When Stevie woke up the following morning, she found Lindsey's side of the bed to be empty. Slightly disappointed, she reached for her glasses to take a look at the time - 2 pm. No wonder that he wasn't around, anymore. She sighed heavily and made her way into the bathroom to take a shower.
Today was a day off for the band, and she was actually really happy about it. The events of the last couple of days were still heavily weighing upon her mind. She shouldn't have kissed Lindsey last night. Heck, she shouldn't have even let him enter her suite after they had come back from dinner. But as usual, Lindsey had said and done the exact right thing to make all her reservations crumble to dust, and she had let him stay. She wasn't going to lie and pretend she didn't enjoy his company - because she did, a lot actually. She could still remember that he had held her close all night, still felt the soft tiny kisses he had placed all over her hair and face when he thought she had already fallen asleep.
No, the problem was not that she didn't like it but that she liked it too much. Sleeping next to him for two nights in a row had given her a sense of security she had not felt in what felt like forever. Quite frankly, it had always been like that with him, and that was probably the reason why they had never truly managed to stay away from each other in the first place. Being with Lindsey felt like coming home. The smell of his cologne, the sound of his voice, the taste of his lips, his piercing blue eyes that could see right through her, it all was familiar and soothing in a way nothing else could ever come close to. And the fact that she had started to actually crave his presence scared her to death. Because she knew it wouldn't last, it couldn't last.
Christine was right. Even though, they were on tour and could pretend to do whatever they liked, by the end of the year, Lindsey would go back to his wife. A much younger woman he had married and managed to build a home and have three children with. And she would go back to what? An empty house? To making a new record to take her mind off of her loneliness?
No, this had to stop. And it had to stop before she was going to fall in love with him. It had already happened too often, they had reconciled and within a blink of an eye, it had all fallen apart, again. Because that was just the problem with them, they loved too deeply and it became too much for either of them to handle. As much as she always insisted that Lindsey was the possessive jealous one in their ever-present relationship, if she was being totally honest, she was just as possessive of him, just as jealous whenever a woman just dared to take look at him twice.
She could still vividly remember how her stomach had churned whenever she had been forced to watch him interact with one of his many girlfriends, when they had wiggled their little asses on top of his lap, had giggled into his ears, groped at him as if he belonged to them. But none of them had ever known that at night, when they had already fallen asleep, it was her door he had knocked at, her bed he had slept in and her lips he had kissed goodnight after they were done rolling on top of the bedsheets for several hours.
And still, it didn't matter. They weren't thirty, anymore. And today, she was going to tell him just that. That it was nice as long as it lasted but wouldn't happen, again. Because most likely, her very similar words from the night before had lost their meaning after she had kissed him and fallen asleep in his arms. Lindsey had always had great talent for turning her into putty in his hands. He'd look at her with those eyes, say exactly what she secretly wanted to hear, and her resolve crumbled. It always did. She herself was surprised that they had managed to stay out of each other's beds for so long.
Stevie was just about to rinse the shampoo out of her hair when Lindsey's voice ripped her out of her thoughts. "I'm back. Oh, you're awake. Steph? Where are you?"
She cursed under her breath, quickly finished her shower and turned off the water to step out and wrap a towel around her body. It all happened just in time before the bathroom door opened up with Lindsey standing in its frame, "Oh, here you are. I was out for a walk and got us some coffee. Oh, and breakfast." He held up a bag from one of London's best bakeries, a wide grin upon his face.
Stevie just stood there, clutching the white towel to her chest as she stared at him. "Have you lost your mind?", she asked eventually, "Because it sure as hell looks like it." Angrily, she made her way past him back into the bedroom to find some clothes.
Lindsey watched her, clearly confused. "What's wrong with you?"
"What's wrong with me? What the fuck is wrong with you?!", she yelled back.
"Oh god, not this, again.", Lindsey said with a shake of his head and took a seat at the end of the bed.
"Not what, again?"
"I swear, you do this every time. Every single time, I manage to come a little bit closer to you, you get defensive all of a sudden and destroy everything we just built.", Lindsey said and sighed, "I don't get it. Stevie, I don't. The past couple days were wonderful, you said it yourself. I wanted to surprise you, get you your favorite coffee and one of those vanilla éclairs I know you love so much. And what do I get in return?! I get yelled at. Wonderful, just wonderful."
Now, Stevie felt bad. She closed her eyes for a second, then sat down next to him. "Lindsey, this is too much. We're not... you and I, we're not a couple, anymore. How did you even get back in?"
"I borrowed your keycard.", Lindsey replied and held it up for her to see, "Listen, I know we're not a couple, anymore. You don't have to remind me of that every single time I do something nice for you."
Stevie wanted to cry. She really did but not in front of him. "I'm going to get changed.", she said instead, and disappeared into the bathroom for some privacy.
Why did he have to make this even harder than it already was? Didn't he notice how much she was struggling with this whole situation? This wasn't easy for her. As much as it might look like it, pushing him away was never easy. It was actually pretty hard.
She took way longer than needed, got dressed, blow-dried her hair and applied some facial creme to her skin. She then stood in front of the mirror, holding onto the sink with both hands while giving herself a much needed pep talk. "You can do this. You did this before. Just explain the situation and tell him it's over."
"Yeah, you're right. You did this before.", she heard Lindsey reply to her words from the other side of the door, "I can hear you, Stevie. Loud and clearly."
"Fuck.", she cursed.
"Yeah, I heard that, too."
Stevie shook her head, then turned to open up the door and find him sitting on the bed still. "You're not making this easy for me."
"Good.", he just said, then handed over her cup of coffee. He watched her taking a sip, the pleased expression upon her face letting him know that it was just the way she preferred it.
"I'm trying to do the right thing here, Linds. Can't you see that?"
"No. I really don't get how treating me like shit is supposed to be the right thing."
Stevie sighed, "You're married."
"So what? You're acting as if that has ever been a hurdle for you."
"That's not exactly true-"
"Mick, Derek Taylor, Sara's first husband, Rupert Hine", Lindsey started to list, "Shall I go on?"
"I'm not that person, anymore.", Stevie said angrily, her cheeks slightly flushed from him bringing up her mistakes from the past, "I'm not a drugged-up whore, anymore. And if you think I'm going to be yours, you can leave right the fuck now."
"That's- that's not what I meant.", Lindsey was quick to apologize, "That came out the wrong way. I'm sorry. It's just... Stevie, this is..."
"I know.", she whispered, her throat closing up, "I know."
"I have never thought of you as some kind of easy lay. Never." He needed her to know that. When she didn't answer him, he looked to his right, only to find her wiping away a stray tear. "Steph..." She just shook her head. She couldn't look at him. "I feel like a complete asshole, right now."
"You know how I feel about this specific part of my life.", Stevie explained. "I am not proud of it. And to have you, of all people, bringing it up in an argument, that is just...", she couldn't even finish the sentence.
"I am sorry.", Lindsey repeated and she believed him.
"Does it still bother you that much?", she asked, "That I slept around when I was younger?"
"No", Lindsey was quick to reply, then hesitated to admit, "Yes... Yes, it does."
"Why?", Stevie wanted to know.
"I-I don't know," he stammered when Stevie shot him a look, "I really don't know. I think I just never really stopped thinking about you as mine. As cheesy as it might sound, in some twisted way, you always belonged to me."
"I haven't been with anyone in almost ten years.", Stevie said out of nowhere. Since Lindsey had been so honest with her, she wanted to return the gesture. "After that one time we made out during the Say You Will Tour, I called the guy I was seeing at the time, and broke it off. He never understood why."
"You never told me that before."
"I wanted to. But before I got the chance to tell you, you announced that you were going to have another baby."
Lindsey closed his eyes. Her words felt as if someone was twisting a knife in an old wound that had never actually had the time to heal over the years. Stevie was trying to keep it together, tried to keep her voice under control, but little signs, the little signs only he knew how to read, like the way her fingers were playing with the fringe of her top, gave away just how deeply affected she was by their conversation. "I don't know what to say.."
"That's ok.", she said with a sad smile, "Because I know what to say. We won't continue this. I already tried to tell you last night, but I felt as if you were just taking my words for a challenge. This is not a challenge. I am not going to have an affair with you, Linds. I am not. I won't deny that I enjoyed sleeping with you, I did. But it doesn't change our reality. By the end of the tour, you'll still be married and I-...I'll be going home. Alone."
"So what? This is it? We're just going to pretend the last two days didn't happen?", Lindsey looked at her, a mixture of confusion, anger and disappointment showing on his face.
"It's easier that way.", Stevie tried to reason with him.
"No, it's not. It's just easier for you."
"Easy for me?!", she couldn't stop her voice from getting louder, "How is this easy for me?!"
Lindsey slowly shook his head before burying his face in his hands. "I don't think I can do this", he said eventually.
"Do what exactly?", Stevie asked and watched him stand up to start pacing back and forth. When he didn't answer her right away, she pressed on, "What are you talking about?"
"I think you didn't listen to me. I told you last night, I can't and won't pretend the last two nights didn't happen."
"Well, and I am not going to sit here and tell you I want to be your piece on the side, nor am I going to ask you to leave your wife for me. I do have some level of self-respect left, you know."
"And I respect your boundaries."
Stevie looked at him, clearly confused at this point, "I don't get what you're trying to say."
"I can do without the sex."
"Excuse me?!", Stevie's eyes turned wide.
"No, listen to me. I said I can do without the sex, Stevie. We are more than just sex. As much as I enjoyed sleeping with you, if it means I still get to be as close to you like we were the past couple days, I am more than willing to respect your boundaries and give up the sex. I just don't want to lose this, again. You. Us."
Stevie was shocked about his proposition, "This is a joke, right? You can't be serious, Lindsey!"
"What is so wrong about me wanting to be your friend?", Lindsey asked, "We haven't been this civil with each other in ages. We had fun, we talked about things we didn’t dare to talk about in years, even our performances on stage were better. Stevie, I'll turn 64 next month, and as much as it pains me to say, I don't have the libido of a twenty-five-year-old anymore, either."
His last sentence caused Stevie to chuckle lightly, mostly because she had gotten a completely different impression while they had reconciled. "I don't think we can do this."
"Why not?"
"Because being friends never really worked for us."
"Yeah, and why exactly is this the case? I don’t get it.", Lindsey said.
Stevie cocked her head to the side and smiled, "Don't play dumb with me. You just answered that question yourself several minutes ago. Because of the same reason you never stopped being jealous and feeling possessive of me whenever I dated someone else." Now, Lindsey was lost for words for a moment, his mind running a mile a minute as he tried to come up with a proper response, but Stevie beat him to it, "And I feel just the same about you."
He sighed, then came closer to squat down in front of her. Gently, he reached for both her hands to hold them in his, his blue eyes travelling all the way up her body to meet her brown ones, "I don't want to lose you. The last couple days, we were us, again, and I haven't been this happy in a very long time. But I don't want to hurt you, either. If you say, you can't be my friend, I will respect your decision."
"The reason why I'm being so defensive is... I am afraid, if I let you come too close, I won't be able to let you go, again.", Stevie said, she herself was surprised just how honest she was being, "But I will have to let you go, eventually. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Lindsey nodded slowly and watched Stevie biting back her tears. Carefully, he reached out to caress the side of her face. She closed her eyes in response and sighed. "I hate to see you hurting. But what I hate even more is the fact that I am the one causing you pain."
Stevie shook her head, "It's not your fault."
"I don't know what to do.", Lindsey said honestly, "I feel this almost unbearable need to be close to you."
"I know. The feeling is mutual."
"Stevie, I...", but she placed a finger on top of his lips to silence him, and shook her head, sadly. He understood and kissed her finger, instead, which caused her to look away, again. Lindsey wrapped both arms around her waist and buried his face in her lap, her fingers finding their way into his hair almost immediately. He closed his eyes and just breathed her in as he felt Stevie's tears dripping down her face to wet the warm skin of his neck. No words needed to be said at this point, anymore.