Taylor hadn't ever felt so anxious about being seen at an event like this. She was doing her best to hide it because it was a special time, and she didn't want Joe to feel like she didn't actually want to go. Because she did. She really did. She was just scared of how they'd treat Thea, scared of how Thea would react. She hadn't even been this stressed when she'd have to complete interviews acting as if her life wasn't falling apart at the seams. She hadn't felt like her heart was going to tear out of her chest even when Jimmy had asked her how she was, how Adam was. When a fan had made a comment about the fact she was wearing so much makeup, or why she'd stopped wearing, what they called, the iconic crop tops and matching skirts with a beautiful pair of heels. She hadn't felt this anxious when she'd had to lie to her mother, or when she'd found out that she'd have to cancel the Lover tour.
What would happen if one of them said something about her past in front of Thea? What if they did something to hurt her? What if-
"My love," Taylor was roused from her thoughts by a hand on her shoulder. She didn't flinch when Joe did that anymore - she didn't jump when he touched her and she was so busy in her thoughts that she was unaware of all the things going on around her. She was relieved that she'd stopped flinching because she always felt so guilty because she knew that Joe would never hurt her. She knew that, but it seemed that her head didn't. She'd spend the rest of the day apologising to Joe if she'd flinched after he'd touched her, so it was obviously a relief to her when she no longer had to feel guilty about it. "Everything's going to be okay. We'll have our own security, on top of the security that they've already offered us," He told her, and Taylor gave him a smile because it so often felt as if he could actually read his mind. "And I've told Thea that a lot of them don't actually know what inside voices are, and so they might be a little bit loud, but she seems really excited, love. She really does. I think it's going to be okay." He cupped her cheeks and kissed her forehead. "We're all going to be okay. This is only a big deal because it's the first time we've ever taken her in front of the cameras. Blake's done it, and they've still managed to keep their privacy. Gigi's done it too, Khai's a natural. Something tells me that Thea will be too. You saw her in front of the camera - she loved it. She's already captured a special place in the world, and that space is just going to get bigger as she gets older."
Taylor smiled, pressing a finger to Joe's lips, frowning. "Shhhh, you know we're not allowed to talk about that. She's already old enough as it is... in fact, I think that I'm not going to let her get any older -" Taylor smiled.
"Mommy!" Thea called from her bedroom. Taylor leaned up and kissed Joe's cheek, grinning as she walked to into Thea's room to find that Thea was standing in a mess of all the dresses that they'd brought for her to wear.
"What's the matter?" Taylor asked as she kneeled down in front of her, taking her hands.
"What do I wear?" Thea exclaimed. "I don't know which one will make everyone like me more."
Taylor gave her a small smile. "Everyone's going to love you, no matter what you wear." She told her daughter with a kiss. She sighed. "What about this one?" Taylor led Thea to her bedroom, where she'd been keeping a little secret. She'd brought a dress a while ago, but kept it hidden from Thea because Taylor knew that the moment she saw it, she wouldn't take it off. It was almost perfect. It had all of Thea's favourite colours on it - and when Taylor had seen it, she truly hadn't been able to resist. It was a Stella Mccartney dress, which Taylor had brought a few months ago - firstly because it reminded her of Lover, and secondly because she knew that Thea would like so beautiful in it.
Clearly, she hadn't been able to say no. When it came to Thea, she'd hardly ever be able to say no.
"Yes!" Thea squealed, and Taylor smiled. "It's so pretty!"
"Alright then!" She smiled. Nothing made her happier than seeing a smile on Thea's face. Nothing made her happier than Thea in general, because all she wanted was for her to be happy.
Taylor could barely concentrate on getting herself ready. She was pacing backwards and forwards in front of the mirror. She was wearing a long, floaty purple dress with tiny little yellow suns on it. She'd decided that she'd wanted to wear something that she could move easily in, something that meant that she didn't have to worry about showing too much skin. She wore heels and had her hair brushed back into a loose ponytail. She'd worked it out so that this dress would mean that it would be one less thing she'd have to worry about. It meant that she'd be able to worry about Thea the whole time, what she was doing and how the cameras were treating her.
"Taylor, the car is here!" Joe called out as he came into the room holding Thea's hand. Taylor got a fright when Thea gasped, running up to her and looking at her dress with a huge grin.
"Mommy!"
"What?" Taylor asked her with a smile, crouching down to her height. "Are you okay?"
"You look like Rapunzel!" Thea exclaimed, and Taylor laughed. She was worried that something was wrong, that Thea had changed her mind at that she didn't want to go anymore.
Taylor glanced at herself in the mirror and gave a breathy laugh when she realised that she did, look slightly like the Disney princess.
Taylor couldn't stop biting her lip the entire way there.
"It might be a little loud when we get there," Taylor told Thea with a small smile.
"Mommy, you've told me that a trillion zillion million times!" Thea laughed.
Joe laughed from the front seat.
"It's not funny!" Taylor said - but she couldn't help but laugh too.
"It's going to be fine, my love," Joe told her as he turned to look at her, giving her a reassuring smile. "You're going to be fine, aren't you Theabear?"
"I'm going to make so many friends!" Thea smiled, looking at her mother. "Mommy I can't wait!" Taylor wanted that to be enough to help her real, but it wasn't. She just wanted this to be over with. What would it be like? Taylor thought that her head might explode with how worried she was.
And then, it was time to get out of the car. Taylor closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. She could already see the crowd, could already see the camera's that were ready to take their photos.
Taylor had already made Joe plan out how they were going to do this, and she'd made a step by step plan. Joe and Taylor were both going to get out of the car first, because that's all they were expecting. No one was expecting Thea to be there with them, which was a good thing.
Joe got out of the car, and the crowds went wild.
"Mommy will come and get you in a second, alright?" Taylor promised her daughter, and Thea looked up at her. Taylor could see how excited she was, but that only made her feel worse that she'd never let her out in public like this before now. Because already, Thea was loving it.
"Okay, Mommy!" Thea clapped her hands, and Taylor took a deep breath before she opened the door and stepped out into the light.
There weren't as many cameras as she'd been expecting, there weren't even as many people as she'd been expecting, but that was a good thing. She slipped around the side of the car, the camera's still not getting a clear view of her because Thea's door open.
"Are you ready?" Taylor asked her with a smile. Thea was smiling so wide that Taylor couldn't help but feel a lot of her fear slip away. Maybe Joe was right, as he so often was. Maybe Thea would like it. Maybe she'd love smiling and waving for the cameras, making friends with everyone.
"Yes!" Thea wriggled, and Taylor took a deep breath, helping her out of the car.
Taylor took her hand and looked around for Joe. He was standing a metre away, waving at the crowd that had gathered.
"Remember that if it gets too loud, you're allowed to come back to the car, and Mommy and Daddy will take you home and we'll get ice cream and-"
"I love it, Mommy!" Thea pushed past Taylor and ran over to Joe, the camera's flashing and the crowds going wild.
Taylor couldn't help but smile as Joe bent down to Thea's height, tickling her chin.
The paparazzi weren't yelling now that they knew Thea was there, and all Taylor could hear were the crowds sighing with 'Awwws' and gasps.
Taylor shut the car door, before going and standing with Joe.
Thea was beaming, she was waving at all the camera's, at everyone behind the cameras and all of the fans that were waiting to the sides of them. She was a natural.
"She gets it from you, you know," Joe murmured in her ear as he wrapped an arm around her waist. "She shines just like you."
"Do I still get ice cream?" Thea asked Joe as they were taking photos in front of his star.
Joe laughed. Thea had well and truly stolen the show - and he wouldn't have it any other way.
"Of course you can," He grinned.
"What are you two talking about?" Taylor asked them with a smile. She'd finally realised that it was all going to be okay. There was enough security there to protect them, and the paparazzi weren't doing or saying anything rude, and they weren't bringing up Taylor's past in front of Thea, which she was so relieved by.
"Daddy says we're gonna get ice cream!" Thea exclaimed, excitedly jumping up and down. Even something as simple as that sent the crowd into sighs and laughs from the cuteness.
"Oh, does he now?" Taylor smiled.
"Yup! And I'm gonna have cookie flavour!" Thea told her mother, wrapping her arms around Taylor's legs. She couldn't stop smiling, because Thea seemed genuinely happy. They'd been here for a while, and she could tell that Thea was starting to get tired.
So, they said their goodbyes to the fans, to the cameras, and Taylor had to pull Thea away. She kept trying to say goodbye to every single person individually. She kept trying to ask everyone to be friends with her, kept trying to ask them all who their favourite Disney princesses were, and whether they liked Sven or Olaf better. It was cute, but if Thea had her way, they'd have to stay there for hours saying goodbye to everyone.
But eventually, with the promise of some cookies and cream ice cream, Taylor and Joe were able to convince Thea to say goodbye.
"That was fun!" Thea told Joe as he helped her into the car.
Taylor smiled when she heard that, and felt a huge weight lift off of her chest. Maybe it was going to be alright. Even though she couldn't stop thinking about all of those words that her father had told her. Couldn't stop thinking that maybe... maybe this was the kind of thing that her daughter shouldn't have to get used to. That it was wrong that they'd expected her to have to. Even though Thea seemed happy, and was singing Let It Go the entire way home, she just couldn't let those thoughts go. And she wished that she could... because they were the sorts of thoughts that got into her head within seconds, and she had to spend hours trying to get rid of them again. They were like weeds. Her mind was a garden, and once they had taken root in it, she couldn't get rid of them. They were Dracula thoughts. Vampires, doing whatever they can to hide from the sunlight. Sometimes, stopping her from seeing the sunlight too. And she hated those thoughts and wished so badly that she didn't know them like the palm of her hand. She wished that she didn't know them at all, that they'd never even come out of her father's mouth. They hurt because she knew that there was truth in them. They hurt because she knew that, she knew that and it worried her. It made her stressed that Thea would never have peace like that. She'd been living with these feelings for so long, and she felt guilty that she and Joe were even considering bringing another child into their lives. They loved Thea, and they wanted my children; Taylor knew that she wanted more children. She just didn't know how she was going to cope with the stress of it all - with that feeling that was knawing constantly in the back of her head. Even though Thea seemed so happy, and she seemed excited that she'd finally been able to do something like this, Taylor felt so unbelievably guilty that she couldn't take her to the mall, to the park, to buy ice cream... and yet she was expecting her to stand in front of a hundred cameras and smile?
"Taylor," Joe turned to face her in the car. "Love, look at me. You're biting your lip again," He told her softly as he reached back to take her hand. "Are you being kind to yourself?"
Taylor looked at him with a sad smile, one that said that she wasn't. Joe squeezed her hand, smiling, before asking her what flavour of ice cream she wanted. Taylor smiled, her mind relaxing. Joe was right. She needed to be kind to herself, and she didn't know what she'd do if he wasn't there to remind her of it.