All I desire is a night of dreamless sleep. Just one night where I could fall asleep, dream of absolutely nothing, and then wake up feeling well-rested. That doesn't seem like a lot to ask, right?
Well, unfortunately, we can't always get what we want. And it's not like I haven't tried to fix my problems, believe me. My issues with troubled sleep have been going on ever since my childhood. For as long as I could remember I have been plagued by a series of recurring nightmares.
'What's the big deal?' you might ask, 'they're just dreams'.
I wish it were that simple, but the fact of the matter is, that most people don't dream like me. You see, my dreams are vivid, heartbreaking, and even physically painful. When I fall asleep I become lost in another life, endlessly repeating the same events over and over, no matter how hard I try to change my fate.
My name is Diana Massey and for most of my nineteen years on Earth, I've lived a somewhat uneventful life. I mean, I guess you could call my parents dying in a car accident when I was really young eventful but I honestly don't remember it. Because of their untimely deaths, I did end up spending a good amount of my childhood in foster care, until I was eventually adopted. That was when my life started to get better.
The only thing that never seemed to change was my dreams. For years I would try to decode them, the cryptic and erratic pieces of a story told out of order. Images from another time, spoken in gibberish. The story rarely changes and it always begins with an image of the moon.
As my dreams begin, I'm floating far above the ground, my body weightless and free. I am in another body, this one much rounder with long silver hair that dances softly in the breeze. I am dressed in clouds of white fabric, so bright it rivals the glow of the moon. This world is one of endless night skies, peaceful and calm, stretching far beyond the horizon. As I look around I can see nothing but beautiful stars twinkling over a deep, dark ocean. The water below me is so glassy and still, you wouldn't even know it was the sea, if not for the sharp scent of salt and sand.
Softly a voice calls out to me, one that is so familiar and yet beguiling that I yearn to be near its inviting warmth. The sound of the voice comes from the ocean below so I dive in without hesitation, plunging into the water beneath me. As soon as I submerge myself, I can feel the soft caress of the water on my skin and the heaviness of my clothing as it clings to my body. The water is warm and it comforts me. Deeper and deeper I fall into the ocean, the voice still calling me. Suddenly, I feel the heavy clank of a chain against my skin, and I have been halted in my descent. Someone has chained me against my will, the water now feels as though it is crushing me and I cannot breathe. I panic and attempt to free myself to no avail. The voice still calls to me and I'm blinded by a flash of light.
The scene changes and I am another woman, tall, more slender, with long ebony hair. I stand in a forest with trees so tall that they block out most of the sun. It is an ancient forest, heavy with moss and earth that is vibrant, and rich in wildlife. The air around me is thick with the scent of magic and I can feel the eyes of the creatures hidden in the trees all around me. My clothing is rich, soft, and made of velvet. The style of dress I wear is old-fashioned and covers most of my body, all except for the slope of my shoulders and the line of my collarbone. I feel a veil on my face, tickling my skin. I can see before me the hulking shadow of a man. He grabs my wrists and speaks to me in a language I don't understand. Once our hands entwine and excitement rushes through me. I am in love with this man and we're to be married. As he lifts my veil, the scene changes once again.
I am still the same woman but I have been transported to what looks like an old castle. I've been snatched from my husband's protection, held against my will by a new character. He is a silver-haired man dressed in fine clothing and his grip on my wrist is unrelenting. He is yanking me towards him as he yells. I can't understand him but his intent is unmistakable, he is full of hatred. As I try to escape I can see the man's handsome face is splattered in blood. I am so afraid I dare not look him in the eyes. He laughs cruelly and mocks my fruitless struggles. I weep because my husband is dying on the cold, stone floor. Through my tears, I can't see the details of his face, but I know he's in agony. I break free from my kidnapper and fall towards my beloved and as I reach out to touch his outstretched hand the scene changes again.
Now I'm a tiny skinny child, young and full of mirth. I'm running up a winding path, my long purple hair flying behind me. I make my way toward a large stone wall, covered in vines and fragrant flowers. I am in a garden but all the colors of the trees and flowers are strange, almost too bright. I dashed around a small building, hiding behind the corner. Inside is a place for prayer not play so I will not hide inside lest I be scolded. I grin as I think about the secret path, hidden deep below the gardens, one meant for only my family. I raise my eyes skyward to peer at the sun, high in the sky. I'm playing games with my friend, looking for a place to run and hide. I can hear his laughter as he searches for me and it fills my heart with joy. I don't want to hide any longer, I want to sit and play with him under the shade of the giant oak tree. I turn to call to him and stop dead in my tracks. Behind me is the darkness and it rushes over me like a thick fog. The sun is gone and this scene melts into the next.
I look down at my body and I have aged. No longer am I a child, but now a young woman. The air is filled with the sharp metallic scent of blood. I raise my hands to find them dripping with my own life force. I know it's mine because of the pain in my stomach. I stagger back into the arms of a large man. I gaze up at his face and into his brown eyes. This is the face of a person I had forgotten. His eyes narrow in frustration as he shouts something at me, but I can't understand him. The dark man holds me close as we both lower to the ground. He buries his face into my neck and I can feel the warmth of his tears on my shoulder. I am filled with delight even as I lay there dying in his arms. We are both drenched in blood and everything seems to move in slow motion. All around us swarms a dangerous darkness. There are monsters hiding in the shadows. I look up into the sky, the moon is so beautiful. I am dying, but this is not the end. I will return.
That is the point in my dreams when the darkness comes to swallow me, covering every inch of me until I cannot breathe. With the darkness comes an agonizing pain. I can feel myself being torn in every direction and I just want the nightmare to end. There is an evil force hiding in the shadows, and it is coming for me. We're connected, and through this connection, the evil whispers terrible things to me. It takes all my power to resist.
Some say dreams are a composite of our fears or desires, perhaps even a scattering of memories strung together as we sleep. Others believe that dreams might be a glimpse into a past life or a peek into a distant future. To me, they are familiar, like a long-lost memory; a puzzle full of missing pieces. I wish I knew the meaning behind mine, perhaps then I could finally find a way to stop them.