The cuts on my face are now less visible then the ones on my hands that are covered in a few bandaids. Carson insisted on driving me home after he tended the wounds using the first aid kit in the glove comparment of his car. "It's cold out Sara! I'm not leaving you to walk home." Is what Carson repeated many times when I tried to tell him I was fine walking, but he wasn't giving in. To tell the truth, it was annoying but at the same time it felt nice to know he was some what showing me that I was cared for. However, most of the drive, I face away from Carson and keep my face directed towards the window so that he won't see my shameful expression. My thoughts travel fast but one thing I hold onto is embarrassment. It's embarrassing how I failed to do what I felt so confident about. I really thought I could find him didn't I? I thought I was strong and independent enough, that's what I want myself to think but this is my wake up call to tell me that I'm not. How and why would I let Carson see that?
"So, are we still on for tomorrow?" Carson tries to make small talk but I can barley focus on what he's saying since the memories keep coming back and replaying themselves inside my head. It takes me a minute or two, maybe three, to figure out that I'm thinking way too much about a repsonse for that.
"Yeah. . . yeah." I reply without really knowing it and keeping my eyes glued to the scenery out the window. I hear him sigh and tap his fingers against the steering wheel in frustration. I know that wasn't the tone he wanted with that answer. It sounded like I wasn't even alive, like I was in another world just going along with whatever he says not even aware of what was going on. I feel bad, but I can't snap out of it, the gun, the piercing sound of glass shattering into millions of pieces on the ground. I sigh as well and hit my head against the window trying the knock the thoughts right out my head.
Say something. I bite my tongue hoping to get it to cooperate with my head telling it to just spit something out. Speak Sara! Just speak! "Can I ask you a question?" I say quickly finally breaking the silence and feeling like I have control over myself again.
Carson's mood is suddenly changed from frustrated to excited and eager all at once; I turn my body to face him to see the wild excitement in his eyes when he speaks. "Go ahead, I'm listening sweet pea." He tells me with a smile on his face. His tone is relieved and also careful, as if he is filtering what he says, afraid that I'll break. I can't help but crinkle my nose at the nick name. That's the second time he's called me that. I hate to admit it, but I sort of, kind of, maybe, like it.
Now, I try to filter what I say. It seems that we are both sensitive and we both have rough patches of our life that if somehow are mentioned, can completely break us down in different ways. I can't think of a simple way to ask, but I have to know or else the curiosity will eat me alive. "What were you doing out yesterday?" I ask with an uneasy tone to my voice. His smile drops along with my stomach when the words fall from my lips. I feel guilty for asking looking at his facial expression now, but I don't regret it. "Well," he clears his throat, clearly unsure of what to say. "That's not really important." Oh. I slouch in my seat and turn to face away from him again without saying anything. I think about the times I told him things that I didn't want to, but I did anyway. I thought I could trust him and he could trust me, or maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm not a very trustable person.
From the reflection in the window I see him run a hand through his hair, something that all teenage boys seem to do. At least that's what I've read in the books. "Sara, again, I'm sorry. I don't mean to offend you, I'm just," he pauses. "It's hard to explain but, things are complicated and you know that."
"You're right, I do. But it shouldn't be anymore complicated than what you told me last," I say a little angrily to him. His jaw tightens and I look away scowling at the window noticing the cupcake shop that we have been passing for the last half hour and that somehow makes me more angry. My temper is very short. One simple thing can make me angry in an instant, and thats a flaw i've always hated about myself.
"Sorry." He mumbles. Sorry? That's it? I wipe my clammy palms on my jeans and clench my fists, fighting the urge to reach over and knock his teeth out. I roll my eyes because of his refusal to tell me whatever is floating around in his head. It's not like it's a difficult task, you'd think he would tell me anyway, but guess not.
When we finally pull up to my house, I get out of the car before it even stops moving. Trusting anyone was a mistake; my mistake. I don't regret it though, everything that has happened weather it was a mistake or not, has brought me up to this moment, and I don't regret it because along the way, I have learned from things, weather they were mistakes or not.
I walk up the path leading to my house when a hand forcefully grabs my arm and spins me around. I almost fall from the familiar feeling of being dizzy. Carson looks at me with a worried expression. All the angry features that make up his scowl have disappeared. Mine sure haven't. "Hey, I'm sorry okay?" I ignore him and roll my eyes giving him a glare. "I'm serious." He steps closer to me, without even realizing it, my pulse quickens, to the point where it hurts even.
I look at the ground trying to get the redness to stay away from my cheeks but I fail when Carson's finger pulls my chin upward to meet his eyes weather I like it or not. "Don't make me hug you." He says with a small smirk creeping onto his face. Hug me? Is that supposed to be a threat? He has to be joking, because a hug means nothing-
All thoughts are stopped and all actions frozen in time when his lips press to mine.
+++
My lips are still numb from the impact, but now inside of my house Carson and I are sitting at the table while my mother paces back and forth in front of us. Kristy sits at the end of the table with her head in her hands trying to hide the disappointment. Eventually my mother and Kristy caught Carson and I in the driveway and now it seems we are about to have a big lecture.
In the corner of my eye I can see Carson wearing a small smirk on his face. He sits closer to me than he should be in this kind of situation. All anger for him as evaporated and I feel myself slipping closer under his spell than ever. I've never had a boyfriend before, and I don't know what kind of terms Carson and I are on, but kissing is definitely something friends do not do on a regular basis. As the minutes pass of uncomfortable silence, I scoot closer and closer to Carson. At the moment, it's to the point where I can't move any closer to him even if I wanted to, it's not physically possible. He laced his fingers with mine, and I don't hesitate to pull away.
"Why Sara? Why?" My mother finally asks in a soft tone, I know it won't last long though, like me, she has a short temper as well as me. Say one wrong thing and she'll snap. I guess that's where I got it from.
"Why what? What did I do now?" I ask with confidence about my response but my mother is quick with her own response. "I tell you one thing. I give you rules, specific directions, ways to go about things. And don't get me wrong, you've done fine for about 8 years, and now you're deciding to throw this all away and let yourself risk your life? Honey, I know what's best for you and that's why I've made so many risks myself. I just want you to be safe." She raises her voice with every word she says.
"Actually, I believe it's you who's risking her life." Carson says. I close my eyes and give his hand a squeeze. I wish he hadn't said that, things are about to get started.
"Excuse me? You have nothing to do with this. Who the hell are you?" My mother says to Carson stepping closer in his direction. The deadly look in her eyes doesn't seem to affect Carson in any way. It affects me though, my stomach is queasy, my throat is dry I think I might even puke.
"That's not much of your concern. And you can't talk to me like that when I'm not even your child." Carson calmly responds. I squeeze his hand again more aggressive than before because he clearly doesn't seem to get my message. He looks at me looking right into my eyes, but looking back at my mother when she speaks again. "It is my concern, because this is my daughter."
"This?" Carson says standing up, clearly beginning to get irritated. "So now she isn't even a person? No wonder she is the way she is. I can already tell you're insane and I haven't been here for ten minutes." He rolls his eyes, and I remain silent. I hope he doesn't mean the things he says. But I have to be stronger then I know, I can make it through whatever is about to happen. I can. I think I can. Well I thought wrong.
"Who do you think you are? Coming into my house and being extremely rude. I bet you don't talk to your mother like this!" My mother yells. Snap. I practically hear Carson's emotions break, along with his heart. He stalks out of the house leaving me behind before I can blink. I ignore my mother and Kristy's yells behind me as I run after Carson.
HIIII!!! Sorry it's been a little while I've been busy :\ anyway I saw insurgent last night and just... Can we just... UGH so many emotions. Sorry if there's any spelling errors... I'm editing from my iPad and spell check isn't as good. OOOOOO WAIT.. I just got an idea for this book.. I should probably go write it down.. Ok random ok BYEEEE :) don't forget to vote and comment!
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