Alice Avery
You'd think that I'd react dramatically, I'd cry, sob, scream, fight. Thought I stood there quietly, I tried to let his devastating words sink into me, I didn't believe them.
"You're bluffing," I stated.
"You're scared of me Alice, what the hell makes you think you and I can go on like this." Ricky spoke sincerely and I just shook my head.
"We can work through it, an-and together that's what we do and that's what we've always done so let's just stay together so-"
"Breathe." He cut me off and stepped away from me.
"No!" I protested. "No you can't just leave me after everything you said last night."
We talked about how much we needed each other and now in just a few hours, he's gone against everything.
"I'm not leaving you."
"Bullshit," I interrupted boldly. "I'm not just gonna stand here and let some stupid nightmare ruin us."
"That stupid nightmare made you scared of me, and I'm not just gonna stand here and let you be around someone you're scared of." He explained and I cupped my hands over my ears. I didn't want to hear it, he was putting me before himself. I don't want to be the reason he has to live in a world without me. He's not doing this for him, he's doing it for me and I could slap him for it.
"I'm not letting you do this," my voice was low.
"You aren't ready for this, neither am I. We need time apart." He spoke his last sentence slowly, ensuring I took in every last word.
I had to realize that there was no way of escaping this, he was leaving and was forcing me further and further away from him.
"What am I gonna do without you?"
"You focus on yourself and I'll focus on myself." He took a hesitant step forward, "I need this too Ali."
That changed everything. If he needed this then I wouldn't hesitate to walk out.
"Okay." I agreed in a whisper, "I'll go."
I felt hallow but maybe this was for the best, at least for right now. I slowly gathered my things from the floor.
"Don't go missing me too much," Ricky tried to make light of the situation but I didn't laugh. I didn't want a break or whatever we were calling this. I couldn't get enough of him, I had just gotten him and now he's gone.
"I'll see you soon?" I asked, I needed something to look forward to.
"We've got forever to be together baby, don't you worry."
I looked down to Ricky's ring on my finger. Everything felt so distant, last night we were closer than ever before and now it feels like we're life times apart, like we're taking a step backwards.
"You promised." Ricky intruded my thoughts in an demanding tone.
"I know I did," I spoke quietly.
"That's a promise to you," he said while pointing to the ring. "I'm not gonna leave, ever."
"What are you my husband now?"
He shrugged, "you want me to be?"
"That's not funny," I muttered.
Staring at him now, he looked a hell of a lot better than I did. He was ready for this, I wasn't but I had to stop believing that this was a bad decision. We did need this, I just wasn't prepared and I didn't want to admit it.
I couldn't stand the silence anymore, I walked out. As cliche as it may sound, it felt like I was leaving something behind. I had gotten so used to Ricky that I'm unaware of what my life had been like without him.
I stepped out of the building, a wave of dark clouds painted the sky and the pouring rain hit the concrete in a loud padder. I walked out into it, allowing myself to get soaked by the rain shower. My head was so full, a jumbled mess of emotions. My father had won yet again, he did this.
He ruined the best thing I've ever had.
Unlocking my car door I sat down in the drivers seat and slammed the car door shut in the process. I reached into the console on my right and pulled out the infamous pack of cigarettes. I held the cigarette in my mouth and fired the lighter to it.
It wasn't the same, I hated smoking without him.
The tears from my eyes mixed with the raindrops that dripped from my forehead. I know I'd see Ricky again, one day. But the real question was, will my father ruin us again? Will my father continue to overpower me? Will I ever be able to shake the horrid feeling that consumes me whenever I think of him?
Ricky claimed we needed time to heal. I know he'll succeed, he's strong enough. As for me, even if I do overcome my parents, it could take years. I'm not strong enough.
I inhaled the harsh tobacco before huffing it out, creating a cloud of smoke that floated around in my car. Was a weird feeling smoking it alone, I haven't even left the damn lot yet and I already miss him like crazy. I was attached and when you're ripped away from something you're attached to, it's unbearable.
I kept the cigarette in my mouth as I turned my car on and drove out onto the street. With one hand on the wheel, I smoked the cigarette with the other and drove carelessly on the road. A crack of lighting struck on the road ahead of me, I didn't flinch or blink. I hit the point where I didn't feel a thing. After a rush of feelings, I experienced a period where there wasn't an emotion I could claim.
I didn't know what I'd tell Theo once I got home. I was a mess and it wouldn't go unnoticed, I wasn't even going to attempt to try it.
I eventually made it home and I slumped up to Theo and I's apartment. After opening the door I flicked the main light on and Theo came into view, he sat at a stool at the kitchen island with a serious expression.
"Your lack of communication is childish."
"Bite me," I snapped and and grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and popped it open.
"What's going on with you?"
I gave him a hesitant look, I took a large sip from the bottle in my hand. "He's gone."
I could see his face screw up in confusion from the corner of my eye.
"Ricky," I clarified. "Something happened and-"
"Did he do something to you?" Theo asked in a worried, frantic tone.
"No!" I examined. "No, no it was something I did, or something that happened to me. I- I don't really know."
"Well, do you wanna talk about it?"
"Not really, no." I answered honestly.
"Is there anything you want me to do?"
Walking back to the fridge I grabbed another beer and set it in front of him. "Just don't let me drink alone."
DAY ONE
I browsed through various Netflix shows in hopes of finding a new distraction that didn't involve alcohol. I didn't know what people did during breakups, is this even considered a breakup?
The front door broke me away from my inner thoughts as there was a knock that I could hear from my bedroom. My prediction was Theo most likely called someone to see if they'd get through to me.
As I suspected, Razzle came walking into my room in a matter of seconds.
"Hey angel," he spoke sweetly and took a seat on the edge of my bed.
"Hey," I greeted lightly.
"I know you didn't tell Theo anything but if you want someone to talk to you know that I'm a safe."
I'm glad he was here, I think if I had to put my life in someone's hands I'd choose his. He was someone who never let me down, and that was rare.
"I'm scared," I admitted without looking at him. "I'm scared of everything."
"What happened, Alice?"
I took a deep breath before speaking, it wasn't comforting to talk about it but I wanted him to know. "I had a nightmare about Ricky. He acted identical to my father and- and I got scared, even after I woke up. I told Ricky about it and now we're separated, I guess."
Saying that out loud made me realize how pathetic I sounded, like a lovesick teenager.
"There's something else," Razzle caught. "What is it?"
I shook my head disappointingly, "I thought I had finally been free of my father. Yet he always finds a way to fuck up my life when he isn't even in it."
Razzle let out a quick sigh, "You aren't going to like what I have to say."
"Don't shelter me, tell me."
"Your father isn't here Alice. He's not causing this, you are. You have to deal with your trauma-"
"I've dealt with it!" I defended in a frustrated tone.
"With what? A bottle of booze and a pack of cigarettes?"
I rolled me eyes up, "it happened a long time ago, I don't have anymore trauma to deal with."
"If you keep up that attitude you'll never get Ricky back."
I lifted my head up and glared into him, "get out."
"You're still being abused Alice, maybe not by the hands of your parents but by yourself. You aren't dealing with all trauma and abuse you've been through and it is murdering you on the inside."
I was beyond frustrated by how much sense he made.
"Then what do I do?" I asked through gritted teeth.
"You need to decide that for yourself, this is your battle, it has been for years."
I nodded; taking in his every word. "I'm sorry," I whispered an apology.
"Don't do that," Razzle said before pulling me into a hug. "Don't ever apologize for who you are."
DAY TWO
I got out of bed today, I showered, brushed my teeth, got ready, ate. Razzle's words were stuck in my head, I needed to deal with my trauma, I've understood that's also the reason Ricky let me go. This was something I needed to do on my own terms.
Although I wondered what Ricky was doing right now. What if he was with another girl? What if he was with Candace? I scolded myself for thinking so low of him.
A knock at the front door sounded, I figured it was Theo and he just forgot his keys or something. I opened the door to see Mandy's warm smile.
"I brought wine," she gushed and held up a bottle of white wine.
I happily let her inside and shut the door behind her.
"Did Theo call you?" I couldn't help but ask. I took a seat back on the sofa as Mandy went into the kitchen and grabbed two wine glasses.
"Actually, Ricky did." The sound of his name made my eyes shoot up. "He just thought you'd really need some company right now."
"As long as you don't lecture me I'm happy to have you."
She laughed, "well if you need some advice or anything I'm happy to give it to you."
Mandy handed me the filled wine glass and took a seat next to me.
"I'm serious Alice. I know we haven't really talked much about anything."
"I would've talked to you, I just- I didn't know what to say. I didn't think there was anything that needed to be talked about." I told her with nothing but truth in my voice. I was oblivious to my own life, I never thought I needed to open up about my feelings. I thought my life was great because I had moved away from my parents, I never thought for a second that the baggage would haunt me.
"So what's your next step?"
"Do you think maybe therapy would help?" I asked for her opinion as I circled the rim of my wine glass with my finger.
"It's worth a shot, don't you think?
I nodded in agreement. "I'm willing to try anything at this point, I don't want to feel like this anymore."
DAY THREE
I committed to a race today. It's been ages since I've raced and I think it'd be good to get back to it, especially now. Once I pulled up to the race I felt extremely off. Link wasn't here, nor was Trent, Theo, Ricky. It felt empty.
I avoided everyone who crowded the street, the brawl between Link and Ricky was still the talk of the street and that was a conversation I really didn't want to get into.
I didn't know who I was against tonight and frankly I didn't care. I just missed the drive, not the competition, just the feeling I got from the ride itself.
I spotted Candace's blonde hair right away, I envied her. Waiting for her to drop that flag my eyes searched the crowd, I knew he wasn't here but I looked for him anyway
I shifted my sight back to Candace just as she flung the flag down. I hit the gas pedal instantly, my tires skidding against the asphalt before I sped off on the road. I never knew why I let myself drift away from racing, it's something that always made me remember who I was.
I zipped through the road, just a hair ahead of the stranger behind me. I switched gears and quickly sped in front of him. The one thing I hated about racing was that it was over so quickly, races could end in seconds if you wanted them to. Sometimes you get lucky and have suspenseful racers that feel like they last for hours. However, this was not one of those times as I sped through the finish line in record timing.
I zoned myself out once I stepped out of my car, Razzle was quick to find me. "I'm glad you came," he said and held out the bag of cash to me.
I shook my head, "I don't want it."
His eyebrows furrowed, "why not, if you don't mind me asking."
I shrugged my shoulders, "just doesn't feel right."
"Is there anything you'd rather have me do with it? It's technically still yours rather you want it or not."
"Give it to Link," I told him. "He needs it a lot more than I do."
He smiled at me and pointed to my heart, "it's made of gold." He told me once again and the corners of my mouth lifted up.
Razzle walked off, keeping the bag of cash in his hand to give to Link. Once we left, his figure was replaced by Ricky's. I felt my heart stop, we were silent towards one another, a ghostown. He looked the same, though I'm sure I looked like a Tim Burton character with the bags under my eyes from lack of sleep.
I opened my car door and immediately climbed back in, I was back on the main road in no time. I refused to face him, if we needed time apart then we'd do it properly.
I drove home satisfied with myself, I was proud of myself. I was proud that I raced tonight, I was proud that I got off my feet and did something that I love.
By the time I got home, I found Theo slouched on the sofa watching a movie with a bowl of popcorn in his lap. I took a seat next to him.
"You seem to be in a good mood," Theo
recognized immediately.
"I feel good, I had a good race. This feels like the start of something."
Theo gave me a fist bump, "proud of you" he said with a mouth full of popcorn.
Theo and I sat there watching the comedy film as we shared the bowl of buttery popcorn. The movie was soon interrupted by some loud banging on the front door, Theo and I turned to each other.
"Who the hell could that be?"
"No idea," he shrugged as I stood up to answer it.
The second I unlocked the door and opened it I wanted to slam it shut. There he stood with a bone chilling, evil grin on his face.
"I've missed you, princess."
A/N
I know, I know I've been away. I apologize and I will be updating more often!!!
Anyways, how is everyone? Hope you're all staying safe!
Any conspiracies for the next chapter???