"I took a little journey to the unknown. And I come back changed, I can feel it in my bones. I fucked with the forces that our eyes can't see, and now the darkness got a hold on me."
FULL MOON
REMUS LUPIN
She has her head on my shoulder. Listening along as my lazy, monotone voice reads the words off the manila coloured pages of her book. I've always hated the way my voice seems to drone on full moons but she seems content.
I was going to try and get some sleep. It's always easier when I do but, the map kept calling me. Beckoning me to read it.
That's how I saw she was pacing in-front of the portrait hole.
That's how I found her arguing with the fat lady, trying to get in.
Now we're seated on the flagstone floor, of the high ceilinged kitchen, with mounds of glistening pots and pans surrounding us at four in the morning.
The roar of the crackling fire shakes me out of my daze. "I was within and without," I read, "Simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life."
I stop to absorb the words. Often times I feel similar. I know i'm a dead-end, there's nowhere else my life can go. While everyone else around me is a high-way, already close to their destination.
I see it in her, too.
Everyday, I see her, behind all the smoking, jokes and bad coping methods. I see her.
Cordelia is perpetually devastated and I can tell she probably feels like the loneliest person in the world. It's hard not to feel like that with this condition. It's why I bother with her so much.
Cordelia raises her head from my shoulder, "Why'd you stop?" frown etched on her lips.
I turn slightly to face her, "Just trying to figure out why this is your favourite book, is all."
She rolls her eyes, "The Great Gatsby is a classic."
"Still, weird you named your—" I yawn, "—Cat after it."
Furrowing her brows, "You're tired," She accuses, more then questions.
I can't hide the bluntness in my voice, "You're not."
Cordelia looks down to her hands. Tucks a loose raven curl behind her ear. "I shouldn't have showed up like that. It was unfair, you need rest."
The fire burns brighter for a second, casting an orange glow on her freckle covered cheeks. I wonder how long it would take to count them all. Folding the top of the page to mark it, I set the book down next to me. "We both need rest actually. And, It's not a burden to spend time with you, Cordelia."
It's truly not, she makes me feel validated in a way. When I talk, I think she actually hears me. No one else ever does. There's often a lingering feeling left in the air when we're alone though. Tension?
Her eyes always calculate every word that tumbles from my lips and every movement I make. Waiting for me to tell her that I don't want her around anymore.
"I wish you would tell me why you aren't sleeping instead, though." I add.
She drops her head back down on my shoulders, the feeling of her warmth returning, ironically sending waves of chills through me.
"I'm scared. That's been absurdly fucking hard for me to admit but it's true. I'm scared of so fucking much I can't think of anything else anymore. Right now it's more about your friends not accepting me, as childish as it sounds." She murmurs.
I know what she's talking about. The war is getting closer and closer daily. It seems there's always another death being covered in the headlines and Voldemort's been either recruiting werewolves—or killing them.
Sirius hasn't been making things especially easy for her either. I think it's because, he knows she's the reason I'm not always waiting on him anymore.
Sirius is threatened by her, and by Merlin it feels good.
"I understand why you're afraid, it's not childish," I whisper, "It's going to be okay. I'm going to make sure you'll be okay."
She exhales through her nose and rises to her feet.
"We should go,"
Hesitantly, I stand up, collecting her book and handing it to her, "We should."
☽☽☽
"Really, Remus. I know you didn't sleep, you look worse than usual." James tells me, placing the back of his hand on my forehead.
I smack it away, "Thanks, Prongs."
He puts his hands up in surrender and goes back to ruffling his hair in the mirror. I lay my head down on my pillow, fighting a losing battle with sleep. "Do you know where Sirius and Peter are?" I ask, "We've all got to have a chat."
James' brows raise, "Lunch detention with Filch, should be back soon," He eyes me suspiciously, "Chat about what?"
I look down to my torn up cuticles and finger tips. This habit of mine is getting rather severe, Poppy said they'll get infected if I don't stop.
Closing my hand into a tight fist, I dig what's left of my nails into the heels of my palms.
"Well—" There's a knock at the door.
I hop to my feet, wobbling slightly, when black spots invade my vision. "I'll get it," I pull the door open and there Cordelia is. Biting down harshly on her lip.
"Hey," She says.
Stepping aside to let her in I say, "It's just James right now."
Cordelia nods and stands awkwardly in the centre of the room.
"Hey Evans," James smiles tightly, walking past her, "Remus, what the fuck is going on?" He mutters to me, oblivious she can still hear him. She rolls her eyes.
"Wait, this could be good," Cordelia chimes.
"What? What could?"
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"Well James seems harmless enough. It might benefit to have him on our side first." She says.
"I am not harmless! Have me on your side for what?"
I rub my chin and nod thoughtfully. Peter will follow whatever James does. From there, it should be easy enough to get Sirius on board. "Okay, good idea,"
"What the fuck are you two on about?!" James exclaims, looking panicked. He never could handle being out of the loop.
Putting my hands on his shoulders, I seat him at the edge of my bed. I feel Cordelias presence looming behind me.
"We have something to tell you. I'd appreciate it if you would just hear us out, no matter your opinion," She says, with a steady voice.
James puts his heads in his hands, "Oh Moony, oh no, Moony," He mutters repeatedly.
"Huh?"
"You got her pregnant, didn't you?" He groans.
"What? No!" I shout.
Cordelia scoffs like she's to smart to dignify that with a response. "Potter, I'm a Werewolf. That's what it is, your precious wolf-boy hasn't gone and knocked me up." She scolds. The motherly tone in her voice reminds me of Lily, besides the crudeness.
James eyes the both of us, no reaction. I clear my throat, "She's going to spend the full moon with us, if Dumbledore allows it,"
A grin grows on his lips and he springs up, pulling Cordelia into a hug. Her arms hang limp at her sides.
"Brilliant! This is brilliant!" He beams.
She shrugs him off, "So you'll help if Sirius hates the idea?"
"Of course. Anything for our Moony,"
I give him a confused glance at the statement. He waves me off.
The door opens abruptly, "Did you see his face Wormtail? Priceless!" Sirius laughs as him and Peter stroll in.
His eyes scan the room, "What is she doing here?"
Cordelia visibly shrinks at his death glare. It happens so fast I would've missed it if I blinked. Because, next second, her shoulders are squared and she has a stoic expression on her face.
James walks over to Sirius, "Simmer down, yeah? She has something to tell us," He says, patting his chest.
"Well? What's so important she shows up at our dorm again?" He barks, still glaring at her.
Peter slinks to the other side of James.
"She didn't 'show up' mate. I invited her," I reply, just as harshly. A sudden protective edge to my mood.
Sirius head snaps to me. His jaw clenches. He puffs his chest.
"I know you don't like me, so i'll do us both a favour and make this quick—" Cordelia pipes up, I give her an encouraging nod. "—I'm the student who was bitten by Fenrir. I'm a werewolf and Remus has been helping me through it."
I admire the way she lays out the facts. The facts are all that truly matter.
A flurry of emotions pass on Sirius' face, confusion, anger, relief perhaps? Peters jaw is slack and James still has his hand on Sirius chest. Prepared to hold him back but also keeping him calm. A duel purpose.
"What's that got to do with us?" He finally asks.
"She's going to spend the full moon with us," James speaks lowly.
"No," Sirius crosses his arms. Peter mimics this action.
I scoff in disbelief, "No? Sirius I'm not asking you, I'm telling you."
"No, that is not happening. Marauders only, we all know that."
"C'mon Padfoot—" James starts. By the time the two words are out of his mouth, Cordelia is in-front of Sirius. Wand pointed at his neck.
"Delia..." I warn. She looks over her shoulder and the fury on her face shuts me up instantly.
"Listen here, Padfoot," Cordelia seethes, "I've wasted too much time wondering why I wasn't good enough for your little Gryffindor standards. But, every day you make it more and more obvious it's because I can't get my head far enough up my own arse." She spits.
Sirius opens his mouth. She presses her wand deeper into his throat. Peters eyes flicker all over the scene, debating on intervening. James is sending him a glare that says 'don't you dare.'
"If Remus didn't want me here, I wouldn't be. It's like he said, He's giving you the courtesy of telling you—not asking. I have absolutely nothing to prove to you, so quit the petty intimidation tactics, you don't scare me. And, for the love of fucking Merlin—" She looks at me again, "—Treat your fucking friend better. It's a wonder he has any respect for you at all, mutt." Cordelia lowers her wand and backs away slowly.
I stare at her, admittedly astonished. My lip quirks upwards and I press them together into a harsh, straight line.
Sirius looks at me like i've betrayed him when he realizes i'm not going to jump to his defence. "Whatever, cheers mate." He mutters turning to leave the room.
The door slams shut and we jolt at the loud sound. We all stare at each other silently.
Cordelia smirks, clearly pleased with herself, "I think that went well, no?"
"I should go find him," Peter announces. James nods in agreement and Cordelia looks at her feet. "I guess I'll see you later then, Evans." He adds, before going out the door as well.
She sighs in relief, taking his words for what they were. A peace offering. An understanding.
"Don't worry he'll come around when I talk to him alone later." James says.
"If you say so," Cordelia huffs, "I should go.
My meeting with Dumbledore is in an hour."
"Alright, meet us here when you're done." She nods.
"Bye, Evans."
"Bye, Potter, Remus."
The door shuts for a third time leaving James and I alone. I groan, rubbing my eyes and flop back onto my bed, allowing my legs to finally give out. The bed sinks in by my feet. I don't move at all.
"Anything for our Moony, huh?" I ask.
James inhales deeply, "I've read that spending the full moon with another werewolf can be very beneficial. More than Animagi." he exhales.
I remove my hands from my face now staring at the red canopy held up by the four posters. "You read that?"
He scoffs, "Believe it or not I was the one who did all the research about becoming Animagi."
I grin, of course I know James is extremely smart. He's always been a bit insecure about falling behind, not being able to impress people. So he pushes himself to make up for it.
"I think...she's going to be good for you, Moony. Even if I didn't like her—and I do— I would still put up with her because of how strongly I believe that. We all would. We all are,"
I sit up, "Why does he have to be so stubborn?"
James scratches the back of his head like he's trying to grab the right answer. "I don't think he wants to share." He pats my knee and goes back to ruffling his hair in the mirror as if nothing ever occurred.
☽☽☽
"He's not coming is he?" I ask, burying my face into the common room couch.
"Relax, he'll be here," James reassures.
I don't think he will. He was pretty angry.
"Well he has to hurry up—the moon is already rising," I argue.
Footsteps descend from the dormitory stairs , "Well I don't see her here either."
I look up and catch sight of Sirius standing at the end of the steps. Cool and unbothered look on his face.
Cordelia comes stumbling out of the portrait hole, pale and unkempt. "Don't speak so soon Black," She smiles.
Sirius eyes roll away from her back to me, "You gave her the password?"
I shrug innocently, "Figured she'll be around a lot more. Makes it easier,"
He shakes his head and mutters something under his breath.
James claps his hands together, "Are you lot ready to go?"
"Yes," We all state, annoyed.
"Then off to the Forrest we go!" James cheers, holding his invisibility cloak up.
Sirius and Peter get under the cloak along with James. I walk over and follow suit.
James is leading the way with Sirius in the front, Peter on their tails. Cordelia is now at my side. Her finger rapidly tapping the outer part of her leg.
"It's going to be okay." I tell her again.
She looks up at me and smiles weakly, shaking her head, "I know."
As the portrait swings open and we're about to step out of the hole, I take her hand and lace our fingers together.
Surprise! A chapter from Remus' pov!
What'd you think?
Song: Meet me in the woods by lord huron (linked at top)