Warning: nightmares (mention), healing from trauma.
The song used in this chapter is from 2017, sorry 'bout that.
Photo by Erik Witsoe on Unsplash
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The rays of the summer sun wake him from his sleep. First enjoying the comfort of his sheets, he suddenly sits up, remembering the events of the day before. Chloe. He looked after her all night, calming every anguish, chasing every nightmare. He doesn't know when he fell asleep, too exhausted to resist any longer. And now she's no longer near him. He hurries to get up to look for her. He worries that she has run away. That she's alone, lost and desperate.
As he walks past the second bedroom, a shadow in the room stops him. There she is, with her back turned, holding the deer figurine he is working on at the moment. She turns her head to the side, enough to notice his presence. But she doesn't turn around. She goes back to contemplating the object in her hands. Her voice still broken is heard.
"You put your wood stuff back into the room.
-Yeah... 'Thought it would be easier to fill your absence.
-Did that work?
-No."
She gives a sad smile and puts Joel's work back down. He hopes he hasn't hurt her by trying to erase all traces of her in the room. In fact, change or not, she still haunts the whole house, he continues to feel her everywhere, expecting to see her pop up every moment when he's in the kitchen or living room. But no, he is alone with himself. So to see her standing there, a few steps away from him, he still finds it hard to believe. He changes the subject, uncomfortable with his feelings.
"Wanna some breakfast?
-Did Tommy eat all the cookies?"
He laughs softly and nods to encourage her to follow him. As they descend the stairs, she watches his back, a slight smile on her lips. His "no" still echoes in her head. It had only been two silly sentences. And yet, that was probably the most he had ever revealed of his feelings for her. He missed her so much that he tried to make her presence disappear to move on. Without success. She is not upset. She is relieved. Finally getting some honesty from him.
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For several days, she stays with him. Maria cleared her schedule, pretending she's sick. The days go by slowly, between panic attacks and catatonia on the sofa. To distract her, he put movies on TV. No matter what the subject, it just makes background noise and movement to get her out of her dark thoughts. More and more often, she has quiet moments, where they can chat, where she can read quietly. As before.
And then comes the time to find a normal life. Molly is back in Jackson. Her friend does not know anything about the events of the patrol, nor this part of her past, and she does not feel the strength to tell her about it. She also doesn't want to tell her about her relationship with Joel. So she goes back to live in the apartment, as if nothing had happened.
But no one can erase the past so easily. Unable to sleep, she turns and turns in her bed. She tried to read but couldn't concentrate. She knows only one thing can soothe her. Silently, she gets up and slips on her shoes, hoping Molly won't notice her absence.
The night is hot as she weaves her way through the deserted streets of the city. They will have beautiful weather the next day, she is sure. In the distance, she sees her goal stand out. The lights are off, but she knows the door will be open. With the lightness of a cat, she slips upstairs.
In the bedroom, his light breathing already comforts her. As she takes off her shoes, he suddenly sits up. His survivor reflexes resurface, and he points at her the weapon he always keeps on his nightstand. She raises her arms shaking.
"It's me! It's me, don't shoot!
-Sweet Jesus, Chloe you frightened me!"
He sighs and puts the gun down before lying back down, recovering from his emotions. She can't help but let out a nervous little laugh, before commenting.
"I know I've trouble sleeping but I'm not looking for that kind of sleep."
A sound of amusement escapes from his mouth. She finishes undressing, keeping only her tank top and panties on before coming to lay next to him. He opens his arms and she takes refuge there without delay. Caressing his bare chest absently, she explains her presence.
"I couldn't sleep. Didn't feel safe. I know Molly is right there, but... It's not the same."
He gently kisses her forehead and tightens his arms around her, giving her a reassuring place for the night. The next days, it becomes a habit. She leaving her apartment at night to come find him, him welcoming her without questions or expectations. The discussions that happened before the patrol are put on hold. She has more to think about than the definition of their relationship. She just wants to feel safe, with him.
He too is content with the situation. He wants to give her time, only her well-being counts at this time. So, even though he holds her nearly naked body against his every night, their intimacy never goes beyond gentle hugs and kisses that he slows down when he feels them getting too passionate. He knows, it's up to him to set limits. And this, despite her demands.
---
Anxiously, Joel makes his way home. He was only away for ten minutes, maybe twenty, to get some food in town. It's been a couple of days since the patrol, and the first time he lets her alone. Barely returned, he goes up to check on her.
He freezes as he enters the room. He thought he would find her asleep, or staring absently out the window. But he finds her naked under her half-open bathrobe, waiting for him in a suggestive position. He swallows hardly before shaking his head at the silent offer she makes to him.
"No... Not like that.
-Why not?
-I don't want to hurt you.
-You can't hurt me."
He doesn't answer, understanding only too well the double meaning of her sentence. He watches her green eyes shrivel with sadness as she gets up to move closer to him.
"You don't want me anymore? Because of what he said? About the other men?
-No Honey Girl. I still want you. But now isn't a good time.
-Yes, it is. Please Joel, let's do it. Make me feel alive."
He puts his hand slowly on her face and kisses her. She is more passionate, he has to control himself for her own good. Gently, he closes her bathrobe and steps back. She looks at him with a confused face. She thought she had convinced him and now he pushed her away. He talks in a soft voice.
"You're crying honey girl."
She puts her hand to her cheek and sees that it's true. She hadn't even realized it. She looks up at him again, her breathing now erratic. In a broken voice, she begs him.
"I need to forget Joel, please"
She remembers their first time. That feeling of starting all over again thanks to their bodies coming together. But the conditions are not the same. Her state of mind is not the same. No matter how gentle her lover might put on, at that moment nothing could bring her back to the serenity she had felt after this first time with him.
He closes his arms around her and leads her gently to the bed, where he lays her down on his chest. Without being able to control herself, she sobs against him, soaking his t-shirt with her tears. For minutes, hours, he just strokes her hair gently. His heart breaking at not being able to relieve her.
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Life resumes its course, always punctuated by anguish and nightmares. To keep her mind busy, she returned to work. At the cafe, many welcome her with pleasure, asking about her health. All believed in this story of illness. But those who have been on patrol know it. And she feels their eyes on her when they are present. Looks of compassion or full of questions she doesn't want to answer. So she ignores them, concentrating on her job, task after task.
Anthony often comes, his arm still splinted after his fall from his horse. A sincere bond of friendship seems to be forming between them. Maybe because he was the first to shoot one of Samuel's men. Or because he's the only one who doesn't seem to question her, her past, or her relationship with Joel. Maybe he just hides it better than the others. Either way, she is grateful to him. He's the kind of support she needs to get better and rely less on her lover.
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Weeks go by and now she sneaks out of her apartment almost every night. That evening, Molly is at Chris's, allowing her to go secretly to Joel's when her shift is over. He made her dinner, even managing to get her laughing out of a silly joke. This happy sound warms his heart. He would do anything to see her smile again without forcing herself, to find back that carefree glint in her eyes.
Lana del Rey – Change
But for now, she's sitting on the couch, staring into the dark. As before, she is in the dark, listening to music. Watching her from the corner of the room, he worries. He knows very well where her thoughts can be. So he walks over and holds out his hand. Coming out of her contemplation, she looks up at him, not understanding.
Maybe by the time Summer's done, I'll be able
To be honest, capable
Of holdin' you in my arms without lettin' you fall
When I don't feel beautiful or stable
"Let's dance."
He just whispers. She responds with a weak smile. He must really be worried to offer her such a thing. She takes his hand and stands up. She puts her arms around his neck and rests her head on his shoulder. He holds her tight and makes her dance slowly to the rhythm of the music. Dancing always does her good, being in his arms too. So, for the time of a song, he offers her a refuge away from her worries.
Every time that we run, we don't know what it's from
Now we finally slow down, we feel close to it
There's a change gonna come, I don't know where or when
But whenever it does, we'll be here for it