Joe was often left speechless by her, because she was just so strong. And it wasn't the type of strength that you just wake up with one day. It was the type of strength that very few people had, the sort of strength that was found when someone had been pushed to the edge for too long. When terrible things just kept happening and they had no choice but to keep pushing forward. The type of strength that no one else seemed to have - the type of strength that you became from having to pick yourself back up after being pulled apart over and over again. The type of strength that you're forced to become when it seems as if the entire world is against you. Taylor was the type of strong that he wished he was, she was the very definition of strength and persistence.
He looked over at her while she was helping him make lunch, and he just felt so proud. She was the strongest woman he knew and he still often found himself lying awake in the middle of the night wondering how the fuck he deserved her. He would always lie awake and watch her sleeping, asking himself what he'd done in his life to mean he was able to be beside her. She was... she was everything. All at once. She was just... he looked at her and he saw everything he ever wanted, everything he ever needed. He just felt like nothing in comparison. There wasn't a single other person on the planet like her, and there would never, ever be another person like her. Ever.
"I'm so proud of you, Taylor." Joe told her as he watched her start to cut some tomato for their sandwiches.
She turned red, and Joe smiled as she looked up at him. "I'm serious. I look at you and I just... I'm just so proud of the person you've become."
"You're going to make me cry," Taylor put down the knife and washed her hands. "It sucks that we can't see ourselves the way we see each other," she told him with a smile. She padded across the wooden floor, wrapping her arms around him. "Because everything that you say that you see in me, I can see in you too." She leaned in and kissed him, and Joe felt her lips flutter against his. She pulled away ever so slightly, smiling. "I love you to the moon and to Saturn."
Joe cupped her cheeks, kissing her nose. He felt her laugh beneath his fingertips. He loved this woman with everything he was.
"Whatever happens, I'll be with you. Through it all. I don't fucking care what anyone says, I don't care what kind of lies that Adam works to get out. I don't care about the words that they say." He smiled. "Because I love you, and there wouldn't be a single thing that you could ever do that would make me stop loving you. I will love you until the day I die, and then even longer." He wiped away a tear that slipped from her eyes. "And I know that you feel like you've dragged me into this chaotic life, that I've had to sacrifice so much. That you've forced me to walk the tightrope with you," Joe could see that she knew exactly what he was saying, that it was what she truly felt like. "But the truth is, I'd do anything to be with you. I don't care about any of it. The cameras, the paparazzi, the stupid lies that people spin to hurt us. I don't care about any of it. Because at the end of the day, my love, all I want is you. I haven't sacrificed anything. Meeting you, loving you, waking up beside you every morning, watching you kiss our daughter goodnight as you sing her to sleep. It's all I need in the entire world. Having you and loving you was the best thing to ever happen to me, and I would do everything all over again to get to live my life beside you, my hand in yours. I haven't had to sacrifice a single thing, love. You've... you think that you pulled me into the fishbowl with you, but I'd jump, willingly into a glass bottle if it meant that I got to wake up everyday beside you." He paused wiping away another tear. "Because you are the best thing to ever happen to me. You just... everything about you always leaves me speechless. And you know what a crazy feeling that is, because words are supposed to be our thing." He dropped his hands, taking Taylor's hands in his, bringing them to his lips. "When I'm with you, I don't notice any of the crap that's going on outside our home. I don't notice a single word of what they say, I don't notice anything except you. Because I love you. You are the greatest gift, Taylor. And it's just... I can't believe that I'm the one who has gotten to see all of these things with you. Me. Plain old Joe. I'm the one who got to watch as that sparkle returned to your eyes again. I'm the one who got to watch as you stared up at the northern lights while we were in the Lake District for that first time. I'm the one who got to be there when you started to find all of these pieces of yourself that had been taken from you. I'm the one who got to watch as you started to thrive again. I'm the one who gets to be here, with you. I'm the one who gets to take your hand and promise you that I'm never going to let go. I'm the one who gets to see it all with you. I'm the one that gets to walk on the tightrope with you as we face all of these adventures together." Joe felt a tear roll down his own cheek. "And before I met you, if anyone had asked me what was keeping me alive, what was making sure I didn't hurt myself for the last time, take things to far... I wouldn't have been able to tell them anything. Not a single thing. Before I met you... I was already walking my own tightrope. I was living in an hourglass, Taylor. Just waiting for the last grain of sand to slip through the middle and for me to fall down with it." He closed his eyes briefly as Taylor reached up and wiped a tear away. "But then I saw you. I didn't even have to hear your voice. I just... I saw you and you were shining exactly like a disco ball. And I remember asking myself, why isn't everyone looking at you? Because you were breathtaking. And I thought that you couldn't even get more breathtaking than you were in that moment, but every single day you prove me wrong." Joe didn't care that he was emotional, that Taylor was wiping away his stream of tears with the sleeve of her top. "I look at you and I don't ever regret or doubt, not even for a moment, that climbing onto the tightrope with you was the best decision for me. You threw me the rope and in finding my way to you, I found myself."
The two of them were standing there, crying together in the kitchen. And neither of them knew whether they were sad tears, or happy tears, but both of them guessed that they were a little bit of both. "I look at you, and I look at Thea, and I know that everything I ever need is right here in front of me. I don't need anything else. I don't need stable ground or air to breathe. I just... I look at you and I know. I know that I will keep walking the tightrope forever, because there's no way I'm letting go." He leaned in and kissed her, her lips salty with tears.
They spent the afternoon sitting on the couch, talking about how exactly they were going to approach the topic of Adam with Thea. Taylor hoped that she'd forget, but she knew deep down that she wouldn't have.
Eventually they came up with a plan. They wouldn't go into great detail about anything, and they knew that Thea would never be old enough to hear the full story. Perhaps she would never know the full story.
It was five thirty, when they left to go and pick her up. Taylor couldn't wait to get out of Los Angeles tomorrow, because she'd had enough of it. The constant cameras and paparazzi were frustrating. Her eyes were still red from crying so much with Joe earlier, and she just couldn't be bothered with it all. At least in New York, it wouldn't be so bad. She'd sold her apartment, and together they'd brought a place down the road from Ryan and Blake. It was nice to still be in New York, but remain on the outskirts of all the commotion. And this way, they'd still have a garden, whereas an apartment wouldn't have that. Taylor wanted Thea to always have a garden to play in, and because Blake and Ryan lived a house away, she figured that they'd end up being around all the time. Taylor and Blake had devised a plan which meant that in the mornings, Taylor or Joe would take Thea, James, Inez and Betty to school, and in the afternoon, Blake or Ryan would pick them up and take them home. She was happy to have one of her closest friends so close, and loved that they were able to help each other like this.
They'd only stayed in the new house once before, and Thea hadn't slept at all because she'd been so excited to play with Betty. While they were in L.A, Taylor had organised for the things they needed to be delivered to the house in New York, so that it was all ready for them when they got there.
She was excited to see Thea again, they'd only ever really spent three or four hours away from her, and this was the first time she'd spent an entire afternoon away from her. Taylor hadn't heard anything from Selena, other than a sweet photo of Thea and her having a tea party outside together.
They pulled up Selena's driveway, and she just couldn't wait to see both Selena and Thea. She wanted to specifically speak to Selena, because she thought she should apologise for not speaking earlier, but also for the fact that she'd been there, as she so often was, when she'd needed her. Selena was one of those friends that you could always count on, and that had always stayed the same, no matter how far away from each other they were.
Taylor had texted Selena when they'd turned into the driveway, so by the time they were pulling up to her house, she was standing at the door with Thea.
The sight immediately brought a smile to Taylor's face, because Thea looked so happy.
"Mommy! Daddy!" Thea skipped over to them when they got out of the car, and Joe picked her up, spinning her around.
Taylor pulled Selena in for a hug. "Thank you for earlier." She murmured in her ear, and Selena gently squeezed Taylor.
"Don't even mention it," Selena beamed. "You know I'll always be here, no matter what. Any time, any day. If you need me, if you need someone to drink a bottle of wine with, or if you need someone to look after Thea, or you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I'll always be here for you, because you are always here for me. So don't even thank me."
If there was one thing Taylor had learnt, it was to stay close to her friends, to stay close to the ones who helped her see the sunlight.
Taylor knew that Thea wouldn't have forgotten, and she was right, because as soon as they'd walked through the door, she'd asked about him again. Hearing Thea say his name, was something that still made her feel sick. She didn't want to have to hear it coming out of her mouth. She didn't want her to know who he was.
Taylor took Thea's hand, and the three of them went and sat on the couch. Thea nuzzled into Taylor's side, and Joe sat beside Taylor.
"Aunty Lena wouldn't tell me," Thea whined as she snuggled into Taylor and Elsie.
As much as she just wanted to panic, as much as she wanted to tense up, she wouldn't let herself do that. She wouldn't let him win like that. Something that Taylor so often had to remind herself of, was the fact that she wasn't that woman anymore. She wasn't the woman sitting in that pink, velvet chair. By the window, watching the people on the street below, longing for another life. She wasn't that woman anymore. She didn't have to be scared, because she wasn't that person. Even though it sometimes felt as if she was still that person, she wasn't. She'd finally let herself leave the chair by the window, and she wasn't going to let herself look back.
Taylor sighed, and felt Joe rest a hand on her leg, and smiled. She could do this. She wasn't that person anymore, she wasn't still in that chair longing for a life that she thought would only be possible in her dreams. She wasn't that person.
She was stronger now. So, she took a deep breath, before she started to talk.
"You're probably going to hear his name a lot, Theabear." Taylor told her as she leaned down and kissed her hair. "He's someone that I used to know, and he did some bad things." Taylor paused, waiting for Thea to ask any questions if she had any, but she didn't. So Taylor continued. "And Mommy had to go and speak in front of a lot of people to make sure that he couldn't hurt people anymore. But he's gone now. A lot of people still like to ask me about him, but I don't listen to them."
"He was a bad guy?" Thea asked, fiddling with one of Elsie's ears. "Like... did he have bad powers?"
"No," Taylor told her with a smile. "He didn't have any powers at all."
"But he hurt people?" Thea continued.
"He did," Taylor whispered. "But the important thing is that he's not hurting people anymore. So we don't need to worry about it," she assured her. "Because he won't be able to hurt anyone again."
"He sounds like a bad guy," Thea observed. "He's not a good guy like Daddy."
"Exactly," Taylor lightly laughed. "No one's as good as Daddy."
"I am!" Thea bounced upwards. She sat up, smiling at her parents.
"You sure are!" Joe chuckled as she climbed over Taylor to get to him. "Are you going to have bubbles in your bath tonight, Theabear?" Joe asked her, and Taylor felt relieved when her mind was taken off of Adam. It's not that she didn't want to talk about it, but Thea was still so young, and it was such a heavy topic. There wasn't much more they could say while she was so young.
"Yes!" Thea exclaimed, throwing her arms in the air. "Yes yes yes!"
"Alright then! Let's go and find some, shall we?" Joe asked her.
"Daddy! You always run the best baths!" Thea said as she followed him towards the bathroom. Taylor smiled as she watched the two of them head upstairs, because she was reminded of the first night she'd spent with Joe. Of that first bath he'd run her, the first time she'd seen the golden light. That first night that had shown her the good in the world. She watched as Thea grabbed onto Joe's hand as they walked up the stairs, and couldn't help but she'd a happy tear.
Joe was right, she'd come so far, and a tiny part of her couldn't help but feel proud of herself. Proud that she hadn't let go, that she'd kept holding on. She was proud of her scars, her broken stars and all of her shattered pieces and all of the fragments of herself that she'd put back together again.
She hadn't felt this way in a long time, and she felt excitement pour into her chest.
Her life was a tightrope, and she was always scared of falling. But she wasn't alone. There was a hand holding her steady, a hand that promised to never let her go, to catch her before she falls. She'd never fall if she had his hand in hers. They'd be there to catch one another, to hold each other steady. They'd be there forever.
Life is a tightrope - in fact, life itself, is a circus. A mess of different performances, of illusions and dreams. Life is a tightrope, it's a carousel. Everyone's just trying to hold on as it spins out of control. But holding on suddenly seems a lot easier when there's someone you love that's keeping you steady and reminds you exactly why you keep holding on in the first place.