I was sitting in an armchair next to the fire in the common room; finishing off my potions homework and watching the green flames flare against the black brick of the fireplace when Nott and Zabini came running in. They were talking quickly between themselves and I was hoping they would take their whirlwind of a conversation elsewhere, but instead they dropped down on the leather sofa opposite me.
"-and then when she just jumped on top of her-"
"-or what about when she started trying to rip out her hair-"
"-no, no, no what about when she started to go to town on Parkinson's face-"
They were practically tripping over each other's sentence, both too hyped to shut up "What are you two on about?"
"You haven't heard" Zabini leant forward towards me with his forearms resting on his thighs "Gardner went crazy on Parkinson and now Parkinson's in the hospital wing and no one can find Gardner"
Fuck. She is so stupid, she's really gone and done it now.
"Why did Gardner attack Parkinson?" I tried to keep my voice as monotone as possible but my fists were clenched so tight I thought I was going to pop a vein.
"What makes you think she had a reason?" Nott chuckled.
Bastard.
"Well, she's not exactly the fighting type. Plus we all know Parkinson, she'll say anything to get a reaction out of someone" I reasoned.
Zabini raised his eyebrows in acknowledgement and rested his arms on the back of the sofa - we'd all been on the receiving end of Pansy's poisonous tongue at least once "Well I only got there by the time Parkinson was unconscious-"
"Wait, Gardner knocked Parkinson out cold?"
"Yeah mate it was hilarious. Gardner went proper ape shit, you should've been there" Nott slapped his knees and knocked his head back, continuing to laugh to himself.
Merlin, Gardner's going to get in some proper shit for this and they mentioned no one can find her either? She better not do something stupid.
I got up from my chair and started walking out of the common room.
"Malfoy! Where you off to?" Zabini yelled.
"Um, gonna check on Parkinson"
It was utter bollocks, but it was believable. Pansy and I have been hooking up since fifth year and everyone knows she's obsessed with me; I put up with her, only because there's no one else. It might sound cruel but I don't really give a shit - I've got other things on my mind, I can't spend my time worrying about Pansy's feelings.
I left the dungeons and started to wander the corridors, I tried to think where Gardner might have headed but in truth I really didn't know her all that well.
I don't know if we've ever actually had a real conversation that didn't end in an argument.
I meandered around the school for a while checking in empty classrooms, girls toilets, storage rooms and even peered out of the windows to see if she was down by the lake. I could only think of one last place, the astronomy tower - it was a long shot but it was the only place I hadn't looked.
When I reached the bottom of the stairs I tried to listen in to see if I could hear her up there, but there wasn't a sound so I started to ascend the staircase.
The open air tower was absolutely freezing, especially in January, you could hear the wind whistling through the room bouncing off of every surface. I had spent quite a lot of time here during the first term, it's unoccupied most nights because people get put off by the harsh chill.
As I reached the last step I was greeted with a comforting but unwanted image. Gardner was there however she was standing at the edge of the astronomy tower tightly gripping the railing with her head hung low, presumably staring at the ground below. Her hair was being blown around gently by the wind and I could tell from the dramatic rise and fall of her back that she was breathing heavily, laboured and shaking. I could only assume she was shivering from the draft in the tower, she was only wearing her uniform and didn't even have her robe on.
It was a hauntingly beautiful image; like she was a fragile porcelain doll seconds away from being cracked. I stood there and observed her for a few moments in this unusual state, deciding whether or not I should make myself known.
"I hope you weren't planning on jumping," I taunted, finally announcing myself.
Gardner raised her head, with her back still to me, taking in the landscape ahead. Her hands moved to her face and she roughly dragged her palm across her cheeks. Had she been crying?
"Why do you care?" her voice was hoarse and croaky.
She had been crying. Shit.
I felt my muscles stiffen because I'd never been good at dealing with emotions, whether it be my own or others.
"I don't care," I said sharply. Although I felt a flicker of regret at my abrasive tone but quickly suppressed the feeling when I remembered that she doesn't deserve my kindness.
"Lovely, really bloody gracious of you Malfoy"
"I just don't need your death on my conscience, so could you wait until after I've left" I was uncomfortable so I mocked, I couldn't help it.
"Can you just piss off and leave then?" she snapped, whipping her body round to face me. I could finally take in her whole appearance and what I saw made my chest ache in an inexplicable way that I had never felt before.
She looked like shit - her cheeks were red from rubbing them raw trying to remove the traces of tears that still lingered in the dampness of her eyelashes; her hair was dishevelled, knotty sprawled across her shoulders and back like a makeshift blanket trying feebly to keep her warm; her lips were bruised and misshapen, she must've been biting down on them; and she looked like she hadn't slept in a while with purple half crescents under her eyes, mimicking my own.
But the worst thing was her eyes, where I expected to find sadness or fear I found nothing. Her emotionless presence before me sent a chill down my spine. "I'm not sure if you can tell but I don't really want company right now"
"Wait, you're not actually thinking of doing it are you?" I hesitated, trying to cover the concern in my voice.
"I'm not sure, I haven't finished my pros and cons list yet" she scoffed, rolling her eyes - clearly agitated that I didn't seem to be leaving anytime soon, but it was clear she was deflecting - using sarcasm the same way I do. I felt unsettled as I struggled for the appropriate response.
"This isn't something to joke about" I took a cautious step closer to her.
"No I'm serious, listen to what I've got so far, pro: if I jump right now I don't have to take my N.E.W.T.s - I hear they're a right bitch and stressful too..."
"Gardner, this isn't fucking funny" I'd raised my voice now, not quite shouting but enough to startle her.
"It's rude to interrupt Malfoy" she frowned at me "another pro, I haven't done my Transfiguration homework for next week and I don't really feel like losing my house anymore points" she was wobbling around near the edge, holding onto the railing and swinging around it.
"Gardner, stop being fucking stupid!" now I was shouting, and the panic was seeping into my voice regardless of my attempts to cover it as I walked a few steps closer.
"You need to expand your vocabulary, you kiss your mother with that mouth?"
My jaw clenched at the mention of my mother, Gardner doesn't know me. What gives her the right... but I rolled my tongue against my cheek and decided to brush the comment aside."Expanding my vocabulary isn't really one of my top priorities right now"
"Oh, and I am" she smirked.
"That's not what I meant-"
"Well if I'm not one of your priorities right now I'll just carry on-"
"FOR FUCKS SAKE, I can't be arsed to listen to you bitch about how you want to kill yourself over homework!" I scolded, taking her by surprise. The amused look fell from her face and was replaced with one of vexation.
"Well no offence Malfoy but I'm not exactly going to start pouring my heart out to you" she hissed, her tone venomous and her eyes narrow as she stalked towards me.
"Merlin! I never asked you to-"
"Then what the fuck are you still doing here? Piss off! This has nothing to do with you!"
I could feel the anger radiating off of her body, like the air around her was pulsing, however I couldn't stop. Gardner was livid and somehow it only encouraged me. "This has everything to do with me! Don't lie to yourself, don't lie to me-"
"Merlin you are so ignorant-"
"Don't call me that!"
"What ignorant? How about selfish, narcissistic, spiteful, heartless, cowardly-" she was physically listing the words off on her fingers as she went and I could see the fire being lit behind her eyes.
She was close to me now, too close and she'd already burst on one person today, I wasn't intending on being the second. I reached forward and grasped her small wrists within my hands to restrain her however the moment our skin made contact I was blinded by a flash of red light and it felt like a surge of energy rushed through my body which sent me hurtling backwards through the air.
I felt my back slam against the wall and my body slid down to the floor. I laid there for a while trying to gather my bearings and understand what had just happened, it must've been wandless magic - but we'd never learnt anything that powerful.
I opened my eyes and tried to sit up wincing as I felt my back and coccyx ache from the impact. I saw her backed up against the railing with a look of horror plastered across her face.
"I'm sorry- I didn't- You... you should go" she stumbled over her words never removing her gaze from mine.
Normally I would've made a snide remark and left but she was clearly unstable, even more so than I expected. Everyone's heard about what she's going through and it must've hit harder than I originally thought.
No. At that moment I decided I wasn't going to abandon her. No matter how hard she tried.
"You can't get rid of me that easily"
"Please Malfoy leave..."
"I'm here now and believe it or not I'm not going to let you pitch yourself off the astronomy tower" I said as I got to my feet and walked towards her.
She was panting heavily, her breath being carried on the wind towards me and I greedily inhaled the sweet strawberry that lingered. She instinctively tried to take a step back but backed into the railing once again. "So you either walk away or I wait until you pass out from sleep deprivation and carry you back to the Gryffindork- Gryffindor... the Gryffindor common room"
We fell into silence, both slightly shocked by the directness of what I'd just said. I desperately tried to scan her face for any hint of what she was thinking, nevertheless the fire behind her eyes had burned out and her brown eyes were empty once again.
Neither of us had said anything for a few minutes and I was preparing to make a comment to break the tension when..
"I don't want to be a... burden to anyone anymore" Gardner's voice was barely a whisper and her eyes started to gloss over, although I convinced myself it was a trick of the light as she seemed to be smiling as though she'd just made some kind of joke - however I couldn't help but notice that the smile didn't reach her eyes, they still looked hollow and cold. "I... won't have to feel the- the overwhelming grief anymore."
She finally choked and a single tear fell out of her eye but she quickly wiped it away and looked at the ground. I knew she wasn't going to be vulnerable, that wasn't how our relationship worked.
I decided not to acknowledge the small display of emotions because in spite of my sudden urge to walk up to her and make sure another tear never fell from her eyes, I also wanted to redirect the conversation, as I feared where it was headed. I purposefully cleared my throat.
"Is that it?" I was towering over her and tilted my head down to try and grasp any possible contact.
She slowly nodded, her eye line still fixed onto the floor "I haven't been able to think of any cons yet, which helps the decision making process along quite a bit" Gardner let out a feeble laugh and turned to look out at the vast expanse of sky in front of her, she folded her arms over her front clearly struggling to fight off the cold chill slicing through the astronomy tower.
"I can think of one," I gloated. I strode to her side and leaned my back against the railing.
She turned her head to face me and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear while staring at me curiously, wrapping her hands around the railing.
"If you were gone who would I argue with? You're one of the only people in the whole school who can keep up with me intellectually and physically apparently, judging by what just happened" I turned to look at her with a small smirk but clearly she didn't find the same amusement as I did in her outburst "...arguments with others just don't... satisfy me the way ours do"
She was silent for a few heartbeats, I was sure she was going to slap me. She took a deep breath averting her gaze from mine and looked down at her hands.
"We haven't spoken in weeks, besides, it's just not enough" she mumbled just loud enough for me to hear.
I decided mocking her clearly wouldn't suffice now, I needed to try harder. Although it was something I really didn't want to do, but I would do it. For her.
"What about the people you'd be leaving behind... friends, family?"
"Didn't you hear what I said earlier? I'm a burden to everyone, they wouldn't miss me" she let out a small snivel and took a breath to recompose "I've fucked up everything - I'm an affliction to my friends, an embarrassment to the memory of my mum, I even fucked it up with you. I know you hate me and it kills me inside to know that"
"That's not true" I turned around to face the sky and leant on my hands which I had placed on the railing, with my pinky finger mere inches from hers.
"Yes it is" she sighed "I can't think of a single person who would mi-"
"I would miss you" the words fell from my mouth before I even realised I had said them.
Gardner tensed and froze on the spot probably waiting for me to correct myself. But I never did. She slowly, cautiously moved her hand closer until her fingertips grazed over my knuckles and she gently rested her hand on top of mine and I stared fondly at our intertwined fingers.
I wanted to elaborate on how I would miss when she laughs at one of Weaslebee's stupid jokes she covers her mouth with the back of her hand because she is insecure about her smile, even though I'm sure it's the most gorgeous smile I've ever seen. Or how I'd miss that sometimes when the sun hits her eyes her regular chocolate brown irises look like dewy pools of honey and it's maybe one of the most angelic things about her. I wanted to say that I would miss her scent invading my nostrils during potions lessons, or how our incessant bickering used to be the best part of my day.
Despite me desperately wanting to tell her all these things I suppressed the urge because something deep inside told me that exposing myself to her like that was a weakness - and one that she would be able to use against me, giving her an upper hand.
But the words I had said seemed to have sufficed as she was now holding my hand and I felt something warm growing inside my chest, it felt as if my heart had stopped and swelled up inside of me.
No, don't be stupid, thats impossible.
However I couldn't subdue the alleviation that came along with this warmth in my chest. It just felt right. I wondered if Gardner felt the same thing, I hoped she did. No I didn't.
Maybe I did...
She broke the silence first "Really?"
Neither of us turned to face each other, somehow it felt like we didn't need to.
I just made a humming noise as acknowledgement, although I don't think she was really expecting much more from me.
After a while Gardner removed her hand and I couldn't help feeling a little disappointed, like my hand was nothing but a skeleton without her fingers intertwined with mine.
She turned to face me and so I adjusted my body accordingly, to face her. We stayed in place looking at each other for a few synchronised heart beats until Gardner stood on her tiptoes and gripped onto my shoulders, she leant forward carefully and placed a delicate kiss on my cheek.
"Thank you" she whispered against my ear and that warm feeling re-emerged in my chest.
She lowered herself and peeled away from my body.
"I think maybe I should go back to my room" she breathed with unwavering eye contact, which I held just as firmly.
"So you're not going to... you know" I tried to say with the most subtlety possible. Gardner shook her head slowly "and you're not lying to me"
I made sure her eyes stayed stuck to mine, I had to be certain she wasn't lying.
"No. I'm not going to"
When she stepped away from me I couldn't help but feel empty from where her body heat had just been, similarly to when she had unlinked our hands.
I wanted to feel that warmth again and started to panic when she took her first step towards the stairs, I quickly grabbed her forearm and spun her round to face me; Gardner looked at me bewildered and I brought my left hand up to cup her cheek, observing her once more.
Our faces were so close that we were sharing breaths and my nose was lightly grazing against hers, I stroked the pad of my thumb against her cheekbones over the dried tear tracks.
"Malfoy-"
I dipped my head down and lightly connected our lips, as though she would break if I pressed too hard. After a few moments I felt her lips responding to mine and gently kissing back, I placed my hand on the small of her back and her arms connected behind my head as her hands started to softly caress the nape of my neck and we fell into a slow rhythm.
I started to trail wet kisses down the side of her neck until I tasted metal. I raised my head and inspected the chain around her neck and felt a smile break onto my face when I realised what it was.
"You're wearing my necklace" I tried to suppress my smile but it was no use.
She looked into my eyes and nodded while biting her lip, I brought my hand back to her face and tugged my thumb at her bottom lip, removing it from between her teeth.
I leant back in and slanted my mouth over hers, kissing her much more passionately than before. I guided her backwards until her back hit the wall and my hands started exploring down the sides of her body, settling on her waist. She tilted her head to grant me access to her neck and I brought my lips down to her ear.
"You don't know how badly I've wanted this" I growled against her skin, tightening my grip on her waist.
"Me too" she murmured back.
Those words were a catalyst and I felt myself harden as I carried on sucking and nipping down her neck and along her collarbone, even more so when she let out a soft moan when I kissed a sensitive spot halfway down the column of her throat. I pressed my body against hers and we both groaned when we received the slightest bit of friction.
I was about to consider going further when the last thing I wanted to happen, happened.
"Violet!"
She pulled away from the kiss and looked at me, we both recognised the voice, it was Granger. I shook my head at her, silently pleading with her to not answer but she frowned.
She brought her hand up and brushed a piece of hair away from my forehead while mouthing 'I'm sorry"
"Violet! Are you up there?"
"Yeah I'm here" she called back, her voice echoing around the tower.
Her hand slid from my face and down my arm as she intertwined her fingers with mine again and gave my hand a slight squeeze.
"Can we talk tomorrow?" she whispered and I nodded my head, reluctant to break eye contact - or any kind of contact for that matter. She cupped my cheek and gave me one last peck on the lips before walking towards the staircase to wait for Granger.
It took all of ten seconds for Granger to come bounding up the stairs and she instantly pulled Gardner into a strong embrace.
"Merlin! I've been worried sick, we all have. After I found your note I just-" her look of empathy quickly turned into a glare as she adjusted her gaze over Gardner's shoulder, towards me. I was too busy thinking about what she had just said to send any kind of glare back.
Gardner had written a note. She was actually going to do it. What if I hadn't showed up?
I felt my chest ache desperately at the thought but Granger derailed my train of thought.
"What are you doing here?" It almost sounded like a warning.
"None of your business mudbl-"
"Come on 'Mione, I want to go to bed" Gardner interjected, pulling Granger towards the stairs with her.
"Yes of course let's go, Merlin! You must be freezing!" Granger muttered something under her breath and a blanket materialised around Gardner as they descended the stairs. She briefly glanced back at me and gave me a small smile before disappearing down the stairs.
******
Discussion :)
A/N
Thank you for 5k readers, I really hope you're all enjoying the story and trust me the plot is going to pick up quite a bit from this point - I hope you're excited!!