Sirius' guest room is lonely. And cold.
Soft, watery sunlight creeps in through the drawn curtains in pale beams, etching patterns everywhere it falls. On the floor, the wall, on Remus' pillow.
Remus has been awake for hours, but he makes no effort to get out of bed. He should, because the Justice for Remus Club convenes every Saturday, and James and Lily will be here soon.
Oh God, Lily.
Remus knows she's going to ask what happened. Remus doesn't yet know how horrible exactly he looks, but if his sticky cheeks or dry, puffy eyes serve as any clue, he would dare say he looks really fucking horrible.
God, he wants to never face anyone again.
There's a soft knock on the door, and Remus doesn't make an effort to respond. He doesn't want to.
"Remus?"
It's Sirius, of course. Who else would it be? After last night, Remus honestly didn't think Sirius would even want to look at him again. But here they are.
Another soft knock, and then the doorknob turns, revealing a very tired Sirius.
Remus sits up, pulling his knees to his chest. Sirius doesn't quite look at him, only at the wall above his head.
"I've made breakfast..." His voice is soft, and hoarse. "If... you can..." Sirius winces, "Whenever you want," he manages to say. And then his eyes fall on Remus' for a half of a second. He quickly closes the door.
Remus stays frozen for a while, chewing on his bottom lip. He touches his face to see if he's crying, and is surprised to find that he isn't. With a sigh, he pushes drags himself out of bed and goes to get dressed.
When he goes into the kitchen, Sirius is at the counter, stirring his tea. Remus' mug is already on the table, covered with a saucer. Sirius goes tense when he hears Remus, but doesn't turn around. He almost drops his spoon while putting it in the sink. In his hurry to get away, Sirius forgets his mug.
That he was stirring a literal second ago.
"Won't you eat?" Remus asks. Sirius shakes his head, already starting to leave. "Sirius," Remus grabs his wrist.
Sirius brings his free hand to gently pry Remus' fingers off. Sirius' skin feels like it's on fire. "I already ate," Sirius says softly.
Remus knows he's lying, but he doesn't know what to say. He can still feel the burn of Sirius' fingers on his hand. Helpless, he watches Sirius grab his mug and flee the kitchen, wondering how they have, overnight, turned into strangers. Miles of distance between them.
And the prospect of never going back to how they were before terrifies Remus.
***
Fortunately or not, Lily doesn't come. Only James and Auguste do.
"So," James grins, dragging the o out, "Any news?"
No one says anything.
"Hello?" James snaps a finger in front of Remus, making him jerk back. Remus looks up to find James smiling at him.
"Uhm," Remus clears his throat, pulling the letter out of his pocket. "Here," he gives it to James. Auguste leans closer to look at it over James' shoulder.
"You smell really good," James tells him absent-mindedly, probably too busy to notice that he just paid a compliment to Auguste Bellerose. Auguste gives him a look that reads What the fuck's gotten into you today?, but doesn't say anything snarky. "Thanks," he shrugs, "You're not so bad yourself."
They read the letter quickly.
"That's amazing, Remus," Auguste smiles at him, and Remus struggles to smile back.
"Amazing?" James shakes his head, "This is like, the most amazing thing," he grins at Remus, and Remus can feel his own smile grow a little.
"Did they call you? Ask you to come give a statement?" Auguste asks.
"No," Remus shakes his head, "Not yet." His eyes, out of habit, land on Sirius, who's not spoken much to anyone. James follows his gaze, and for the first time—probably in Remus' entire life—Remus sees his smile falter.
"Well," he says, "They might call soon." He takes a moment, and his smile grows bright again. "I have a good feeling about this, Re. You just wait and see."
***
After the meeting is over, Sirius leaves with Auguste, leaving James and Remus standing by the door. Remus closes the door and turns to James, opening his mouth to ask if James would like a(nother) cup of tea.
But he doesn't get to say anything, because James pulls him on to the couch.
"Are you okay?" He asks, his dark eyes searching Remus' face from behind his thick glasses. "Sorry," he then says, "That's a stupid question. I know you're not. I mean, it's obvious. But even if it wasn't, I know what happened."
Remus gives him a look of confusion.
"Sirius called me at, I think, three in the morning. It had me so worried, I thought you were dead or... or, sick or something like that so I picked up and then he told me everything..." James takes a deep breath. "Say something, Remus. You're making me scared."
"I'm sorry," Remus sighs. "I'm okay," he adds unsurely.
"Ten out of ten for the effort, but minus five for dishonesty," James gives him a nudge with his elbow. "You look like shit, Re,"
"Wow, thanks, James," Remus can't help but laugh.
"That's what I'm here for," James grins. He takes Remus' hand in both of his, giving it a small pat. "Would you feel better if Lily was here? I didn't tell her. I was scared she might murder Sirius in cold blood."
"Yeah, that wouldn't have looked very good on her resumé," Remus says, making James snort, "I don't think I want to... talk about it. Mostly because there isn't much to say. But I'm really glad you're here, James. It means a lot."
"Aw, come here," James pouts, giving him a massive hug, practically squeezing him. "I'm always here, you know. Whether you want to talk or not."
Remus stays with his head on James' shoulder for a while, neither of them saying anything. Which Remus knows is particularly difficult for James to do.
"I feel really bad," he finally says.
"Bad as in hurt or bad as in guilty?" James asks, shifting a little so that he can support Remus' weight better.
"Both,"
"Oh," James rubs his shoulder, "Why do you feel guilty?"
"I..." Remus bites his lip, "I shouted at Sirius, and I don't know if I meant everything I said,"
"Oh, Re," James says gently, "It's okay. You don't have to feel guilty for feeling angry. Or hurt. Or anything. But I suppose it does depend on what you said..." James pauses thoughtfully, "What did you say?"
Remus closes his eyes, wishing he could disappear. "I asked him if he was playing with me because I was staying with him,"
"Huh? Like, a really twisted way of paying rent? Emotional rent?"
Remus smiles a little, even if he's feeling miserable. "I don't know. Maybe,"
"Well, I've known Sirius for years, so I can promise you it's nothing like that..." James says, "But as far as regrettable things go, that really isn't much, Re. I thought you told him to go die. Or like, electrocute himself. Which is the same thing as dying, probably... but, look, my point is... You were mad, you said something you didn't really mean, and that's all there is to it. You can apologize to him later, but I think you deserve a bigger apology. Like, a hundred times bigger."
Remus doesn't point out that he's been pretty much gold digging Sirius and that he has no right to demand an apology.
"I don't know," Remus sighs, and James squeezes him again. "I don't want to hurt him, it's the last thing I wanted to do."
"Well," James shrugs under Remus' cheek, "He's miserable all the time anyway, so I don't think you made it any worse,"
"That really doesn't help, James,"
"Right, sorry. But look, you don't have to be... how do I say... distant or anything, right? You can still be friends? Maybe not right now, but... in a couple days?"
Remus gives a noncommittal hum, snuggling closer to James because he's really warm, and Remus spent a cold and lonely night. And he wants to believe James and everything he said, it's just that he doesn't know if he can.