Not a one shot but it's really funny so here you go
Triggers - Swearing, sexual references
•••
Jack: I'm trying to draw Davey but he looks like a crack addict
Davey: I'm awful at talking to people and I don't know if it's the social anxiety or the autism
Albert: It's a shame drinking and driving is illegal cause it would be so much fun
Davey: Did you just take paracetamol with day old coke?
Jack: I've taken antidepressants with whisky. Bite me
Race: You legally cannot stop me from eating this rock
Spot: I will stab you with this
Elmer: The pen?
Spot: You heard me
Albert: This acid is perfectly shot sized
Davey and Katherine: *discussing the metric size of Japan*
Jack: ???
Race: Seriously, what repercussions would come from me just biting this rock?
Crutchie: *gagging* don't eat straight rock salt
Buttons: Dessert spoons are bad. I've had bad experiences with dessert spoons
Specs: Well my glasses just fell off my face, which is nice
Davey: I've learned that whenever I think I've done well in something, Ive actually completely fucked it, but when I think I've messed something up I ace it. A horrible mentality for life but it's what I'm going with
Race: I've swallowed glass pebbles the rock cannot hurt me
Jack: I've been drawing when I was supposed to be revising and it doesn't even look good so what does that make me
Spot: If you put that penis looking rock next to me one more time I will shove it down your throat
Race: Kinky
Albert: Be honest, lava looks delicious
Davey: *visibly distressed* no-
Race: *holding crushed sandstone* If I snorted this what would happen?
Albert: That's a hench ass unicorn
Race: How fucking dare you look me in the eyes and tell me I would be Hitlers perfect person
Elmer: Dessert spoons. Are evil
Henry: How dare you swear in my god damn fucking Christian household
Romeo: I'm telling my therapist about this
Race: That we called you eighty?
Romeo: He won't be happy
Davey: I don't care if Hitler advocated against animal cruelty, he committed mass fucking genocide Susan
Crutchie: Hannibal Lecter is gay? We have peaked as a species
Specs: Just because something can be gay, doesn't necessarily mean it should
Romeo: Bet
Finch: My eyes feel loose
Race: I'm gonna wait until I'm 18 to off myself so I can legally fuck Satan
Albert: I'm here. No one wants me to be, but I'm here
Katherine: I'm not a bitch. Just a questionable person
Specs: Why's Race in the corner?
Spot: He's huffing at me cause I said his dick looks like Macca Pacca from In the Night Garden
Crutchie: With every other bug Im like 'omg a friend!' But then with spiders I'm just like 'you can burn in hell.'
Jack: Valid
Romeo: Did you just punch me with a fucking waffle?
Albert: Kill all babies 2021
Specs: Where are my sight givers
Race: I was just deep throated by the shower water
Katherine: What.
Elmer: I've joined a cult, but like a happy cult. We have cool robes and shit. Sometimes we kill people but that's the important
Henry: Are you body shaming a fucking rock?
Buttons: The tiger from The Tiger who Came to Tea is a Nazi
Davey: I hate you all and the only reason I'm still here is because no one else likes me
Spot: If you're French I have to kill you. Don't ask me why
Race: My water bottle is releasing souls from hell right now :/
Race: *trying to do Algebra* Is it really still maths if it's nothing but letters because this is bullshit
Jack: I'm going to start screaming in a minute
Davey: Can you go do the dishes?
Albert: *staring at a wall* I'm building up to it
Elmer: *distressed* I'm being pressured into downloading a BMC dating sim via email
JoJo: I just sneezed myself into another dimension
Romeo: Get your ass inside I have pizza to eat
Albert: I just stuck my hand into a fire with no hesitation and I think that says a lot about me as a person
Katherine: Everything that could've went wrong in the last 30 seconds just went wrong and I don't know how to feel
Mush: I'm starving
Specs: It's 10am and you've already eaten?
Mush: I don't see how that's relevant
Spot: I'm going to commit arson purely to spite you
Jack: Who the fuck scheduled a zoom call at 5am tomorrow because that shit ain't on
Race: Every fibre of my being is telling me to chug that lemon juice
Spot: I'm a Satan apologist
Race: I'm going to shank you into next week
Romeo: The weirdest porn you could possibly read is the bible
Albert: I was going to talk to you about systematic racism and how how to end it but instead I'm gonna show you some white hot memes
Specs: ;-;
Henry: Yeah quick question, which circle of hell do you hail from
Jack: How's therapy going?
Davey: I paid 40 quid for some bitch to teach me how to breath how do you think?
Race: Why do you put up with me?
Spot: Because no one else will
Race: Oh.
Elmer: #satandidnothingwrong
JoJo: *trips on curb* You really just fucked me over like that huh
Finch: Why didn't Bill Gate name Windows Gates?
Buttons: I'm giving you one more chance to shut the fuck up
Mush: If consensual murder is assisted suicide does that mean sex is assisted masturbation
Davey: I want you know the thought process that led you to correlate those two things
Albert: I've decided to write a series of porn with Star Wars pun names
Crutchie: I hate you so much
Mike: *to Ike* You're my twin and all, but I've never once said I loved you and I don't intend to start now
Race: I was just caressed by a thorn branch
Mush: Strangle that bottle bitch
JoJo: Kinky
Spot: *To a branch* You fucking touch me again I'll fucking murder your whole fucking family
Crutchie: I don't vape because I am a ✨child of the law✨
Albert: For the record, I didn't walk into the hand dryer when I was buzzed. Just as an aside
Jack: Give me one good reason why I can't have a plain bap for lunch. I'll wait
JoJo: *gasps* I made a child!
Elmer: I'm wearing a My Little Pony sock to school and I'm not ashamed
Davey: Sock, singular?
Elmer: You heard me
Specs: If these fuckers walk any slower I'm going to punt them into outer space
Henry: Mick Jagger has a secret Trump supporting alter ego called Jick Magger. Discuss
Katherine: I will pay you any amount of money to not read that porn out loud
Romeo: Whoever invented honey roast ham needs to be burned alive
Finch: It's ok I've got some flesh to eat
Race: I NEED MY BREAD
Albert: I need to leave. Before the monsters gather
Katherine: Please. Stop existing
Mush: Give me your sweet corpse
Elmer: Bones. Where are my bones
Spot: Get in the hole before I slaughter your entire family
Davey: Why does my hand smell like coffee. I don't drink coffee what-
Crutchie: The bees don't get a friend
Jack: This sausage roll tastes like disappointment
JoJo: Fear me mortals, for I feast upon the flesh of your brethren
Henry: That is a flaming child right there
Romeo: I relate to endermen on a spiritual level because I too randomly move shit about and will scream and kill you if you look at me
Albert: Wedgies are more effective when you add emotional damage
Morris: You're a fetus
Race: If I'm a fetus I can legally be killed so thank you!
JoJo: I will continue to berate meerkats until they change their ways
Crutchie: From now on, when anyone inconveniences me I'm going to accuse them of a hate crime
Davey: Jack can see Jacobi's from the lodging window. He is delighted by this and points it out everyday as if it might disappear if he doesn't. It's been three months
Race: Someone's not living up to their reputation of being a whore
Finch: Are you a pineapple pizza? No. So I like you
Katherine: If I get a migraine tomorrow I will be suing
Elmer: Shrek haunts me. Every time I close my eyes he's there. Waiting
Spot: Dear lord, give the the strength I need today to not punt a child
Mush: I have had several traumatic incidents involving mayonnaise
Jack: Listen up fuck llamas
Specs: If you interrupt me one more time I will beat you with a paper clip
Race: It's a Beyoncé murder crab!
Davey: A...a what?
Race: You heard me
Jack: Is it still murder if I consent?
Albert: The bathroom has no door so technically this entire building is a bathroom. Think about it
Henry: Albert. Shut the fuck up
Jack: Never trust anything that sits in your lap. People, babies, dogs. They're all trying to harvest your love. And then kill you
Spot: I would murder your entire family for a single slice of cheese
Elmer: I have an affinity for goats. That's why I sacrifice them for my crepe cult
Race: Can you make crystal meth?
Davey: Wh- that's illegal
Albert: Not the point can you do it
Davey: Yes but-
Romeo: Great lets go
Davey: ...where are you coming from??
Katherine: I'm sexist. That's reality. Deal with it
Blink: Shhh I'm having a staring contest with Hitler
Jack: Whats a rational person? Not me
Crutchie: I don't have any money so if you buy me food I will be loyal to you forever
Race: Can we get a baby goat? I really want a baby goat
Katherine: I'm a lesbian, I trump all of you
Albert: In conclusion, I have the shiniest meat bicycle
Davey: Anxiety has just become a permanent part of my personality which is nice
Race: I really want to be a pterodactyl when I grow up
Jack: Every time I take an art class I feel another piece my soul leave my body
Crutchie: I need my friends. Without you guys I just turn into a depression puddle right about there. Ask anyone
Race: I have a squashed fly in my eye :)
Davey: Are you...are you going to get it out...?
Race: Nah he's chilling
Elmer: And why do we like dogs? Because dogs are better than people in every way
Henry: Neo-pagan? Isn't that just spicy necromancy?
Davey: *about Race* He's my friend and all but he is so, so stupid
Specs: *walks into the lodging after everyone else missing a shoe* Someone filled my shoe with pasta...
Henry: *crawls around on the floor pretending no one can see him, hissing*
Crutchie: *to any minor inconvenience* I'm crippled you can't do this to me
Race: *is offended when another newsie walks the same path home as him even though they live in the same place and started walking from the same position* Why are you following me??
Albert: *maintains aggressive eye contact with Jack as he drags his sketchbook away from him to draw a penis on it*
Jack: If one more person asks me to draw something for them...I will lose it
Katherine: *staring into space* I'm this close to killing all of you
Crutchie: *refusing to sit on an empty seat on a moving bus because someone took the one he usually sits in to spite him* I'm disabled and it hurts to stand but this isn't about the seat anymore. It's about principle.
Davey: You *gestures to all the newsies* give me so much anxiety
Albert: *after stealing a beer a stranger hid under a bride and drinking it in two minutes* This is why I'm dying before I'm twenty
Jack: Thanks for the encouragement but I really need to cry right now so fuck off
Les: *talks about murder in a terrifyingly happy voice*
Katherine: I went into the bathroom and cried because someone mentioned writing a speech. So I have that going for me
Spot: *after seeing any other newsie* Ew.
Race: *strangled screaming*
Romeo: I'm a twink I can't do this
Mush: *earnestly explains why printers are gay*
Sniper: I don't like going outside this is peer pressure and I'm going to cry
Davey: I have a reputation as the smart one but I'm really just anxious. I blame you *points to Jack*