It was a peaceful sleep until Karter was pushed off his bed and onto the hard floor.
He groaned.
Flynn waited quietly as his cousin threw on a hoodie and shoes. Being woken up only to walk outside in the cold October air was not one of Karter's highlights in life.
The whole day seemed to be going in the wrong direction, it made Karter question what else could happen?
He just pushed his mood to the side. It was probably just from not eating anything again during the day and it was just making him in a bad mood. Simple enough.
The pizza place was nice and Karter even got to order chicken strips and garlic bread. The smell of a pizza shop should have been put in a candle. Karter would definitely buy a candle that smelled like a heavenly pizza shop.
After they got the order and paid they left to walk back to the dorms. By this time Karter could hear the food calling him.
"If we get killed before I eat my chicken tenders I'm gonna be pissed," Karter shouted.
"I know you are," Flynn agreed.
Instead of going over to their dorm, they walked across to Ember and Holland's dorm room. Karter thought it was weird walking as if they were going to their room then at the last minute turning in the opposite direction.
Karter was glad just Holland and Ember figured out things between them. It might not have been official but Karter knew they were not just friends at least not for long.
The way Ember talked about the woman it seemed like she was very much into the blonde and coming from a dude who has had a few crushes-he knew they didn't go away easily.
Karter knocked on the door since Flynn had the pizzas.
There were two voices on the inside which Karter found kinda odd considering one of them was a dude. The voice sounded vaguely familiar, however, he just piled it onto the fact he was hungry so he probably would have said he saw Spongebob walking down the hall too.
Holland answered the door and welcomed them in after a minute.
Walking into the dorm room Karter realized too late why the other voice was familiar. He felt the urge to run out of the room.
Holland took the food from them and Karter stared-not all that subtly-at the tall man next to her.
Why the fuck was he here? he thought.
As the questions rushed through his mind Ember walked in past them. Ryan greeted her a bit awkwardly and the final dots connected in Karter's mind.
"Oh, Flynn, Karter, this is Ember's dad; Ryan," Holland muttered with her normal sunny smile.
Flynn shook his hand and Karter felt as if he looked like a deer in headlights. He pushed himself to try and act normal or whatever the hell was normal for him at least.
"Nice to meet you," Ryan smiled at them and then turned to Ember clearly wanting to leave soon. Karter noticed Ryan was a much better actor than he was.
There was a part of Karter that cursed himself for not noticing the connection. It wasn't like Karter didn't know Ryan had a daughter or that Ember only had her dad and crazy aunt in her life.
He never realized the same last name or even the times' Ember referred to her dad by his first name. Karter didn't see the connection since it was a big city and 'Ryan' wasn't an uncommon name.
The thought that his boyfriend had a kid that was technically older than Karter had just hit him.
Ember walked over to her desk and handed Ryan a pile of papers and signing to him. Karter didn't focus on anything, he had no idea what she was even saying.
Before Karter even knew what was happening Ryan was leaving and everyone was sitting on the floor with pillows, blankets, and food. Yet with all the dreams, any college student could think of, Karter was sick. He couldn't believe, out of all the people he could be seeing, the man turned out to be the father of his best friend.
All Karter could question was what the fuck did he do now.
Oh, yeah, Ember I let your dad fuck me several times and I loved it, I also call him Daddy. No, he was not going to tell her any of that.
Flynn looked at him questionably.
Karter cursed himself for not being able to hide his feelings as any normal person could. He forced himself to eat some of the chicken tenders and watch the movie they had on.
Karter knew Flynn would ask him if he was okay and he didn't want a lecture when they got back.
Forcing down the chicken he did his best to make fun of the characters because if he didn't then people surely would know he was fucked, well not in that way, but in that way.
"I mean if we can't all agree that the yellow boots look great on Merlin, then we're going to have problems," Holland laughed out.
They sat contently watching a movie Karter would have been excited about, The Kid Who Would Be King.
Karter liked the movie and the character Merlin was his favorite, the dude was goofy and just one of the many fictional characters Karter wanted to cherish forever.
"Lancelot is a dick?" Flynn commented.
Both Ember and Karter glared at Flynn. She signed something and Karter nearly burst out laughing. "She said 'he's my son. Eat a dick.' and to that, I agree."
Flynn laughed it off and they continued the movie.
"Anyone want to play a game? And sorry to say I don't mean video game, just like, you know, Cards Against Humanity, or Funemployed," Holland asked.
"Rain check for me? I actually am going to head off, I'm not feeling too well," Karter hugged Ember quickly before wishing her a happy early birthday.
Once he was inside his own dorm room and alone he still couldn't breathe.
Which seemed backward for him.
He wasn't forced to fake anything anymore and he didn't like the sight of himself at the moment. The black choker around his neck felt like it was doing its job rather well.
Knowing Flynn would be worried and cut his night short too Karter quickly undressed down to his boxers and climbed into bed. He made sure to pull the comforter over his head and curl into the pathetic ball he felt he was.
He couldn't think rationally, he couldn't just push it off like: "Oops my bad," all he could think of was the fact he crossed some kind of invisible line he didn't know was there, to begin with.
She was nearly a year, older than him.
Karter laughed at himself, when he got overly emotional he not only cried, he laughed. Therefore he felt like some kind of mental patient.
He didn't know how long it had been, but Flynn walked in quietly. Karter forced his breathing to resemble that he was asleep, a trick he learned when he was a kid so his parents would have to carry him in from the car.
"I know you're not sleeping," he spoke. "You don't sleep in the dark," Flynn stated softly.
Karter hadn't even noticed the state of the room until Flynn turned on the starfish night light.
"Are you alright? You didn't-" Karter cut him off thinking of the last time Flynn asked him that in his worried tone.
Δ Δ Δ
Everything seemed to hurt the numb feeling Karter was so used to was gone and replaced with shame and hurt.
Everything hurt.
The bright lights or the gross smell of bleach, the poking of nurses who watched him as if any minute he would rush out of the room and take a swan dive from the roof.
As if he could ignore the pain in his head or the feeling of his insides torturing him for his own stupidity.
The first thing he noticed when he woke up in the hospital was Flynn holding his hand. His face was red and even if his round glasses helped cover the bags under his eyes Karter took notice of how puffy his eyes were.
Then he noticed he was alive.
He wanted to slip back to being asleep, go back in time and take more pills, lock the door behind him.
When his parents rushed over to his side seeing he was awake he didn't cry, but when Flynn slapped him and started his rant about scaring him Karter burst out into tears.
Karter didn't know how to tell anyone why he decided to try to take his life. He felt like it was the only option.
The only thing he could do to relieve all the worries and hopelessness he felt when he thought about his future.
He felt like shit and there was nothing that seemed to help. He was angry, scared, and since he was a kid he had always felt everything much more than average.
After hiding his depression for months he gave in to the thoughts one night. He looked at the scars on his thighs, hips, and it pushed him over the edge.
Nothing was going to work out for him. If his parents knew he liked boys they wouldn't see him the same way they did. They would hate him eventually as much as he hated himself.
He grabbed whatever bottles he could find in the cabinet. He took as many as he could before crawling into the empty bathtub crying himself to sleep.
The thing that saved him that night was Flynn calling his phone after receiving a text from him.
Flynn called their house as he rushed over hoping, praying that he was wrong about the text.
The bathroom door was unlocked as Karter's mother screamed for her husband to call an ambulance. She and Flynn tried to wake Karter but nothing worked.
He had a seizure on the way to the hospital and for a moment Flynn thought of all times he wanted to be wrong about something it was then.
A day later Karter woke up.
Flynn squeezed his hand. "You promised you had my back. Let me have yours," Flynn murmured.
Δ Δ Δ
Flynn sat on the edge of Karter's bed.
"I'm fine, honest. I just want to sleep, okay?" Karter's voice was shaky and he was on the verge of another laughing fit.
"Okay, but I want to talk to you tomorrow."
Flynn patted Karter on the shoulder. Physical contact wasn't exactly easy for him even with his cousin. Karter knew it was a big gesture when Flynn pulled him in for a hug.
"Flynn?" Karter questioned, his voice breaking slightly.
"Yeah?"
"Unless you want me crying all over you-you might want to pull away. But thank you."
Flynn did his normal night routine before getting into bed himself. "Night, Karter."
Before Karter fell into a crying-induced coma as he liked to call them one last question buzzed in his head.
What do I do now? Karter wondered.