tw; emotional abuse mentions
Matt pulled into Fuller Heights Park, finding a parking spot and letting me get out, knowing that I needed to get somewhere that I could just breathe. I sat down on the grass, doing my best to slow my breathing. He came and sat down near me, offering his comfort while I calmed myself down.
"You wanna talk about it?"
"About how Caroline tore me down until I didn't recognize myself?" I raised my eyebrow, looking at him. "Not entirely, no."
"You know, you're gonna have to tell JJ about her eventually. She'll wonder why you're pushing your feelings down-"
"I don't have feelings, Matt. I can't. I-I don't know if I'm capable but Jesus Christ that woman does so many things to me. So many things to me that I don't understand."
"That is called feelings, my dear Watson." He chuckled.
"I wouldn't go as far to say that... We're not even together." I huffed.
"Then why'd you bring her?"
"Because I wanted you to meet her." I said, matter of factly. "I wanted you to meet the girl of my dreams."
"There it is again- you say you don't like her, but it's clear you do. The way you two look at each other... it's very obvious that you two feel strongly about each other. There's no denying it."
"I want to believe that Matt, I really do. But I- I don't know if I can. I don't know what I'm capable of. I'm scared. I'm scared because whatever it is that's happening is so strong and-"
"Those are feelings. I know you said you don't have them, but you do. Deep down, you still have them. They're definitely scary. And I know you're scared too. But you two need to talk about it, get it all out on the table."
"But what if I don't want to?" I asked, tears filling my eyes. "I don't want to relive it."
"She should know. I'm not making this decision for you, Y/N. It's your choice whether you want to tell her what happened or not. But you should at least tell her that Caroline hurt you."
Matt was right. I needed to at least tell her I was emotionally damaged. That Caroline emotionally abused me so bad that I didn't know who I was in the mirror anymore. She should know what she's getting into. But I didn't want to do that now. I just wanted to enjoy my weekend with my family, which I somehow already managed to make myself cry- and not tears of joy.
When I was finally calm enough, Matt and I stopped by the store and grabbed a couple things for tonight, knowing that they'd all question us when we got back empty handed. We made our way through the doors and to the kitchen, where Chloe and JJ were coloring at the table with Lilly. We put everything away and I sat down with them, locking eyes with JJ. I could tell she was nervous about me, but I shrugged it off, not wanting to talk about it. We colored for a bit more until the boys and Kristy came home from soccer, sending them upstairs to clean up while the twins, JJ and I cleaned up the kitchen table so we could start cooking dinner.
JJ grabbed my hand, giving it a squeeze. I knew that she'd want to talk about it, but everything still hurt so bad that I didn't want to talk about it. I shot her a small smile, leaning onto her shoulder. She rubbed my back, knowing that I needed her touch right now. I curled into her arms, wrapping my own around her as she pulled me close, placing a kiss on the top of my head. I started to relax into her touch, the stress and tension from the day's events slowly leaving my body. She pulled away so she could look at me, brushing some of my hair out of my face. Her hands went up to cup my face, her thumb brushing away the singular tear that had fallen out of my eye.
Caroline had never done that with me. She had never ever taken how I felt into account, and used everything about me to her advantage. She took control of me, made me believe things that weren't true- but at the time I thought they were. She got into my mind and screwed me up so much, to the point I didn't even know who I was anymore. I didn't know I was able to feel this way, and it scared me shitless that everything I was going through was so strong. I knew that JJ could tell something was off when it came to Caroline, and I hoped to God that she didn't push me to talk about it. I didn't want to scare her away with how bad I had gotten, or how rough everything was. But that was in the past. I needed to get past all of that bullshit and just confront my problems.
But the problem was, I didn't want to.
I knew we needed to talk about it and I knew that it would be beneficial to whatever it was that we were, but I just couldn't bring myself to even think about her. Every wound she had given me was still fresh, even though I hadn't seen her in two years. Everything she had done to me had been engraved so deep into my mind, that it had taken me this long to realize that I was good enough for this world and that I deserved to be happy. That I deserve the friends and family that I have. That I deserve to be loved. Part of me still didn't want to believe it, though. I had struggled so much after Caroline, to the point where it overtook my dreams. I couldn't get rid of her for the longest time.
"You okay, darling?"
"Um... yeah. Kinda tired."
"Do you want to go take a nap?"
"Please."
We excused ourselves to my bedroom, making sure to lock my door this time. I pulled my curtains closed and crawled under the covers, closing my eyes. JJ got in bed next to me, laying so she was close to me. She looked into my eyes and I saw a world of emotion, something that I knew I would never be able to fully enjoy until I got over my stupid trauma over some stupid girl.
"Do you want to talk about it?" her voice was soft, almost as if she was scared to break me.
"Honestly? No."
"Okay. We don't have to."
I snuggled closer to her, letting the silent tears fall down my face as she hugged me close. I don't know how long I cried, but I felt myself getting tired and gave into the feeling of needing sleep.
---
When I woke up again, it was dark and the bed was empty. I sat up, freaking out. Where did JJ go? Did I scare her? Was that all a dream?
Was I back to being truly alone?
The door pushed open and I saw David poke his head in, giving me a small smile.
"Hey. Mom says dinner is ready, if you want to eat."
"I'm uh.. I'm not really hungry, but thank you."
I was absolutely starving. But he didn't need to know that.
"Are you okay?" he came over and sat next to me on the edge of the bed. "You're sad."
"Yeah. Just some bad memories."
"Can I do anything?"
I smiled. "Just keep being yourself, David. That's all you need to do."
He leaned into my side before getting up as Kristy called for him, leaving me alone again. I grabbed Baby Yoda, pulling him close to my chest and trying to steady my breathing, knowing that thinking of her would do me no good. I was supposed to have fun this weekend. This was supposed to be a fun holiday weekend with my family, and yet here I was, hiding away in my room because I couldn't take the memories of my first girlfriend. I sat in my room for a little bit longer, scrolling through the endless amounts of texts I was getting from my friends, laughing at everyone's antics. We had all gone home to visit our families this weekend, which meant that Emily went back to Elle's place, and that her younger sisters were going to be giving Emily so many makeovers we wouldn't be able to recognize her when she got back.
The door pushed open again and Kristy came in, holding a small plate of food. I smiled at her, shifting so there was room for her to sit next to me as I took the plate from her.
"I figured you'd be hungry. David said you weren't but-"
"I need to eat, yeah I know the spchiel. Matt's given it to me too many times to count." I sighed. "I'm sorry, this weekend was supposed to be fun. And I'm over here being a depressed ass bitch."
"Don't be sorry." Kristy patted my leg. "I talked to Chloe, and she knows that you're still hurting. She was genuinely sorry when I said that you don't like to talk about her. She didn't know."
"She's four, Kristy. Of course she doesn't know." I chuckled. "And... you can tell JJ. If you want to, I mean. She deserves to know."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive. I'm still hurting, Kristy. I can't talk about it yet. The wounds cut deep. And I know talking about it makes things better but-"
"You're not ready. I get it. Everyone heals differently." she smiled at me. "I'll tell JJ, yeah?"
"Please."
She patted my arm. "Of course. Tomorrow we decided we're going to build a pillow fort in the living room and watch movies all day, can we expect you to be there?"
"I wouldn't miss it for the world."