TW; MENTIONS OF ROSALINE'S SUICIDE ATTEMPT
"For my favorite little sister? All the time in the world."
"Good, because it's a long story."
And I told him everything. I started from the beginning, from when Elle begged me to come partying with her on Sunday to the moment I woke up in JJ's bed this morning. I left out the dirty stuff, knowing Matt didn't want to hear anything about it, and he sat there with open ears the whole time, listening to me rant about my feelings. About how hurt I was over everything that had happened over the past 48 hours. About anything, really.
"And the worst part of it all, is that she's ten years older than me. Ten years Matt. How can I feel like she's the one I'm destined to be with if she's ten years my senior?"
"Firstly, breathe Y/N. You'll be okay."
"It doesn't feel like it."
"And what your feeling, those are just society's preconceived views of age gaps in relationships. You can't let that stop you from accepting how you truly feel about... Jennifer?"
"Yeah."
"Believe me, Y/N, you deserve to be happy. I know you don't think you do, but you do. I know it, your friends know it, even Kristy. And if Jennifer makes you happy, then it's okay."
"I'm scared, Matt. I'm scared because everything I'm feeling is so strong and I don't know what to do. I just- I'm so hurt right now."
"You're what?"
"Her sister called me a child yesterday. She just forgot to tell me her sister was coming. What kind of person does that? Forget to say her fucking sister is coming over. Her sister said, and this isn't accurate but she said something like 'she's basically a child' and I'm not going to lie, that hurt. It hurt really bad and I just... I don't know what to do anymore."
"You do know if she does hurt you-"
"You have to hurt her back I know. But it wasn't JJ... it was her sister." I paused, trying to collect my thoughts. "I'm so confused on what I'm feeling. I don't know what to do."
"Well, what are you really thinking right now?"
"That I really like her. I like her alot. More than I've liked anyone else, Matt. And I want things to work. But I don't know if they can. She's my teacher and-"
"I'm sorry, what?"
"I uh..." my eyes widened, realizing what I just said. "Don't be mad. Please don't be mad. I-"
"Mad? I- Y/N, I'm not mad."
"You're not?"
"No. Surprised, maybe. But not mad. I always knew you had a thing for older women, it was a matter of time before you found one of your own."
"But you're not mad? I'm literally stuck in the most unethical situation of my life, and you're not mad?"
"No? Y/N, I'm not one to judge who you're with. Or rather... not with but want to be with. I'll support you the whole way. I will admit, being in love with your teacher is a bad tightrope to be on, but I know you'll be smart about it."
"You're not like... ashamed or anything? I'm not gonna be shunned?"
"Well I can't speak for mom, but I know that I'm never going to make you leave my life because you're in love with older women. And Kristy is going to be super supportive too, she'll love having another woman in the house to talk to."
"If your wife steals my girl- whatever she is..."
"Did you just call her your girlfriend?"
"Shut up Matt"
"Y/N and Jennifer sitting in a tree.... K-I-S-S-I-"
"Goodnight, dumbass"
I hung up on him as he laughed his way through that stupid nursery rhyme, rolling my eyes as I realized that Matt was right. I shouldn't give into society's preconceived notions. I'm my own woman, and I can make decisions for myself. I grabbed my phone, shooting a text to JJ, explaining everything about how I felt and how I didn't mean to shut down on her like that, knowing that if we were going to continue with whatever it was we were, we would need to be somewhat open with each other and talk about our feelings. I absolutely hated talking about my feelings, but I knew it had to happen eventually. Feelings sucked. They royally sucked. But they were part of life and it was something I needed to own up to. I hated owning up to my feelings- anyone could tell you that. It was the worst thing in the world, for me personally. I tended to stay closed off for a while, not letting people get to know the true me until I'm sure I won't scare them away. But with JJ... JJ was different. I didn't feel myself putting up those walls. I felt myself being... well, myself with her. It was something I wasn't used to experiencing, and it was a weird yet nice feeling.
She didn't answer right away so I presumed she was working on lesson plans or something, or maybe still hanging out with Roslyn. I wasn't sure. I threw my phone onto my bed, curling my legs underneath me and grabbing my iPad, getting ready to work on my assignments for the night. I felt a lot better than I did when I got back, and I was glad that I communicated my issues. Weird space or not, I was determined to make us work.
---
I woke up hunched over my desk, my iPad having slipped out of my lap and onto the floor sometime in the night. I rubbed my face, blindly reaching behind me to grab my phone so I could shut off my alarm. But it wasn't an alarm, it was JJ calling me. At 3 am.
"JJ?"
"Y/N?"
"Oh my god you're crying. What's wrong? Are you okay? Where are you?"
"I'm at my apartment. Ros she- we got in a fight and I-I don't want to be alone right now. C-Can you come over?"
"Yeah of course I- I'll be there soon, okay?"
I grabbed my bag and purse, shoving as many things as I could think of inside that I would need, thanking god that my classes for the day were cancelled due to the school having some big homecoming event that I had absolutely zero interest in. I made sure to grab some of my favorite teas, my makeup, my overnight stuff and last but not least, my baby yoda plush. He always cheered me up when I wasn't happy so I figured why not bring him to JJ's? I made sure to grab my key and pepper spray on the way out, rushing out of the building. I made it to JJ's in record time, thanks to the Bird Scooter that was sitting right outside of my dorm. I punched in her code and ran upstairs, going straight to her apartment, finding the door already unlocked for me. I dropped my stuff down where I had put it the past few times I had come, looking around her living room for her.
I heard the faint sound of water running and figured she was in the bathroom, and ran over there. When I got inside, I found her sitting outside of the bathtub with tears running down her face, naked, with her arms curled around her legs. Whatever Roslyn did to make her feel like this.... that girl was going to feel my wrath. But tonight wasn't about that. Tonight was about JJ. She was shivering, and I could tell that the water that was running was cold. I shut it off and grabbed a towel, going down to her and wrapping her in it. She turned and cried into my shoulder, and I felt absolutely horrible. She looked so small, and so broken. I absolutely hated seeing her like this, and my heart broke at the sight of her looking so defeated. It was soul crushing. A few minutes passed before she stopped crying, looking up at me with bloodshot eyes.
"Well this is kind of embarrassing."
"Hey," I moved some hair behind her ear. "Don't say that."
"I'm sorry."
"There's no need to be sorry. Come on, let's get you dressed, you're shivering."
I led her to her bed and ran back out to the main room, grabbing my bag from where I had put it and quickly walking back, digging in to find the oversized sweatshirt I bought. I made sure she at least had a pair of underwear before trying to find her pants, going through every drawer until I found some. I finally found a pair of sweatpants, bringing them over to her and giving her a soft smile. She curled herself into my arms, letting me pull one of my hands up to run my hand through her hair in a comforting motion. Her hands played with my free ones, messing around with the little pinky ring I had with "arop" engraved on it, which was an homage to my group of high school friends who I stayed in touch with. Eventually her fiddling stopped and I felt a singular tear fall onto my hand.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
JJ let out a shaky sigh. "She's mad at me."
"Can I ask why?"
"She's just being the bitchy older sister I always knew her to be," she started. "We were supposed to have a fun couple of days together, and instead she comes in judging me for literally every small thing I do. Who I have over, how I grade... everything. I couldn't take it and I snapped and I- I don't know what happened. I... we were fighting and she told me I was gross and disgusting for what I was doing and how mom would hate to have me as a daughter. And when she left I... I just felt hopeless. Like I felt back in middle school when I found her in the bathroom and-" JJ let out a sob, her hand going to cover her mouth. "I didn't want to be alone."
"Oh honey..." I wrapped my arms around her, placing a kiss onto her cheek. "I'm glad you called me."
"I'm sorry I... I didn't mean to dump that all on you."
"Please, I dumped all my emotions on you the first day we met, it's only fair." I turned her head to look at me. "Don't ever apologize for having feelings, okay?"
"Okay." she paused. "Can you lay with me?"
"Of course."
I grabbed Baby Yoda from where I put him, climbing into bed opposite of JJ, wedging him between us. She chuckled, but accepted him as she curled up into my arms, falling asleep.