!!TW: death!!
I tried a first person pov in this chapter instead of a third person - let me know if you like it or should I go back to third person?
The low grumble of a cough rippled down the corridor and the ripple effect caused my mouth to part from his. My lips felt empty without his there anymore, like they were practically aching for him to come back, but before I had time to linger on that thought I was looking in the direction of the noise praying to Merlin it wasn't Hermione, or worse. Harry.
By the luck of some unknown force it wasn't one of my friends who caused our lips to seperate, but Snape. Standing like a shadow at the end of the hall, his one signifier being his greasy hair shining in the light of the torches.
"Miss Gardner, McGonagall has requested to see you in Dumbledore's office" he drawled.
"But it's nine o'clock. That's past office hours"
"It's urgent."
I glanced to look at Malfoy but he had his gaze fixed to the ground. Brilliant, he's embarrassed of me. I brushed down the skirt of my dress which had been ruffled during my rendezvous. I walked down the corridor, past Snape.
"Oh and five points from Gryffindor"
I didn't stop but silently rolled my eyes from the lack of points taken from Slytherin; although I did hear the familiar whack which indicated Snape had given Malfoy his own form of punishment.
"Mr Malfoy, follow me" I turned briefly to see Snape leading Malfoy out the other end of the corridor.
It's no secret Snape and Malfoy have been indulging in a lot of secret meetings this term; constantly skulking around the corridors together, never talking above a whisper.
I walked along the corridors mulling over what could possibly be so urgent and pushed back any and all thoughts that it could be to do with mum. I mean she was in the safest place humanly possible - under protection of the Order and Dumbledore. No that definitely wasn't it.
What about Lance? It's possible he could've been broken out of Azkaban like Bellatrix was. Surely not, he wasn't an important Death Eater by any means - he'd only been one for a few years by the time he got a life sentence in Azkaban.
Maybe the Death Eaters were on the hunt for me? It's possible with Lance locked away and Mum in hiding. They did say they needed a 'member of our family' they never specified who. But Hogwarts is impenetrable, they'd need a man on the inside to get remotely close to me...
Malfoy?
No don't be stupid. This is probably all about some extra Transfiguration work... that Dumbledore needed to be there for? Yes, that'll be it.
I'd been too caught up in my thoughts to realise I was standing in front of the gargoyle at the foot of the entrance to Dumbledore's office. I waited there for a few moments before the gargoyle started to turn indicating I should step on; I stood on the step and was carried up to the top.
I started picking at my nails as a nervous habit, I mean this meeting really could be about anything.
I had only knocked once on the large wooden door before it swung open revealing the chaos inside. Dumbledore was behind his desk shuffling through papers as McGonagall spoke with her voice raised and her arms being flung about the place. In front of Dumbledore's desk was that...
The Minister of Magic?
Shit. It's not good.
I shuffled slightly into the office, trying to get someone to acknowledge my presence. McGonagall's eyes shot to me covered with a foreign look that I couldn't distinguish but they quickly softened.
"Miss Gardner, please, sit" McGonagall ushered me into a large chair by Dumbledore's desk and once I had sat they all just stared at me. Completely silent.
"Lemon sherbet?" Dumbledore raised a bowl of the yellow sweets to my face.
"No thank you, Professor. What's going on? I was told it was urgent"
McGonagall rested her hand on my shoulder and looked between her colleagues before finally resting her gaze back on me.
"I have some bad news..."
Shit.
"It's about your mother..."
No.
"She's- She, well, I'm so sorry Violet but your mother has..."
No.
"Been killed"
That was it. That was the moment my heart dropped so low I was sure the merpeople of the Black Lake could've seen it. That was the moment the world seemed to turn that little bit darker - and I would forever feel a little bit colder. I felt like I could trace the exact moment my veins started to turn to ice.
Normally I would try and hide my feelings, I don't want to trouble others with my problems. This time I had no control. I had barely realised I had lost feeling in my fingertips and toes before my whole body was numb. And the tears, they were uncontrollable. Once they started flowing from my eyes they couldn't stop; it was like they were taunting me - taunting me because I couldn't even control my own emotions.
The tears were a catalyst for the rest of my body. It felt like someone had reached into my lungs and ripped all of the air from them; my body was shaking, and all I could hear was the blood rushing to my ears. I was sure all three people were trying to speak to me - I could see their lips moving after all, but they were in slow motion and they were blurring more and more by the second.
I clasped my eyes shut, overwhelmed by the reaction of my body. I kept them shut for a while and took a few shaky deep breaths in and when I felt like I could take in air without fainting I opened my eyes.
"W-what happened to her?" I choked.
McGonagall couldn't answer right away, she was clearly thinking about her response. She once again looked at her colleagues.
Why isn't she looking at me?
"What happened to my mum!" I exploded "If you know you have to tell me" I looked between the three adults, waiting for one of them to say something. Anything.
"Well Violet" McGonagall started "It seems that the... the Death Eaters were informed of her location-"
"How."
McGonagall was slightly startled by my interruption.
"We don't know"
"Well how do you know they were informed of her location?"
"Professor Snape got word that they knew. He came right here to tell us-"
"To tell you. He came here to tell you. Why the fuck didn't he inform the Order or the Ministry to go and protect her!" I burst up from my seat. I was shouting at all three individuals - I wasn't sure why. Snape was the one I was furious at.
"Violet, please. Calm down" Dumbledore waved his hand in front of me to guide me back to the chair.
I whipped my head around to stare at him, my eyes reduced to slits "Calm down? My mum is dead. Dead. Gone. Not coming back. No you'll tell me why you didn't do everything in your power to save her" I pointed my shaky finger straight at Dumbledore. My entire body was trembling with rage and furious hot tears were non-consensually flowing down my cheeks.
"Violet, they did everything possible. I assure you" The Minister faltered.
"No offence Minister but why are you here? You don't know me, you didn't know my mother. From what I can tell you have no information to add..." I thought for a moment before turning back to McGonagall "... speaking of information where's Snape. That bastard seems to have all the inside information, why isn't he here?"
"Violet I know you're upset but please don't speak about the staff in that degrading manner" McGonagall condemned, in a firm tone that sobered me.
I felt terrible, I didn't mean to offend anyone - least of all McGonagall. I truly looked up to her. But there were so many emotions coursing through my veins, each one fighting it's way up to my mouth and couldn't sort out my thoughts. I sat back into the chair and put my hands together in an attempt to calm myself. "You promised she would be safe" my lip quivered as I looked to McGonagall with wide puppy eyes that were glossy with tears.
"I know I did. We never assumed that You-Know-Who was so desperate for her that they would go to such great lengths. We did all we could - in the end it was a tragic accident"
Calling my mum's death an accident was definitely not what I needed to hear. "Do you know anything else?" I sniffled.
"We have identified the Death Eater that murdered your mother" Dumbledore replied slowly.
I shot my head round to look at him with wide eyes "Please, tell me who it was"
"Violet are you sure you want-"
"I'm sure. Tell me."
"It was... I'm sorry, it was Bellatrix"
Once again the air was gone. I was gasping, reaching, so desperate, but none came.
"B-Bellatrix." I repeated, more to affirm to myself that it was real than anything else. If it was Bellatrix that means my mother's last moments were probably excruciatingly painful and that ripped my heart in two.
"Professor, is that all. Can I go?" I could feel my eyes swelling with tears, but I had more control now.
"The Minister here needs a moment to speak with you, then you may go."
I turned my head to look at him and the sorrow was clearly evident on my face as his expression mimicked mine the minute I looked at him.
"I won't keep you long. I met your mother a few times, brilliant woman..." I knew he was trying to cheer me up but hearing how 'brilliant' my mum was wasn't going to make me feel any better "... I'm here to talk about your custody arrangements. This isn't exactly my area so the Ministry will be in contact within the next few weeks with more details, but I felt it was important I was here. As you know you only have one living relative, your brother, but it is highly unlikely they would review his case just on the basis of your custody-"
"I'm sorry, there's the chance they could let my brother out" There was a glimmer of hope in my voice. From all my mum had told me of him he was an excellent person and was not a Death Eater by nature. He was forced to join by my father and therefore had to go along with it all, I'm sure it was either that or death. But if my brother is who my mother said he is then he's the only person I want as my carer and would take little convincing in court to get him out of Azkaban.
"Yes - i didn't mean to worry you. I'm certain he won't be let out."
My bubble of hope was burst and I slumped back into my chair.
"Your two other options are foster care or P.O.M-"
"P.O.M?" I butted in.
"Protection of the Ministry. It's a program for underage pureblood witches or wizards without a guardian. You won't have to go into foster care and you have control over where you go and what you do - we don't provide accommodation. It'll sort of be like you're an adult already..."
"Well what's the catch. The Ministry isn't going to let a minor wander about with no rules, restriction or supervision..."
"Yes, I was just coming to that. All your wealth; your land, your property, your entire inheritance will go to the Ministry. In your case, Miss Gardner, that is a rather sizeable inheritance. It will still be yours but you cannot access it until you are eighteen years of age."
"So you basically send me out into the world with nothing and expect me to fend for myself" I was utterly baffled by this program, it didn't sound particularly safe.
"You'll get a monthly allowance from the Ministry - nothing big. Ten, maybe twenty galleons a month. You will also use a diary system so the Ministry can keep an eye on you. You'll fill out weekly diary entries that will be submitted so we can check on your wellbeing."
"What happens if I don't submit an entry?"
"You will receive a letter of warning, if you don't respond to that then we will call you in for a hearing where we will discuss your place in the P.O.M program and consider moving you to muggle foster care."
"But the foster care you're offering me now is magical?"
"Yes. They are more institutions. Very secluded as to not draw too much attention, they can hold up to two hundred witches or wizards at a time"
They 'hold' witches and wizards, doesn't sound particularly inviting.
"You don't have to make a decision now. I know you must have a lot on your mind, but like I said the Ministry will be in contact in the next few weeks about all of your options."
"Thank you, Minister" Dumbledore stood from his chair, I'd almost forgotten he was here. "Professor McGonagall could you escort Miss Gardner back to her dorms"
"I can do it myself, thank you Professor" with that I stood from my seat and exited the room. It was around nine forty-five and everyone would either be in their common rooms or in bed by now so I didn't feel the need to hold back my tears. I felt like my grief put a filter over the world; everything seemed slightly less alive.
This was a kind of pain I'd never experienced before. It was soul crushing, my tears caused physical pain like they burned my cheek as they fell - everything just seemed so pointless. I was so utterly and completely alone. I had no one.
As I walked down the stone corridors it felt like a montage of my life crossed across my eyelids every time I blinked. And there was my mum, in every single moment. Every time I was happy, every time I wasn't she was always, always there. She'd devoted her whole life to me and all I could do now was devote my life to her.
I reached the Fat Lady portrait and tried to compose myself, should there be anyone in the common room. I rubbed my eyes and took a deep breath, well sniffle. I knew my eyes were puffy and bloodshot so I untucked my hair from behind my ears and hung my head low so it would cover my face.
"Baubles" The door swung open and I stepped inside. Fortunately the common room was empty minus a few second years who wouldn't acknowledge my presence. I hastily made my way up the stairs and into my dorm.
Hermione must have only just got back, she was still in her party dress and was sat on her bed reading. She got up and marched towards me the second I shut the door.
"Violet, where have you been? We've all been so worried, you didn't tell anyone you were leaving the party-" she stopped in her tracks when she saw my bloodshot eyes and weak breathing.
"What happened?" I looked up and met her distressed gaze and let out a small whimper, which seemed to be the floodgates. I broke into unfiltered hysterics and my knees gave up on me, Hermione caught me just before I reached the ground and pulled me into a tight hug. "Violet, what's wrong?"
"M-my" my body shook with each syllable and I clutched my arms around Hermione's neck like they were the only thing anchoring me to the floor. "My m-mum. 'Mione m-my mum"
"What's happened to her?"
"She's gone." Saying the words aloud felt like I was giving permission to a black whole to simply swallow me. Hermione didn't say anything else, there wasn't really anything else to say. We stayed that way for a while, I'm not sure how long. I think I exhausted myself and passed out because I woke up in my bed wearing my pyjamas with Hermione's arms wrapped around me.
The next week was hard. I rarely left bed. I tried to go to lessons on Monday to take my mind off it but I barely made it to midday without feeling like I was about to burst. News of a student being orphaned spread fast so anytime I stepped out of my room I received an endless stream of pitiful stares - people were too scared to say anything in case I just broke right there and then. The idea that everyone thought I was so fragile made me feel nauseous.
Hermione was so great, she offered to skip classes to be with me but I insisted she go - I convinced her it was better for her to go so she could bring me the notes. She spent all her time outside of classes in our dorm trying to get me out of bed and eating something.
On Wednesday I finally got out of bed and dressed into some leggings and a hoodie without Hermione having to force me and she brought Harry, Ron and Ginny round. My pain seemed to bring the group back together because when we hung out it felt exactly like the old times, no one was awkward or uncomfortable and that almost made me smile. Ron and Ginny said I could spend Christmas at the Burrow, Harry was going to be there as well.
Wednesday evening I was sitting on my bed wrapped in a blanket, I wasn't crying I just sort of stared at the wall. I wasn't really feeling anything but a tap at the window broke me from my trance. There was an owl I didn't recognise perched just outside. I tightened the blanket around me and opened the window; the second I took the letter it flew off - it wasn't waiting for a response.
I broke the seal and read the letter:
I need to talk to you,
Meet me in the astronomy tower at midnight.
- D.M
I re-read the short letter a few times, trying to decipher some hidden meaning. It was pointless, there was none. I thought about not going - he inevitably knew about my mum and I didn't really want to talk about it. But my curiosity got the best of me and I had to know what he wanted to say, plus, I had some questions myself.
I decided to have a shower to freshen myself up before I saw him. I wrapped a towel around myself and walked back into my room and cast a drying spell over my hair - I didn't have to worry about Hermione following me, she had already crashed out in her bed. I slipped on a pair of blue jeans and a grey jumper, I took my wand from my nightstand and placed it in my pocket and slipped on some trainers.
It was only eleven but I left my dorm to take a stroll around the castle and decide what I was going to say.
I walked out to the courtyard and sat on the stone bench, trying to organise my thoughts. I looked out into the night sky and watched as clouds swiped across the swirling hues of blues and blacks - I scanned across the stars and saw one that sparkled particularly bright. It wasn't quite bright enough to be the North Star but it seemed just as important, I decided that star was going to be mum. I liked the idea that she was watching over me - it made me feel less alone.
I brought my gaze back down to earth and thought about Malfoy. I needed to talk to him about our kiss and if it meant anything to him because it certainly meant something to me. There was always the possibility that it was him playing a cruel joke on me but I prayed that wasn't the case.
I got up and made my way to the Astronomy Tower. I reached the bottom of the steps and I could hear someone pacing around and talking to themselves at the top, Malfoy must already be there.
I slowed down when I reached the top of the steps, he was standing in the middle of the tower fidgeting with his hands - he was wearing his black suit as usual but it made me feel severely underdressed. He dropped his arms to his side the second he saw me and stared at me for a while.
I felt quite uncomfortable under his gaze and took a few steps closer, he looked me up and down taking in my whole appearance. Now I felt much more underdressed.
"You came" I just nodded, I wasn't sure what else to say "Is that my jumper?"
Shit, I forgot this was his.
"Uh, yeah. It is" I started toying with the hem of the sleeve.
"So how are you-"
"Please don't. Don't pity me, that's not why I am here. Why did you ask me to meet you?"
"You haven't been going to classes or meals for the whole week. I mostly just wanted to make sure you're still alive" he walked much closer, we were now only a few steps apart.
"Are we going to talk about Friday? You know, what happened" I raised my head slightly from the sleeve of his jumper to meet his eyes. They were soft and cautious which contrasted to their usual prideful and sharp gaze. "You seemed like you regretted it when Snape showed up"
He stayed silent but she could see the wheels of thought turning in his head. He still wasn't speaking and I inferred from his silence that he regretted it but didn't know how to say it. "You do, don't you? You regret it."
"Do you?"
I just shook my head, I felt too embarrassed to say anything. But something shifted behind his eyes that I couldn't read.
Before I could comprehend it he had practically pounced on me, grabbing my face and pulling it to his. Our lips smashed together in an extremely haphazard manner but I revelled in it, having him so close. I felt like I was drowning in him and I enjoyed it because there was nothing to keep me anchored anymore - in this moment Malfoy was everything; everything I've ever wanted, ever needed, everything I've ever loved and lost. Before my tongue had the chance to find his he pulled away and rested his forehead against mine, catching his breath.
"I don't regret it" his voice was barely audible and his words disturbed the hair hanging in front of her face. "Merlin, Gardner. What are you doing to me?' He gave me a quick kiss on the nose.
I reached my head up and gave him quick peck on the lips before saying what I needed to next.
"I want this, I really do but..." I had to take a deep breath because I knew what I had to say would take everything in me "...I can't do this now"
He pulled away immediately and dropped his hands to his side - his pride had just taken a clear beating.
"Why- What do you mean?"
"My mum just died, there are things I need to do. Things I need to sort out"
I knew if my mum was gone that meant the Death Eaters would come for me, they made it abundantly clear that they needed a member of my family to join. And now I'm the only one left. I know it's selfish but if Malfoy is one of them I can't get involved with him, for my own safety.
"What things?"
"Things that have nothing to do with you" I blurted.
"Right" he rolled his tongue inside his cheek "If you're not going to be honest-"
"Oh like you're being so honest!"
"What are you on about"
"You- you're a-" If I'm going to make this assumption I have to be sure, what do I know. His father is a convicted Death Eater, Harry saw him at a meeting at Borgin and Burkes with other Death Eaters, He's been getting paler by the day and when I touched his arm in potions he practically screamed. "Pull up your sleeve"
"What" he gulped.
"Pull up your sleeve"
"No I'm not going to-" I had to be sure so I marched towards him and pulled the fabric of his shirt on his forearm up, and there it was. Bold and dark staring me straight in the face. He yanked his sleeve back down "What is wrong with you"
I needed to play this right.
"How long have you, you know been one?"
"Why should I tell you-"
"Malfoy, I'm not exactly running to Dumbledore right now" I breathed.
"Since August"
"Since Aug- oh my god, did you know?"
"Did I know what?"
"My mum, Malfoy, did you know what they were planning with my mum" tears were threatening to spill, I could feel them pricking in the back of my eyes and a lump was starting to form in my throat.
"No, Gardner, Merlin no. I swear I had no idea" he broke the distance between us and enveloped me in a hug. One arm was wrapped around my waist and the other was stroking my hair, his chin resting against my forehead. I gingerly wrapped my arms around his torso. "Please, Gardner if you don't want to give this a go just because you're muggleborn..."
I felt every muscle in my body tense. Of course he doesn't know, why should he?
He must just assume she died in a muggle attack.
"... it doesn't matter to me, I can protect you."
"I want to give this a go, I do. But it's just too soon" I broke away from the hug and started to walk towards the stairs.
"No you can't just leave!"
"Have a good Christmas Malfoy" and I started to descend the stairs.
"GARDNER!"
*****
Discussion
Also if you recognise the whole diary system I took the inspiration from Breathmints & Battlescars which is my literal favourite Draco fic.