My question I had earlier," he said.
"Lasingin mo na muna ako," sabi ko sa kaniya. He laughed at what I said. Kahit na lasingin niya ako alam kong ayaw ko pa rin.
I'm still not attracted to him, and that's a problem. I truly believe that something is wrong with me. Hindi naman siya panget. He has this swag on him since he dresses well and have good fashion sense. He's smart and very opinionated. He's kind. He knows my history. He accepts me. He's very patient with me. He makes me feel special, pero bakit hindi ko pa rin siya magustuhan? I know that sparks are not always present in a relationship, pero tama bang pumasok ako sa isang relasyon kung una pa lang wala na akong spark na nararamdaman? That spark should be felt at the beginning. It should at least be present, pero bakit wala?
I know I'm not being fair to him. Hindi naman sa hindi ako willing to have it with him and go all the way. I'm so open with things like this. I really just don't feel the sexual desire for now. He's a healthy young man with needs. I understand that. I can't give him that. Well, not anytime soon. Hindi na kami mga bata to not know what involves with this relationship, but I simply just want his company. I don't want to have sex with him. I like him. He's a great guy. I want him to be my boyfriend, pero can we be in a relationship if I don't desire him? Is that even okay? I do not even practice celibacy for goodness sake! I can be the best girl he's ever been with. Maalaga ako. I can serve him well. I'm quite generous. I am empathetic. I know he cooks well more than I, but I cook just as well. Above all, I'm definitely not strict or a nagger, but is it possible not to have sex with him? I can be his cheerleader and his confidante. I am an expert in stroking someone's ego and boosting his confidence so that he can do well with his passion. I can help him with a lot of things. I can be anything he wants and I'll try my best to give him everything, just not sex. I know, that's impossible. Baka sabihin niya nagpapa-virgin ako at nag-iinarte, but I can't do it. I don't know. He's like Jack. Yes, like Jack na wala akong nararamdaman na kahit na ano.
Bakit ako ganito? I've been forcing myself to feel something for him for months now, pero wala eh. I was hoping for a spark kahit ngayon, pero bakit ganun? Nothing happens within me, when he, on the other hand, is so obvious that he likes me. You will not ask someone to have sex with you kung in the first place kahit physical or sexual attraction man lang hindi mo nararamdaman. I feel no such thing for him. I don't feel that sexual tension.
Ugh! I hate myself. I fucking hate myself! I know the reason and I hate it. This is why my friends call me righteous. I don't do casual sex or rather can't.
Fuck! I only desire people I have feelings for. I'm not going to wash my hands and say I didn't kiss anyone I don't have feelings for, I did, but I surely felt disgusted afterwards.
How can they just go ahead and fuck around? I fucking tried! I swear, I fucking did, especially when I was drunk because I wanted to try and I was crazy and curious if I could take it. I wanted to have casual sex with anyone, but I backed out halfway through. It feels so wrong inside. I always say I feel insecure with my body. Totoo naman, but that's not half the point. The truth is hindi kaya ng sikmura ko. Hindi ko kaya. Hindi kaya ng konsensiya ko. Kahit na anong pilit ko. Hindi ko kayang makipagsex sa taong wala akong nararamdaman or I'm not in love with. My libido only goes on overdrive when I'm with someone I love. Dalawang tao ko lang yun naramdaman. Dalawang lalaki na sinaktan ako.
"So, kailangan lasingin muna kita?" he asked, amused by what I was saying.
"Yes, lasingin mo muna dapat ako," I joked, but it's kind of true. What if all I need is a drink to force myself into it? Ugh! I tried that, pero hindi pa rin gumagana sa akin eh. I don't have bad habits when I'm drunk. Yes, I'm blunt and can still talk about sex, pero yun lang naman. I'm just aggressive and naughty when I'm with someone I like. That's the only thing that's dangerous.
"Okay, let's drink," sabi nito. Nanlaki naman ang mga mata ko sa sinabi niya. It is not the first time he expressed his desire about this. If only I could feel any teeny tiny feelings for him sasabayan ko siya, pero wala eh. I know men have their desires. Hindi naman sa hindi ko nafefeel at nakikita ang sincerity niya sa akin, ha? Ang dami niyang nagawa to make me feel special kaya nga I am trying my hardest to feel something for him, pero wala talaga. Hindi ako naiinsulto sa mga ganitong usapan, and he knows that. I was the one who told him to be vocal with what he wanted. Maybe, I just need a little more time. Baka bukas o makalawa magigising na lang ako na gusto ko siya, diba?
"Seryoso? You really wanna drink in this daylight? Hindi ako pwedeng uminom. My mom will kill me," I told him. I'm a good girl in my hometown and my mom will nag the hell out of me.
"Then let's have sex nga," sabi niya sa akin.
"Grabe! You're very direct with what you want. Hindi ba pwedeng hingin mo yun sa akin yun in a subtle way? Nakakapressure naman 'to," sabi ko rito. Half of my mind just wants to surrender, but half is against it.
"Bakit? It's not as if we're not adults," sabi niya.
"What if may aids ako?" tanong ko sa kaniya.
"What if lang naman diba?" tanong niya pabalik sa akin.
"Yes, paano nga kung meron? Would you still have sex with me?" tanong ko sa kaniya and looked him directly in the eye.
"Yes, kasi hindi naman totoo. What if nga lang diba?" he said.
"So, paniniwalaan mo lang ang sagot ko? What if my chlamydia ako or STD?" tanong ko ulit sa kaniya.
"Ikaw? I doubt it," he said to me.
"Oh, so you really do trust me," sabi ko sa kaniya.
"Yes, I do, Ella. Are you trying to discourage me to have sex with you?" he asked. Tumango ako.
"Look, Giann. I know you think I'm too open-minded. I am liberated, but the thing is I don't do casual sex," I said to him. He looked at me in disbelief.
"Oh! I'm sorry I---"
"Hindi, hindi. I should be the one to apologize. I think I misled you," sabi ko. I saw the disappointed look in his eyes.
"I-I really thought. Is it me? Am I not your type? Is my body not that good enough for you?" he asked. Agad akong umiling. Wow, nagtatanong pa talaga siya ng ganyan when his body is so fine.
"Giann, I swear. Hindi talaga ikaw. I asked to hang out with you kasi gusto kong mag-usap tayo, magkakilala. I want to know you better," I honestly said. "It never even crossed my mind to have sex with you. If I gave you that impression, then I apologize for it too."
"Oh, I really thought---"
Why is this so hard? I've seen this expression before. I stepped on his ego. I could sense that he was disappointed at this very moment kahit na itinatago nito.
"I swear. Let's do it next time," I said. I'm trying to console him, but the truth is, it won't happen anytime sooner. Hindi ko talaga feel.
"Next time?" He said, sounding hopeful.
"You'll never know. Let's get to know each other better. When the mood is right. If we both feel it. If the circumstances allow us to do it, why not?" I said to him. "But for now, let's just focus on getting to know each other more. Let's take everything slow."
Natahimik ito, pero bigla ring ngumisi.
"I can't believe this," he said, but he looked amuse.
"Ang alin?" sabi ko.
"That someone said no to me," he said. Tumaas ang isang kilay ko.
"Oh, so all the girls that you've dated pumapayag sila agad?" tanong ko. Tumango siya.
"Yes, you're truly different," sabi nito.
"Is that a compliment or an insult?" I asked.
"It's a compliment, Ella. Don't worry. I genuinely like you. I know this may sound like a lie at the moment, pero hindi lang naman sex ang habol ko sa'yo. I'm sorry if I thought that way. I can wait you know. It's just, you really should stop wearing shorts," sabi niya sa akin. I pouted with what he said. Nakapambahay lang ako. Ugh! I'm getting triggered. Okay, Ella, be positive, but if he thinks this is too much. Wait 'til he sees me go out and I'm feeling myself, then he will see what's too much. Hindi pa niya ako nakikitang nakapalda. "You don't need to feel pressured."
"Thank you, Giann," I said. I'm still pressured though. I stared at him, but he still seem disappointed. He was already expecting that something would happen between us. Gago. "Umiiyak ka ba?"
I teased him. Umiling siya at ngumiti.
"Hashtag disappointed," he joked. We both burst out laughing.