"I said," he threatened and flounced towards me, his shoulders shaking in anger, "Look at it!" he grasped the back of my head, forcing it down and almost slamming it against the desk.
"Do you see?" he laughed, "Do you see what she fucking did to you? That fucking lying dyke?"
"No..." I sobbed as I stared at the name in disbelief, tears falling on the page before me freely, smearing the ink, but the name was still clear, as if untouched by the salty droplets.
"Read it out loud, Chaeyoung. Come on, say it," he prodded calmly this time.
"Manoban," I breathed, "Bam Bam Manoban,"
"That's right, she fucking knew about it all along and didn't tell you a thing. Why do you think that is, hm?"
"N-No..." I choked out, "This.... this isn't possible... it can't be... I don't-"
"Don't what? Believe it?" he chuckled in amusement and forced my head down to look at the files again, staring into brown eyes that were so similar to Lisa's even on the picture.
"Look at his face, he did this. There is proof, he was sentenced and is in prison for the murder he committed. Murder Chaeyoung, not an accident. And I will make sure the fucker will rot in there forever,"
"I can't-... I..." there were no coherent words that I could speak at that moment. My mind was a mess and I couldn't process the things going on around me. I couldn't look into the face of the murderer who killed my parents and acknowledge who was staring back at me. It just wasn't possible. This couldn't be the truth. It had to be some sick joke, some prank. But as my unfocused eyes roamed the page, I knew it wasn't.
Lisa has known all along.
Her brother murdered my parents in cold blood, stalked them for weeks, and she knew. This entire time she knew, and she never as much as mentioned it. This whole time she played the victim, like I left her and ruined her life, like I was the villain, when in fact it was her. When it was she who caused this. Her brother, who ruined everything. And all the while she would hate me. She would show me just how much she loathed me when she knew it was his fault all along.
I couldn't believe my eyes. Couldn't believe the words printed across the page in bold. She knew, and she never told me. She pretended to be innocent while knowing it was him who took the last people I had left out of my life. That it was her precious brother who wiped them out of existence.
Tears kept falling on the paper stack before me, drenching it and seeping into it, making the words printed across mesh with the ones behind it. The walls were pressing in around me and have my mind not been completely preoccupied, I would have worried about falling to the ground as my knees wobbled. I couldn't hold myself up anymore. Not with the revelation making its way into all parts of my brain, making sure I understood its meaning. That I understood the people I've let into my life to ruin it.
I was becoming dizzy, my head was spinning, and I had to grip the edge of the desk so I wouldn't tumble over. I could hear the pounding of my heart, the ringing in my ears as blood flowed through my veins. I didn't feel anger or sadness, just disorientation. Like everything around me became blank, and I was a single black splash on an empty canvas; enveloped in nothingness.
My mind gave out, completely rid of all thoughts as Chanyeol kept flipping the pages. And with each sound of the page turning, flashes of the past appeared before my eyes. Shouts in the distance that I knew I must've dreamt, not being present during the no longer accident, but murder. Bloodied clothes and bodies on every picture Chanyeol forced me to look at, reminding me of when I went to the morgue to see them for the last time.
Their cold bodies, the color drained from their features. Bodies completely lifeless. Blood no longer pumping through their veins and hearts long done beating. Every flip of a page made it so much more real. Everything was crashing down on me and I couldn't breathe. Couldn't hold myself up. Couldn't think about anything. All I saw in front of me were their faces, drained of life. Their skin sickeningly white and pale lips that would never open again to speak words I was so desperate to hear.
They were dead at the scene. There was no saving either of them. The impact was so strong that there was no chance of survival. Yet he survived. The one who was responsible survived to live out his life, even if in prison. But they wouldn't. They wouldn't get to see anything of my life and left me in the hands of a monster to imprison me in his clutches.
And even though I felt the color drain from my face, my entire body clammy and shaking, he didn't let go. He held me up even when my legs gave up, forcing me to take in page after page, my eyes meeting photographs of them in a pool of their own blood, glass piercing through their skin.
I felt sick. Nausea accompanying the dizziness, and the dull pain in my heart. I was going to vomit, I could feel it making its way up my throat until it reached its opening and I forcefully pushed Chanyeol away, falling onto the ground and spewing my insides out. Just like them, I felt like a truck ran me over. I heaved on his crimson red rug, covering it in vomit, and I didn't care whether it would have any consequences.
My body trembled, I was freezing, and despite not eating much earlier in the day, I kept on retching until I was dry heaving, not even liquid coming out of me, just the pathetic sounds. He didn't come to check on me, to hold my hair. He just stood there over me, watching me. And after what felt like excruciating hours, but couldn't be more than a few minutes, I stopped.
I remained on all fours, mind distant and eyes misty, smelling my own spew. Yet, he didn't help me stand up. He didn't offer his hand or asked me whether I was okay. Instead, when I looked up at him, he was leaning back against the desk, arms crossed across his chest with a wicked grin on his face.
"There's vomit on your face, darling," he informed, and I wiped it away with the back of my palm before attempting to stand up. Extorting great effort not to tumble right over, I reached for Chanyeol, who quickly stepped to the side, my hand coming in contact with his desk instead. It didn't matter what it was that kept me steady so long as I didn't collapse on the floor again.
"Y-You did this?" my voice was congested when I spoke. It wasn't straight away, only after taking in deep breaths to make sure I didn't pass out and ignoring the rancid taste in my mouth despite craving a glass of water to get the taste out.
"Did what?" he chuckled, still clearly amused, not caring I just probably permanently destroyed one of his expensive rugs.
"Y-You knew,"
"Of course I did," he affirmed with a nod of his head and stepped around the desk, the leather swivel chair squeaking as he sat down, crossing his legs, "I'm not stupid. I mean, you didn't really think I didn't know who your pathetic, little, dyke girlfriend was. Did you?"
I gulped, "W-Why would you... do... this?" I shook my head violently, "Why... would you... I don't..."
"Because I love you, of course. I have to look out for you, my love. Who else will if I don't? That's what I vowed when I married you, remember?"
"All this... did you..." I couldn't even finish my sentence, my sobs choking me and preventing me from breathing, let alone speaking.
"Plan this?" he finished, "Partly, yes," he conceded.
"How?" I choked out, my words strained.
"My dear Chaeyoung," he sighed, "You need to know I really didn't want it to come to this. But you didn't give me any other choice,"
"How?" I repeated my question, my voice a tad bit stronger this time, making him chortle.
"Now, now, why so impatient? You should thank me, really. I saved you from that monster once again," he must've noticed my desperate and questioning expression because he relented, "I knew her. The woman you dated in college. I knew who she was before we got married,"
"I didn't buy YG because of her if that's what you're wondering," he added when he saw me ready to interject, "It was a happy accident, really. But when I found out she worked there, I had to take advantage of it. I knew I was right to do it when you disappeared first thing when you saw her and chased after her when I went to show you around,"
"S-So you knew?" I asked, perplexed.
"That you went to see her? Yes."
"Why-"
"Why did I make you go into her office one more time?" he asked and I nodded, not strong enough to speak, "So she knows who you belong to," Chanyeol shrugged as if it was obvious, "After that, I knew you wouldn't be able to stay away from her. I hoped you would. I didn't want it to come down to this, but you would just keep running after her.
I knew you never lost feelings for her. Even when she would push you away, you would still come back to her. It was infuriating. No matter what I did and how much I took care of you, you would still only think about her. I was hoping you would stop. But you didn't and I couldn't watch you destroy yourself,"
"Why n-now? Why didn't you... just... tell me before? If... you knew,"
"It was obvious she didn't tell you the truth; you wouldn't trail after her if she did. I was hoping you would realize she doesn't love you, I didn't want to break the news to you. I didn't want to hurt you, but it couldn't be avoided. You were getting close again, I couldn't let that happen. Not when she's the sister of the disgusting piece of shit who killed your parents, Chae. I couldn't do that to you, I couldn't stay silent. I didn't have any other choice,"
"B-but why? You knew... you could've... got rid of her,"
"I wanted you to see her true face. To see who she really was so you wouldn't love her anymore. So you would see I'm the only one for you, Chaeyoung,"
"Y-You're sick," I observed, but he didn't get angry. He merely leaned back in his chair, his smile stretching out in complete amusement.
"Do you think she ever loved you?" the Korean man asked out of nowhere, his finger tapping his chin mockingly, already knowing the answer.
"W-What?"
"Do you think she ever loved you?" he repeated but continued when he noticed my perplexed expression and realized I wouldn't answer, "She knew what he was up to, you know. He's her brother. She isn't close with her family, he's the only one she has left, isn't he? Do you really think she wouldn't know?"
"She... didn't," I shook my head vigorously, denying his implications in my head, refusing to let him get under my skin.
"Seriously?" he guffawed, "After everything I just told you, you're still so naïve? Wow, Chaeyoung, your stupidity is impressive. Think about it. Little Lisa who never experienced the love from her parents only has her big brother who sacrificed everything for her. He was the closest person she ever had. Do you seriously believe he wouldn't tell her?"
"Why... would they..."
"He worked for me, you know that don't you?" he asked and I simply only nodded again in acknowledgment, "You should've seen how angry he got when he saw you on video chat. He is an extremely aggressive man, he conceded it well though. He trashed his office. I had to fire him because he endangered the other employees,"
I didn't want to believe his words. I wanted to think he was lying. But I couldn't help but remember the older of the siblings and the way he would stare at me when we met for the first time. So distant and somewhat cold before he would snap into his sweet big brother act.
Every time his eyes lingered on mine, I saw something that wasn't supposed to be there. I couldn't tell what emotion it was then, but it all fell into place now. Anger. He felt anger, hatred, loathing towards me. But why? Was it because he thought I stole his younger sister away from him? Because Lisa was gay? As if Chanyeol could hear my thoughts, he spoke up again.
"You had it all handed to you on a silver platter. Rich parents, big company you could inherit with a snap of your fingers. Your sister, she didn't have to sacrifice herself for you. Unlike the Manobans, you had it easy," he got up from his chair and walked over to the window, looking out into the distance in thought.
"He had to sacrifice his childhood for his sister. They worked him to the bone since he was a kid, just so his sister wouldn't have to be. But you, even after Alice died, you could have it all. You wouldn't have to move a finger, just accept being the heir to the company. Unlike him, you had it incredibly easy. And in his eyes, you were ungrateful. To just throw your right to be the CEO just like that, to give it away to the first person who came along, it just didn't sit right with him. Not to mention, you kept it a secret from his sister and lied to her. You acted like you had it all hard with the death of your sister when, in reality, your life was so incredibly easy. At least compared to the two of them.
Bam Bam knew that if your parents died, you would have to leave Lisa and wouldn't have any other choice but become a CEO and know the pain he has experienced. He wanted you away from his sister and wanted you to know what it was like to have a hard life. The idea of you with his sister, he loathed it. Having someone who never had to lift a finger for anything being with someone like Lisa. He absolutely hated the idea. So he took matters into his own hands. Bam was tired of his life anyway, he was tired of always working and being exhausted day by day. He didn't even attempt to cover his tracks. He was probably hoping he would end up in prison," Chanyeol laughed quietly and turned to look at me, tears streaming down my face since he started talking.
"What... what does this... have to do... with her?"
"Aside from the obvious that she's his sister and kept the truth from you? Well, I think you know better than anyone how much Lisa adores her older brother. Do you think he was doing this alone? They were in constant contact. If Lisa loved you, she would never forgive him for hurting you like that. But she let it happen. She didn't tell you when he did it but kept it to herself.
When she found out, she loathed you. Loathed that you didn't tell her the truth. Loathed that she couldn't see her brother at all, but you had it so easy. She wanted to get back at you; I guess. So you would really understand the pain she and her brother felt. They plotted against you from the beginning, Chaeyoung. Both of them,"
"That... that can't be... true," I choked out, "Lisa... she would... never,"
"Maybe not," he admitted, "I don't have any proof that she was involved to that extent. But it makes sense, doesn't it? Why else wouldn't she tell you about it? Why else would she play the victim all this time? She loves her brother and she would choose him over anyone, anytime. Even you," Chanyeol shrugged, and I hated the way his words made sense.
I pondered over his words. I tried to recall all the moments with Lisa I would return to whenever I would miss her, but this time, all I felt was pain, as I thought back to those times. They no longer provided me with comfort and a sense of safety, but the exact opposite. My heart felt as if it was being squeezed and twisted in my chest like someone desperately tried to rip it out. But whenever the grasp on my heart pulled, almost taking the barely beating organ with it, it stilled.
It would twist, squeeze, punch, even stab my heart, but it would never take it out. Instead, it would stay inside, inflicting even more damage to both my physical and mental health. Because though no one was hurting my body, I knew that this pain wasn't merely in my head. That this searing pain was way more than just a gut feeling one experience during a heartbreak. No, this was worse than anything I have ever experienced.
As much as I didn't want to believe Chanyeol, it was hard to ignore his words. Bam Bam killed my parents, that much I was sure of. But his other words were mere speculations. I didn't want to believe them. What if this was his plan all along? To get under my skin? To bury all the feelings I held for the Thai woman six feet deep. But I couldn't trust that voice inside my head that screamed that it couldn't be. That it wasn't possible.
His words, albeit painful, made sense. Chanyeol was right. She didn't tell me a single thing. She would push me away, say harsh things to me, do things that broke my heart, all the while knowing the truth; I wouldn't have left, has it not been for him. She had many opportunities to tell me, yet she didn't. Lisa kept it from me, lied to my face whenever I would mention her brother.
She loved him more than anyone. He was the only family she had left. I knew she would pick him over me. I didn't doubt that. Not anymore, at least. It was abundantly clear to me now. Whether or not Chanyeol's conjecture was true, it didn't change the fact she lied. That while I tried so hard to get her to see the truth and forgive me, she knew the cause of my pain and stayed quiet. Lisa watched me suffer, knowing full well it was her own blood who made me this way. That the reason I was in this situation in the first place was Bam Bam.
Lisa was deceiving me all along. She would tell me blatant lies and I, like the naïve idiot I was, believed her. When she would tell me she would save me, that she would do everything she could to get me out of Chanyeol's hold, despite fear for her, I let myself believe and hope she would. That she would be the one to set me free, when in reality, she was the one to close and lock my cage, in the first place.
She would tell me comforting words all while having the key but never saying a word. Lisa was nothing more than a liar. A despicable person who reigned havoc on my life. And for the first time, I did something I never thought I would; I wished I have never met her.
I wished I would have never fallen in love with her in the first place. I wished I would've stayed annoyed with the obnoxious blonde and never let my guard down around her. Because she took advantage of me. And now I was suffering under her cruel hands.
Nothing mattered anymore. Not what she wanted to tell me earlier, not what she would tell me as I would fall asleep in her embrace. Not the memories I used to cherish with my whole heart. It has all gone to shit, and I didn't want to think about her anymore. It was over. All of it. I was done. Whether she knew or didn't, she chose not to tell me. And that was all that mattered. She withheld the truth, and that was all I needed to know.
The tears stopped streaming down my face. All trace of them gone, just the damp cheeks and puffy eyes remaining. And Chanyeol would walk up to me then, and take my hand, slowly taking me up into our bedroom.
Wordlessly, he would sit me down on the bed and walk over to our shared closet, where he pulled a blue plushie from the top shelf, where I obscured it from his view. He would come closer, make sure I got a good look at the toy before he smiled sympathetically and ripped its head off, throwing the stuffed animal on the ground, letting it bleed out in white plush. And I didn't care. I didn't wince. I let him do it without a single feeling of remorse, guilt, or fear of being discovered.
I watched him reach into the closet again, pulling off two UCLA hoodies. the top shelf one, barely touched, the other clearly worn for years, the letters on the front crumbled. He threw the untouched one next to me on the bed and pulled me up, dragging me to the bathroom because my legs no longer worked.
We reached the bathtub and he let go of my hand as he threw the grey fabric in. Undoing the cap of the liquor bottle I didn't even realize he was holding, he poured the caramel-colored liquid on the article of clothing, drenching it and making it stench from alcohol. Afterward, he threw the empty bottle behind him, letting it crash against the marbled floor, exploding into a million tiny pieces of glass. And though I would normally wince, I didn't as much as move a muscle. I was numb to it all.
Reaching into the pocket of his slacks, he pulled out a silver lighter, making it twinkle in the soft light. He flicked it, a small flame appearing instantly, and brought it to the grey fabric, letting it catch fire before dropping it into the bathtub where we watched it burn.
His hand wrapped around my waist, pulling me closer, but I didn't feel it. I didn't care. I wasn't there. In my mind, I was far away on a stranded island, all alone, left to be eaten by the starving wild animals tearing me to shreds. But I didn't make a sound. I let them tear my limbs off without so much as a whimper.
I watched them do it as I stood over my bloodied body, slowly disappearing down the snout of the starved creatures.
-
"Chaeyoung?" Lisa's eyes widened as they fell upon me, "What are you doing here?" she reached for the light switch in the hallway, illuminating both our faces, making her gasp at the sight, "Why are you crying?" her voice was gentle, but I couldn't be.
I could barely stand to look at her. I had to come here though; I had to face her just how I had to face all my demons. Unfortunately, she became one of those dark scary creatures that haunted me every night. If I could, I would never see her again. That was my initial plan, anyway.
Not once have I returned any of her texts or calls. Her voice or simply talking to her was not something I could handle. Not after finally knowing the truth she would so persistently withhold from me. And yet, she had the audacity to look surprised. Had the nerve to claim how she would rescue me when she was the one who I needed to be rescued from.
All bad things are good for something. I didn't see it at first, failed to when I was forced to leave her and change my life completely. Back then I was heartbroken and scared, but now I could finally see, it was for the better. If only I knew sooner, I would've never wasted my time in the first place.
Her words would echo in my mind, "I never want to see you again," and they resonated with me perfectly. I never wanted to see her again. And I planned on ignoring her existence for the rest of my life, but my restless nights wouldn't allow me to. Despite knowing seeing her would only fuel the pain and resentment, I needed answers. I needed to hear it from her. Needed her to look into my eyes and tell me the truth. Deliver the final blow to the blinded fool.
"A-All this time," I choked out, hot tears streaming down my face, "you knew,"
"What?" she asked baffled, "Are you okay? Did he hurt you again?"
"You hurt me Lalisa!" I yelled, catching her off guard, "You are the one... who... who," my eyes fell to the golden object hanging around her neck suddenly, fueling my anger and resentment further. Because out of all the times I've seen her, she just had to choose the worst moment possible. The gift no longer held any sentimental value to me. Perhaps if I've seen her wear it before, I'd be touched. But right now, I wanted to slap her across the face for wearing it. For carrying the picture of him, Jennie with Jisoo, and me in the same locket so proudly.
"Rosie I-"
"Don't fucking touch me," I flinched, fire burning in my eyes as she reached for my hand, and thankfully she retreated, hurt clear in her eyes. But I didn't care. Not in the slightest, "Funny you'd wear that now," I scoffed indifferently.
"What?" she looked down, realization dawning on her, "I didn't... Rosie, please-"
"Don't call me that," I wanted to sound heartless, but sobbed instead, a threatening edge to my voice as I tried hard to fight back the tears that despite my great efforts, started rolling down my cheeks in steady streams. Whether it was in anger or sadness, I was not sure, but I reckoned it was probably a perfect blend of both.
"Okay," she said in defeat, hanging her head low, "Come inside, please,"
"Why should I?" I spat, "So you can lie to my face some more? You think I'm that stupid?"
"Of course not Ro-... of course not," she corrected herself before I got the chance to repeat my previous words.
"You're nothing more than a liar," I told matter-of-factly, with no emotion in my voice that I soon found as I repeated louder, "A fucking liar!"
"Please, don't-"
"Don't what, huh?" I scoffed incredulously, "Don't make a scene? Why? You don't want everyone to know what a despicable person you are?"
"You have every right to be angry but-"
"Damn right I do. You lied to, kept on lying to me despite me specifically asking, and you said nothing. You stayed quiet and kept me in the dark like a fool! Was that your intention, Lalisa?!"
"I tried to tell you," she pleaded, "I promise I did. So many times I wanted to but-"
"But what? Huh? You wanted to fuck me first? Is that it?" I accused the shorter woman, who now seemed even more petite as she cowered. But she perked up at my last sentence, eyeing me with the utmost disbelief.
"Of course not! We never even-"
"So it did matter," I noted, "It is all you wanted from me, wasn't it? Would you tell me then? After you'd use me? Or would you make a fool out of me for a little longer so you could use me some more? Fuck, I opened up to you! I trusted you! Trusted that you wouldn't take advantage of me as everyone else has, yet you betrayed me more than anyone else! And you have the audacity to act hurt when I approached you? How dare you, Lisa?" I pointed a finger at her chest, shoving her backward, "How fucking dare you make me feel guilty when it's your fucking fault,"
"It's n-not-"
"MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING DEAD!" I screamed, my voice breaking with the last word, a sob choking me in the process, "They're dead," and falling to the ground in front of her.
"I'm so sorry Rosie," she cried, dropping to her knees in front of me, "Please, look at me," she begged.
"Was this why you were so nice to me?"
"W-what?"
"Is this why you changed a hundred and eighty degrees in the span of just a few days? Was this all a ruse to make me fall for you again? To make me trust you so you could deliver the final blow for your brother? Don't you think I suffered enough? Do you hate me that much?"
"Deliver the final blow for my brother? Rosie, what are you talking about?"
"He killed them, didn't he?! You knew, didn't you?!"
"I swear to you, I didn't," she reached for my hands but knew better than to touch me, "I didn't know what he would do. Rosie, please, you have to believe me. I had no idea,"
"Why should I?" I asked in defeat, "Why should I believe a single word you say?"
"You're right, you shouldn't," the woman I once used to look with utmost adoration acknowledged, "But I hope you will. You know me better than anyone else-"
"Clearly, I don't,"
And though I wasn't looking at her directly, I caught the movement as she shook her head vigorously, surely giving herself whiplash, "Don't say that,"
"Why not? It's true,"
"I promise, I didn't know. I haven't spoken to him once since. Bam is no longer a brother to me, not after what he's done. You have to believe me, Rosie. I'd do anything I could to prove it to you. Please, just tell me what to do. Just tell me how to fix this,"
"Lies, lies, and more lies. You visited him, you call him frequently, I know you do. So for the love of God, say one truth! Stop fucking lying to my face!"
"I never went to see him-"
"Bullshit, I saw the pictures!"
"What pictures? God, Rosie, I swear I haven't talked to him since. Whoever you saw, it wasn't me. I swear that on my life,"
"Even now," I sighed sadly, "you still can't tell me the truth, huh," and stood up from the cold ground, not being able to bear being in her presence for any longer. Clearly, she would not give me the answers I needed and would continue to lie to me. Or perhaps I just wasn't ready to listen yet, and I knew I would never be.
"Rosie please," this time she grabbed my wrist, and I didn't have the energy to jerk it out from her hold, "Stay," I met her pleading eyes sparkling from the tears in the faint light in the hallway. But I didn't feel any remorse, for the girl sat on her knees, begging me to listen. I felt no sadness in my chest as I looked at the desperate woman.
"Let me go, Lisa," I commanded flatly.
"No," she shook her head, "Let me explain. You have to know the truth, I-"
"I know the truth, I don't need to hear the lies from you,"
"No, you don't," she argued weakly, "I don't know what he told you but it's not true, okay? I did not know he would do that. And I resent him for it. He's fucking dead to me. This was never payback or a way to hurt you back or whatever you seem to think is the case. I know it was unfair of me to treat you that way for what happened when it was my fault, but I was hurt too. Rosie, please you have to believe me,"
"Why should I?"
"I never lied to you," she admitted quietly, "Not until now. He has. He hurts you, he abuses you, he-"
"Don't try to make this about him," I warned, "This has nothing to do with Chanyeol. This is all you," Lisa winced at my harsh words.
"Ask yourself this then; who do you trust? Who has been by your side when you needed someone? Who have you known for years?"
"Clearly, I don't know anyone anymore," and with that, I pried my hand away from her weakened hold and stepped away, not sparing the kneeling woman another glance as I walked out of her building, and ultimately, out of her life.
It's better to be alone. Trust no one.
I didn't know whether she was telling the truth. For all I knew, she could still be playing the little game she and her brother created to reel me in. To hurt me even further in this sick revenge plan of theirs. As much as I wanted to believe her, I couldn't.
My phone kept ringing continuously as I roamed the empty streets, Michael quietly walking behind me. Have I not arrived with him, I wouldn't have known he was there in the first place. I ignored her calls vehemently. Either ending them or letting her go to voice mail. But as much as I wanted to, I couldn't bring myself to turn the device off.
Every time it would ring, I wouldn't have to check it was her. Every time the sound would resound through the quiet streets covered in the dark velvet of the night, I would burst into tears and sob quietly. All for her. For the only person, I have ever loved. For the one who betrayed me and ruined me. For the one who hurt me more than I thought anyone could. I didn't think I could suffer any more damage, yet; she was successful in proving me otherwise. Until now, I didn't know what was pain.
So when it rang for what was surely at least the twentieth time after about an hour of mindless walking, I picked up, bringing the device up to my ear. And though I could hear her relieved sigh, I didn't let her speak.
"It doesn't matter what the full truth is," I informed my past lover on the other line, "What I know to be true is that you lied to me. I trusted you with all of me, and you took advantage of that. It doesn't matter to me, what your intentions were. It doesn't change anything,"
"Rosie please," she begged, her voice strained as she cried audibly, her sniffles and sobs piercing through my heart despite vowing she would never affect me in such a way again, "Please, listen to me,"
"I can't bear to look at you, Lisa," I admitted, "I can't stand to be in your presence. No matter what happened that night and all the nights before, he's all I see in you now. And I just can't,"
"Please, I beg you, don't do this,"
"Goodbye, Lisa,"
"Rosie pl-" I ended the call, this time powering off my phone before she could redial my number.
No matter what I told myself or what the truth was, one thing I knew for certain was that in spite of everything, the woman I left crying in the hallway was still the one I loved. Despite the lies and the deceit, I loved her and that was what hurt the most. Knowing what she did, knowing what her own blood stood behind, and loving her all the same.
But I could no longer look at her. Couldn't meet her eyes without seeing his, staring back at me from the picture on Chanyeol's desk. I couldn't help but see all their similarities, all the small features the siblings shared. As much as I didn't want to, Lisa was no longer my lover, my best friend, or my soulmate. She was just a person. The sister of the one who ended the lives of the only family I had left. All I could see now was the man that took my family away. Even if her words were true and she had nothing to do with it.
That's all I could see in her now. Pain and death. And I couldn't bear to look at that. Couldn't bear to look at her tear-stained face, twisted in guilt and regret. No, I couldn't stand the way she was looking at me, pleading for me not to go again. Part of me wanted to listen and wanted to stay, but unfortunately, it wasn't strong enough. I wasn't strong enough to look past her lies, past her family, past the poison.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. And I didn't want to be fooled anymore. Not by her, and not by anyone else. Finally, I have learned my lesson. There was absolutely no one in this world I could trust. Not Chanyeol, not Michael, not the two Kims who without a doubt knew the truth as well, and certainly not Lisa, who deceived me the most out of everyone. Not the one who played the trickster, no matter how noble her intentions were.
Because I couldn't help but wonder whether she did it to protect me. But I knew that was merely wishful thinking. That I was being the stupid, naïve Chaeyoung that Chanyeol so graciously pointed out to me. She didn't do it to protect me; she did it to protect herself. Herself, and no one else. Because in the end, it's only ourselves we should look after.
I might not know the truth, but I was sure of one thing, the things I was told weren't real. I didn't know whether I could believe any words that were told to me in the last week, hell, in my entire life. However, I was certain I could not trust Chanyeol. If he taught me one thing, it was to believe no one, and though it was not his intention to spark this idea, I knew he was the first one on the list. I could only trust the words written on an official paper. That was true.
But whether Lisa was involved at all or not, I did not know. He told me his speculations; she told me her truth. But who was I to believe, a man who took advantage of me and abused me, yet told me the truth unlike everyone else who laughed at my unawareness? Or was I believe the woman who I thought I knew, but turns out, I didn't know at all. The one I trusted without a single doubt in my heart, who turned out to hurt me the most out of everyone?
If she lied about this, how could I be positive it was the only lie she told? How could I be sure that everything else that ever happened between us wasn't just a lie either? All the times she would tell me she loved me and take my hand. How was I to determine their honesty? I couldn't.
I wanted to believe her, to trust those expressive eyes that begged for attention and attentiveness. The one that spoke louder than any of her words ever did. The beautiful brown orbs that screamed at me, it wasn't true, that the picture I saw was fake and that she never meant for all this to happen. But I couldn't.
Love is not enough; It never was. And whoever says otherwise, believes in mere fairytales. Because I knew firsthand how cruel and merciless love could be. How it could destroy you and shred you into pieces.
All bad things start with a good intention. Maybe hers did too. But I no longer cared to find out.