A/N: Okay guys, just to avoid any confusion. Lisa knew Bam Bam killed Rosie's parents and that he was in prison since she's a relative and she would have to be informed by the authorities. When she told Rosie in the last chapter she didn't know, she meant she didn't know he would do it while they were still dating in college. Lisa only found out shortly after Rosie left her. So she's known for 3 years but didn't tell Rosie. And obviously, the Kim couple knows as well since Lisa is their friend (and they could've just looked it up also lol, there's just no way they wouldn't know), and losing her brother was also among the reasons she distanced herself and just turned into a whole another person (aside from because Rosie left her, obviously). Hope that clears up any confusion :)
-
Unknown number :
Rosie, please pick up the phone
Unknown number :
I'm so so sorry, I swear I had no idea he would do that
Unknown number :
Please, can we talk?
Unknown number :
I wanted to tell you so many times but I was so fucking scared, Rosie
I was scared of this, of losing you
And I was scared of hurting you
But perhaps I should've told you, regardless.
Because if I was to lose you anyway, at least you should've heard it from me
Unknown number :
Don't ignore me, Rosie
Please
Unknown number :
I'm miserable without you
I can't go on like this
Unknown number :
I can't lose you again
Unknown number :
Eyyy Rosiiie I knoe yoif mad at me righttt noew bit thsts okayya
Ill waittt fro youuu
Im soooo sorreyyy I hrrt you bit I wss onlyy tring to prrotecttt youi
bAby pleaae come bac to mee
Unknown number :
Dd yoi remeber orrr sonf?
It went someting lke
Yur thr rigt time at the right mment someting smthing ITS YOUUUU
we dnced to iT tofether onccc remeber?
gess now Im dancng to it alone
ThoUg thiS girL tried to dnce with me but I told her NOII
I alreadd have mah Rossssie
Anway i hopp your doingg OKAYYYYYY
Itz so cooool herE izz spinninggg
Gorra go noe bootiful
Unknown number :
Please talk to me
Unknown number :
Fuck Rosie, please! I need you, I really do
I know I fucked up big time, but please at least let me explain
I beg you, Rosie
I fucking beg you
Hate me all you want just please let me explain
Unknown number :
It's foolish, isn't it?
What even is there to explain
You know the truth, anyway
I just... I need to see you... please, Rosie
Unknown number :
Heii gorgus
i have a questn fur yoii
iz relly importn
Shiiiiiiiiiiiit I forgt
Unknown number :
Nevrmindd I rememberrred u gorra pay attention thogh
iz relly imprtnt
Roise did yoi sit in a pilee of sugarrr?
Causd you gor a prety sweet assssssss
Unknown number :
I miss you
Unknown number :
i mss yoi
Unknown number :
Okay, I get it
I don't know what else I can do anymore, so I'll do what I've always done
I'll let you be happy
Even if it's without me
Goodbye, Rosie
...
Her texts were distributed throughout the last couple of weeks I've been radio silent. How else could it be, anyway? I had nothing left to say. There was nothing more to tell. Not on her part and not on mine. Explain that's what she wanted. Explain what exactly? How she tricked me? How she lied to me for months along with her friends who clearly weren't mine? Did she perhaps want to drive one more knife through my heart, so I could fall down to my knees and collapse in the pool of my own blood as I'd bleed out?
No matter what it was, I couldn't do it. Even if my stupid, foolish heart ached every time, she would cross my mind or my head forced a memory for me in dreamland after I've forcefully banished them throughout the day. Despite everything that's happened, she was still all I could think about, and if not lucid, then when I was out cold, waking up in a sweat and gasping for air to fill my lungs because the woman my heart longed wasn't there. Which I kept telling myself was a good thing. Because it was. I didn't want to have her anywhere near me ever again. I couldn't.
Truthfully, my anger dissipated after about a week or two. I realized it wasn't her who took my parents from me. It wasn't her fault what happened. She didn't deliver the final blow to their hearts, ending their lives in an instant. It was him. And though she was his sister, she was a different person. Lisa was Lisa, the one she's always been, and he was... well... a murderer.
But even if I came to this conclusion, it changed nothing. Not really. The truth remained the same, still hidden and obscured from my eyes, but nevertheless what I did know was truthful and painful. She lied. Every time she woke up beside me, she made the conscious decision to lie. For whatever reason it was, it wouldn't be enough to justify. She deceived me and kept on choosing the same path over and over again, perhaps hoping I would never find out. Perhaps trying to keep it from me forever so I would just end up being the same lovesick college student I've been before.
It didn't matter if her plan was to shatter me before or after. The end result would always remain the same. And whether she planned all this, whether she knew and did all of this as an act of sick revenge to bestow upon me, I no longer cared. I was numb to it all, to all the feelings, to all the thoughts. With her things torn to pieces and burned in the bathtub of my home, my feelings were split in two, turning to ashes as well. Ashes that were blown away by the wind carried in the arms of my deceased parents, who looked over me from above, settling their ghostly hands upon my shoulders comfortingly.
I wished I could feel their touch, draw from their comfort, now more than ever. But I had no one. I didn't have friends. I didn't have a lover. I didn't have a family. No, Park Chaeyoung was completely and utterly alone, safe for the baby growing in her stomach. The baby I couldn't help but momentarily wish wouldn't be there, so I wouldn't have a reason to hold on, anymore. But I couldn't take my baby girl with me. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't drag her to the depths of the underworld alongside me just because I was tired of living. No, she deserved better than that.
She was who I tried to think about when my thoughts circled back to the Thai woman with piercing brown eyes. And though it would help for a while, it was never enough to keep her out of my head and out of my heart. Perhaps that was the reason I couldn't bring myself to block her number. Perhaps that was why, despite deleting her number on my phone, I would read all her messages over and over again and stare at the screen blankly, partially numb, and partially feeling everything.
Feeling the heartbreak, feeling the constricting of my chest, the way my eyes would sting and my nostrils would flare. Despite trying not to, and banishing all emotions, I would still feel them so intensely, though it felt more like ambient noise, always present, but never loud enough.
However, in spite of my feelings for the beautiful woman, I couldn't allow myself to fall back into the rabbit hole she dug out for me. I couldn't see her again. Even if a part of me screamed at me to just go to her, to let her explain, and to trust her. But I knew better now. Now, I was aware there was no one I could trust, not even the woman I've entrusted my heart with and would follow to the ends of the earth. It was a mistake. She was.
My love would die down soon enough and with no reminders of her presence, I could finally move on, even if deep down perhaps I didn't want to. Because it was better for me. It was safe and secure. And it was less painful. I would always see the reminder of what I've lost in her eyes, my heart empty as I'd stare back at the sister of their murderer.
Jisoo and Jennie also tried to contact me a few times, though it was significantly fewer times than Lisa has, considering she was blowing my phone until just a few days ago.
I didn't have to block either of the Kims however, deleting their numbers sufficing, seeing as they only texted me a few times clearly much less desperate to talk to me than the Thai. The last text they sent to me saying they knew I didn't want to hear from any of them at the moment and that they would give me the space I desired. Along with apologizing profusely and telling me it wasn't their place to tell.
And perhaps they were right. It really wasn't their place. Lisa should've been the one to tell me. However, I couldn't shake the feeling they were only taking part in hiding it from me further. That they, just like Lisa, wanted to get back at me. Even though deep down I knew that wasn't the intention of either of the three women. But it made avoiding them easier. Making myself believe they were all vengeful made me feel less like I was abandoned, and rather that I was set free.
But just like my thoughts of Lisa, that only helped when I was lucid, because not only did Lisa play the main character in my dreams now, so did they. And worst of all, my parents joined all of them too from time to time. It has never been that bad before, never this devastating. Each night I was scared to close my eyes resulting in falling asleep in compromising positions or everywhere but in the bedroom, as I tried to occupy my mind and stay awake.
I'm not sure what I was trying to achieve, really. Perhaps I wanted to stay awake forever to drive away the thoughts of those who brought me misery. And despite knowing I couldn't stay awake forever, not once has it stopped me from trying. Whether it was by reading a book until the early hours of the morning or falling asleep to the sound of a movie. Sleep always found its way to me, once again reminding me I wasn't my own person, even deep in slumber.
Chanyeol had all power over me when I was awake, and dreadful dreams did when I was asleep. I wondered what have I done to deserve all that. It made sense before when I believed I was the sole bad guy in this story, but now, not so much. I was the one who suffered loss, the one who was locked up in a cage comprising powerful arms and alcohol reeking breath of my husband. I was the one who was fooled and being lied to this entire time. So why did I still have to suffer?
Perhaps it was payback for not letting Lisa be when she asked me so many times. When she practically pleaded, I leave her alone, when she would say she never wanted to see me again. Fuck, how I wished I listened then. How I wished to erase all the memories, not only from a few weeks ago but all of them. How I wished I could just go back in time and do it all again.
I was better off alone. Humans are bound to hurt each other at some point in life. It's inexorable. Whether it's purposeful or unintentional. We all hurt another during our lives. And I knew this all along. I tried to stay alone, only letting Jisoo in, which in hindsight might have been a mistake as well. But Lisa, that damn girl who was just so unshakable. The girl who would follow me around campus like a lost puppy, infuriating me beyond belief.
No matter how many times I would turn around, even give up going where I initially planned just to shake her off, she would still follow just to, I don't know, annoy me. No matter how many times I would ask her why she was following me, her answer would always be if perhaps it was me who was following her, even if that made no sense at all.
The same idiot who would disrupt my focus by approaching me on campus when I was fully indulged in my music just to ask me something completely ridiculous, like whether I did grass angels. Like who does that? She did, apparently, as she was so quick to demonstrate.
No matter how mean or cold I was to the girl, she was relentless to the point I would, dare I say, miss her. To the point I would look for her when I would walk to campus, secretly hoping to see her beautiful and irritating face. Not that I would ever admit it.
Despite doing everything I could to stay alone, she slithered her way into my life. So when I seemed to make the younger actually sad, an invisible string tugged at my heart. A feeling I wasn't comfortable with and was completely unknown to me. I could go on with never seeing her again. I could get used to not having her annoying me even though I looked for her after she's done it before. But right there, on the roof with her crestfallen expression, I knew I was screwed. That somehow, I cared.
If only she would stop then. If only she left me alone then, and never approached me on the rooftop, I would be so much happier. I would still be alone and I would never find myself in this situation. I would graduate from UCLA and make a living for myself. I would get a dog, maybe a cat too, and move out of Los Angeles into a house secluded from civilization, keeping to myself. Or perhaps I would move right here, to New York, however, out of my own free will, and I buy a loft. That was my plan, one that Lisa interfered with and annihilated.
And now I was here. All thanks to her. Hurt, depressed, desperate, alone. But not in a way I wanted to. Alone, in the worst way possible. Because after having a taste, a glimpse of happiness, and what it was like to be with someone, I didn't want to be alone again. Loneliness was no longer appealing to me. Not having her by my side was not something I wanted anymore. It was torture.
This was torture. These conflicting feelings. A part of me resenting her completely and never wanting to see her again. But a part of me was loving her still, wanting nothing more but to run into her arms that would wrap around my body, pulling me in and warming my cold heart with her own, beating steadily against my chest.
Perhaps that was why I was toying with my ring, even now. Why I didn't throw it away, letting it sink deep in the east river, touching the muddy bottom and staying there for all eternity along with my love, that I should have buried a long time ago. Love, that was never supposed to be there in the first place.
I hated myself for it. Loathed the feeling in my chest, spreading through my body, through my fingertips, tracing the golden ring, knowing she had its other half. If only was it the ring, it would be so much easier. If only was it a piece of jewelry, completely meaningless to me now. But it wasn't. Because it was never about the ring.
As ridiculous as it sounded, our hearts were matching too, both of us always carrying the other half of the whole. It was never the ring; it was always my heart. And within the small diamond sitting in the center of the cross was the bridge to hers. A direct pathway to the organ she claimed beat for me only.
But her ring had a direct path to mine, the crystals as if connected to one another. Her hurt became mine, and mine became hers. And though it hurt to even feel it, let alone look at it, I couldn't let it go. I couldn't separate from the last piece of her, the last part that made me whole.
Then again, it would never be this way if we never happened in the first place. It wasn't right to live in your head, indulge in thoughts of what could have been. It wasn't healthy, and I knew firsthand how destructive it could be. Yet, I couldn't help myself but think back to those times when everything seemed to be just so darn easy.
Maybe it was just another fight where no one wins. It always was. It was funny how things changed, how she didn't care for the first time, and now it was me who wasn't careful anymore. Is this a game for you? Maybe it was a silly question to ask. Because have I paid closer attention I would've noticed. So you hurt me, and then I hurt you back. I push, you pull. It was always the same.
Back then I was so tangled in my feelings, caught up in the small things, like the way you smelled or the way you caught my eyes across the room and smile. But then it all changed when I left and I thought that this pain was part of love and I broke you, though I didn't mean to. And I wondered if you could if you'd go back and stop yourself.
And now I know that if I got the chance, I would have. Because it would make everything so much easier. Because when I looked back at us, I wasn't happy anymore.
If I could go back and tell myself to leave it, perhaps I would. Knowing what I know now, I would have. The hurt wasn't worth it. The pain and hatred we felt towards each other at one point or another wasn't worth all the times we've spent loving each other.
I hated to admit it, knowing a part of me felt guilty for even thinking the words, but I wasn't happy that we happened, Lisa. You might have taught me how to let somebody in and how to let go of the past, fall apart and then get up again. But in the end, it was you who hurt me the most. The very same person who wriggled their way into my life, who I let in and let myself fall apart in front of, only to fall apart because of you.
It was cruel, all the feelings running through my veins. It was cruel that even now I couldn't make up my mind. Even now, I couldn't be sure of my thoughts because while a part of me, a very big one at that, wanted to have nothing to do with you, a small but very resilient part of me screamed at me to stop. To stop lying to myself. To stop living in a pretend reality where I no longer cared. The little part of me that screamed and ached for you despite everything.
But I would push it back. Because you didn't deserve me feeling this way. You didn't deserve my remorse or guilt. Nor my love. Not after everything you've done.
So why does my heart ache for you still? Why, even after everything, I knew that deep down my answer remained unchanged.
You. It will always be you I wish for.
-
"You ready, darling?" Chanyeol asked from downstairs, and I leaned over the banister to peek at his face as I answered.
"Give me ten more minutes!"
"You are aware that even we have to be on time for your appointments, right? You can't pay for everything, Chaeyoung!"
"It's fine, we'll be on time," I rolled my eyes since he couldn't see.
"It's like you don't even want to go there," he chuckled lightly but I heard it, "You're always so eager to go, and now it's like you're purposefully stalling."
"I am not though," I argued.
"I know, just hurry up. I want to meet my son already."
Today was the first time Chanyeol would accompany me to the gynecologist, and simultaneously, it would be the first time he would meet his offspring, who most definitely wasn't a boy. The appointment was scheduled just a few days before my actual monthly since I've been experiencing some pains recently, and even bled a little once. And though the doctor said over the phone it didn't have to mean anything, he said we should come in sooner, just in case.
But other than finding out if everything was okay, Chanyeol would find out the gender of his heir and that was certainly not something I was looking forward to. Thankfully, the doctor agreed not to say anything and so my secret was safe once I'd mirror his surprised reaction upon the revelation. However, I knew that just because I'd seem just as taken aback as he'd be, it wouldn't save me in the future.
Obviously, it wasn't my fault that our child would be a girl. How could it? But he wouldn't see it that way. His genes were really strong, he said, so of course, it must've been my fault. I probably created a girl in my stomach just to spite him. That's probably what he'd be thinking anyway, and no matter what I would try to say in my defense, it would not be enough.
I should have probably been dreading this moment, feel sick to my stomach all day, and anxious, but I didn't. It was true that I was trying to stall, doing my makeup for longer than usual, and taking more time to pick out an outfit to wear, but I wasn't terrified as I expected I would. Perhaps it was because I loved my daughter too much to care about his opinion and what would follow the appointment, or perhaps I was too numb to everything since I found out the disturbing truth.
However, I wasn't a masochist, so I wanted to delay the inevitable as much as possible, knowing what wrath would come with it. But whatever my punishment would be for carrying a girl, I couldn't be bothered at all anymore. Because that little baby girl was the only thing keeping me alive; keeping me happy, and he could not take that away from me.
Finishing the last touchups on my makeup, I sighed as I looked myself over in the mirror, facing the sickeningly pale woman staring back at me. Just like every other time, I didn't like her. I despised her eyes, void of life, staring into mine. I despised the tone of makeup she put on to cover the greenish hues of her skin under a "healthy" coating of bronze. She represented everything I hated about myself and I wondered if others could see it too, despite my efforts to conceal her. If perhaps I wasn't as impenetrable as I thought I made myself to be. However, if they noticed, they chose not to say anything, and perhaps it was better that way.
Putting on a show for myself, I smiled, all teeth, no emotion, and walked out of the bathroom, turning my back to the vanity that only brought me despair when facing it. It's like my reflection became my worst enemy over the years. It was kind of sad, wasn't it? Because it wasn't the way people felt at times. It wasn't the way where you simply thought today wasn't your day and no matter what you did, you couldn't look your best. I haven't had my day in years and no matter what I did or didn't do; I despised the lifeless eyes and bony body that looked like it was just on the verge of breaking. Like a gentle breeze could rattle my bones and send me flying across the room.
One step at a time, I neared the end of the staircase and the hallway, where I would reunite with my husband once again and walk together to my appointment. However, when I looked up from my feet, I noticed the open space of our living room was empty, Chanyeol nowhere in sight.
I looked around, searching for his scrawny body and rough features. His harsh eyes roaming my body as if I was prey, but meeting none, because he wasn't there. I thought he was waiting for me downstairs, yet here I was, standing alone.
"Honey?" I called uncertainly but didn't receive an answer in response.
There were only two places where he could be, really, and so I walked towards the double door at the end of the living room that I was so well acquainted with now, wagering he'd probably be in his study. I didn't get the chance to knock and enter, however, his roar soaring through the door, stopping me in my tracks. I knew I shouldn't, yet I stayed put, not moving an inch, trying to make as little noise as possible as I listened in on the animated conversation.
It was so wrong of me to eavesdrop, but I couldn't help it when the first words I heard were, "What do you mean, this isn't working?", hoping that perhaps he would have to depart back to Korea again, leaving me alone. But the further the conversation progressed, the surer I became, that wasn't the case at all.
"You have no idea what you're up against. We had a deal," he growled and I could already picture him pacing up and down the study, phone ready to break in his grip, "You can't just back out now, remember what's at stake you little shit,"
It was silent for a moment before he spoke again, amusement and arrogance lacing his words, "And who would believe you, huh? God, you're so naïve. Just stick to the plan and everything will be just fine."
My brows furrowed in confusion. This clearly wasn't a discussion related to how the PCY's was doing oversees, and my curiosity was growing with each spoken word. I wished I could hear the person on the other line as well and get some insight into the conversation, but I had to wait patiently as Chanyeol let the words of the caller sink in before speaking again.
"Just a few more years and I'll make sure you'll be out of there," he paused mid-sentence, probably interrupted by the other person and I wondered if it was perhaps someone important because normally he wouldn't stand getting cut off. Yet, after a few seconds, he continued calmly, "That's true, but you'll be free, and she'll be safe. Just as promised,"
Safe? Who would be safe? Who is she? The further I listened in on the conversation, the more perplexed I got, and though it was incredibly wrong of me to eavesdrop like this, I couldn't step away and let him take care of his relations in confidence. I was too curious now to walk away, too invested. And so though he went quiet again, I pressed my body closer to the door, searching for his voice.
"Oh, you'll know what I do," he laughed, "That's why you agreed to this in the first place. You are well aware of what I'm capable of."
Another pause and I held my breath in anticipation of his next words that took a while to come. But when they did, my eyes widened in shock, my heart picked up its pace, and my jaw slacked, "I'll kill her too."
Four words. Just four. Yet my head was spinning and my knees felt weak suddenly. Surely I must have misheard. He was an asshole, but he wasn't-... he wouldn't. No, I must've misheard. Must've imagined it. After all, there was a door separating us and he was no longer shouting and talked rather calmly. It would only make sense if I made a mistake. And though I tried to talk myself out of believing the words that he has so clearly not spoken, I couldn't help but wonder if perhaps I've heard him right. The idea that I did, worrying me.
"You think you're some hot shit, huh? That you have some sort of leverage over me?" Chanyeol scoffed, "You're nobody, you hear me? No one will believe you. Your word against mine, who do you think they'll believe. You or a successful lawyer and CEO who is just such a sweet guy. Hm? What do you think?" he mocked the person on the other line, the tone in his voice so familiar from all the times he would talk to his subordinate like he was a superior human being, making my blood boil.
"One word," he warned, no longer sneering but snarling in a low voice, "and I'll make sure she's dead within an hour. You're on very thin ice, my friend. Her life rests on your shoulders. So it's your choice really, I don't care what you do. Either she dies and you spend the rest of your life drowning in guilt, or things go according to plan; you will shut the fuck up and not cause any further trouble, and I'll make sure you get out of there. I have to go now. I hope I don't hear from you again."
I was standing before the door in shock, trying to wrap my head around what I've just heard. Kill who? He said it more than once, said that her life rested on their shoulders. And as much as I wanted to convince myself I've heard wrong, there was just so much misinterpretation I could've done.
Chanyeol was a powerful man that had the world eating from the palm of his hand. That much was clear to me. He could never be caught or punished for his wrongdoing, having the power and the means to stay untouchable. But to go as far as threatening to take someone's life? To imply he already has? I never thought he'd be capable of such a monstrosity.
My body was paralyzed. I couldn't move an inch, couldn't take in larger intakes of oxygen than just a few shallow breaths. My heart was hammering against my chest in fear and shock. What was I to do now? Pretend I've never heard him would probably be a wise course of action, but how could I pretend I haven't heard him say those words?
Who did he hurt? Did he really kill someone? Or did he order someone to do it for him? No, that couldn't be. He was a monster, but not a murderer... right? They were just empty threats. He wouldn't actually do that, would he?
My mind was spinning out of control, spiraling into the depths of my inspiration, bringing fear and despair with it each time it would return to the surface. Yet I couldn't stop myself. Couldn't stop the train of thoughts hitting me like a truck, engraving its headlights in my memory right before the impact.
Suddenly the door swung open and my head snapped up to meet the cold eyes of my husband looking down at me with a haughty expression painted across his face, "Chaeyoung?" he growled, "What are you doing?"
"I-..." my voice broke, "I was looking for you. You weren't in the living room so I-"
"How much did you hear?"
"What?" I asked quietly, not trusting my voice not to give me away.
"How. Much. Did. You. Hear?" he pronounced every word carefully, taking closer steps towards me, making me back away from his approaching form, towering over me dangerously.
"Of what? I just arrived. I was about to knock when you opened the door," I tried, and his eyes searched mine for any signs of deceit.
"Are you sure about that?"
"Of course," I forced a smile, "I just finished my makeup like two minutes ago. Come on," mustering up some courage, I grabbed his hand, "I can't wait to meet our baby."
He looked at me suspiciously for a moment more before relenting, a smile replacing his cold expression and pursed lips from just moments ago, "Yeah, okay," the black-haired man agreed, squeezing my hand lightly, "Let's go meet our son," and with that, he led me out of the penthouse, Michael in tow looking at me in concern when Chanyeol wasn't looking. But all I could do was give him a sneaky smile, as I felt my lips tremble, betraying the confident act. And though Michael noticed, he knew better than to say anything and instead remained quiet, studying me with worried eyes as we got inside the elevator and descended towards the underground parking space.
...
"Mrs. Park, welcome," the old man smiled warmly, making me feel a little more at ease, despite the words I've heard from my husband earlier, "Mr. Park," he acknowledged the man walking in behind me with a court nod.
I've had some time to think about what happened during the car ride, and truthfully, I was still processing. Perhaps that's why I didn't greet the nice doctor back, rather walked towards the examination chair per usual. I was deep in thought still, and I hoped it was visible on my face because I didn't want to come off as rude. I wasn't ignoring him; I was, simply put, preoccupied with the things going on inside my head that I didn't have the time or the energy to communicate with the outside world.
It probably should worry me though, how evidently in thought I have been since we left the penthouse. I probably should have been worried Chanyeol would notice and suspect I've overheard his conversation, but I wasn't. He never paid close attention to me anyway, so I didn't think he would notice unless I was showing physical signs of shock or worry. As long as I concealed my thoughts, fears, and doubts, I knew I would be okay.
His words still rang in my ears, clear as day, coherent and loud. I was sure I heard him correctly, yet I couldn't help but pray I didn't. I didn't know what this meant, and whether it meant anything at all. Clearly, it wouldn't change anything between us, especially if he believed me, but it would definitely change the way I perceived him, and make me fear him even more.
Especially when the thought that I might be the "she" he was talking about crossed my mind. I questioned whether I was the one in imminent danger or whether it was someone else. Or if perhaps I really was hearing things, and he really wasn't talking about taking anyone's life. But if I learned something over the course of the past few weeks, it was not to trust anyone. Not to be naïve and stupid.
Still, I didn't know how to act around him or what to feel. Was I possibly living under the same roof as a murderer? The man that has been touching me, kissing me, the one I was married to, was he a killer? The thought made me sick to my stomach and quite nervous. I feared for my life, and for the one, of my child if killing someone was truly something he was capable of.
Before I thought it was only punches, slaps, and forceful grabs, which were still horrible no doubt, but killing someone that was an entirely different ordeal. Though maybe it would be easier if he just put a bullet in my head instead of the torture he would practice on me whenever he pleased.
That eased my mind a little because had he wanted to kill me, he would have done it already. Besides, I was bearing his child, there was no way it was me who he was talking about. Not to mention there was no one who would protect me. So whoever it was, it must've been someone else. And frankly, I was dying to know who.
I wanted to know who he had his eyes on, warn them maybe. Though I knew it would be risky, I set my mind on finding out who the call was made to. Or who it was that was calling him. I couldn't just sit around, knowing he was an even bigger monster than I initially thought.
And I knew hiding this from him would be much harder now that I knew who he was. Pretending to be okay would be a much more arduous task if the fear I had of him has multiplied by a thousand and I knew my life could possibly be at stake, along with someone else's.
Suddenly my entire body burned differently than usual. I still wanted to claw at my skin, felt uncomfortable in it, as if it was itching all over. Still wanted to shed it, as it felt stained and used. All those feelings were still very much present. Still, the same disgust, loathing, and self-hatred of my body, of my mind, and of the person I've become. Yet, they all grew stronger knowing that I wasn't being used by a mere arrogant motherfucker, but a possible... I don't even know, mafia boss?
Maybe that's what this was all about? Being a CEO and ruining people's lives wasn't enough, so he joined the mafia? Or a gang? I wasn't really educated about either, but it would be an explanation, the only one I had, anyway. He got swept up in the wrong crowd, or more accurately, the crowd he always belonged to and became a crook? I didn't know what to believe and though I tried not to think about it, I couldn't let go of the thoughts of endless possibilities and dangers I might have been facing.
"Mrs. Park?" a gentle hand on my shoulder brought me out of my thoughts, causing my head to snap up and meet the doctor's gentle eyes, crinkling on the sides. From the look both he and Chanyeol from behind the older man's shoulder gave me, I suspected it probably wasn't the first time he called on me.
"Sorry," I smiled apologetically, relaxing against the blue leather of the chair that I didn't even realize I've already sat on, so deep in thought that I clearly wasn't perceiving my surroundings at all.
"It's alright," he assured, "I assume you're nervous, yes?"
"A little," I admitted, "I felt pains the other day in my abdomen which worried me but they ceased and when I did some research it said that slight pains weren't all that uncommon? That it was probably alright unless it was cramps?"
"While that is true, it should only happen in the early stages of the pregnancy and you're quite along now, so it really is best we check it out, just in case it's something more. The last time you came for a check-up was last month, correct?"
"Yes, I was supposed to have another one in just a few days but-"
"But it was better to reschedule than to wait, considering the problems you've been having," he agreed calmly.
After talking for a while longer, ridding me of all thought of Chanyeol and his earlier phone conversation, the doctor told me to lie down on the chair and put my shirt up so he could spread the gel across my stomach. I flinched when it first touched my skin, cold in contrast with my body heat, making the doctor avert his attention to me and give me a reassuring smile.
No matter how many times I went through it, the slight shiver couldn't be stopped and the older man was always nice enough to either say something nice or smile in that way that made any worries, if I had any, leave my mind almost instantly. Once the gel was spread, he changed his gloves, disposing of the ones covered in gel, and reached for the now-familiar transducer.
"I assume you want to know the gender of the baby?" he asked, looking from me at Chanyeol, and it relieved me to know the doctor remembered our agreement.
"That's the plan," Chanyeol nodded his head, looking almost like a regular excited parent to be ready to meet their child, rather than the heartless monster that he was in reality.
"Well then, let's look at the baby, shall we?" he placed the transducer on my stomach, rubbing it in circular motions over the bump.
He stared at the screen for a few moments, continuing to move the transducer all over the bump in silence. I watched his ministrations at first, but then looked up at the monitor as well, seeing the grey outline of a baby that was currently floating in my stomach, making me smile. God, I couldn't wait to meet my beautiful girl. No matter what Chanyeol would say, she was my happiness and despite everything; she was mine. My perfect little girl.
"Well?" Chanyeol asked impatiently, "It's a boy, isn't it? I knew my swimmers carried some immaculate DNA," he grinned, kissing the top of my head gently, and I tried harder than usual not to flinch.
I expected his smile to falter when the doctor would correct him that it was actually a girl. However, the man sitting on the swivel chair didn't open his mouth despite Chanyeol's question and continued to stare at the monitor intently.
"Doctor?" my husband prodded, "Is everything alright?"
"Mrs. Park," he addressed and turned to face me, looking into my eyes with sadness, rather than the usual excitement, "Have you suffered any major injuries to your abdominals?"
"Pardon?"
"Have you experienced any severe emotional trauma?" he asked again.
"W-What, I..."
"Doctor Cheong, what is it?" Chanyeol pressed.
"I don't know how to tell you this. It never gets easier breaking the news," he looked up from me to Chanyeol and then back down, his expression crestfallen and without him having to utter the next few words, tears welled up in my eyes, escaping down my cheeks.
"You lost your baby, I'm sorry,"