(A/n: if in the Ocean's movie universe Taylor Swift, Heidi, Leo etc exist, then Sandra Bullock exists too. Also, in O12, Tess (Julia Roberts) and Julia Roberts existed simultaneously. On Linus's request, Tess pretended to be Julia Roberts and got busted, thereby ending up in jail (Those who are confused, watch the movie. The scene is hilarious. The only saving grace of that movie). So, Sandra Bullock and her lookalike Debbie Ocean can exist in same universe! 😂. And Lou can definitely be fangirling over Sandra)
******************
Debbie was still thinking and being angry on Julia when Lou returned. She had a big grin plastered on her face. Debbie recognised the grin. It was the one she usually saw when Lou did or saw something mischievous and definitely scandalous.
"Okay, what did you do?", Debbie asked even before Lou could speak.
Lou smirked. "Well, someone is getting a lot of action these days"
"What?"
"Mrs Elizabeth Christine Black, wife of the great Jonathan Marshall Black is currently getting screwed by her hot Spanish butler. Not at all Christian of her. She can now stop preaching half-Jewish granddaughter of hers to be Christian... Or her granddaughter's ever so faithful and Catholic by birth, agnostic by nature super hot Aussie wife"
"What? What the fuck?", Debbie was furious. "Lou, I told you not to joke about gammy's sanity or her religious beliefs"
"I'm not joking. I am speaking the truth", Lou said, laughing. "Your gammy is getting ploughed by Jack Francis in this Hawaiian island. I was planning to make you moan to get rid of her, but boy, she moans louder than you! Impressive for an old woman"
"What the fuck are you talking? Lou, don't disrespect Gammy"
"Woah there, your gammy and Francis are having the time of their life in the guesthouse next to us. I am not disrespecting. If anything, I am actually applauding her loudness"
"Lou, don't you dare"
"I'm not lying, Ocean. Your gammy and Francis are really fucking. And I must say, for an 87-year-old, she is pretty loud"
"What nonsense"
"I heard them fucking, Ocean. With my own ears. And you know very well I am deaf. If I am to hear, just imagine how loud your gammy is being", Lou laughed again.
"Fuck you, Miller. Stop degrading gammy. She will never do that. And she never fucked anyone"
"Really Ocean? Did your mum drop from sky onto gammy's lap? Or you really believe in storks delivering babies or god magically putting baby inside the womb?"
"What the... I meant she practices celibacy since grandpa's death"
"Oh c'mon, she has her old lover Francis at her home. You think they don't do anything? And fuck! I just heard them. Their moans are echoing and is reaching our house. Listen carefully"
"Stop the fucking..."
"Shh, listen", Lou said, silencing. She really was enjoying this.
Debbie angrily looked at Lou. But she couldn't deny the fact that she could hear faint moans.
"Wh- What the fuck! What was that?"
"It's your gammy screwing her celibacy"
Debbie angrily stared at Lou but Lou didn't care.
"No, this can't be true"
"Oh baby, it's definitely true", Lou laughed. "Damn! At least someone is getting action"
"No, this can't be happening. Gammy can't fuck others. No, she can't. She fucking married grandpa. She can't fuck others. No"
Saying so, Debbie rushed outside the guesthouse and Lou ran behind her to stop.
"Debbie wait, don't go there", Lou tried to stop but Debbie didn't listen. She just went to gammy's guesthouse, pushed the unlocked main door (really, couldn't they AT least fucking lock the door?), and then barged inside the bedroom while Lou tried to pull her outside.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?", Debbie yelled as she opened the bedroom door. But soon, her face turned red, embarrassed as well as shocked. Lou who entered the room saw what was going on.
Lou couldn't stop laughing and she laughed, walking out of the room because obviously she isn't interested in watching naked people. Debbie stood however because she was confused.
"What the hell? Who are you?"
A man in his late 20s, naked and definitely disturbed by Debbie, asked. A girl of around same age, naked, was in bed, looking furiously at Debbie. There were three cameras shooting their performance from three different angles around the bed (thankfully away from the door where Debbie was standing).
Debbie didn't know what to say. Really! She expected her gammy and Francis. But this was some other couple! There was a 28 something year old couple in gammy's bedroom, fucking, worse, making a sex-tape.
"Wh... Who are you?", Debbie asked, trying to look everywhere except the naked people in front of her. "Where is my gammy?"
"Who the hell are you bitch? And how dare you enter our guesthouse and...", the man arrogantly spoke to Debbie.
"Woah, hold on Mr. Sildenafil", Lou yelled from outside and stopped the man but he didn't understand what she said. Well, even Debbie and that girl looked at Lou who was walking inside, with her hands covering the eyes.
Lou rolled her eyes while still covered with her palm. She knew the silence. It's the silence of idiots being idiots. "Viagra. Really, you guys are idiots. Anyway, mind your words, junkie. Dare you raise your voice in front of Debbie and I'll break your chemically standing junk and no amount of Sildenafil will fucking help", she said, warning the guy. It was funny to see Lou covering her eyes and warning some muscular dude.
"How dare..."
"One kick from my metal tipped shoe and your already-ruined family jewels, thanks to steroids, will... Boom", Lou gestured the mushroom cloud blast in one hand. "If the illegally obtained steroids haven't taken away your baby-making ability, my shoes will definitely take"
The guy for a second covered his parts and Debbie was trying to control her laughter. Also, she so badly wanted to laugh at Lou covering her eyes to avoid naked people. The girl was still looking at them blankly.
"Now that the ground rules are established, why don't we speak with decency?", Lou said and turned around, still with eyes covered, giving them time to dress up. Debbie turned too.
"What you guys need?", the girl finally asked, now dressed.
"We came to meet someone we know who was in this guesthouse", Debbie said.
"Whoever you came to meet here, they aren't present. We booked an hour ago and we were told this was vacant"
"An hour ago?", Debbie rhetorically spoke.
"Yup"
"But..."
"I guess that's enough information for us. Thanks", Lou said and pulled Debbie with her, rushing outside the door.
*********
The walk back to their guesthouse was filled with silence for probably 30 seconds before Lou lost self-control and laughed. She was hysterical to be honest. Debbie was embarrassed by the whole situation and was trying her best to ignore whole world around her. But well, Lou won't let her ignore.
"That was the worst ever mishap in your life", Lou said and laughed again. "And the way you walked in", continued laughing. "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?", Lou mimicked Debbie with perfect American accent. "Your face was worth watching"
"Fuck you. And... You didn't watch anything. So, shut your mouth"
No use. Lou was laughing. And somewhere Debbie too was finding everything funny.
"But you know what, hypothetically speaking, what if those two were actually your gammy and Francis?", Lou laughed again.
"Lou, my gammy won't fuck Jack. Stop"
"C'mon imagine. Just imagine they consumed some fucking shrooms that gave their youth back and are fucking there, living their passionate love life again, this time in 21st century. And to avoid any scandal they pretended to be someone else in front of us. Steroid junkie Mr Sildenafil Francis and hot and sexy Elizabeth Black with blonde hair surprisingly"
"Fuck you. And fuck you again. Also, you fucking closed your eyes. You are so fucking conservative. You are regressive. You are so fucking retrograde, old fashioned and... And... Yeah you are old styled and your mindset is old"
"Your dig on my barely existing conservative behaviour won't help here woman. This is my time to pull your leg. No amount of my negligible conservatism can help you here. Also, I don't like to see other people's dick and cunt if I am not fucking them. I mean, why will I see ugly things anyway if I am not getting any fun out of it. Also, unlike you, I don't like to see naked people fucking, may it be on screen or in real life. I have far more better things to do"
"Fuck off", Debbie said and gently hit Lou's bicep.
"Ouch! That hurts"
"Well, I'll hurt you more if you degrade gammy again, weakling"
"C'mon, I called her sexy"
"You are disrespecting"
"Sexy is disrespecting? Okay then, your gammy is not at all sexy. She is plain bland and boring. She is Dorothy, not Blanche. She is not even sweet girl-next-door type"
"How dare you!"
"Woman are you on periods? You don't want me to compliment her. You also don't want me to degrade her"
"Sexist! When you can't counter, you get the periods bullshit. Your misogyny is showing..."
"What the... Are you listening to what you are speaking?", Lou laughed.
"Fuck you. Also, don't you try to degrade gammy. Just be neutral, bitch"
"Fine, bitch"
Debbie rolled her eyes. They were standing outside their guesthouse still. Debbie almost opened the door when Lou laughed again.
"You know what, I have another imagination. What if you walked in and saw that junkie fucking your not-sexy 87 year old gammy? Just imagine"
"Ewwww Lou Miller, I swear to god...", Debbie was about to punch Lou's shoulder when Lou laughed and ran. Debbie chased her, Lou ran, still laughing. Debbie was laughing too. They ran around the tiny patch of garden and then Lou ran to the now open door. Debbie followed her. Their fun totally had them ignore or well not see Julia who was planning to talk to Lou and as usual, try to manipulate. She saw the door open and walked in. She saw Lou and Debbie running around. She rolled her eyes but didn't go away; instead she decided to spy on them. She was after all planning to break the lovebirds. She thought of hiding behind the fancy table with the vase and interrupt them at right time.
After few more minutes of running around, tired and needing a break, Lou sat on the couch.
"Okay, I need to breath", she said, heaving. Debbie sat next to her, well partly on her. Both were having silly mischievous smile. Julia who was having clear visual of them, rolled her eyes again. But still continued observing.
Lou and Debbie obviously were not focusing on the front door. They were too busy enjoying their vicinity.
"We are not kids to run around", Debbie said.
"Yeah, you are old"
"Fuck you. You aren't young"
"Younger than you though. You babysat Jesus!"
Debbie pinched Lou's waist and Lou let out a funny shriek. "Okay, that's breaking the rules. You can't go to my waist. Stay at punching my arms, thereby ruining whatever little biceps I have"
"Nah, I like your waist better", saying so, Debbie pinched her again.
"Ouch, you evil... villainess. Those crazy ones who are always troubling the innocent princess"
"Are you referring to yourself as a princess? You are more like those stepmothers of Disney's fairy fucking stories"
"Fairy fucking stories? Is that the latest porn you watched? You can't stay without watching porn?"
"Idiot. I didn't watch. At least not in last couple of months. Also, what do you know about porn anyway Miss I-am-conservative-as-hell? You consider it as sin"
"Not watching porn doesn't make someone conservative. And I am not a conservative whatever bullshit you label people like me. I am a regular person who stays within own boundaries. I don't need to watch porn to be modern"
"Oh you are conservative, retrograde, old fashioned with 19th century mindset. I mean, who the hell covers their eyes while threatening someone?"
"I covered my eyes because they were naked. You don't look at naked people. That's not courteous"
"You are so... Old styled. You should probably go back to your Victorian age. Or is it Elizabethan?"
"Fuck you. Also, Elizabethan? Are you speaking of great Queen Elizabeth the first or your grandmother who is retrograde as fuck!"
"My gammy is not retrograde. She accepted our gay marriage and she is funding our honeymoon. You are retrograde with your negative opinion on porn, not watching anyone naked and... Yeah, asking me to wear more clothes. Retro-conservative as fuck. Oh yeah, not to forget, the celibacy you are following for last seven... well, eight months! I mean, who does that!"
That gained Julia's attention. The most valuable information ever. Lou is celibate for seven... well, eight months now( seven years to be honest. But Debbie is misinformed, thereby resulting in Julia getting wrong info too)
Lou is celibate? What the... But... Aren't they married? Lou and Debbie are... For eight months? That's way before Debbie married her. Are they not having any physical relationship? This is... Fucking awesome!
Julia's evil brain started formulating, also preparing the list of questions and suspicions regarding Debbie, Lou and their marriage. She needed to find the truth and then use it for her benefit.
"I don't think any of that is retrograde or old", Lou said. "And celibacy has nothing to do with that"
"It is retrograde"
"Well, if your stupid brain thinks that way, then let it be"
"Fuck you. And I am the smartest"
"Well, smartest Ocean just got embarrassed in front of a young junkie couple", Lou laughed.
"Fuck you. Also, it's all on you. You fucking told me it was Gammy and Jack. You misguided me"
"It's not my fault you couldn't distinguish between your Gammy and that lady's voice"
"Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you. And you will never bring this whole fucking thing again. Never ever"
"Oh trust me, I will"
"You won't"
"I will"
"If you did, then I'll never speak to you"
"Achievement! I did something that men for centuries failed to do! I finally got the key to shut the wife up"
"Fuck you fuck you fuck you"
"Jazzie"
"What? What the... What's that?"
"Jack Francis and your gammy Lizzie Black. I know she hates the nickname Lizzie. But still, this ship needs Lizzie so as to make Jazzie"
Debbie didn't reply with words. Her punch on Lou's shoulder was enough. But Lou laughed. Really, Lou was crazy and finding weird ways to laugh at gammy's expense.
"Anyway, where is your Gammy?", Lou now spoke something useful.
"No idea. You think she returned back?"
"Or maybe she shifted to some other room or guesthouse? Maybe she got the hint that we know her presence and so, shifted?"
"Uhm... I don't think so. For past few days, though she is spying on us, her words aren't harsh on you. Now when she speaks of you with Jack she speaks with certain degree of respect"
"That's true but... It's your Gammy we are speaking of. She hates me"
"What if we call her?"
"Now?"
"Yeah. If she is travelling she won't receive. Else she will. We can have video call and thereby see her surroundings"
"What if she is here and doesn't receive our call?"
"How about we ask Nine to check the hotel registration?"
"That's a good idea. Call her"
And Debbie called Nine and asked to track her Gammy. While Nine began working (after Lou offered extra tips in the form of Balkan Vodka), Lou and Debbie waited, Lou's hands wrapped around Debbie. They sat in silence enjoying their closeness. Within ten minutes Nine reported. Turns out, Gammy actually checked out and is on her way back to NJ.
"Wow, did she believe our drama?", Lou asked.
"Maybe", Debbie said, not really happy with the word drama
What drama?, Julia was confused.
"So, now I can openly flirt with others and you can suck it"
"You fucking...", Debbie said, pinching Lou. "You want to flirt with others? Don't forget, you are my wife. You are so fucking bad"
"I fuck awesomely. These are very talented", Lou said, wiggling her fingers in air.
"Dirty mind Miller. Also, what happened to your celibacy now?", Debbie asked, shifting so as to snuggle closer.
"Dirty? You're no Saint. And I am celibate, not dead. Just because I am not fucking anyone doesn't mean I can't speak of my talent. And if you get my grade sheet from my past flings, you'll see 5 out of 5 stars for my performance", Lou tried to wink but failed.
Debbie rolled her eyes. "Bullshit performance. Also, don't you have anything else to do now? Maybe read unreadable books or look at Nat Geo videos on YouTube? Or anything else you always do?"
"Well, what can I do? You won't let me do anything"
This statement got Julia's attention again. She waited for more now.
"Excuse me?", Debbie raised her eyebrow. "If you want me to fuck you so as to break your stupid celibacy, then all you have to do is ask"
"So that you can punch my beautiful face? No thank you. I love my face very much"
What's going on? Celibacy and Lou sounds kinda... unbelievable. But these two are flirting so much. Also, Why will Debbie punch Lou's face if she needs sex? Are they roleplaying? Is Lou celibate in that role? Also, the reality show they participated had... They were so fucking in so-called love. What happened now? Are they actually married?
"Also, I didn't mean sex when I said you won't let me do anything. I meant swimming. You know how fucking much I love swimming"
"You should've thought that before getting the tattoo"
Oh yeah, Lou has tattoo of Debbie. Why will she tattoo Debbie's face?
"Tattoo is already old and fading. I can swim"
"You get any reactions because of saltwater and I'll kill you"
"Aren't you already killing my soul everyday by keeping me away from Ocean?"
"Aren't you happy with one Ocean? Why do you need another?"
Okay, that's clear indication that they are flirting. Then how the hell Lou is celibate?
Julia's mind was busy figuring out this complicated puzzle, but didn't fail to cringe at Debbie's cheesy statement.
"The last time I checked, you were human and not water that I can dive and swim. You don't have whales and sharks swimming in you, nor you are hiding treasures. And you aren't capable of soaking my clothes or wetting me. So, you don't qualify as Ocean though your ridiculous family decided to go by that last name", Lou said, without thinking about her words. Her dork brain sometimes does that. (Most of the time)
Debbie raised her eyebrow. "You really think I can't soak your pants and get you wet?", she smirked.
"Yeah. You are human with bones and muscles. Not water. Although, human body has 90% water. But that doesn't count and..."
Really, Debbie felt like smacking Lou's head. How the hell can she be so dorky and clueless? Even Julia facepalmed.
"Idiot. You fucking took away the gravitas of my counter"
"Uh? I don't understand"
"Well, you won't understand too. You are an idiot"
"I would like to remind you that I have more education than you"
"You didn't go to college. Neither did I. So, nope. You don't have. And I fucking don't consider your interest on unreadable books educational. No one is interested in dream psychology or how astral projections work"
"Almost thousands of scientists and enthusiasts will disagree"
"But millions of people agree", Debbie smirked.
"Bullshit. It's just your opinion. Not millions of people"
"You know you once described me as one in a million. So, I am sure my opinion matters"
"I didn't describe you as one in a million. I said the original whom you are a copy of, Sandra Bullock is one in a million, which she rightfully is. She is one in a Million, actually billion. No, trillion... zillion. She is just... One and only. No one can be her, no matter how much they copy her, or in your case, how much you try to outshine her with your 'original' style which just happens to be Sandra Bullock's regular normal style"
Debbie rolled her eyes. "I have better legs"
"She has better everything. And she is also super rich and the money is legit. Not from conning"
"You can't swoon on others, Miller. Did you forget that you are married? To me? The most beautiful, glamorous and hottest girl in your life?"
"You don't know the girls I went out with. So, you can't technically call yourself the most glamorous blah blah of my life. Also, you can't hold a candle to my true love Sandra. She is the lady of extreme beauty, glamour, hotness, strength and smartness. If there is anyone for whom I will divorce you, it is THE Sandra Bullock; Queen of America. Actually she can be president of your nation. Actually, your nation is not really great. She can instead be the president of my country. She will be welcomed by Aussies. You know what, she can be president of entire world and I will happily follow her"
"Talk about divorce again and I will drown you in our bathtub. Also, I don't need to know about your past flings to compare my beauty with them. I know for the fact that I am the most glamorous, beautiful, hottest and strongest girl in your life. And Sandra should not be counted. She looks like me..."
"You look like her. She was born earlier"
"Whatever. I am the only glamorous, beautiful , hottest, strongest girl in your life"
"Really now? How do you know?", Lou asked sarcastically.
"Because I am the most glamorous..."
"Okay, you repeat that description again and I will fall asleep"
"Listen, idiot. I am the most glamorous, beautiful, strongest and hottest girl in the entire world. So, you cannot possibly have anyone better than me. Not even that Hollywood copy of mine"
"And I thought Oceans couldn't be more self-centred! You are so fucking self-centred. Also, again, you are Sandra's copy. She is the original"
"It's not self-centred if it is a fact. And I don't care who is the original, I am better"
"God, you are so full of yourself"
"I definitely am", Debbie smirked. "And you should be thankful that I, self-centred and egoistic person, care for you and have you as my best friend and now as wife. Does your Sandra care for you? She fucking don't even know you exist. No amount of your swooning and drooling will make your existence known to her. I am the one who knows your existence and acknowledge you"
"I'm very humbled, your majesty", Lou said sarcastically.
"You should be. I am not less than that English Queen you and your nation is entitled to"
Lou rolled her eyes. "Elizabeth is Queen of England. You are Queen of bullshit"
"Apologise. You can't talk to your Queen with disrespect"
Outside, Julia rolled her eyes for thousandth time now. This cheesy banter wasn't something she was interested in.
"Fuck you, bitchy Ocean"
"Again, where is the discipline?"
Lou showed middle finger.
"Louise Miller, if you don't behave well, then I'll have to discipline you"
"You are the one who needs disciplining, Jailbird"
"Behave well or else I'll spank you to discipline"
Lou laughed. "You and spanking? I'll break your arm before you even get your skinny stick-like hand near me"
"You are challenging, Miller. And my arms aren't skinny. They are strong, muscular..."
Lou raised her eyebrow.
"In feminine way. Feminine muscular strength and fitness. So, don't think of challenging me. I will spank you"
"You can't and I am stating the fact. If you think you can control me in any way..."
"I control you in every way. That's given"
"You aren't controlling me. I feel pity on you and therefore, do whatever you ask"
"Pity? Take that back"
"Nope", Lou smirked.
"This is your last chance, Lou. Take it back"
"I won't. What can an Orc like you can do to me, the high elf of Noldor"
"What? What the... Whatever nerd stuff you just said, I don't want to dwell into it. Also, I don't fucking care who you are in your imagination. Take your words back, else...", Debbie said with a smirk.
"What can a weak skinny half-american half-german Orc do to a mighty powerful and magical elf"
"Well, you asked for it"
And before Lou knew, Debbie was on tickle-attack mode, started tickling Lou. Lou being sensitive was trying her best to stop her. Debbie was laughing and tickling her, and at one point she pushed Lou backwards onto the couch and straddled her. Outside, Julia rolled her eyes AGAIN!
"Surrender"
"Nope"
And Lou had to tolerate more tickles. Really, being as sensitive as Lou, it's hard to tolerate. Also, when it comes to Debbie, Lou doesn't have any physical limitations. Debbie can tickle her anywhere and she could do the same to Debbie.
"Surrender?", Debbie asked, breathing heavily. She was still straddling Lou, her thighs firmly bracketing Lou's.
"Nope", Lou was heaving too.
"Surrender or I'll kiss you and you'll moan. Maybe louder than that bitch in the other guesthouse"
"I won't surrender. You can't do anything Orc"
"Well, you asked for it"
And Debbie kissed Lou's neck and as expected there was moan. Not louder, but there was.
Debbie smirked. Somewhere she felt wrong too, kissing Lou because she wants to kiss, but calling it as some kind of competition of who makes the other moan. Somewhere Lou felt wrong too. This kissing and everything... It's just... Is she tricking Debbie to get kiss? Is she disrespecting their comfort and thereby taking advantage of clueless Debbie? They probably shouldn't think much, or maybe they should, but just say it out loud and settle. But they didn't do any of that.
Outside, Julia found this kissing strange.
But Lou is celibate right? Why is Debbie kissing? And why is Lou casual about that? There is something unseen or hidden
"You know, for someone who has the reputation of not moaning, you are quite loud. Counting the past evidence of your moans due to my talent, I will say too loud"
"Fuck you"
"You'll moan louder if we fuck"
Lou rolled her eyes. "Be thankful that the couch is restricting my movements. Else by now you would be under me and also under my mercy"
"Blah blah blah. Lou Miller, only talks no work"
"Did you forget you orgasmed barely because of the presence of my face in the vicinity of your lady part? If you've forgotten, my hairstyle is here to remind you that"
"I didn't orgasm. And you are not responsible for my reactions"
"Okay, almost orgasmed. But I definitely am responsible for the reaction that happened in your pants. A minute of delay by Constance in bringing the scissors and you would definitely climax. And the funny part, I barely would've done anything. Just my cute chin on your... Well, just above the Ocean's treasure"
What? What's going on? Is Lou celibate or not? Is Debbie and Lou just faking or are actually having non-sexual relationship? I fucking need to know this
"Fuck you. And I am pretty sure you were horny too. I can bet that. 100 million dollars, you were horny whenever I kissed or marked you"
"You have no proof on that. But I have definite proof, both living and non-living proof of you being wet for me; living proof being Lou Miller as in myself and non-living proof being that discarded pants of yours", Lou smirked. "Debbie Ocean being an Ocean for 10 straight... Or should I say gay minutes just because of my presence. Now that's what is called Lou Miller's supremacy"
"Fuck you. Also, you didn't do that"
"Oh baby, I definitely did that", Lou smirked. "I could feel everything, you know, everything despite having two layers of clothing between my chin and your sensitive land-down-under. Dad always said Millers can stir sensation in land down under. He referred to my country and how we Millers thrived by building successful business world of our own. But really, I can stir sensation in your land down under", Lou smirked.
"No, you... Fuck you! You know what, one day I will make sure you'll experience the same. You know, our roles will be reversed and you would be under my mercy. And I will definitely tease you to death. Also, knowing you, you might be too horny and ask me to fuck. I will definitely tease you to death before feeling pity on you and maybe... Fuck you", Debbie said, careful not to be overwhelmed by her own words.
"But it won't be the same. What happened that day was purely accidental. If you are planning to recreate the situation then it won't be accidental. And so, the impact of the situation will be different. You are planning to win. So, there are strategies involved. But last time it was all accidental and was purely my unprepared self that made you so horny. Which clearly implies I am definitely better", Lou smirked. "Unless you do the same in accidental situation you can't win"
"Well, then I will create an accidental situation"
"Then it will be planned. Not accidental"
"I can create situation and still have it purely accidental. I am Debbie Ocean. I can do anything. Do not underestimate me. I can fucking do everything", Debbie said, head held high with pride. "I can even end your Celibacy in a minute if I want to".
Lou chuckled at Debbie's stubbornness.
"You definitely can do everything and win", Lou said. "Well... except cooking tasty meals. You can do anything. You are after all, Ocean. You might create completely acceptable accidental situation, which definitely is not possible for others, and might end my seven years of celibacy. You are criminally smart, I must agree", Lou laughed with sarcasm and Debbie rolled her eyes.
Did Lou say seven years?, Again Julia was alert.
"Yeah. I will. I am that powerful. And you should hail my glory. Anyway, seriously, I still don't know how you could not fuck anyone for seven years and... Wait what? Seven years? Years?"
Fuck
"Debbie... I..."
"Lou, years? Or months? Baby, tell me", Debbie was looking at Lou expecting truth. She had suddenly changed her tone from mischief to concern.
"... I... Debbie, I... Years", Lou said, sighing.
"I thought months", Debbie exclaimed, not expecting this from Lou. She got off of Lou and sat on the couch. She was now serious.
"Uh months, years what does it matter", Lou tried to dismiss.
"It matters! Baby, what the fuck! Seven fucking years! Are you nuts?"
"No. I just... Didn't feel like"
"Didn't feel like? Baby... What the... Wait, are you planning to be a nun? Did you have that so-called god's calling? Baby, please don't do this. You are my mischievous Lou. I can't see your wearing that whatever uniform those women wear. Also, it definitely won't suit you"
"Baby, I am not being a nun. And there isn't any calling or anything. I just... Didn't feel the need to have sex"
"For seven fucking years? Are you fucking serious? Or... Wait, baby are you ill? Do you have any condition? Baby are you diabetic? Or are you having any kind of neural degeneration that is leading to this lack of sexual urge? Oh baby... You know what, let's go to the doctor's. We will consult the best doctor ever and..."
"Debbie, I don't have any medical condition"
"Then why the fuck are you celibate for seven fucking years? SEVEN FUCKING YEARS!", Debbie wasn't able to control her emotions. She was walking to and fro, worry clearly written on her face. Also, disappointment, but she hid that skillfully.
"Because..."
Because I love you and I can't even imagine anyone else. I want to stay loyal to you and my love for you
"Because? What Lou?"
"Because... I didn't feel like"
"Lou"
"C'mon what difference it makes anyway? It doesn't matter Debbie. Also, I am having my friends with whom I have fun..."
"You don't fuck your friends. You are depriving your body of basic need"
"Sex isn't basic need, Debbie"
"It is"
"Maybe for you. But not for me"
"What the... Are you my same Lou? Baby... what the hell happened to you? I... Lou, please don't ruin your life with these stupidity. How can you of all people can go without sex? That too for seven fucking years! Seven years... Seven... That's... That's even before I went to Claude. And I didn't even fucking know what you were doing? I fucking am the worst friend ever. I should've known and stopped you. And... I didn't. I fucking...", Debbie was anxious, sad and worried. Worried for Lou obviously.
"Baby, it's not like that", Lou pulled Debbie down to sit on the couch again and wrapped an arm around her. "I really don't want to sleep with any girl, Debbie"
"Any girl? Are you fine with boy? It's okay if you are sticking to one orientation. No one will say anything. Baby, just don't ruin your life with such decisions"
Debbie just wanted Lou to get back in game.
Did Debbie just say Lou can fuck dudes? Also, what the hell is happening here? I really need to know
Julia was as confused as Debbie. She wasn't understanding anything.
"Debbie, really I am fine. I don't need sex or anything when I have you with me. I am the happiest with you"
"That's not fucking same, Lou. Being with me enjoying life is not the same as you not having sex"
"Okay, the way you said, that crapped every meaning I intended. I meant, I don't need happiness from sex. I can have happiness in so many ways. And my greatest happiness is when I am with you. It is greater than the happiness I get from fucking"
"But Lou, that's not... It's so... Lou, are you... Wait, are you having crisis in life? Are you emotionally broke? Are you... Baby, what's happening with you?"
"Debbie I am absolutely fine"
"No you are not. You fucking are not! Lou, please tell me what's going on with you. Why are you... Baby, are you... Wait, you aren't in depression right? Oh my god! Baby, I neglected you so much that I didn't even realise you were in depression? Shit! I am a bad friend. I didn't even realise... I... Shit shit shit! I caused this. I... Broke you and..."
"Hey, hey baby", Lou caught Debbie's hands to stop her from being anxious. "You didn't cause anything. And I am not in depression. I just don't want to fuck random people out there. That's all"
"But... That doesn't make any sense. No one can just stop having sex unless for religious or medical reasons! This fucking doesn't make sense"
"Baby, it does. And I am very clear of what I am doing. I don't want meaningless sex life, hon. And so, I decided to not involve with anyone for a night or have meaningless flings. And more so, I was too busy with my club. I wouldn't even get time to do anything or get involved in anything. I needed to earn money and so, my focus was on earning. My sex life wasn't my priority and I didn't feel a loss"
"But Lou... Now you don't have to be busy 24*7. You can do anything. And satisfying bodily pleasure is not wrong. And you are a playboy or playgirl as you call. You know beforehand that your fun is limited only to fun. Baby..."
"Debbie, hon, I didn't think I needed that playboy life anymore. That's why I changed"
"But... Even if you don't want to be a playboy, you can have sex right? Honey, why are you... And seven years! That's too much"
"Baby, trust me, I am fine. I am really fine. You are worrying for no reason at all"
"But you..."
"I am fine baby. And if I am not, then I will tell you"
Debbie wasn't convinced. But for now she decided to accept Lou's words.
"How much longer are you planning to be celibate?"
"I don't know"
"What? But... Lou, please tell me what's going on with you. I am your best friend. You can tell me anything without being judged. I can help you to the best of my abilities. Baby, I am here for you"
Lou smiled. "I know. I know you are there for me and I am counting on that. And don't think I am depressed or having nervous disorders or anything. I am all fine, baby. I willingly am celibate"
Debbie looked at Lou, too confused and not really able to cope up with the information. For two different reasons. One, her best friend has taken such horrifying decision and she can't do anything about it. Second, her lover has decided to be celibate. That's... Not something you can tolerate. The dream of having a fun and happiness filled married life with Lou cannot be achieved. Debbie now has realised the distinction between romance and sex, love and lust, the importance of relationship, marriage etc, but that doesn't mean sex and lust can be eliminated from the equation. And that's what is happening now.
Julia on the other hand was confused but she wasn't worried. She was planning to use this to her advantage.
"Baby...", Debbie tried again.
Lou just smiled. "Trust me Debbie, I am fine. Now, get up. I have a plan for today. C'mon", Lou stood and held her hand in front of Debbie. Debbie knew Lou was trying to divert.
"Baby..."
"Debbie please?", Lou asked, with too much of emotions. Also, it meant please don't ask more about the issue.
Debbie sighed. "Fine. But if there is anything I can help with..."
"I am counting on you, trust me. If I need help in anyway, I will ask you"
"Promise? Don't unnecessarily suffer alone"
"Promise, baby. I won't be suffering. Now C'mon. I have a plan for us"
"What plans?"
Lou grinned. Debbie raised her eyebrow. Lou responded with one more grin. Their non-verbal communication went on for a minute or so, with Julia not understanding anything.
"I'll win", Debbie said, with a confidence of MET robbing Debbie Ocean.
"We'll see", Lou said with a smirk.
"Okay, let's do it. But first, I gotta take shower. I am sweating again. And you are taking too"
"Okay, let me lock the door"
That alerted Julia. She needed to get out before Debbie and Lou see her. She decided to stand before they both turned towards the door. That way it'll seem like she just walked in. And she did. She stood and pretended to walk in, while calling for Lou.
"Cate, sorry the door was open so I..."
Debbie and Lou looked at her. Debbie was instantly angry. Already she was worried because of Lou's seven years of Celibacy. Now what does this bitch wants?
"Yeah Julia?", Lou asked.
"Cate, I was planning to rest for whole day, you know to have a peaceful mind for myself. So, I thought of getting a book. And you have always been an avid reader. So I wanted to have some suggestions"
"Oh... Uh... Yeah... Um sure"
And Lou went on listing some books while Julia was looking at very angry Debbie Ocean and smirking. Debbie knew that Julia was up to something.
**********
So, Lou is celibate and is married to Debbie. Also, they are faking... drama to convince Elizabeth Black?
But why?
Something really is fishy. I got to figure this out. But how?
Also, why is Lou celibate for 7 years? How can she? And while being celibate, she agreed to marry Debbie? And Debbie knew her celibacy in vague way? Wait, she thought 7 months. So, Debbie wasn't aware of Lou entirely? Also, if Lou is celibate, then why Debbie and Lou pretend to be a sensual couple? Why are they so intimate with each other? Are they faking? What's real and what's not?
This sure is going to help me if I figure out what exactly is going on. I got to find out!
And so, Julia began plotting her plan.
********
Debbie and Lou were ready in colourful floral print shirts and white trousers. Lou's shirt had blue background with white flowers. Debbie had orange with white flowers, identical design as Lou's. Both had white hats and black shades, protection against the sun, and of course white shoes, black leather belt with obnoxious golden wolf head in the buckle, thanks to Lou. Minimal makeup and by the look of it, Lou definitely is wearing many layers of sunscreen. Also, Lou had her layers of chains, numerous rings and bracelets while Debbie kept it minimum, just one platinum chain given by Lou once upon a time and the bracelet which Lou gifted her recently. And not to forget the wedding band.
"Ready Miller? By the end of this day whoever has more money wins"
This was the conversation they had earlier with just looks and no words.
"What about wrist watch or gold?"
"Do we really need that?"
"I want to grow my collection, woman"
"Jesus! Fine then. Let's have them as separate categories. We will have winners in money, gold and watch. What say?"
"Uhm...", Lou had that look in her face that said calculating.
"Plans to chicken out Miller? Already accepted defeat? You should be, to be honest. You are competing against me, your mentor and boss"
"Hell no, I am going to win against you. Just wanted to know the rules. What kind of manipulation we can do to our targets? Just talk? Or are we using our old tricks? Seduction, flirtation, fake vomiting and poof, you are robbed"
"Talks and distractions, not sexual distractions though"
"Flirting?"
"Nope. Not allowed. You won't flirt with anyone"
"Why? Fear of failure?", Lou smirked.
"No. You are my wife. Also, you are celibate. You can't flirt with others"
"I don't think that's in any way related. I am celibate by my own accords. No religious thing involved. So, I can flirt, do anything I want as long as I don't fuck anyone"
"Well, still, no flirting. I am your wife and whatever flirtatious behaviour you want to display, do it with me"
"C'mon, you are limiting my menu. I can't have Debbie Ocean every day"
"You aren't eating the available Debbie Ocean, both literally and figuratively. Then why the fuck do you even need a menu full of girls whom you won't be having sex with?"
"Wow, I didn't think you could say that. Nice. You are getting smart. Also, eating Debbie Ocean. You are going to hear this for the rest of your life"
"Whatever. I am always smart. Now, get ready. We will be walking together. Pick a side. You won't steal from my side of targets"
"Well... I am your right hand, so right"
"Okay then. Let's go"
And Debbie and Lou walked towards the crowded street filled with rich tourists.
Far from them, Julia was watching. She couldn't hear a word but she wanted to spy on them.
*********
While Lou and Debbie were having their silly competition, Julia was watching them, and simultaneously watching the episodes of the couple's competition that Debbie and Lou participated, on her mobile phone. A month ago, she had watched not so interestingly because Helen was discussing every single thing with her regarding the competition. Helen was too excited to see her daughter having a wonderful life and was leaving no stones unturned in enjoying, calculating and guessing the events of episodes. And when the ultimate boss is crazy about the show, being an employee, even if a CEO, Julia had to pretend to enjoy the show.
But now, she was watching with a purpose. She wanted to know the timeline of Debbie and Lou's relationship as disclosed by the contest. She also wanted to study everything about their relationship displayed there and find out whether they were acting or not. Well, she was 90% convinced that they were acting.
While watching the episodes and also watching the ladies, her focus split and therefore couldn't figure out the pickpocketing going on. Well, even if she focuses, she cannot figure out; Debbie and Lou were masters in their art and no one could see what they were doing.
*********
Debbie wasn't focusing much on their silly competition. She was more worried for Lou, and therefore spent most of the time looking at her. Though she dropped the issue of Lou's celibacy earlier, she was really worried. She was feeling anxious and there was fear inside her regarding Lou's mental health. What's wrong with Lou that she decided to be celibate? And she has been, for seven years! Which implies Lou adapted celibacy at the age of 32. That's too early. Is she fed up of her life? Is something bothering her? Despite Lou's denial that she was not depressed, Debbie was worried.
"My fifth catch", Lou said, counting the money she just stole from a rich dude. She was so stealthy, the guy didn't realise when Lou took his wallet from back pocket and then placed it back after taking the money (she kept few bills though, you can say it as generosity)! Also, she took a credit card which she will soon ask Nine to make good use of it. That dude definitely was rich, what with 5 different credit cards and definitely the pure leather customised wallet.
Debbie didn't respond. She was thinking. She was so deep in her thinking, she didn't focus on her competition. She only took seven wallets as of now. (Yeah, she didn't focus and so, just seven. She is Debbie Ocean duh! She can pick the pockets even in her sleep!). She also didn't see Julia spying.
"You listening, Deborah Annette Ocean?"
"Debbie?", Lou now placed her arm around Debbie. That's when Debbie was back to reality.
"What?"
"You tell me. What's going on? You drifted"
"I...", Debbie sighed. "Come with me", saying so, Debbie caught Lou's hand and pulled her to nearby park bench. Lou looked at her and Debbie told her to sit. Lou obeyed. Debbie sat next to her. Julia, who was few seconds late to realise Debbie was taking Lou near the bench, rushed and sat just few feet away from it. She now could hear and see everything. Again, Debbie failed to notice because of lack of concentration on surroundings. Her guard was down, not a good sign to be honest.
"What? Tired? Happens to old ladies", Lou tried to joke.
"Are you really happy, baby?"
Lou looked at Debbie, confused. "W- what? Yes, I am. Why would you ask that?"
"Are you depressed?"
"Wait, is this about our earlier conversation? Baby, I told you I am happy and I am not depressed"
"Then why the fuck are you celibate?"
"Really? Are we repeating the whole convo again? I told you already, I am not interested"
"Lou, please. I am your best friend. And I worry for you. You can't just be celibate for seven fucking years! And you are still young. Seven fucking years. That says you became celibate at 32. That's not normal! Why Lou? Why did you decide that? Tell me, I won't change my mind on you, tell me what's the reason you took this decision? If you are planning to be a nun, then just tell me. Don't hide anything from me honey"
"I don't think nuns will take seven years of Celibacy and do nothing religiously valuable before getting themselves registered...? Is that what it is called? Registered? Enrolled? Anyway, they won't be around living the life I am living, before they don that clothing and be under the church"
"Then what the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you celibate? Is this religious? Or is this depression? Or mental disorder? You are not an asexual. Or are you? Did you become asexual? Is that how asexuality works?"
"I am not asexual, nor am I depressed. And I am not going to be a nun. I am too naughty and evil to be one"
"Then why, Lou? What's the reason?"
"I... Just am no longer into girls"
"Wh- what? Are you saying you are going straight? So, you are into men? Well... Then why didn't you fuck any guy in last seven years?"
"Okay, we already discussed this, remember? And I probably chose wrong words. Baby, I meant, I no longer am into anyone random. I don't get sexually attracted to anyone"
"That's not possible. How the fuck... Why? What's the reason? Tell me the reason"
I love you and that's the reason. All I am attracted to is you. I don't find others attractive, I don't want to do anything with anyone. I love you and having any form of relationship, no matter how short the duration is, will be betrayal. I love you and I can't betray you and my love for you
"Lou, answer me. How can you not find anyone attractive? How can you not get sexually attracted to others?"
Lou shrugged.
"Lou", Debbie's patience was running out. "Tell me"
"I... Just am not attracted to others anymore"
This was the cause of worry for both Debbie and Julia. While Debbie's worrying was valid and genuine, concerned for Lou, Julia was worried about her plan. Her plan had seduction involved. If Lou doesn't get attracted, all seduction will fail.
"Why? Why aren't you attracted? Wait, tell me the truth Lou, are you having any medical disorder? I am asking you, again, are you? Do you have any condition? Hormonal disorder or incapable of producing those hormones responsible for sex thing? Baby, are you... Are you having any trouble in your brain or uterus or whatever that produces hormones? Baby, tell me please? Or have you not done any tests and so, not aware, but experiencing the symptoms of these hormone disorders? You know what, let's go back to New York. We'll meet the best hormone doctor. C'mon, I can't see you like this"
Lou looked at Debbie, not knowing how to answer. One part of her brain told her to speak the real reason out loud but other part of brain stopped her. What if her confession impacts on their friendship in negative manner? It's true that they have been too intimate emotionally and have decided to be married forever. It is also true that Debbie's behaviour was siding more towards romance and love and not on friendship for last couple of weeks. But what if it was just Lou's imagination? What if Lou just misunderstood Debbie's genuine friendship? If so, then telling the real reason might be fatal.
The dilemma was major and Lou decided to use the most immature way to tackle. By joking and well, pulling Debbie's leg on lack of vocabulary and medical knowledge.
"First of all, Uterus doesn't produce hormones. There are glands and cells dedicated to do that. Brain controls and regulates them, directly or indirectly by controlling thyroid. Also, hormone doctor? Endocrinologist! And..."
"LOU MILLER, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND ANSWER MY QUESTIONS", Debbie lost her patience.
Lou looked at Debbie, knowing Debbie's anger very well. Still, she decided to continue her immature way.
"Uh... You are the most intelligent con, and yet you are unaware that humans cannot answer questions with their mouths shut! Man, you really fucked up in highschool. No wonder you were not even qualified to be NASA's Jani..."
Debbie had enough of this bullshit and her anger took the better of her. She slapped Lou.
Lou didn't expect that. She looked at Debbie, offended. Debbie really slapped her hard and there were people watching them. Lou wasn't happy about this and so, she stood in one go and walked away.
"Shit!", Debbie by now realised what happened. "Lou, I didn't mean to... Lou..."
Debbie ran behind Lou and walked side by side, while apologising. But well, no use.
Julia witnessed this and she definitely decided to take advantage of this. Debbie slapped Lou and Lou is angry. She can use this in every possible way.
*************************************
A/n: okay, I had to cut-short the chapter because I knew it's been a long time since the last update. Anyway, I'll try my best to update sooner and also, will try to finish the story within 50 chapters. It is 43 now, so 7 more to go. If I fail, then maybe 52 chapters🤓