Brett Yang identifies as an asexual man. Eddy Chen had been in love with him for years... Brett was ready to confess to Eddy but Eddy came out as pansexual. Brett still tells Eddy but they decided to stay as best friends because dating will be complicated for them since they have opposite sexualities.
Can Eddy survive love without the sex without getting sexually frustrated? Can Brett be ready to give what Eddy needs from him?
a/n: I just found it coincidental as I watched today's video. It's like the person read my mind. Also, yes, if you didn't know, your author-san is ace!
warnings: expletives, small angst but fluffy all around.
Third Person POV
"Eddy, I have to tell you something..." Brett whispered to Eddy one drunken night to Eddy. "It's really, really, really important." Brett added with a slight giggle.
"What is it?" Eddy whispered back.
"I don't like girls... I don't find them attractive at a-all." Brett hiccupped, drunkenly laughing.
"So you like boys?" Eddy asked, letting Brett rest on his bed.
"No, not really. I feel like I d-don't like anyone." Brett responded.
Well, way to get your spirits up, Eddy.
Eddy thought as he looked at the wall beside Brett.
"Not one person?" Eddy asked again, now putting the blanket over Brett.
"I don't know. I just don't understand how some of my friends always say "I would bang her." Or "Damn, she's so sexy." I mean, I could see that people look good... B-but I don't wanna 'bang' her or something. That sounds awful." Brett said, closing his eyes. "I-is this normal, Eddy?" Brett asked, eyes still closed but now he was sobbing quite loudly for a Tuesday midnight.
"I'm sure it is. I guess you just haven't found the right person..." Eddy said, trying to comfort Brett.
I want to be the right person, Brett.
"Yeah..." Brett said, his last words before he completely fell asleep.
- - - - -
That happened years ago, it was when Brett was in his first year at the con and Eddy was in his last year of high school. Eddy never forgot about the night, nor his feelings. He was still in love with Brett and it's been years.
The natural curiosity of humans always find a way up your skin and itch. Eddy was curious if Brett still thought of anyone the same way.
Is that why he hasn't dated anyone? Is it really impossible for Brett to love anyone? Even me?
Eddy asked himself, burning and itching from curiosity. He still wants to know the entirety of Brett and he tries to remember everything. No matter how small or significant to Brett, Eddy wants to know it all. He can't forget the day.
It's the main reason he was here in Brett's favorite bubble tea place. Brett asked him to come here because he had something important to say to Eddy. Well, Eddy had said he was gonna tell Brett something too. Brett even told him that he could go first, for Brett was nervous.
Brett sat down in front of Eddy as he handed the bubble tea. It does sound so important for Brett, the way he told Eddy that they should meet personally instead of saying it over the phone.
"So, you first?" Brett started.
"Yeah... It's probably obvious or not but I think, I'm... Pansexual." Eddy said, avoiding Brett's eyes.
"Oh, that's great! Really great. I'm glad you told me, Eddy." Brett said, smiling at his friend.
There was a moment of silence wherein Eddy's tears were wiped by the sleeves of his sweater. Brett held his hand, a gesture that simply said "I'm here. It's okay. I've got you and I accept you." Eddy couldn't be any happier. When he stopped crying, he sipped his bubble tea and spoke up.
"Now that's out of the way, what were you going to tell me?" Eddy said, looking at Brett lovingly.
Of course he was in love with Brett, that just couldn't change.
"I, um, I think I'm asexual? But that's not the main thing..." Brett said, his shaking hand leaving Eddy's.
"I kinda knew you were? Um, I don't know if you still remember but there was a time where you came to my house drunk. You said you didn't like girls nor boys. You ranted about how your friends were always checking out girls and want to screw them but you couldn't understand what was so appealing about that. You then sobbed when you asked me if you were normal." Eddy said, recalling the memory.
"Well, I knew I said and did something stupid that night but didn't know why..." Brett said, laughing a little nervously.
"Well, what is it you were actually going to say?" Eddy asked.
"I, um, I love you... I really do." Brett said, not looking at Eddy. "But I don't think you can be with me... I don't think I could give you sex or a family. I could provide love but yeah, that wouldn't be enough, wouldn't it?" Brett added, clearing his throat.
"Brett, I love you, too. No lies there... I've loved you ever since you were sixteen and I was fifteen. But yeah, I don't think I could live with just your love. I want your everything, but I respect that you can't give everything to me." Eddy said, meaning everything.
"Yeah, I know. But we're cool, right? No awkward feelings or anything else?" Brett asked nervously, he was pained but he knew it wouldn't be easy for anyone to just accept that he cannot provide sex.
"No. I think just being best friends will be the best option." Eddy said, quite pained too.
This is everything that Eddy ever wanted, but why does it feel so empty? It's not like Eddy could ever give up sex, right? He will go crazy. Sure, he loves Brett but he's not sure if he can live like that. He'll feel like he's always about to explode out of sexual frustration if they kiss and touch but never take it far.
Brett was nervous when he felt that Eddy was thinking too much. Now, Brett just felt bad. At this moment, Brett just wanted to be a normal twenty-six year old who's gay and with sexual attraction.
"Please don't think too much about it... I just want you to be happy with someone who could satisfy you completely. I know that it's not me, so I'm willing to let go." Brett said, sipping on his tea. The sweetness does not go well with the situation.
"Yeah, thanks Brett. I don't think I'll survive a relationship without the sex. I need it to actually feel secure in the relationship. Also, I might go insane without that type of physicality." Eddy said honestly.
"I understand." Brett said as he smiled at Eddy genuinely.
- - - - -
"Where you going?" Brett asked, seeing that Eddy was all dressed up and neatly groomed.
"I'm seeing this local girl I met online." Eddy said hesitantly, straightening his clothes.
"Well, that's nice. Have fun!" Brett said, smiling at his friend.
"How do I look?" Eddy asked since Brett seemed okay with him going out on a date.
"You look great!" Brett said excitedly.
There was a deafening silence that filled the room.
"Are you okay with me going on a date?" Eddy asked, looking at Brett at the reflection of the mirror.
Brett looked back at Eddy on the mirror's reflection. His expression softened and he observed Eddy. Goddamn, he was so in love that he should feel bad about this pining. He looked at Eddy with so much love at that moment that it was hard to miss.
"Of course! You don't need to ask me or anything... It's your life and you should be able to do whatever you want. I'll be here to support you, okay?" Brett said as he tried to fake his genuine smile, fists clenched as he lied through his teeth.
Of course he wasn't okay with Eddy just dating anybody but him! But he had to learn to accept that Eddy will be on dates. He wasn't the man for Eddy! No, Eddy deserved the best for himself and that wasn't Brett.
"Thanks, Brett. For everything... It's comforting that the reassurance comes from you." Eddy said, smiling genuinely at Brett.
"You know that I'm always here for you and to always support you. I promise to be the best friend for you, so I'll be here." Brett said, accompanying Eddy to the door. "Have a great date okay? Call me afterwards." Brett added as he watched Eddy put on his best shoes.
Eddy waved at him goodbye. Brett closed the door and sighed. He sat on the grey couch in their Singapore apartment. He hugged his legs to his chest as he looked around. It felt lonely, being here alone.
I wanted to be the one on a date with Eddy. Brett thought as he lied down. He looked up at the ceiling and took of his glasses. He was quiet for a while, trying to cope with the fact that Eddy was always going out with someone else nowadays.
How is he doing? Is he okay? I hope he's having fun. I bet he's gonna go home late again or forget to call. Or spend the night with her. I hope he just stayed here and cuddled with me but I don't think he'd like it. Maybe he'd like the affection but I don't think he would like the fact that we can't have sex.
I really just want to hold Eddy close and tell him how much I love him. Shower him with affection and never let him go. I just want to love him. Hold his hand, kiss his cheeks and his lips, hold him close at night and go on dates with him. I want to show him that I love him so much, but I'm afraid that it's not enough. I'm not enough for Eddy.
Brett thought, trying not to cry. He quickly wiped them.
Maybe I should try to have sex with Eddy? Maybe I would be enough for him then. Maybe I would like it if it's with Eddy? It's not a bad idea. I think he'll love me back now.
But no, that's probably not how it works. I don't think he'll love me even if I have sex with him. I'm not exactly the most attractive person. Besides, there are people out there more attractive and don't have to force sexual attraction.
But it's worth a chance, right?
- - - - -
After Eddy's date was a success, he can't help but feel empty. There was something missing but he didn't know what he was. Disappointed, he walked back to the apartment.
Sure, sex was amazing and all but he can't seem to fall in love with any of them. It seems like his heart was set for Brett and Brett alone. It made him quite sad, seeing how Brett was so happy for him a while ago.
I wonder what it might feel like to be like Brett. I wonder how he could show love without the physicality of sex? I mean, obviously there's cuddling and kissing, holding hands. They could be nice, but will that and words be enough to satisfy me? Wouldn't that get too boring?
As soon as Eddy was back at their apartment, he was met with Brett kissing him, hard. No pretense, no hesitation, just claiming Eddy's mouth that was rightfully his, anyway. He pressed Eddy against the wall as he kissed him with so much passion, slipping his tongue from time to time.
Eddy moaned as Brett was kissing him with so much longing and love. Eddy was enjoying it up until he felt Brett's tears on his cheek. He pulled away from the kiss as he asked Brett if he was okay.
"Why so sudden, Brett? I thought you didn't feel sexual attraction?" Eddy asked, panting and catching his breath.
"I don't..." Brett said, wiping his tears quickly.
"Then why-"
"I didn't want you to be in love with someone else. Maybe if I gave you sex, I'd be good enough for you. Maybe we could be together..." Brett said, now sobbing. "I'm sorry... I might seem so pathetic right now. Also, I'm sorry for kissing you with no consent... I'll just fuck off to my room or someone." Brett said, facing away from Eddy about to run to his room. Eddy was fast to stop Brett.
"Brett, you can't force sexual attraction... Please don't hurt yourself like that again." Eddy said, hugging Brett from behind.
"But I wanna be enough for you! I don't wanna see you going out on dates with different and beautiful people. I know I'm probably not as attractive as them nor deserving and i-"
"Brett, please stop. I love you and only you." Eddy said sincerely, cutting Eddy off.
"Eddy, you can't. I can't give you what you want and need. I'm not enough..." Brett lamented, turning around to meet Eddy's eyes. "I love you but I can't give you my all. I'm sorry..." Brett added.
"You say that as if you aren't worth anything!" Eddy scolded. "I came to realize that sex isn't everything. I love you and I'm ready to sacrifice it. I realize that your love is more important to me than sex." Eddy said, hugging Brett tighter and lightly kissed the side of his neck.
"I love you." Brett said, looking up at Eddy. "I love you but I'm still scared. I trust you but I know that I'm not enough for you. I really don't wanna waste your time. I could compromise, Eddy. I could give you sex when you need it but I'm afraid that I don't find you sexually attractive. I love your face and your body but I don't find it sexually stimulating or appealing. You're just beautiful. I love you for your personality and your entirety and I'm telling you this now. As a warning and as a reminder that I'm not like everyone that you might come across to. It's a big deal to some people and I want to be honest with you." Brett added, hugging Eddy tight.
"I wanna be honest with you too. I love you a lot and yes, I might want sex from time to time but I don't think it's a big deal that you don't find me sexually attractive. The same with you, I love your entirety. I just love you a lot and I'm ready to face everything with you. I'm sure we'll be alright as long as we communicate like we always do." Eddy said, kissing the top of Brett's head.
"I love you..." Brett said again, finally crying again.
"I love you too, Bretty. I love you so much." Eddy said, crying this time.
That was the start of a wonderful relationship. Everything worked out for them because they communicated and compromised.