"Up. Up."
"But I'm down..?" I blinked back at the small child who had followed me out into the middle of the field. She had been repeating the same word to me over and over, even though I was sitting beneath my usual tree.
"Up." Again, she repeated herself, making grabby hands, and I couldn't help but smile. Reaching out, I picked her up and plopped her in my lap, and she immediately snuggled into my chest.
"Hey, you're the little badass who bit Jean-Boy, aren't you?" I chuckled, mussing up her ashy brown hair. In response, she just bit at the air.
Alright, kids can be a little bit cute sometimes...
"Got a name?" The tiny thing couldn't have been older than three or four, so I wasn't expecting much conversation.
"Odd." Yes, cute but fucking weird. Shrugging off the strange response, I sat back and let the kid snuggle up to me.
"So, do you just say a handful of words, or what? Sorry, but you're an awful conversationalist."
The kid looked up at me with confused eyes. Eyes that just had to be the colour of honey.
"I'm three." Nope, I wasn't having it. I wasn't going to get attached to a little shit. Not a chance. It just wasn't in my nature. Still, it warmed my heart when she closed her eyes, tiny fingers clutching my shirt as she slipped into dreamland. I didn't have any choice but to sit there for an hour or two.
"I see you've met Odette." Glancing up, I came face to face with Historia, flanked by two interior policemen. Not wanting to do the wrong thing, I bowed my head respectfully.
"Your highness...So, that's her name, huh? Kids are weird, but this one takes the cake..." She giggled behind her hand, but I could tell the difference from the past. She was tired.
"Please, (Y/N). We're friends, so outside of official business, just keep calling me Historia." Glancing over her shoulder, she signalled for her guards to leave us be, but they didn't go far. I couldn't imagine how frustrating that kind of thing would be. "I'm glad I found you here. Can...we talk? I just don't really have anybody else to confide in..."
Nodding, I sat myself up a bit, making sure not to jostle Odette too much.
"Sure, I'm all ears." I watched the newly appointed queen adjust her skirt as she sat down, uncaring about whatever dirt and muck that would soil her clothing.
"Commander Hange gave me a letter that they took from Reiner, back in..." She trailed off, seemingly nervous to say the name.
Shiganshina...
"It's fine. Shiganshina. Go on, Kristoria." I urged her, even though it did hurt a bit to think about. Pursing her lips, she began to fiddle with her hands.
"It was a message from Ymir...I won't go into details, but...I can't stop thinking about it. It seemed like more of a goodbye than anything else...(Y/N), do you think that...she's dead..?"
Out of any question she could have asked, it had to be that one. I knew how important they had been to one another. They were in love, there was no other way of viewing it. Glancing down at the sleeping child, I brushed my fingers against her cheek.
"Do you want me to be honest..? Like, completely honest..?"
"Please...I came to you because I know that you wouldn't try to lie to me..." Historia sounded so desperate, but at the same time, I could tell that she already knew. She just wanted confirmation. Releasing a sigh, I looked back over to her.
"Even without reading what she wrote, I'm sorry, but I don't think they would have kept her alive...They would have wanted her titan..."
When she smiled, so melancholic and pathetic, it hurt. Not only because I felt bad for her, but because I was jealous. She could hold it together a lot better than I could.
"Thank you, (Y/N)...I appreciate your honesty..." Clearing her throat, she dabbed at her eyes a little bit with the back of her wrist. "Actually, there is one other thing I need to speak with you about."
Humming, I tensed as Odette shifted in my arms, but immeditely relaxed when she stretched and went limp again, snoring quietly.
"Well, I'm not going anywhere, so shoot." She seemed nervous again, and I didn't like that. I got the feeling that whatever she had to say would have to do with me.
"There...was another letter. From, well...from Reiner...to...you..."
Ah.
I tried not to let my distress show on the outside, but I guess I failed, considering Historia's reaction.
"Oh, I'm sorry..! I wasn't even supposed to tell you..! Hange mentioned it when they delivered Ymir's, and said that Captain Levi had it...He was waiting to give it to you, but I just thought it wasn't fair that you were in the dark, and-"
"You're rambling, your highness..." I cut her off, but not with spite. Instantly, the petit blonde zipped her lips, and I leant my head back, feeling my hair catch against the rough bark of the tree. "So, he has it, huh? I'm kinda glad...It gives me another reason to avoid him..."
Scooting closer, Historia reached out and tucked a strand of Odette's hair behind her ear, moving her hand to rest upon my arm in a comforting 'I'm here for you' manner.
"You're probably so sick of hearing this, but I'm so sorry, (Y/N). I had no idea about...and I can't imagine..."
I guess I don't mind it from you...
"I know it sounds shitty...but it's the fact that Levi did know...and he still chose Armin. That makes me pretty horrible, huh? Wishing somebody else had died instead..? A friend..?" My laugh was an obvious cover for my sadness, and my mouth felt kind of dry. "He can keep the letter and do whatever he wants with it. I don't care what Reiner has to say...and I Levi...I just...can't..."
That had been a lie. Part of me was desperate to know what Reiner wrote to me, but at the same time, I knew I wasn't at all ready for it.
"You're not horrible, (Y/N). Not at all. You have every right to feel the way you do. Nobody can blame you for that."
We sat and spoke for a while longer, changing the subject to how Historia was handling her new royal status. Things were difficult, and certain speak about future plans were distressing to think about. Eventually, she stood up, holding her arms out towards me.
"Here, I'll take her while you get up." She offered, and I carefully transferred the child to her so I could get to my feet. Odette stirred and grumbled, her eyes opening slowly.
"Nuh...nuh...Where..?" When she realised that she was no longer where she had fallen asleep, she began to whine and cry, reaching out towards me. "You! Wan you! Backy!"
Startled by her desperation, I quickly took her back from Historia, blinking in confusion as she wrapped her arms around my neck and settled again.
"Well, shit...You're a leech..." I murmured, contradicting my light insult by rubbing her back gently.
Historia chuckled, motioning for me to walk with her.
"It's nice to see her taking a shine to someone. Usually Odette just bites and claws. When she got here, she could barely even walk, let alone speak." Hearing that broke my heart, and I found myself cuddling the toddler back.
"She bit Jean a while back. I guess I kinda like her, too. Y'know...as much as I could like a kid..."
Nope. Don't you dare get clucky, you dumb bitch.
Once Historia had left, I ended up staying at the orphanage for several more hours, all the while carrying Odette around. She was underweight, but it still took a toll on my back and shoulder, and I had a rough time riding back to the barracks.
The only reason I had returned was because I had duties to attend to early the next morning, and the commute had already been doing my head in. After setting my horse up in the now eerily empty stables, I made my way to the mess hall.
"(N/N)! Join us!" Sasha had spotted me with her eagle eye the moment I walked in, and much to my dismay, almost everybody I least wanted to see were right there with her.
"You finally came back to us, huh?" Connie teased as I took a seat between him and Sasha, keeping my eyes on my stew.
"Just for a bit. I kinda like not having to share a bathroom with an entire army..." I replied, battling to keep my appetite. Jean was opposite me, trying not to stare, but he wasn't doing so well. We had left things on an off note, but to make it worse, Armin, Eren and Mikasa were doing the same thing.
"(Y/N), I just want to say, I'm so-"
"Don't." I cut Eren off quickly, but there was nothing harsh about my tone. "I don't see anything to apologise for. You did what you felt like you had to, and so did I. That's all. We don't need to get into this again." It wasn't exactly the truth, but I didn't want to talk about it, or be the root of any more drama.
"If...this is too out of line, I'm sorry, but could I ask you a question, (Y/N)..?" Armin spoke up in his meek voice, and I gave him my attention. I had a feeling I already knew what he was about to ask. "How long...had you known that C..Commander Erwin was...your father..?"
It was a little insensitive, but there was no point in trying to dodge the question. It was fair.
"Not long. Couple of months. Inside the corps, only us and one other person knew." Having lost my fight, I slid my bowl over to Sasha, who didn't even think twice before digging in.
I was glad when he didn't drag it on, simply thanking me for my response and allowing someone else to redirect the conversation. I zoned out for a while, but quickly came back down to earth when I saw a familar raven undercut enter the building. Our eyes met, and I stood abruptly, startling everyone.
"I need to hit the sack. Busy day tomorrow. I'll catch you guys later." With that, I fled, using the opposite door to where Levi had came in. It was immature, and idiotic, thinking I could avoid him forever, but I knew myself. Forgiving him just didn't seem to be in the cards. It was too soon. Too fresh.
In my eyes, he was at fault.
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***Jean POV***
"Jean. Could I have a word? Outside?" I hadn't expected Levi to approach the table, let alone single me out, but I was quick to agree. I wasn't sure how I felt about him anymore. It was obvious how much suffering his choice had caused (Y/N), but at the same time, I understood.
Once we were outside of the mess hall, I turned to him, attempting to be as polite as I could.
"Sir, what do you need to talk about?" Reaching into his breast pocket, Levi pulled out a folded envelope, offering it to me between two fingers.
"I need you to give this to (Y/N). You were there. You know what it is."
Indeed I did. Reiner had pleaded with both Hange and myself to make sure his letter reached the girl, and I wasn't sure how to react. I didn't want him hurting her any more than he had already.
"With all due respect, Sir...didn't Hange request that you deliver it?" I asked, taking a step back without accepting the paper.
Adjusting his posture, Levi didn't lower his hand. He just continued to look at me expectantly.
"Yes, but you and I both know that she will have nothing to do with me. I'm not dealing with it. It's your problem."
This isn't right...
I knew what I was about to say was stupid, and likely detrimental to me, but I had to.
"No, it's your job. I have no part in it." I made sure my voice was clear and firm, even though I was intimidated. I'd seen what the man could do, to titans and humans.
I stumbled back as he smacked the letter into my chest, still in his hand, glare just a touch more vicious.
"This is an order. If she wants to despise me for what had to be done, then that's fine by me. You will deliver this letter."
I can't believe I'm about to do this...
I felt the captain flinch as I siezed his wrist, my height the only advantage apart from my knowledge. Leaning in, just a fraction, I matched his glare.
"I thought you cared about her, Sir. I must have been mistaken, because if you did, then you wouldn't be running away like this."
Oh, it hit him alright. I was certain I was about to be beaten to a bloody pulp. His lips curled into a grimace, and his hand further scrunched the letter against my chest.
"I consciously allowed her father to die. It was by my hand, Kirstein. I'm not running away. There isn't anything to salvage."
Why was I doing this? Saying these things? It would have been better for me, having their connection in shambles, but it felt wrong. I didn't want them to be together, but at the same time, things just couldn't work if she hated him.
(Y/N) loved Captain Levi, whether it was romantically or not, and seeing the pain in her eyes every time he was nearby hurt me, too. I couldn't stand it. If trying to help that and potentially throwing away my chance of being with her meant she could heal, then that was what I would do.
"Talk to her. Force her into a corner if you have to. You know just as well as I do that you need to talk. If you don't, you won't just lose her. The entire Scout Regiment will fall to pieces. You, (Y/N), Hange, Eren and Mikasa. Armin...you're our strongest. If you two can't even communicate, we're as good as dead once they come back. You know it."
Slowly, as he soaked in what I had said, Levi's arm dropped back to his side, his fist laxing around the letter. His dark eyes searched mine for the longest time, and I stood my ground as best I could. We were rivals, yes, but first and foremost we were comrades.
"You really do love her, don't you..?"
Sucking in a deep breath, I nodded once, my stomach turning and trying to reject my recent meal.
"Just as much as you do. I..I'd like to say more...but I'm not sure yet. Just...I know you mean a lot to her, even if she feels like this at the moment...I don't want her to hurt anymore. She can't lose anyone else..."
Levi sighed quietly, tucking the abused envelope back into his pocket and raking a hand down his face.
"You know she's better off with you, right, Jean..?" Gritting my teeth, I nodded again, stuffing my nerves back into the pits of where they came from.
"I know that, but...that isn't our choice to make, is it?"
As we stared into each others eyes, there wasn't much malice. At least not as much as one would expect between rivals. I could tell he respected my feelings towards (Y/N), and in turn, I respected his.
"Fine. I'll try to speak with her..." Turning on his heel, Levi started back towards the mess hall entrance, pausing by the large, wooden doors to glance back at me. "I'm impressed. That took a lot of balls."
I continued to stand there long after he left, both proud of myself and frustrated. She needed to forgive him, but I just hoped, wished, selfishly prayed...
...that even if she did, she'd still come back to me...
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***Hurr durr, how to wurrd?
I have that Babooshka song stuck in my head on loop but it's all jumbled with the s4 theme song and Choke Me by Corpse and I need to reset my brain.
Also I bought Stardew Valley, named my farm Eld Farm, and named my dog Jean-Boy, because I'm trash.
Next Time: Attempt***