"Margo we're about to leave to go to the store for some snacks. Are you coming or not?" Calum's voice snaps me out of my trance as I lay on the tour bus with my phone hovering above my face.
I have the calculator app open and I can't remember why.
I slowly climb out of the bunk and walk off the tour bus. "Sorry, I got distracted."
"That's okay, the guys already went into the store and I was waiting for you. Are you alright?" He places his hand on my back and rubs it in soft circular motions as we enter the store.
"Yeah, I just forgot what I was doing." I try to laugh it off, but his face drops.
My memory is getting even worse and I don't know how to stop it. I've started writing more things down, just in case.
The other night I was writing something down but I forgot what it was halfway through.
My memory has gotten so bad that most nights I forget if I showered or not so I end up showering multiple times.
Usually I would assume the memory loss is from my depression, but this is definitely something worse. I want to tell the guys, but they're having so much fun on tour I don't want to ruin it.
We have one month left of tour and I don't know if I'll be able to pull through.
"We're going to be getting our favourite snacks, okay? I'll go get the basket." He leaves me standing alone in the snack aisle, surrounded by foods that I mostly forgot about.
What's my favourite snack?
After a few moments of being alone, Calum approaches me with a basket and a smile. "Alright just grab whatever you want and then we'll leave."
"Okay." I nod, approaching the shelf. Why can't I remember my favourite snack? I stand here, staring at the endless amounts of food while trying to figure out which one I'm supposed to be grabbing.
"Margo, the gummy bears are down here. They're you're favourite, right?" Calum calls out from the opposite end of the aisle and I let out a shaky breath.
"Right, yeah sorry I saw something over there." I let out a forced laugh and he just shakes his head with a small smile.
They're happy Margo, don't ruin this for them.
As soon as I open my mouth to speak again, the other guys come from around the corner.
"Ashton just hit some baby in the head." Mikey pants as they halt to a quick stop.
"It was an accident! I didn't know she was right there." Ashton frown as he puts his hands on his knees.
"Yeah right, you literally looked right at her before you-"
"It's fine, we got away from there as fast as possible. We just need to leave the store." Luke interrupts Mikey and Calum lets out an exaggerated sigh.
He turns to me and looks down at the basket that he was previously shovelling tons of snacks into. "Are you ready?"
"Yeah, I can't remember why we're here." I nod, pressing my lips together.
"We were here to get snacks." Calum's voice softens, almost as if he's disappointed.
"Yeah, I knew that. I was just testing you." I let out a nervous laugh before walking past them. "Let's go."
———
Calum's POV:
"It's getting bad." Ashton mumbles as we sit next to each other while the stylists do our hair.
"I know." I mumble, not looking up from the floor.
Margo's memory is getting worse, so bad that I don't even know if I should tell her that I notice or not.
Ashton makes it his job to remind me everyday though. At least I know his memory isn't fading.
"You have to tell someone before it gets bad, Calum." Ashton looks over to me and I shake my head.
"I'm not telling anyone unless she wants me to." Our relationship is finally smooth sailing, and I don't want to alter that.
"You're acting like she'll even fucking remember." Ashton rolls his eyes and I feel my chest get heavy. "I'm sorry, I just don't want either of you to get hurt."
"I know, you're hear is in the right place. She's just lost so many people that I don't think she'll be able to handle losing herself." I shake my head and look over to him. "I don't want to hurt her."
"I get that, I do, but you need to understand that if you don't do something about it soon then she'll lose herself either way." He informs me as if I don't already know.
"I know, just please try not to overthink it. She's happy being on tour with us and I want this to be a potential happy memory." I look back down at the floor. "I don't want to take it away from her."
"Alright, but the other guys are worried too, especially Luke. He's been talking nonstop about how things were back in Australia as if he was the only one that knew her." Ashton lets out a sigh and I press my lips together.
"He had a crush on her, Ashton. I wouldn't expect anything less." I bite the inside of my lip before continuing. "He talked to her more than any of us so he knows a side of her we can only ever dream of meeting."
"I know, but she doesn't know that. She just thinks he would talk to her for you. She doesn't realize he knew her before she even knew herself." Ashton shakes his head, standing up from his seat and facing me. "The other night he literally cried about how much it hurts to see her forget her surroundings as if they were never familiar in the first place."
I stand up from my seat as well and let out a loud sigh. "I just need time to realize what I'm going to do as a next step."
———
Luke's POV:
"Do you want to go lay in the parking lot with me? I have a feeling it's about to rain and everyone else is asleep." Margo's voice scares me, causing me to flinch.
"What?" I whisper, not trying to wake up the other guys.
"I want to lay out in the parking lot with you. Now come on before the rain starts." She smiles in the dim light before disappearing behind the curtain.
I quietly get out of the bunk and walk off the bus. The driver parked it here for a few hours while he went into the store for something.
I leave the tour bus to see Margo lying on the ground as if she's making snow angels.
"You're going to get sick." I speak quietly as if we're still on the bus as I walk over to her. I lay down beside her and look up at the sky. "We can't even see the stars because of the light pollution."
"It's not about seeing them." She whispers, a smile present in her voice. "We know that they're there even if we can't see them. No matter how long they're gone, we have this unspoken knowledge that we'll see them again."
Her hit me like a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day.
"You're not talking about the stars, are you?"
She lets out a long sigh before we sit in silence for a few minutes. I keep my eyes on the sky, scared that if I look over, she'll be gone.
"I know that you guys are noticing my memory getting worse. I also know that you don't want to mention it because you're scared it'll hurt me." She turns to look at me, and I can almost see the pain in her eyes. "I've lost a lot of people, that's no secret. You're the one person that knows me better than anyone else so that's why I want you to hear this first."
I blink at her, sitting up to really take her words in.
"Before I tell you this, I just want you to know that I'm forever thankful for you." Her words seem as if they're hard for her to say. "I've recorded all of the songs I've written so far. I've also scheduled a doctor's appointment for when we get back to Los Angeles."
She begins digging her nails into her skin so I open my mouth to say something, anything, to distract her.
"What do you think it is?" I croak out, clearing my throat.
"I hope it's just my depression, but it could be a lot of different things. I don't remember anything to do with memory loss running in my family, but that's why I'm going to the doctor." She lets out a shaky sigh and I just want to hug her. "Can we talk about something else for a few minutes? I'm sorry I just need to gather my thoughts."
"Of course, we can talk about that time that you tried to get me to skip school to sit in the rain." I smile and she gasps.
"Shut up, you did that all yourself." She lets out a genuine laugh and I place my hand over my chest.
"Why would you ever blame me for such a thing? I would never do something like that." I act offended and she playfully shoves me.
"Whatever, you're a loser."
I smile and just take a long look at her, and the way she's smiling. I don't want any of us to lose this side of her.
"We had a few good times, didn't we?" She pulls her knees up to her chest and hugs them.
"Yeah." I smile, nodding softly. "We really did."
"Thank you for making my last year and a half in Australia worth it. You really helped me feel like I belong." She thanks me quietly and I press my lips together. "Even if you got mad at me for always drinking out of your coffee cups after putting on lipstick."
"They were nice cups!" I defend myself and she hides her face with her hands.
"I'm sorry! I always forgot that I had it on." She tucks a few strands of her hair behind her ears as she licks her lips. "I'm going to miss your when it's over."
"I am too." I look around the empty parking lot, taking in the crisp air. "There's always the next tour to look forward to though. We aren't quitting music yet."
"Yet? I don't see you guys quitting at all." She shakes her head. "Seeing you guys perform, you just seem so free, so happy. I like seeing this side of you guys."
"I do too." I nod, chewing on the inside of my cheek. Before I can speak again, a random drop of rain falls onto my face causing me to jump.
"I told you it was going to rain." She smirks, pulling herself onto her feet. "Get up so we can really enjoy it."
"What do you mean? How do you enjoy rain?" I furrow my eyebrows as the cold rain begins to come down harder and she pulls me onto my feet.
She stretches her arms out as if she's getting crucified and squeezes her eyes shut as if it's her first time feeling the rain.
"You look insane!" I laugh over the loud rain and she drops her arms by her side and looks at me.
"And you don't?! You're the one that followed me out here!" She laughs, walking over to a newly formed puddle and kicking her feet around in it.
"You asked me to!" I yell and she shakes her head.
"Whatever you say!"
She begins running and spinning around in the rain like a child and I can't help but smile at the sight. She looks happy.
She looks like she doesn't have a car win the world and that's all any of us would ever want.
"I feel like I'm on top of the world. Like I'm weightless." She smiles, grabbing my hands and pulling me towards her. "Dance with me you loser!"
I don't dance, but for her I'm twirling around like I've been taking ballet classes for years.