Why the hell is he here?!
When not caught up in my survey corp duties, I basically lived out at the orphanage. I knew I was running away from my problems, but it was easier for the time being. Not only that, but it was a great way to stay distracted.
At least it was until Levi showed up.
"Why is that small man here? Who is he? Is he lost? Are you lost, small man?" One of the boys waddled up to Levi and poked at his stomach, and I likely would have laughed if I wasn't too busy hating his actual guts.
"I don't know why the small man is here, Benajah. Why don't you show him the way out?" I avoided looking up as I pottered around, tidying up one of the many bedrooms with my favourite of the bunch nestled against my hip.
Odette hadn't left me alone since she had found me in the field that day, and I wasn't too frustrated with it. Sure, she was clingy, but she reminded me of myself. She needed someone. Anyone.
"Mall man!" She mimicked loudly, a finger in her mouth as she grasped the back of my shirt with her other hand.
"We need to talk, (Y/N)." Levi finally spoke, trying to step around Benajah, but the little boy wasn't having it.
"Nuh-uh! State ya business, small man!" He was quickly joined by several others, effectively creating a blockade between me and the captain.
"Run along, you lot. Bena, take her out to play for a bit, will you?" The young boy came to collect Odette, but the moment she caught wind of the impending pass over, she began to cry, throwing her arms around my neck as tight as she could. "Okay, okay! Nevermind!"
Once the others had hesitantly left the building, there was a long, painful silence. Levi stayed where he was, and I put a greater distance between us by moving to the other side of the room.
"You seem to be in your element here..." He finally mumbled, and I had to grit my teeth so I wouldn't immediately blow up.
"Whatever you wanted to say, hurry up and say it. I'm busy, and I have duties this evening." Knowing my grip on Odette would likely become too tight, I placed her down beside me, allowing her to cling to my leg instead.
My aggression came as no surprise to the man, and he continued to keep his composure.
"As I'm sure you have already heard, I have a letter for you, from Reiner. Whether you choose to read it is up to you, but you need to take it."
I can't read it...I won't...
Heaving a long, frustrated sigh, I finally looked over to him, and the moment our eyes met my gut twisted into knots.
"Leave it on the table and go, then. I'll burn it later." What else could I do with it? There was nothing Reiner could explain to me to change my mind. The same went for Levi.
The ravonet followed my first instruction, but he didn't make any move to leave. He just stood there, solemn in silence and flat in expression.
"We also have something else we need to talk about."
No, we don't.
"I don't want you near me." It hurt to say it, but it was the truth. His presence hurt me, and I couldn't pretend like it didn't. The anger and betrayal I had felt on that day in Shiganshina had only festered and grown over the past weeks, and him being right there in front of me, seemingly unaffected, made it worse.
"I didn't want to pull this card, but I'm still your captain, (Y/N)." Levi responded as I placed a hand on Odette's head, making sure she didn't take a run towards him to bite his ankles. "When you look at me like that, with so much disgust in your eyes...I hate it."
He was right. I was disgusted by him. I couldn't forgive him. He had surrendered the one thing I had left, and it hadn't been his to give up.
"What?! Are you gonna order me to forgive you, Levi?! Is that what you're gonna do?!" My voice broke when I shouted, and the little girl at my side yelled in his direction too, though it was merely noise. Taken aback, Levi shook his head once, taking a single step backwards to give us some space.
"All I want to do is talk. To explain. You never gave me the chance." Why couldn't people leave me alone? I was done with the pestering, and the pity. I needed time, and this was just making what had passed reset.
It was obvious he wanted to shout back at me, but when his eyes flickered to the small child in my care I knew he wasn't going to. It was out of character, but I could almost hear his thoughts on the matter.
"You really think that would help?! You picked Armin, and it's done! Over! You ended it then and there, Levi!" I shouldn't have been yelling in her presence either, but I couldn't hold it back. He had dared come into my safe space? Knowing I wanted nothing to do with him?
"Everyone is trying to give you your space, but they're worried about you. Jean practically forced my hand here, and I-"
"I don't care!" I cut him off, my eyes stinging slightly as I tried to focus above the top of his head instead of his eyes. They were hurt, and in turn that hurt me right back. "Tell Jean to stay out of it! You stay out of it!"
I wish I could stop hating you, but...
"You knew, didn't you?! You knew what he was going to do before I went back to the others that day! You lied to me! You let him lie to me! You let me believe that, for once...s..somebody I loved had a chance of surviving..! You..!" I couldn't continue. Not when Odette was there, and the other children were likely lingering outside.
Levi was deathly silent for the longest time, lost somewhere between guilt and anger. Closing his eyes, he took a deep, composing breath, shoulders still tense even after trying to relax them.
"You're not the only one grieving, (Y/N), but I get it. You need time? Fine. I'll give you time...but eventually we're going to talk about this."
He sounded so sure of himself, but I had a different opinion. I felt the material of my pants tighten by the leg, and I glanced down to the small human.
"Go 'way 'mall man! Go 'way!" Odette had her teeth bared, but as patheticly tiny as she looked, it really warmed my heart that I at least had somebody who would side with me no matter what.
Levi stared between the two of us before nodding once, seeming to bite his tongue before turning towards the door.
"In two months, we'll be beginning the final mission to eradicate the remaining titans. Hange wants to have words with you regarding preparations, so go see her whenever the hell you want..."
With that, he left, though his usual prideful stride was missing. It was more like he was tearing himself away. Finally releasing my breath, I almost collapsed into the chair at the dining table, head falling to meet my readied palm.
Sometimes I wish that pneumonia had taken me to hell before he found me...
I knew it was my grief talking, but the only person I had left to blame was Levi. He had taken me back to the walls. He had reintroduced me to commander Erwin. He had a strong hand in forcing me into the survey corps. He had chosen my father's death. It wasn't his fault, but at the same time, that was how I saw it.
My eyes wandered to the crumpled envelope that sat on the other side of the table. Taunting me. Screaming at me. I knew there was no way I could burn it, but at the same time, even thinking about reading it made the bile rise into my throat.
Reiner and his people were at fault, too. More-so than Levi, but they weren't here for me to blame. It was toxic, of course, but it was my personalised defence mechanism. Reiner had saved me back in Shiganshina, but why? He knew I was the enemy. What was the point of helping me survive?
"No sad..." Odette snapped me out of my thoughts, pawing at my knees as she stood beside my chair. It was then that I felt the faint tickle of a tear rolling down my cheek, and I hurried to wipe it away, standing up and picking her up into my arms.
"I'm fine, pipsqueak. Small Man just makes me feel angry. How about we go get the others and see if your dinner is ready, hmm?" It was hard to put on an act for her, or any of the children, but it had to be done. They'd seen enough sadness to last them ten lives over.
"Mmhmm yup." She hummed in approval, pinching at the ends of my (H/C) hair as I started off towards the door. I would have been okay with this life. Leaving the scouts and becoming a full-time carer for these kids, despite my usual aversion to anyone below adulthood. Simple responsibilities, instead of making choices that could result in the extinction of mankind.
Maybe...I should just quit while things are quiet..? Dad isn't here anymore, and I doubt they'll kill me for desertion...
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***Kinda filler? Idk.
I just got over being super sick, so sorry if this is lacklustre.
From here on in until a certain point there will be time skips.
Benajah was actually the name of my old Flemish Giant (rabbit).
Recent chapter of AOT reduced me to a sobbing puddle of yuck (no spoilers in comments please!)
Next Time: Handwritten***