run away.
what a powerful instinct
"DO WE REALLY HAVE TO STUDY NOW?" whined Koutarou Bokuto, hunched over the table with his cheeks flat against the cool surface. He glared childishly at the open textbook beside him.
"Yes," replied Akaashi, jotting notes into his notebook. "Just because nationals are coming up, does not mean you can avoid studying."
"But it's so boring. And hard!"
Sat on the couch, chuckles escaped Mizuki, lowering the book in her hand in favour of looking at the male. "I'll help you, Koutarou," she said, watching as he perked up. "What subject are you studying?"
His hair deflated. "Maths."
Mizuki's lips quirked upwards, and she slid off the couch, sitting between both boys. "Here." She grabbed the textbook, reading over the question he was working on. "You'll need to substitute the numbers into the formula."
"Which formula? There are so manyyy!"
Mizuki shook her head in amusement.
"This one." She wrote the formula down in pencil, helping him figure out which numbers to add in. "Just take it step by step, Kou. It becomes easier the more your practice."
He bit back his complaints, sitting up to actually try to understand what his soulmate was teaching him. It took a while, but Mizuki managed to explain the question in a way that he could understand it.
"Is it -4.56?"
"That's correct."
A cheer slipped past his lips, eyes sparkling under the lights of his house. He snapped his gaze over to Mizuki, adoration swirling in those golden orbs. "Is there anything you can't do?"
Gather up my wits and kiss you, she thought, unaware she vocalized her thoughts. She continued looking over the other questions in Bokuto's book, moments of silence passing. She glanced up in confusion, seeing the male staring at her with enlarged bright eyes.
Realisation poured onto her.
"I said that out loud, didn't I?"
Bokuto nodded, and Mizuki flushed profusely.
Her breathing sounded too loud. Her heart was beating too quickly. Oh goodness, what had she done? She blamed her stupid, stupid mouth. Her stupid honesty. Her stupid truth.
That was a mistake. A huge mistake. She was sitting there stark naked— not literally though. But that was how she felt. A tremble wormed through her body, poking and prodding at her nerves. Her eyes flashed to the male, meeting his gaze. Terror rushed through her. His gaze was dark, and his breathing grew deeper.
She cleared her throat, "um– I mean, uh..."
Koutarou's face broke out into a vivacious grin, and he dove towards Mizuki, caging her in his arms. She stared up at him in shock, hands falling to her side as he peered down at her. He slowly lowered his head, and her eyes fluttered shut, accepting the kiss and meeting him halfway.
The tender touch they shared made the room around them disappear. Mizuki could hardly keep still when he nudged her mouth open, taking her in. He tasted like heat and peppermint, like summer, like the sun.
Mizuki wanted more.
She took his face in her hands and pulled him closer. He made a soft, desperate sound in the back of his throat that sent a spike of pleasure directly to her brain. Pure, electric heat lifted her up, outside of herself. She seemed to be floating here, surrendered to the strange moment, held only in place by Bokuto's hovering embrace. She felt frantic, seized by a need to know more, a need she didn't even understand.
Finally, he pulled back, gazing down at her with hooded eyes, lips swollen. Pants escaped their lips, and just before Mizuki could catch her breath, Bokuto's lips were back on hers. A voice in the back of her head told her to stop, told her she was moving into dangerous territory. It said to her that she wouldn't be able to come back from the deep waters she was diving into. The voice was overpowered by the smell of his skin and the pressure of his touch. Mizuki felt like she was melting into the ground, encompassed by his bulky arms. She lost herself in the kiss.
He tasted like joy, and joy tasted best on Earth.
•• ━━━━━ ••●•• ━━━━━ ••
"Sorry, we're late," called Kuroo as he pushed open the door, unwrapping his scarf from around his neck. "I had to get this one up." He jerked to the grumpy blond behind him, who only grunted, taking off his shoes and coat, hanging it on the rack in the Bokuto household.
They moved into the living room, spotting Akaashi and Bokuto studying, surprise enveloping them. Bokuto was actually studying and with a broad grin taut across his face. A gleeful aura embraced him, metaphorical sparkles shimmering off him.
Kuroo arched a brow. "What's going on here?"
They spotted Mizuki bury her face in her book on the couch, covering her red-tinted cheeks. Memories of the kiss flooded her mind, and she had to force her heart to calm down.
Putting it aside, Kenma made his way over to Akaashi. "I'm hungry," he mumbled Kenma, still tired after being woken up (quite rudely, in his opinion) from his nap.
"Let's have fried chicken!"
"You should really try to learn how to cook, so you can eat something other than junk," said Kuroo, unzipping his bag and gathering the multiple textbooks inside.
Bokuto wiggled his eyebrows. "Want to teach me?"
"Would you actually try to learn, or would you just watch me and then reap the rewards of my effort?"
He shrugged innocently.
"I'll go prepare something," Mizuki announced, putting her book down once her face returned to its normal colour.
"Want help?" Akaashi asked, finally looking up from his work.
Kuroo snorted. "Like you can do any better."
A laugh bubbled out of Mizuki's throat. "I think I can manage." She got off the couch, heading to the kitchen, scouring through the fridge and taking in the ingredients they had stocked. An image popped into her head, and Mizuki knew immediately what to cook, gathering the things needed to prepare it.
Chopping up the vegetables, cleaning the chicken, slicing them into pieces to marinate, Mizuki worked her way around the kitchen flawlessly. It took her time to find the equipment, but she managed and didn't stop cooking until everything was ready.
"That tastes good," she said to herself, licking the remnants of the sauce off her lips. "Now, it just has to cook." She tidied up after, placing the utensils and such into the sink. "I'll clean them after food." Once everything was okay, Mizuki headed back to the living room.
"Okay, let's stop using the term 'butthurt'," she heard Akaashi say. "We're not little kids anymore."
"You sound a little asstroubled," snickered Kuroo.
Kenma, playing one of his games, added, "a little bootybothered if you ask me."
"Someone's having a tushytantrum." Bokuto grinned brightly, the three of them prospering off of the irritated look present on their soulmate's face. Akaashi pushed up his glasses, wondering why on earth he was stuck with those three.
Mizuki didn't question the four at all, opting to just leave it be.
"Food will be ready in twenty minutes," she informed, sitting beside Kuroo who scooted to the side, having taken her spot earlier. She glimpsed at his book, recognising the texts. "Biology?"
He nodded, returning back to his work. Mizuki grabbed her book from the couch, flipping it open to the page she was on. Her eyes trailed over the words, embedding them into her brain and transforming the scenery around her.
"Why aren't koalas considered bears?" Kuroo asked, breaking the content silence blanketing the soulmate group.
"They're not," Mizuki said, glancing up at the boy, brows furrowed. "They're marsupials."
Surely, he should know.
"They don't have the koalafications."
Mizuki blinked. "Koala...fication?"
He nodded.
She couldn't help the chuckle that slipped past her lips, lips quirking up in entertainment. Kuroo grinned at her reaction, happy to see her posture relax, tension dissipating.
"What do you call a fish with no eye?"
"Myxine Circifrons."
"Oh shit," said Kuroo. "That's an actual thing?"
"Yes, why?"
"He's gonna say something stupid," muttered Kenma under his breath, the youngest nodding his head, having heard the boy's words.
"Fsh."
The two rolled their eyes.
"Lovely," Mizuki said, returning to her book. "Are you going to continue with your biology jokes, or will you actually start studying the subject?"
"Yeesh, you sound like Keiji now."
"That's because we know the importance of studying," the said boy stated. "You should this as well."
"Yeah, yeah, I know." Kuroo waved the boy off, pushing his book to the side. "Can you help me with this, Mizuki?" She nodded and leant over, reading over the information. If there was one subject Mizuki loved, it would be biology. She enjoyed learning about the different species, enjoyed delving deep into the world. Physics was all about theory while Chemistry was about unliving objects. Mizuki liked to learn about life, whether it was from a human's point of view or an animal's, even a plant's point of view.
"Octopi have the ability to blend in with their surroundings," she explained, pointing to the picture of the creature in the book. "When they do, it's called—"
"—an octo-lie."
Mizuki stared at him with amusement. "...metachrosis."
Silence settled over them, only broken when Bokuto lit up. "Mocktopus!"
The two boys giggled, and Mizuki proceeded to watch them act like teenage school girls. "Come on, you two. Let's continue." Kenma and Akaashi observed how soft and gentle the oldest was. Unlike them, Mizuki didn't get tired of their jokes, nor did she hit them for pestering them (something both boys did many times). She listened, indulged them, reacted appropriately, and then moved on — something Kuroo and Bokuto, especially, adored. She really did balance them out.
Bell-like chimes rang through the air.
"Oh! That's the food."
Mizuki snoozed the alarm on her phone, getting up and heading to the kitchen. Bokuto followed after her like an excited puppy, stomach grumbling for food.
"She seems...lighter," Kenma noted.
"I thought so, too."
"She cried a lot on Christmas." Kuroo, Akaashi and Kenma all watched Mizuki and Bokuto interact in the kitchen, a lovely sight, their books now long forgotten on the table. "I think she let out all her bottled emotions."
"But you guys have felt it, right?" Akaashi questioned. "The...emptiness from her side of the bond?"
They nodded. They had always felt it.
•• ━━━━━ ••●•• ━━━━━ ••
With food churning contently in their stomachs, the five resumed their studying. They sat around the table in the living room, Kuroo forcing Kenma to sit down and answer questions, snatching away his game and hiding it from the boy.
"Kuro!"
"First do your homework," he said. Kenma pouted, and Mizuki found a tender warmth encircling her.
"I don't even understand this."
"I'll help, Kenma." He looked over her, seemingly searching for something in her eyes. A moment passed, and he nodded, climbing over Kuroo and not so purposely elbowing him in the face. Kuroo grunted but let him do as so, knowing that he'd calm down beside Mizuki. "Modern literature?"
Kenma nodded, and the two began to read the assigned script for his class. She'd point out important quotes, getting him to jot down the implications and symbolism. She goaded him to work things out, avoiding just telling him the answer. Where was the fun in that? she thought. School was about learning. Sure, some subjects could be boring, but they were meant to be taught, meant to be learned and carried on for life—especially literature. Mizuki adored literature.
"If our universe is infinite, how can there be spaces between the stars?" Akaashi, who took some time to look into astronomy, asked. He wanted to get to know Mizuki better, and astronomy happened to be something she liked; it was only natural that he would pick it up, trying to see what pieces of her laid there.
"It's cause our universe is relatively young," answered Kuroo, "and is still growing. It's finite. Not enough stars or galaxies have been formed to fill up the entire sky."
"Don't you think that somewhere, in an older universe, the night sky looks like a tapestry of diamonds?" Mizuki questioned, eyes drifting to the open window. "Somewhere, darkness is pale white and glittering. Imagine being so surrounded? You wouldn't be able to navigate under such a sky, but, wow, it sounds splendid."
The sky glowed like a ripe peach, a wonderous invasion of colours, bringing warmth into the very heart of winter. Her soulmates watched her in awe, adoration. Oh, how she had bewitched them, body and soul.
You see, Bokuto, Akaashi, Kuroo and Kenma all fell in love with Mizuki. With her courage, her sincerity, her flaming self-respect. And they could never expect to keep her contained. She was a beautiful, violent, cataclysmic storm; her voice cracked like thunder, electricity coursed through her veins, her mind was a whirlwind of frenzied thoughts crashing into one another with the force of a gale.
How could they ever expect to keep her contained?
How could anyone keep her contained?
...how could anyone assume she okay?
She was refracted light, a splintered deity, an enchanting portrait of a goddess misremembered. And in the tiny cracks of her heart, sadness smouldered.
•• ━━━━━ ••●•• ━━━━━ ••
"I don't need to go to bed," Kenma said, slumped on the couch, eyes trained onto his gaming device intensely. "I'm not tired. I'll be fine."
Kuroo sighed and pushed himself off the wall. He walked behind the couch, leaning forward and wrapping his arms around his shoulders. Kenma didn't react to him until he was mouthing a kiss behind his ear, saying, "come on, kitten. I'll be so lonely without you." Kuroo pressed himself closer, his chest moulding with the younger's back. "Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again," he purred.
"Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns?" Kenma asked, still focusing on his game, fingers pressing on the required buttons to defeat his enemy. Kuroo hummed, pressing kisses along his neck and then shoulder, nipping at the skin.
"Is it working?" Kenma shook his head, already used to the teasings of his older mates. Mizuki laughed at Kuroo's failed attempt.
"Come on, Kenma," she said, getting up from the couch. "I'll bake you an apple pie in the morning if you come to bed." He immediately saved the game at the offer, logging off and following after the lavenderette, eager excitement illuminating his golden orbs.
Kuroo pouted.
"Unfair," he muttered.
Mizuki laughed once again, having heard his whines. She stepped into Bokuto's bathroom, changing into the pyjamas she brought: a pair of checkered pants and a loose long-sleeved grey shirt. She took out her toothbrush and toothpaste, brushing her teeth until they were a pearly white. She made sure to floss and gurgled some mouthwash, spitting the remains into the sink.
"Done?" questioned Akaashi as she walked out. Mizuki nodded, placing everything back into the bag she brought with her. Kenma dragged her over to the bed, silently demanding to be held. Mizuki complied to her soulmate's wish, curling her arms around him and bringing him close to her body. Her shoulders relaxed, nose picking up the faint scent of apples arising off Kenma.
Kuroo flicked the lights off, and the five all slept on Bokuto's bed, thankful that the boy had such a large one. They were all able to sleep comfortably without squishing together.
Seconds turned into minutes, and minutes turned into hours. Mizuki had a hard time falling asleep, not when she was hypersensitive to everything around her. She took in the warmth emitting off Kenma, the way his chest rose and fell peacefully. Mizuki could hear the faint snores slipping past Akaashi's lips, the sound familiarising itself to her.
Bokuto turned over in the bed, mumbling, "you awake?" to Kuroo.
"No," he said, his arms pulling the sleeping Akaashi closer to his chest. Unable to sleep, Mizuki picked up on their conversation.
"Come on. This is important."
Kuroo sighed. "Fine, what?" he asked, angling his head back to glance at the other male. Bokuto pressed their lips together, a cheeky smile on his lips.
He pulled back.
"I love you," he said.
"Lucky me. Now go the fuck to sleep." Kuroo turned around and buried his face into Akaashi's hair. Bokuto pouted, cuddling into the middle blocker, face nuzzled into his shoulder.
Mizuki saw the way Kuroo's lips quirked upwards, and she couldn't stop hers from curling. She leant against Kenma, eyes fluttering shut. Sleep enticed her, luring her in with promises of peaceful slumber.
Sleep lied.
All night long, Mizuki trembled as memories roared in her mind. Darkness plunged its claws into her chest, tearing into her fragile heart, illuminating her most sacred memories, morphing them into terrors that stuck her wholely. Bathed in tears and despair, the darkness laughed mockingly, whispering sweet, sweet sinister nothings into her mind, running its claws up and down her spine.
I'm scared, she thought, whirling around to see nothing but darkness. It's like I'm at the bottom of a dark sea where I can't hear anything. There's no one here.
So dark.
So dark.
I'm going to be alone at the bottom of the dark sea again.
"Mizuki!"
Her eyes snapped open, frantically looking around until her gaze moved down, locking with golden eyes. Kenma stared at his soulmate in worry, and it was only then that she realised how tightly she held him.
"Gomen," she whispered, moving to unwrap her arms.
A hand quickly latched onto her wrist.
"Don't," Kenma said.
Don't pull away from us.
The two stared at each other, and tears formed along the rims of hers. Kenma was quick to pull her to him, shuffling up so her head laid in the crook of his neck.
He held her tightly.
"I'm fine," she said.
Yet you can't stop trembling, he thought.
They laid together in silence. Kenma never pointed out the occasional sniffles he heard, nor did he mention the way her hands shook as they clutched the back of his, well, one of their soulmate's, shirt. She clung to him so that something human existed in the chaos that was her mind.
Mizuki felt unspeakably lonely. And she felt drained. It was a blank state of mind and soul she could never describe to her soulmates, no matter how much they reassured her that they were there. She did not think it would make a difference, anyway. Besides, it was a very private feeling she had — that of melting into a perpetual nervous breakdown. She often questioned herself what she further wanted to do, who she further wished to be; which parts of her, exactly, were still functioning properly.
She got no answer. None at all.
Mizuki wished deeply she did not have to hide or sugarcoat her sadness, but she knew, she knew hopelessly that if they swallowed it raw, naked, and uncouth, it would curdle their insides and shrivel up their tongues.
"Do you want to go bake?" came a quiet, gentle voice.
Kenma knew Mizuki wouldn't be going back to sleep any time soon, not after what seemed to be a horrible nightmare.
"...okay."
•• ━━━━━ ••●•• ━━━━━ ••
"Something smells delicious," hummed Akaashi, rubbing his eyes drowsily as he walked into the room, Bokuto following him. The setter and ace had woken up and found two of their soulmates gone. The saccharine smell of apples had wafted into their room, and they knew exactly where the two went.
"You want some?" Kenma asked, raising his plate. Bokuto nodded eagerly, all fatigue vanishing at the sight food. He stole the piece from Kenma's fork, popping it into his mouth.
"This tastes amazing!" Bokuto exclaimed, eyes wide with awe and his mouth exploding with multiple exquisite flavours.
Kenma shot him a glare. "That was meant for Keiji," he muttered bitterly. Akaashi smiled and grabbed another fork off the table, scooping a piece of the apple pie and chewing on it.
"Koutarou's right. This is amazing."
Kenma had to agree wholeheartedly. It was delicious, dare he say better than the ones his mum made. Mizuki smiled softly, handing the two their own plate.
"Can I taste?" Kuroo asked, walking into the kitchen, his hair sticking all over the place. Bokuto nodded, his mouth full. He turned towards the bedheaded male, raising his plate only for Kuroo to bend down and press their lips together.
He shoved his tongue inside, lapping up at the remnants of the food. Kuroo pulled away with a sly smirk. "You're right, it is good."
Bokuto blushed furiously, and Mizuki couldn't help the chuckle that bubbled out at the look on the boy's face.
Akaashi sighed. "Why are you like this?"
"If you want a kiss, Kaashi, all you have to do is ask." He flashed the boy a tantalising grin. "No need to get jealous."
"Believe me, I don't want your mouth anywhere near me," said the youngest. "Not when you haven't even brushed your teeth."
"You haven't either," Kuroo retorted, gratefully accepting the plate of apple pie that Mizuki handed him.
Akaashi remained silent, opting to eat his piece.
Mizuki stood back and watched the four interact. Here, with them, Mizuki felt whole...yet not whole at the same time. Something was missing— no. Something was holding her back.
She watched from afar.
Ah, yes. That's why.
All Mizuki had ever done was watch from afar. She refused to take that step forward, that emotional step forward. She refused to bare her secrets and vulnerabilities to the ones she would most likely be spending the rest of her lives with.
Why?
Because Mizuki was scared.
Oh so fucking scared.
She didn't know what frightened her more: seeing them again or never seeing them again.