MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!! I love you guys! xoxoxox enjoy!
As much as I hate to admit it I can’t wait to get to class so that Seth can talk to me again. He doesn’t need to know that just by him saying hi to me the first thing in the morning makes my entire day. He’s managed to weasel his cute little self in my good graces again, though, he’s not complete there. I’m still upset and completely hurt by what he did to me but I just can’t help how he still manages to make me feel, I don’t know. Happy is definitely not the word but it’s a feeling close to happiness, acceptance, maybe.
Seth and I had gotten past just a simple greeting. Last week I don’t know why but when he said hello to me I asked him how he was doing. I’ll never forget the smile on his face. I think it had something to do with the fact that it reminded me of that day we were running in the rain.
Outside the classroom, I stopped and took a deep breath. I know Seth will be there, he’s always early. And just like I suspected, he’s siting in the seat up from mine. He looked different today, worried almost. His left hand was folded across his chest and his right hand was folded so that his elbow was resting on the back of his left hand. I also notice he was nibbling on the thumb of his right hand. He looked up, jumping slightly when he saw me. He smiled but his lips barely moved, they just twitched. He waved too, but his hand barely moved.
My feet stopped moving on their own, my mouth opening to ask him what’s wrong but I didn’t bother, I sighed and went to my seat. He didn’t turn around to say hi to me or ask me how my weekend was. “What’s the matter?” I asked, my lips at his left ear before I could stop myself. His neck shifted to the right speedily, and I could tell he didn’t expect me so close or that I would even asked. I mean, why would I?
Peeking over his shoulder, he shook his head. “Nothing. I’m fine.” Liar, I thought sitting back in my seat but didn’t voice my thoughts to him. Why did I think he would tell me what’s bothering him? The bitter part of me and the part that is still angry want to ask myself why I even care. That part is also the stupid part of me that is constantly in denial and the part of me that controls majority of my thoughts and actions.
My phone vibrated, drawing my attention from glaring at the back of Seth’s head. Did you finish that essay you were going on about that’s worth fifty percent of your midterm grade? I read the text from Nigel. I could feel the gears turning in my head as I wondered what the hell he’s talking about. Then it hit me. Freaking Economics.
Shit! I completely forgot. Going home to do it right now. I answered him.
Grabbing my bag, I exit the classroom and went to the parking lot where my car was. This essay was extremely important and I’d rather miss my other classes than get a zero on it.
Wow, bro. How many times do I have to save your life? What would you do without me?
I sent Nigel back a text that just said “middle finger”. He’s probably laughing as he read it. I sighed as I thought of Nigel. He is right, I don’t know what I would do if he hadn’t been there so much for me. I really miss him and I hope he’ll visit me when we both have some time off from school.
Since I’m going back to campus, I parked my car across the street from the condominium and made my way inside. “Hey, Vladimir!” I greeted the doorman. Vladimir is a chill guy; he’s been working in this building longer than I’ve been on this planet. He’s quiet tall, stellar smile, and a few shadows of grey hair here and there and he had a slight trace of a Russian accent. He said he used to be a basketball player back in the days and even brought some pictures to show me.
“Mr. Ortega—”
“Dude, I’m nineteen, I’m no Mr.,” I said chuckling. “Mr. Ortega is my father and I wouldn’t advise you to call him that either”
He laughed, patting my shoulder as he started walking with me. The other guy at the desk took Vladimir’s place at the door. “There’s something different about you,” he wondered aloud then his brows furrowed. “Aren’t you a little too early from school today? I’m old but this pattern isn’t right, no?”
Smiling, I shook my head. I like how he always says no at the end of a sentence when he’s asking for confirmation of something that he knows there’s a ninety percent chance that he’s right. “I forgot to do my paper so I’m going up to write it then go back to school and turn it in.” He nodded his heading and took a deep breath. “How is that beautiful wife of yours and the girls?”
“They’re great, Travis, thank you”
“Say hi to them for me!” I said stepping inside the elevator.
“Will do and say hi to your family too.” Nodding, I waved goodbye as the elevator doors closed. As I waited in the elevator, Vladimir’s words replayed in my head “there’s something different about you”. What the hell does he mean by that? Maybe it’s the fact that I speak now more than I used to. Shrugging, I dismissed the thoughts from my mind as I entered my condo, going straight to my desktop where all my textbooks sat. Three and a half hours later I was done with my eight-page essay and was ready to go back to school. Class started thirty minutes ago but I didn’t give a fuck.
My reflection stared at me as I opened the door to my car. I paused, looking at myself and when I see myself I see Seth and realizing that angered me. I can’t believe I’m doing this again; like the first lesson didn’t hurt enough. It literally broke me. Every time I see Seth or every time I stare at the back of his head and wonder what he’s thinking about, I forget what he did and what happened between us. To make things worst, I lie to my parents about what’s going on in my life and how I’m doing. I don’t even know how I’m doing.
Everything is so jumbled and confusing. To make things more confusing, I found myself searching for the closest Starbucks on my GPS. I’m just hopeless and I don’t know what to do with myself. To my surprise, Seth was the cashier and in all honesty I wished I was invisible, that way I could walk back out the second I saw him.
His whole face lit up when he saw me. My heart was beating rapidly in my chest at the sight of him. I had to remind myself about the conversation I had with myself earlier (I sound crazy). Not again.
“Hey, Travis!” he gleamed at me. Well at least he didn’t look so sad and frightened like this morning.
“Hey,” I responded nonchalantly. “Can I have a Cookie Crumble Mocha Frap, please?” The smile dropped from Seth’s face when I ordered. I don’t know why I asked for that but if I’m being completely honest with myself it has something to do with the anger I’m starting to feel towards him again. And maybe somewhere deep down I wanted to fuck with him a bit. Seth never said anything after that, not even when he gave me my drink and I paid him. Nothing. I’m not sure if I feel bad about doing that. Maybe later on it’ll hit me.
After I turned in my paper I went and got some take out from this awesome Chinese restaurant I found when I was mindlessly walking around one night. I went back to my place to eat. I turned off my phone and watch some action movies while I was at it.
***
Seth wasn’t there when I went to class and that was a bit strange. Actually, I was the only one there. Maybe I was early. Shrugging, I walked to my seat. What happened to his boyfriend? I wondered since I haven’t seen him in class for a long time. Doctor Gomez came in just as I sat and called me up. I groaned internally because I just sat and I’m a lazy little shit so I didn’t want to get up again but I had to.
“Oh good,” he said looking over my shoulder. I looked to see Seth walking in and I wondered briefly what this old man was up to. “Come here Seth.” Seth walked up to us, his cheeks a bright red and he had that look in his eyes that he get whenever he’s nervous or scared. Why the sound of that man’s voice is making him blush? I groaned at the realization. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I even care? “Travis,” the professor called, gaining my attention and that’s when I noticed I was practically drilling holes in the side of Seth’s face the way I was glaring at him. Turning my face towards the professor, I gave him an emotionless look. “You missed some important notes since you were absent the last session we had. Everything you missed is going to be on the next exam that’s going to be on Monday. Since you and Seth wrote about each other and considering what he wrote I don’t think he would mind sharing his notes with you…” he trailed off. I turned to look at Seth and he was an even brighter shade of red now. Seth shook is head, meaning he wouldn’t mind. Dr. Gomez beamed, smiling brightly as he rubbed his hands together. What a weirdo. “All is settled then.”
Scratching the back of my neck, I followed Seth awkwardly to my seat. My eyes betrayed me by checking out his ass. I groaned again. I really need to stop being so fucking confusing. Once sitting, I took my laptop out and put my password in. I went to the iPhoto app where I saved the pictures i had Michaela emailed to me. I especially like the one where she’s wearing her school uniform. I miss them so much. It’s funny in a non-comical way because when I’m back home and my parents go away on business I don’t miss them so much. Maybe I’m just lonelier than I think I am.
Seth turned around but he didn’t say anything. Come to think of it, he does that a lot and since I can’t stand it and it bothers me more than it should with him doing that I always speak to him first. Maybe he does it on purpose. Rolling my eyes, I shut my laptop half way, “What now?” I asked.
“Um,” he started blushing again and I hate when he blushes because he look so freaking cute and adorable and I can’t afford to be thinking about him like that. “I have to work all weekend and I’m going to need my book to study on Sunday…”
“’Kay,” I answered. “I’ll just get the notes from someone else then”
He sighed. “That’s not what I meant, Travis…you know what, forget it. I can meet you in the library after school and then you can copy the notes there.”
“I can’t. I have to Skype with my parents and there’s a huge time gap so I have to catch them before they leave for work”
“Oh…” he seemed to be thinking. “I can come to your dorm, if that’s okay with you. If not I don’t know how else to help you”
“I don’t dorm but you can come to my place…if that’s okay with you?”
“Yeah. When is your last class?”
“I get out at two”
He smiled. “Me too, meet you in front of the library?” I nodded. He smiled again before turning around. Wow. I just invited Seth to my place. But this is for school so it’s no big deal. Huh, I wonder how his boyfriend would feel about Seth coming back to place. Obviously the guy knows about me because of the way he looked at me every time we saw each other.
***
It is a fucking big deal. The silence in my car was deafening and I felt like I had the biggest weight on my shoulder. I thought I was trying to stay away from him. I’m never missing another class again. And Dr. Gomez was so weird. I swear I saw the professor winked at Seth when I left. It’s like they had this big secret that I didn’t know about.
“What did you write on that introductory paper about me?” I asked out of nowhere. I glanced at him quickly, just in time to see him slide down in his seat.
“Nothing,” he mumbled.
“You know, you should really stop lying to me. After everything you’ve put me through you owe me that much after I ask you something! Don’t you think?” I hissed. Reaching over, I turned the radio up. I’m so tired of his shit. And you know, I think it’s going to be really easy to stay away from him if he keeps pissing me off the way he has been doing. Once we got to the garage, I shut the car off and neither of us made a move to get out. Without even looking at him I know I hurt his feelings so I said, “I’m sorry.”
This time I did look at him just in time to see him wipe streak of tears from his left cheek. I crossed my arms over the steering wheel and rest my face on top of them so that I didn’t have to look at him. “It’s fine,” he said, making me look up. “I deserve it.” With that said, he opened the car door and got out. I did the same and started walking towards the elevator with Seth a few steps behind me.
I entered the code in order to get into the building using the elevator. Seth stood in front of me and while I stare at him, I’m not sure what I think or feel. “If you think you deserve it why don’t you just tell me why you left me like you did?” He shook is head. “Suit yourself.”
We were only in the elevator for a few more seconds then we were exiting and walking down the hall to my condo. We entered my apartment and I watched him look around. “Nice place,” he commented. I scoffed at that. Sure, Seth, talk me about how nice my place looks but don’t talk to me about anything else that's important.
“Would you like something to drink or eat?” I offered, completely ignoring his compliment.
“I’m fine, thanks.” I went to get him a drink anyways, knowing that if he wanted it he wouldn’t have told me yes. On my way back to the living room, I went to my desk and signed on to Skype.
I placed the ice tea on the coaster and tossed him the remote. “Watch whatever you want to keep yourself occupied.”
Seth reached into his bag and handed me his notebook. Skipping a couple pages, he pointed to the one dated the day I missed. “Here,” he said then skipped a couple more pages. “To here”
“That’s a shitload of notes,” I commented, gulping in lung full of air.
“Next time don’t walk out of class then. If you’re there already just stay”
I frowned. “Don’t be so quick to judge when you don’t even know why I left”
“Maybe you should take your own advice,” he mumbled. I don’t think he meant for me to hear him but I did and it made me angry.
“Fuck you!” I spat. “How the fuck can you even say that to me right now? You know what, here,” I handed his notebook to him but he didn’t take it. “Just take it and fucking go.” He opened his mouth to say something but the ringing of my computer cut him off. The book was still in my hand and when I notice he wasn’t going to take it I tossed it on the couch and went to answer the call.
“Hey mom!” I greeted, plastering a smile on my face to hide all the other emotions I’m feeling right now. I wasn’t even expecting to here from them for another hour or so since it’s way before sunrise in China.
“Hey baby. You sound angry, what’s the matter?”
Parents…can’t hide anything from them. “I’m fine, mom, just—” Before I could finish what I was about to say I realize Seth was still standing there. I couldn’t say anything to him because my mom would ask me if I had guess and I’d have to lie to her about who it was. “—Stuff with school”
“I thought you liked it there.” I rolled my eyes at that.
“You love dad, don’t you?”
“Of course—”
“He makes you angry sometimes doesn’t he?”
Her mouth formed an O once she realized my point then she giggled. Soon after my dad came on and all three of us had a good chat. Michaela was sleeping so I didn’t get to speak to her this time. That made me sad a little because I really missed her and her foul mouth.
“I thought I told you to leave,” I said to Seth.
“I’m sorry for what I said. Just write the notes, they’re important and I don’t want you to fail because of me.” I huffed but took the book anyways and went to take the notes. It was as much as I thought it was. I handed his notebook to him once I was finish. As he went to leave, I offered to take him home. He had been nothing but kind to me and I actually felt like shit for the way I’ve been treating him whether he deserved it or not. And because I was so grateful for what he did, whether I wanted to admit it or not, I thanked him before he left my car.
Sunday night I studied my ass off for the test. Seth had told me it wasn’t multiple choices so I really had to study. Walking into class on Monday, I was indifferent about seeing Seth. That changed however, when I saw his bruised cheek. It seemed that when it comes to Seth, I’m unable to control what I do or say, which is why I sat down in the seat in front of him and asked, “Who the fuck hit you?”
“No one hit me,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest. His body language said he was being defensive but I didn’t understand why. “My brother and I were wrestling and he accidently elbowed me.” You’re such a fucking liar. I didn’t say anything to him after that. He keeps lying to me and it makes it really hard for me not to resent him and want to have absolutely nothing to do with him.
I finished my test and I was thankful it wasn’t hard. I always felt like a complete failure when I fail my first test of the semester. As I was walking across the quad I heard someone call my name. I turned to look who it was and Seth was jogging towards me. Shaking my head, I turned around and continued to the direction I was going.
“Will you stop?” he asked breathless as he stopped in front of me. Every time I went to move he stepped in the direction, blocking me.
“What do you want?”
“Can we talk?” I raised a brow at him. “About why I left…”
“Oh,” was my smart response.
He nodded. “Meet me in the cafeteria at twelve.” With that, he walked to the direction he was coming from.