********************
Here we go again
Here we go again
Here we go again
********************
HARRY
We'd spent the last few nights in Kyoto, visiting temples, watching cherry blossom trees give up their flowers into the backseat of the Figaro, and buying hair products for Apollo.
She had been quiet lately but she was good. She insisted on driving after our first day here and I caught her writing in her journal on several occasions where she woke up before me.
I was nervous she hadn't been sleeping and was worried if it was because she was next to me, but we had been sharing a bed for awhile so I didn't understand all the confusion I was experiencing.
She seemed more relaxed though... Those mornings I found her writing. I'd like to think that maybe it helped her, and as much as I wanted to know what it was she was jotting down, I always pretended to be asleep so she could keep going.
We were good now, though... she was dead asleep in my arms and the early morning chatter of Kyoto started to buzz outside the cracked window.
We had spent almost a month in Japan and I knew the second Ben realized she didn't need to wear that boot anymore we'd be heading right back to Oakland or wherever the wind took us.
I was ready to get back to work... I wasn't used to not having something to do. I was always on a hit, at a race, doing research... But now everything was different.
I had a feeling we'd have to hide away a lot more then we already had, especially if we killed Luna without taking down Russell and Victor at the same time.
I had been thinking about it a lot lately... how exactly we plan on taking down some of the most affluent and well-connected people in the world. Bentley wasn't trained like I was and we both had a lot more to lose. Rumer, Dorian, Zayn, Apollo, Allergy... Emmy. There was too much at stake and we couldn't afford to be reckless.
She might've been asleep now but I felt her get up earlier, she stirred in her sleep, got up, went to the bathroom, came back and laid there for a minute until I reached my arms out and held her close until her breath evened out.
There was something going on, but it clearly wasn't bad enough that she was detaching... I think she's just homesick. I had been a bit off but that's just because I had Louis on my mind... We went out for dinner and he came up and didn't like talking about the accident... I couldn't help but think about it and it distracted me from what was important right now.
"So you and Louis grew up together?" She asks, sipping on a small cup of coffee.
The waiter gave her a strange look when she asked for it but I glared at him just to get her the coffee. She had been good and was drinking water because there was no diet coke, but she hadn't complained about it as much since after we drove through the cherry blossom canopy.
"With Liam, yes." I reply.
The last thing I needed to talk about right now was Louis. I could picture the accident like if it was last night. I was driving and he was in the passenger seat. Liam was sitting behind me and we were in Wales for a race.
It was around the time I started the whole hitman gig.
Actually, it was the night I got my first kill.
"Where is he?" She asks.
"Back in England, probably. I don't know." I say, my voice more clipped than I'd like.
"Why are you so-"
"I don't want to talk about it, Bentley."
"Full name? Ouch."
It was my fault.
Tense driving leads to accidents. It should've been me that almost died that night, but the universe... the universe spared me. I'd like to think it knew that it was leading me right towards her when it did that. Fortunately Louis is still alive, but I knew he hated me.
I think I'd feel better if he had just died... you can't hate someone from six feet under. Knowing that Louis hated me weighed down on me, no matter how much Liam thought Louis would appreciate a call from me.
I ruined almost everything for him, and then I left.
I haven't seen him since that night.
Tense driving leads to accidents.
Bentley stirs a bit, and I loosen my grip around her, hearing her inhale deeply, signaling she's now awake.
I lean back from my side, back against the mattress and eyes on the ceiling, arms spread out as I feel her turn around to look at me. My eyes turn to look at her face, eyes a little puffy and hair frizzy.
"Good morning." I say, feeling my vocal chords strain like they usually do when I wake up.
"Morning." She returns, gaze running over my features, down to my neck which was probably littered with hickeys she had left on me two nights ago. They move down my chest, stopping right at my navel where the black silk sheets rested before meeting my gaze on her face.
Bentley got her period two days after we got here, and as much as she wanted to fuck in the shower, she stopped herself out of concern for her ankle. I missed being like that with her, but the priority was to ensure that she was healed in time for us to go.
And we had to go. Soon.
"How long have you been up?" She asks.
"A few hours, maybe?" I say, looking at the digital clock on the windowsill. It's 11 o'clock in the morning now.
"Did you sleep well?"
"No." I admit, avoiding her pretty face. I didn't need to be spilling all the worries on my chest... going back to Oakland, killing Luna and the rest of the people who'd come after us, losing this peace we had going on in Japan. If anything happened to anyone around us I knew I'd lose her, and that terrified me more than anything.
"Why not?" She says, flipping over completely until her cheek was on my extended forearm, her right arm tracing the swallows below my chest.
"No reason... just happens sometimes." I deflected, watching her suck her bottom lip into her mouth with hesitation, as if she could sense I was lying.
"You're lying." She states.
"No I'm not."
"When you lie..." she starts, resting her warm palm over the tattoo on my sternum. "When you lie, your heart beats so fast that the butterfly threatens to fly away. I can see its wings flutter." She whispers.
"I'm not lying." I say again, trying to calm my heartbeat as she pulls her hand away, sitting up a bit so she can watch my chest rise and fall.
It's not beating fast from the lie, though. It's beating because it's always like that when she's around these days.
She sighs, and I expect her to say something about me bullshitting her, but she doesn't. She takes her eyes away from me, staring into the distance of the ceiling.
"Are you afraid of dying?" She says so low that it's almost a whisper.
All I can think about is the multiple conversations we'd had... conversations about how she was okay with me killing her if I had to, or about how she didn't mind dying because everyone dies.
"She betrayed him." I say plainly.
"She loved him." She returns.
"You know she died in the end, right?" I say, and she turns to face me a little more.
Her eyes were haunting as she spoke her next words.
"We all die in the end."
It left a bad taste in my mouth... thinking about how much ease she found in death. How neutral she felt about it. I was no stranger to death. I had killed hundreds by now. I had to beg her to care about her own life at certain points because I needed at least one of us to care about our lives.
I knew me not being around anymore would alleviate a lot of shit. There'd be nothing for Luna or anyone to hold over my head when it came to Emmy. She'd get everything that was mine. She'd get my money, the Tokyo flat, the Oakland loft, my flat in London. She'd get Arlo, too.
That was what got me into this mess in the first place. What kept me in it was Ben and rage.
I was a servant to my anger whenever it took over and Bentley had to be my greatest weakness now that Emmy had surveillance on her at all times. Ben's life wasn't even in her hands because I don't think she values it as much as I do.
Bentley Hale already had a death wish when I met her.
Getting involved with me was the final signature on the dotted line to hell.
"Harry?" She says, reeling me back into our conversation.
Am I afraid of dying?
Completely and shamefully.
"No... I don't think so." I return, taking a deep breath. "Sometimes."
"I'm not afraid of dying either... But I think I'm afraid of death... I think I'm terrified."
I don't move but my breathing changes at her admission. My eyes shoot to hers, and I don't think she even realizes that I'm looking at her as she rests her head on the pillow, black silk caressing her.
Death and dying are two different things. Death doesn't necessarily happen to us. It happens to those around us. Dying happens to us. People could be dying but that's not what Bentley means... she's talking about herself.
Her death.
Her dying.
I stay quiet, examining her for a bit. She's lost in her own world, something she'd always done. I remember watching Claritin snap her out of her little trances every time we'd all be together.
I don't want to be the one to wake her up from whatever she's thinking about... she looks at peace. Even in morbidity, I can see her finding a pocket of an emotion she likes.
She buries herself in serenity for a moment.
But that moment doesn't last long.
Her breathing is uneven, nose wrinkling and eyes shutting as a single tear rolls down her cheek.
"Hey, hey... Ben... what's wrong?" I say, sitting up, flipping over so my head hovered over hers.
"Nothing... these aren't sad tears... at least I don't think they are." She speaks carefully.
I bring my hands up to her cheeks, wiping the tears off carefully before asking her what kind of tears she was crying.
"Relief... fear." She tells me, eyes never leaving the ceiling.
"Of dying?"
"I've never been scared before." She whispers.
"Why not?"
"Because there was nothing to live for, so dying and death were easy."
She's not looking at me... and she closes her eyes again before smiling softly.
I keep my silence, waiting for her to say something.... anything.
"Bentley," I start, running my fingers through her hair as her eyes focus their gaze on my floppy curls.
I need a haircut.
"Yes?" She returns, voice small.
"There's always something to live for." I say, watching her wince at my words. "I know it's hard to see that-"
"It's impossible." She cuts me off. "I didn't want this... I didn't want to have this grand realization that for a split second... I feared dying."
"People are always afraid of dying.... where is this coming from, Ben?" I ask gently.
My fingers slip out of her hair, the sweet scent of jasmine with hints of sage and honey filling my senses.
"Your heart's beating fast again."
"You're changing the subject."
"Everything is fine... I just wanted to get you out of your mind and got caught in my own." She sighs. "It's just weird... you know? Knowing you're going to die, but not knowing when. It's like, I've been waiting for it to happen my whole life with no reluctance... but sometimes, I cross my fingers and hope it doesn't happen that day." She trails off.
I frown at her honesty, especially with something so bittersweet. I don't know what changed within her but knowing she lived her life this far with a death wish just broke me. I don't know what changed within her but the thing about Bentley is that you never know what to expect.
She might be afraid of death today, but tomorrow she could be kissing the grim reaper.
It's the scariest part about loving her.
"Why do you want to die?" I say, my rough hands smoothing over the silky skin of her neck. Watching soft goosebumps appear across her entire chest, the buttons of my silk shirt on her low.
"I just know it's coming. It's the beauty of being human, isn't it? You wake up every morning until you don't. It's ephemeral." She says, sniffling. "The one thing you don't have control of."
"Is that why you like driving?" I ask.
"I do everything with purpose. I like control because I like to compensate for other things that I can't control...." She sighs. "What I didn't get to control."
I don't push or ask anything anymore. I watch her take a deep breath before pushing me back a bit, my back hitting the mattress again as she drapes her right leg over my legs, cheek pressed against my pec for a moment before she lifts her head up, placing a kiss over my heart.
"You've got a good heart, Harry fuckin' Styles...."
"This heart's dark as hell." I return.
"But it'll beat as long as you let it." She says, her fingers tapping along to the evened beat of it.
"I wouldn't call it good."
"It's a good heart, and even if it is dark as hell... we're fond of hell anyway." She laughs.
"Well of course the sinner would think that." I tease, my palm smoothing over the curve of her spine.
"I walked without the boot this morning." She speaks.
I saw her walking on it this morning... that's when everything became clear.
We were on a time crunch now and there was no time to waste. We needed to get rid of Luna now. I was already pissed at her for holding Emmy over my head but it only got worse the more happened. Well torturing me was enough to send me spiraling but Luna Sade just kept digging a deeper grave every time she made a choice. She hurt Bentley in more ways than one... and hurting her, was hurting me.
I've never dealt with hurt well... and as much as I liked pain, inflicting it was a whole new level of a high.
"Yeah? How's the leg?" I say, eyes blinking slowly.
"Should be good enough to get back to business." She returns, pushing a stray hair behind her ear before leaning her head back on the pillow.
"I'm going to see if Michi can use a connection to get us a flight on a Dragon plane... you should call everyone and let them know that we're going back."
"To Oakland?" She says, a bit more excited.
"Yeah. I've got a ton of shit I need if we want to get back to work and I know you miss it. Plus, Luna wouldn't be stupid enough to be in Oakland right now."
She nods, slipping out of bed, my silk shirt draped across her soft body as she walks on her leg... no boot.
"Look at you, Bentley fuckin' Hale, walking and shit." I say, leaning up on my elbows.
"I told you... strong bones." She teases, grabbing one of the phones from the box and ripping it open. "What time is it in New York?"
"They're fourteen hours ahead."
"Oh. Well, Zayn doesn't sleep anyway." She shrugs, dialing the number as I get up to call Michi.
She picks up quickly, saying that there's no worries and they could have a jet set up for us within the next two hours. I thank her profusely before hanging up, looking at Bentley, whose hands are a little shaky again.
"You alright? Hands are shaking again." I say.
"Withdrawals, probably. I just need to chew some of the gum." She replies, eyes avoiding mine as she scampers over towards the suitcases.
We left them packed because we never knew when we'd have to run.
She places the gum in her mouth but her hands still shake even after minutes of just sitting down and chewing on it. Her eyes failed to meet mine a few times over the week out of fear and it made me nervous but she didn't need to be asked any questions... especially if she wasn't feeling like herself.
"The plane will be ready in two hours. We have to drive to the landing strip so we should leave soon." I say, pursing my lips before turning around.
"Got it." She clicks her tongue, walking into the bathroom. "How long is the fli-"
"14 hours." I finish for her, kneeling down to grab some of the mess we had left in the room, hearing the door close.
*****
"Do you think that they're-"
"BENNY!"
"Oh for fucks sake... Ow!" I say, wincing at the feeling of Bentley's backpack dropping onto my foot as Dorian ambushes her body for a hug.
I'd normally find pain arousing but when a man child is the one inflicting it.... not so much.
I swear, sometimes he acts more like a 10 year old more than a 19 year old.
"Hi D," Bentley says, voice filled with relief and a light laugh. "Nice to see you're- Why are you wearing gloves?"
"Oh." Dorian says, looking down at his hands. "It's cold." He shrugs.
Liar.
Bentley rolls her eyes at him, walking past him and into the apartment, where it smells like a mixture of weed and Indian food from that place in Berkeley that Ben took me one time.
"Benny!" Everyone exclaims, walking towards her. Apollo's in gloves too, but she hasn't noticed.
I stand behind her, putting our bags down and watching as Benadryl gives her an embrace, slapping her upside the head for getting tricked by Luna and then bringing her back in for another hug.
"Hooker Hairy Styles the Pornstar Boyfriend! How the fuck are you still around."
"I don't know, Flonase, you tell me." I taunt, and she rolls her eyes.
"Watch your mouth, Harold."
"You know... Allegra kind of sounds like Algebra... you're good at maths, right?" I add, coming up with a brand new nickname.
"Fuck you."
"Yeah yeah, I missed you too, Trigonometry." I say, stepping back towards the door frame after waving at everyone else.
Rumer follows, and then Zayn, who has a brand new hairstyle.
"Oh I like this one Z... are those flowers?" Bentley asks, running her hands over his buzzed head.
"Yes ma'am. Next up is the smiley face." He winks. "Might use your sink to do it."
"If you stain my sink again I'll fucking deep fry you."
"I'd prefer being air fried." He says, and she seats his shoulder, making him laugh and run off back to the bunk bed.
Apollo approaches Bentley and she doesn't mention the gloves, but it's definitely because she's distracted by his showing off of a new tattoo.
"Harry, good to see you again." Rumer says, placing his palm flat on my shoulder.
It was fatherly, in a way. Rumer had this caring disposition and I had always felt it, even when I was an asshole to him in the hallway that first day. He was calming and trustworthy, and he was probably the wonder twin I liked the most.
"You too Rumer." I return, leaning back against the wall.
We're watching Bentley sit between Zayn and Allergy, reaching her hand into the samosas, and that's when I notice Dorian and Apollo taking pills in the kitchen, behind the fudge so Bentley couldn't see.
"What are you two doing?" I say, whisper shouting and waking over there.
I can hear Rumer sigh from behind me and when I get to Dorian, I trip the orange bottle out of his hands, worried that he had broken his sobriety and that everyone here was fucking enabling him.
"Harry-"
"What the fuck is wrong with you Apollo? Giving him drugs!" I say, voice a little louder but I'm cut off by the feeling of pressure in my ditched gunshot wound from when Mr. Belvedere shot me. "What is with you and hurting me today?" I say, dropping the bottle on the floor and gripping my shoulder.
"You need to shut the fuck up man. These aren't drugs." Apollo says.
"Yeah? Then what are they?" I shoot back, bending over to pick up the bottle but Dorian kicks it away.
Rumer's just watching this whole thing go down and hits only when I grab Dorian by the collar of his shirt and slam him into the fridge that he moves.
"Ow! Harry-"
"What the fuck are the pills if they aren't-"
"They're antibiotics." Rumer says, and I hear Apollo scoff and Dorian whimper when I let him go.
"Goddamn it Rumer." Apollo grits.
"Are you two ill?" I ask, confused as to the significance of the antibiotics. "Why are you taking antibiotics?"
I can hear Bentley's laugh behind the kitchen wall from the bunk bed and my jaw unclenches but I'm still confused. "Someone start talking before I call Ben over here." I threaten.
I see Dorian playing with the glove and notice that one of the fingers in the glove isn't as firm as the other ones.
I move quickly, pinching the lopsided finger with my hand and shooting my eyes wide open at the feeling of a cotton-ish filling in it.
I move again, grappling with Apollo for a moment before doing the same to him and hearing plastic crinkle in the empty middle finger socket.
"Apollo.... Dorian..... where are your fingers?" I say, feeling Rumer's eyes on them as they remain silent. "Start fucking talking. And take the gloves off."
Dorian doesn't hesitate, and Apollo puffs his chest in rebuttal but Rumer clicks his tongue and it comes off, revealing their hands with severed middle fingers.
The same fingers they had their King tattoos on.
Fuck.
"Who did this?" I snarl, looking at Dorian's hand.
A missing middle finger really throws off the balance of a hand. At least it's not infected.
"Luna did." Rumer says. "Well, more like she had someone do it."
Luna? But they were in Florida with-
"Tell me that you two wankers were in Florida with Flonase."
"Okay.... we were in Florida with Allegra." Dorian squeaks.
"Bentley's going to fucking lose it." I say, grabbing Dorian's hand. The stitching was done well, and it would heal properly as long as they took the fucking antibiotics properly, but I was properly pissed off right now.
"Rumer. Why didn't you say anything!" I grit, turning around.
"I found out when I walked in here and Allie, Dorian and Apollo were sitting. That was like 30 minutes ago man."
I hear Bentley's light footsteps approach the kitchen and I hear her loud gasp when she sees Dorian and Apollo gloveless.
Here we fucking go.
"Where the hell are your middle fingers?" She snaps, eyes vicious as she approaches.
"Uh.... magic trick! They're gone." Dorian starts, and I swear it takes everything in me not to slam him back into the- oh, nice job Bentley.
"Ouch! What's with you and the hooker slamming me into things?" He says, pouting at the impact.
"Dorian. I swear to god. Where the fuck is your finger!" She says, voice laced with concern and anger. Apollo stands near, knowing that he was also being chastised, but Bentley is far more protective of Dorian than anyone else.
She'll blame herself... I just could hope she could find it in her to not blame herself after this.
"Disney World?" He says hesitantly.
Jesus Christ, Dorian.
"Oh this is going to be good." Allergy pipes up from behind me, followed by Zayn. We were all in the kitchen now, watching this unfold.
"So you're telling me Mickey Mouse bit off you fucking fingers and shared them with Minnie for some protein?" She snaps.
"Exactly." Apollo replies.
"Give me the knife. I'm cutting their thumbs off too."
She drags Dorian and Apollo to the counter, putting their hands on it and grabbing a knife from the block, holding it firmly.
"Start talking, D." She grits, grazing the knife over the skin of Dorian's thumb.
"Oh please don't cut my thumb off, it's already hard enough to jerk off without my middle finger." He pleads, and everyone but Bentley laughs.
"Dorian..."
"Okay fine! It was Luna's guys... new ones. They cut our fingers off because we aren't Kings anymore and the tattoo was on them." He speaks quickly.
"Okay... but how on earth would they have found you if you were in Florida with Allie?"
She knows the answer... she just wants to hear it.
"We weren't in Florida." Apollo says with honesty. "We came home."
"W-Why?" She says, putting the knife down and letting Dorian go. "We agreed to stay to protect ourselves. Why would you come back here?"
Loyalty. Gang ties. King over blood and that's the way the world turns.
They always knew they'd have to choose between Luna and Bentley one day... Especially after everything happened between them.
They chose Bentley.
"We were loyal to Oakland, Benny. We had to come back. We knew what was coming."
"She could have killed you!" She bites.
"But she didn't. Look, you can be angry but there's no point. What's done is done. We're sorry for lying, but we aren't sorry that all ties to the Kings have been severed. Officially." Apollo finishes.
"Allegra, why the fuck didn't you tell me?"
"To be fair, they did come to Florida, but they left. I'm sorry I didn't say anything.... But I didn't know any of this happened until my flight came in this morning."
Everyone falls into a silence, eyes watching each other to see who'd speak first. Who'd be the one to say something... anything.
"You know what.... Whatever." Bentley exhales. "Just don't do that shit again. I'm glad you're okay. I need a diet coke. Like, right now."
Zayn moves to the kitchen, opening the fridge and tossing her a can of diet coke, which she cracks open easily and starts drinking as if it were the very last drop of water on earth.
I think that diet coke is the one thing that's keeping her sane right now.
"Holy fuck, I've missed that." She says, and everyone laughs lightly. "Did you guys buy groceries?" She asks Rumer, who says no.
"I need to get stuff for my place too, Ben. Let's go?" I ask, moving towards the door. She follows, getting one last look at Dorian and Apollo's hands.
"Hey, D, Apollo," She calls out, their heads shooting up to look at her.
She flips them the bird, and out of instinct, both of their hands come up, but they're just fists with little numbs of knuckle left.
"Oh this is just too good." Bentley cackles. "Maybe Luna did do something right."
"That's fucking low, Bentley." Apollo speaks.
"She broke my ankle and cut off your fingers, all she's doing is digging a deeper grave for herself." Ben clicks.
She turns around and we start walking down the stairs. "Where are your keys? Aren't you going to drive?" I say.
"Haven't been in Arlington in awhile."
"Arlo. His name is Arlo."
"Isn't that what I said?"
"You're the worst." I say, turning the corner towards my door and digging in my pockets for the keys.
"Alright, let's go Hooker Harry." She claps, rushing me to give her the keys to the door.
"Would you stop calling me that?" I say.
"Where's the fun in that?" She returns with a light laugh in her voice before opening the door to my place with the Bobby pin in her hair. "Just like old times."
"And to think you used to ask for a key." I tease.
"I never said I didn't still want it."
"Maybe if you're lucky." I return, grabbing the keys to Arlo from the counter and turning out so we could exit.
Allergy comes out behind us on the stairs, her own car keys in hand.
"I thought you guys had left?" She says.
"Harry needs his car keys." Ben returns. "You going to work?"
"Yeah, boss just called me in for some coding shit." She rolls her eyes.
We walk towards the door which leads to the garage and the second I open it I see her green Bronco and the covered Pontiac. Allergy's car is parked to the left of the Bronco. I turn my head to the right, expecting to see Arlo in all his glory but-
"Where's Arlo?" Ben speaks up.
"Who the fuck is Arlo?" Allergy asks.
"Harry?" Ben says, grabbing my wrist.
The keys drop to the floor, an echo being heard around the cement garage as I stare blankly at the empty parking lot, taking a few steps closer to it, hearing glass crunch under the soles of my shoes.
"Oh my god." Bentley says, approaching behind me. "Ha-"
"Don't." I grit. "Don't say a word."
*****************************************
AN:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
DON'T KILL ME (YET)
okay i'm back (sort of)
i'm visiting family right now and won't be able to update as frequently for the rest of the week but i'm writing nonstop!! come hang out on twitter with me, will you? my user is rbllstyles and i'm scarily active.
i love you
ARABELLA.