There's no more stars to find
And I'm too far behind
And I'd love to let you go
I'd love to let you go
You're all that's on my mind
The flight to New York wasn't peaceful in the least.
We arrived at the hotel in Mar del Plata about thirty minutes later than we were supposed to and Alissa gave us a long-ass lecture about how we should've let them know if we were going to be delayed, not before asking me that one 'do you have lipstick on?'.
Of course we didn't tell her what actually happened, but I could see Harry trying to hold back his laughter. Alex sure noticed though, he squinted his eyes at us and looked in between Harry and I, then to my lips and then to the funny position I was standing on.
My ass hurt like fuck.
Harry made me come three times and he didn't hold back at all when he fucked me, it was like he was seriously trying to rail the sadness out of me and it worked... momentarily.
It was fun though, Harry kept making fun of me while I shifted on my seat, trying to find a position where the soreness didn't annoy me. I acted mad but it was hard keeping a straight face, so I decided to joke with him.
That... until it all came stumbling into my brain once more.
I felt so emotionally drained, but yet my brain kept working really fast, I could barely keep up with myself. I needed some rest from everything, someone to hug me and tell me everything was going to be fine.
The minute we were drowned in silence, the image of Zayn with a bullet in his forehead slapped me in the face again. I stopped myself from crying because I didn't want to be weak, but it was so hard that I thought about the possibility of just asking Harry to run away with me.
To finally put an end to this bullshit.
I'd been thinking so hard about it, of just dropping everything and moving to some country we don't even know... fuck, that was all I wanted. But then again, I didn't want to give up on this and I didn't even know why.
I had plenty of time to think about everything that happened this past month and I came to the conclusion that I'd finally phone my parents, let them know I was fine. I was scared as shit, but it was time to stop being a pussy once and for all.
I knew Harry would back me up with whatever I chose, but it still made me uneasy thinking about facing my parents after so long. It was hard wrapping my head around the fact that this all started almost two months ago, it felt like a fucking decade.
We were now in New York already, staying at one of Louis' many properties with countless rooms and five or six bathrooms on each story. That motherfucker was so rich, it should be illegal.
I was on the couch with Alex, overthinking as usual. We weren't even saying anything, I had my head propped on his shoulder and he was drawing lazy patterns with his finger on the inside of my arm, right where my veins could be seen faintly.
He was good company, he somehow knew I was very fucking sad and he wasn't even bothered by how much I moved around. My ass still felt funny and it had been almost a day since what happened in the car.
I knew Harry and Alissa were talking about me in the kitchen. I had heard my name around three times and they weren't even trying to be quiet. Their voices sounded muffled, but they reached my ear anyways.
The masquerade was happening next week and I was really fucking nervous. My whole body felt sore and it wasn't only because of how hard Harry fucked me, it was like an emotional weight that made my every limb feel really fucking heavy.
I was happy I still had some more days to mentally prepare myself for the masquerade, I was scared shitless. I was imagining all of the what-ifs and worst case scenarios and I didn't even know why I was so worried about this.
I barely moved around in the house, we had been here for less than a day and I had been locked in my room throughout it all. This was the first time I was coming downstairs and that's because Harry wanted me to eat something, I would've gladly refused but he practically forced me to.
I wanted to cry so bad, but I wasn't going to let myself be weak in front of Alex right now and I felt too tired to stand up. The TV was on and it was a nice time to think about some stuff, get lost in my imagination.
I was afraid someone might track us in this house, it seemed like everyone was after us now and it just made everything harder. This was supposed to be something easy, something we'd have done within two days... but no.
Nothing was ever easy.
I was being so paranoid lately, Zayn dying only made me realize how not okay things were going and every possibility was replaying in my mind like a broken record. Even the impossible ones, they were there.
I didn't want to lose anyone else and I hated how hard it was becoming to keep everyone safe. Zayn's death really fucked me up and I wasn't sure if I'd be able to afford anymore pain, it physically hurt me.
I had never felt this tired in the last six years, not even after my panic attacks or night terrors. It felt as though life was being thrown at me and I was supposed to catch it, but I was never good at catch-the-ball games.
I couldn't sleep at all in the past twenty four hours. Being in the plane was the hardest thing I ever had to do, I felt biased because I wanted to sleep to wash away my fear of heights but I knew I'd have a nightmare if I did.
I couldn't take Zayn appearing in my dreams again, so I just chose to suck it all up and stay awake. I nearly started hyperventilating when the plane shook violently, it was like everyone and everything was against me.
Harry was being so kind to me and I knew he'd literally walk through burning embers for me, but he needed to rest too and it was like he was refusing to sleep only to stay with me. I loved him so much, but I also cared about him and I needed him to be okay for the event... for me.
I was going to force him to sleep tonight, I knew that. Plus I wanted to cry and I didn't want him to see me, so I was hoping I'd get some alone time to do it and I really fucking wished he didn't find out.
My brain was such a fucking mess.
"What the fuck is shawarma?" Alex's voice snapped me out of my trance, making me notice the cooking show playing in the TV.
The chef had a terrible accent and he was wearing a white apron while he spoke about a shawarma recipe. Wow, I forgot about the last time I ate that thing, I think it was some months before this whole shit started.
"You don't know?" I frowned, examining Alex's side profile.
His hair was messy and there were prominent bags under his eyes. I guess everyone was tired, the last hours of our lives had been such a shitshow and I don't think any of us had time to take a proper nap.
He looked at me with parted lips and his eyebrows creased together, stopping his finger on my arm which only made me guide him to move it again. He rolled his eyes, shaking his head.
"It's... like a burrito, I guess? I don't know, but it's really good." I motioned with my hand to the flatscreen.
He tilted his head to the side, keeping the frown on his face, "I've never tried that before."
"Well, I'll take you to my favourite shawarma restaurant when this is over." I laughed, patting his forearm.
A wide smile that illuminated his face drew on his lips, making his eyes twinkle and my heart literally melt. He looked so cute when he smiled and it was a pity that he didn't do it often, he had a beautiful smile.
Alex wasn't the same person I saw that one night when he came to our place to return my necklace, I hadn't experienced any of his panic attacks and I hadn't seen that same sadness in his eyes again. Not once.
It made me somewhat happy, even if I still didn't know the reason behind it all. I was just glad he trusted me, or at least I think he did. Fuck, I don't even know, I just knew he and I were more alike than it seemed.
I liked him very much, he was like my best friend and it was weird how I changed my mind about him so quickly. I understood he was never bad in the first place, he was just following orders and now I trusted him a lot.
I wondered how our lives would be once this was all over. I really hoped Alex and Alissa didn't just walk away after this, I didn't want to get attached to people that weren't getting attached to me.
Alissa was really cool too. She was crankier than the rest of us, but she was also more mature and reasoning. She took good care of Alex and I could see how she made him feel safe, I didn't even have to ask to know they liked each other.
It was cute seeing them together, they acted like a married couple and I was glad they were looking after each other. Sometimes it was weird looking at them after hearing them fucking, but I knew they heard Harry and I too so I guess we were even.
"Please," Alex gave me a cheeky smile. "Like besties."
I couldn't help but let out a little laugh, swatting his arm before Harry came into the living room. I was hoping he wouldn't throw a jealousy tantrum right now, spending time with Alex set me in a good mood and I didn't want to argue with my boyfriend over something like this.
"Nat," He spoke up and even if he was glaring at Alex, he seemed calm. "Okay?"
My eyes were burning and I knew they were bloodshot, I haven't slept and I had cried a lot. My throat was sore too and I didn't even know why, I didn't know if I'd be able to afford a fucking cold right now.
Given my lack of rest and food, my defences would usually be practically useless. I tended to get sick a lot, which was why I was used to it by now, but that didn't mean I liked those short periods where I felt like I had been punched in the face.
"Okay." I rolled my lips into my mouth. "Are you?"
"Yes," He cleared his throat, rubbing the sides of his fists against his eyes. "I'm a bit tired."
"You should get some sleep." I grimaced, feeling Alex's imposing gaze on me.
"I'll wait for you-"
"Harry," I cut him off sternly, arching my eyebrows. "Go to sleep."
His eyes flicked in between my own, trying to decide in which one to stay. His curls were messy on top of his head and he wasn't wearing a shirt, only a pair of sweats. His whole body was tense and I just wanted him to relax, it was hard already knowing that I was annoying everyone with my constant breakdowns.
There was hesitation in his eyes and I knew he wanted to refuse, but I wasn't going to argue this with him. He didn't have to take care of me all the time, I was cool with being alone sometimes. So he finally nodded.
Harry gave Alex and I one more glance before he untensed his shoulders, starting to walk towards the stairs. He was about to reach them when Alissa came barging into the living room, clutching my phone on her hand.
"Nat, there's- fuck, sorry," She grimaced, looking at Harry, at me and then at Alex.
"It's okay." I shook my head. "What's wrong?"
"Louis texted," She blew out a deep breath through her mouth, adjusting her tank top.
I didn't have time to ask why she was reading my messages because my brain was going into overload again, thinking without my permission. I was fried with questions, so I reached out my hand and Alissa placed the phone on it.
I read the text quickly and a frown drew on my face as I tried to figure out what the hell that meant. There were a bunch of unanswered questions and doubts circling my brain and I didn't know what to do.
There's been a
change in plans.
Read this.
There was a picture attached beneath it that looked pretty much like an invitation to something, so I clicked on it and felt everyone's eyes on me as I widened mine. Was it possible, or was it a set up?