I thought for a moment, chewing on my cheek as I decided how to go about this. My trust in Harry was not fully restored, even if he'd apologized, and my trust in him certainly didn't go far enough to expose everything.
"I will, but I have a few conditions," I began, ignoring the way Harry's eyebrows retreated into his hairline. "First, you can't ask about where I saw the mark. I told you I saw it in a book and you can believe me or not, but that's where I saw it. Secondly, as much as I appreciate your apology, getting over some of the things you said to me is going to take time. Frankly, I don't know if I trust you enough to not insult me, so if you do, even once, that's it. I'm not giving you another chance."
"Deal," Harry said as soon as I'd stopped talking. "As long as you promise not to ask where I found what I was talking to Slughorn about."
"Deal."
Harry nodded, content with our arrangement. "It was...I mean, you heard me telling Slughorn what it looked like. Have you ever heard of the Shadow? I'd barely heard of the Dark Mark at all until our fourth year."
"No, honestly, I haven't. I've been in the dark almost as much as you about a lot of stuff concerning Voldemort since I grew up with the Dursleys. I feel like everyone who grew up with magical parents knows so much about all that," Harry said.
I sighed. "I know how you feel. I went to Slughorn because I was too embarrassed to ask anyone else besides Ron and Hermione, and I didn't want to ask them because..."
"Because they would've told me," Harry finished.
"Yeah. That," I confirmed. "Sorry."
Harry waved a hand. "Don't worry about it. I get it. So...so it's what, a stepping stone to the Dark Mark?"
"Maybe?" I answered, not entirely sure. "Maybe it's an initiation thing? Like if you get the Shadow and prove yourself worthy, then you get the Dark Mark?"
There was really nothing else it could be, but I wanted it to be anything besides that.
"Right, that would make sense," Harry mused. "I just wonder why I've never heard of it before."
"Harry," I started a bit uneasily. "How bad-I mean, are the Death Eaters really as terrible as everyone says? I know that's a stupid question, but no one ever really talks about them and I grew up even more isolated from magic than you."
Harry flinched slightly at my question and I immediately felt remorse. "I'm sorry, Harry. God, what a stupid-"
"No, it's okay," he insisted, but he didn't look like it was. "They are...they're awful, Elaine. They...I mean, you know they killed my parents," Harry said softly. "They killed Sirius, too. And my grandfather. And so many other people."
"Are...have any of them ever..."
"Defected? Snape did," Harry said, and I had to fight my body to keep my reaction hidden.
No, he didn't, I wanted to scream. Even if he were playing double agent, anyone would have a hard time convincing me that his true alliance didn't lie with the Dark Lord.
"Sirius' brother...there's rumors," Harry admitted. "I...I've discovered a lot about him while I've been...researching this year."
"But no one else?"
Harry shook his head. "Not truly, no. After the first war, people claimed they were under the Imperius Curse or something similar, but...I don't believe them for a moment. Besides, anyone who wanted to defect would likely be killed before they even got the chance."
"Oh," I responded quietly. So Draco had less of a chance to escape than I thought.
If he even wanted to, that is. And he seemed pretty deadset that this was the path his life was meant to follow. I hated the sadness that squeezed my throat. Draco had done bad things, most of them to me, and maybe it was stupid or naive, but I truly believed he still had good in him.
He still deserved redemption. He still deserved to be saved.
"Elaine," Harry said gently. "You- and don't get angry, please- you shouldn't be looking into this stuff. It'll draw attention to you, attention from bad, bad people. It isn't safe to even think about learning more about it."
I opened my mouth, but Harry stopped me. "I know this year has been unkind to both of us. I've been unkind to you. But I don't..." Harry stopped, swallowing roughly. "I can't lose you, okay? Do you know that? I cannot lose another person I consider family."
Tears pricked my eyes once more as sorrow overwhelmed me. "Harry, you aren't going to lose me."
"I could," Harry said shortly. "Practically everyone else has been taken from me, why not you, too? You're the only person who truly understands what life with the Dursleys is like. Some days, even when we were apart and fighting and I was so angry at you, I just wanted to talk to you, even for a moment."
I had felt the same, and I understood why. Harry and I, though it was due to an unfortunate circumstance, shared much more than our other friends. "I know, I get it," I told him. "But I can't just sit by and watch as the world falls to shit when there's even the smallest chance that I could help save it or help fix it. I know you understand that, too, so don't even think about telling me otherwise, Potter."
Harry shot a small grin my way. "You know me too well, Adler." His grin faded quickly as he said, "But I'm still scared. I don't want you to put yourself at risk, especially if..."
"If what?"
"If it isn't worth it," Harry revealed.
Without hesitation, I replied firmly, "It is worth it."
Because Draco was, and I was beginning to suspect that he always would be to me.
-------
After wrapping up our conversation and catching up briefly about what we'd missed during our time apart, Harry and I said goodbye as he went to practice and I made my way to the library. The world may have been going to hell in a handbasket, but it would take more than that to shake my study habits from me.
The library was scattered with students, their noses stuck in various books or smudged with ink as they wrote, but the only thing my eyes could concentrate on was the head of blonde hair sitting at one of the tables in the very back. Draco's spot, the one I'd seen him in so often, was nearest to the massive windows that shed yards of golden sunlight onto the library.
His blond hair seemed to glow in the light, and though I shouldn't have, I took a moment to drink in his elegance. I so rarely had any time to truly appreciate how beautiful Draco really was without being caught or snapped at by him.
The curve of his shoulders as he slumped, the gentle breath he let out to blow away a strand of hair dipping low into his face, was more familiar to me now that my own movements. Draco...he was truly a sight to behold, and he was mine.
Was he mine?
I wanted him to be.
I didn't know if I should approach him or not. It was still such a mess, trying to decipher where I stood with him. Alone, just the two of us, I knew what I meant to him. I knew where I could be. But around others, I was never sure. Draco, even as he slowly became one of the most important people in my life, was still an enigma to me.
That was part of the intrigue, though, wasn't it?
I continued walking towards the back of the library, desperate to find some reason to speak to him before I got to his spot. He seemed consumed by whatever text was propped open in front of him, his pale nose wrinkled with concentration.
A hand tapped my shoulder, causing me to turn as I wound through tables just a few metres away from Draco. "Elaine," Luna's dreamy voice said. "How lovely to see you."
I couldn't help the smile that burst across my face. "Luna! It feels like ages since I've seen you."
"Funny, isn't it? We share a dorm, but you've been so lost in your own world that you hardly talk to any of us," Luna mused.
My eyes darted to Draco, then back to his distant relative. "I know, I'm sorry for that. It's been...a hard year," I admitted.
Luna smiled gently at me. "It has for you, more than most. I can't imagine how many Nargles have been flying around you. It must feel like your brain is always foggy," Luna said. "You know the best cure for Nargles?"
"What would that be?"
Luna gestured to Draco, who was still oblivious to the conversation happening not far from his seat. "Sometimes, it's best to let someone else deal with them. Take away that stress you always carry in your shoulders."
"What- I-"
"It's okay, Elaine," Luna assured you. "I know. My mother was a Seer. It runs in the family, did you know that? It's easy to see this sort of thing. It's like a line between the two of you, like a little thread. Harry and Ginny have the same thing. Ron and Hermione, too."
I felt my heart stutter at Luna's words. "A thread?"
Luna nodded, her pale hair rippling softly. "A connection. Yours is different than most, though."
"Different how?" I asked, finding it hard to chide myself for my eagerness.
"Most connections are...straight, with maybe a few waves," Luna informed me, her radish earrings swinging as she shrugged. "Yours is all tangled. Must be giving you quite a hard time, isn't it?"
A hard time, indeed. "How- I mean,-"
"Time," Luna said simply, as if it were the most obvious answer in the world. "It'll stop being so messy with time."
With a whimsical smile, Luna pulled me in for a short hug before saying, "Lovely to see you, Elaine. Don't let those Nargles in anymore. They're such pests."
I stood, feeling rather dumbfounded, as Luna left, her curly hair flowing behind her as she moved. Luna had her moments where I wanted to roll my eyes at her ridiculousness, but this?
This was unlike anything she'd ever said to me. I hated it, but I was partially inclined to believe her solely because she knew there was something between Draco and I. No one else did, because I hadn't uttered a word to anyone, and as much as Draco had changed, he was still Draco. He would never tell anyone outright about us.
Time would untangle our thread, Luna had said. But did we really have much time left?
Suddenly, the large, open library seemed nothing more than a broom closet, as if the walls were closing in on me. My chest felt heavy, tight, and my stomach sunk as I watched Draco work. His sleeve had slipped up, revealing that still-red burn pressed into his flesh.
No, we certainly did not have much time left.
Turning quickly, I escaped the library as hurriedly as I could without Madam Pince reprimanding me, needing to get away from--
From everything, but mostly from Draco. From the reminder that my life, my relationship with him had an expiration date as long as that mark remained on that skin. As long as Voldemort was alive. Not for the first time, I cursed myself.
For letting it get this far, for letting myself fall for Draco. For letting myself get hurt. It wasn't that I regretted Draco. I could never regret anything about him, and I had meant that when I said as much to him.
I regretted that Draco was Draco and that I was myself and that there wasn't a future that I could see where we could be together.
Needing Draco was like a burning underneath my skin, one that was only satiated by him, but I couldn't have him forever, could I? I could barely have him now.
My feet had been guiding me without direction, but as soon as I paused, I knew where I was. The painting that hung across from the seemingly empty expanse of wall was the same as it had been when I'd first found Draco, when I'd gone here after Christmas, when I'd saved Draco's life from Harry's violent outburst.
And it seemed that Draco had known where I was going to go, too. His face was unreadable, but his chest was heaving a bit as if he had been rushing somewhere.
Rushing after me, I realized. If I had been in a better, less frantic state, I would've been flattered.
I hadn't even realized he'd noticed I'd been in the library at all.
I felt my chest seize once more, and I had the faint thought in the back of my mind that I was likely having a panic attack, much like the one Hermione had had fifth year right before O.W.L.s. Draco's grey eyes narrowed as I squeezed my own shut, as if I could block out the anxiety that was pressing down on me.
It wasn't working, though. My hands were shaking, my breath was rattling in my lungs, and Draco was just standing there and I couldn't be near him right now, not when it wouldn't be long before he left me entirely.
"Go away," I told him shakily, trying to force as much conviction into my words as I could.
Draco, the stubborn bastard, shook his head.
"Go away," I repeated, this time with more desperation.
"No," Draco answered shortly. "Not when you look like you're going to pass out."
"I'm fine," I insisted, even as my chest ached and every noise, every sensation felt like too much. "Go, please."
Draco merely shook his head again, mumbling something to himself as he neared me. I gritted my jaw, willing myself not to reach out and collapse in his arms. "Elaine, let's get you sitting down and then we can talk about why you seem like you're going to hyperventilate until you make yourself pass out."
A scraping sound came from the empty wall across from us as the Room of Requirement revealed itself to us. Draco motioned me to follow him, and when I stood my ground, he sighed exasperatedly and grabbed my wrist, tugging me after him.
He pushed the door open, revealing his room, the one with the piano and the fireplace and the books and the cabinet that I barely had energy left to worry about.
Guiding me to a soft armchair that rested in a corner near the fireplace, Draco sat me down, looking at me with a concerned expression.
"Tell me what's wrong," he said.
I kept my mouth closed, unable to focus on words as I felt my breath quicken to a pace that concerned even me. Draco summoned a glass of water, forcing it into my hand and telling me to drink. I took the glass with a shaking hand, and as his fingers brushed mine, I felt the wave of panic crash over me once more.
I stood up quickly, causing the water to slosh over my clothes. "No, no, I-"
Draco took the glass from my hand, setting it aside, before wrapping me in a hug so tight that I swore my ribs were going to break.
I froze as it dawned on me that this was the first time Draco had ever hugged me. Without thinking, my arms flew to wrap around his torso, gripping him almost as tightly as he was holding me. His smell, the one that had been my undoing more times than I wanted to admit, enveloped me as I let him hold me.
I didn't let anyone hold me, not really. On rare occasions, Harry had. Hermione and Cho maybe once or twice, but no one else. I normally didn't care for it, but with Draco, it felt different.
It wasn't like he was trying to console me or that he pitied me. It was like he was helping me hold myself together even as I was trying my best to break apart.
He was warm, solid, and I held onto him as if I'd never get the chance to do so again. I wanted to memorize every moment of this hug, even as the fog of panic still shadowed my mind, because I cherished this.
Because there was nothing I cherished more than Draco. Than moments like this with him, where nothing existed outside of him and I.
My breath slowed to a rate that no longer had my chest burning, and I could feel my mind settling into a calm stream instead of a roaring river. Still, I held onto Draco, and he held onto me as I picked myself up and let him put the pieces back together.
A laugh bubbled up in my throat as I felt the warm presence of drying tears on my face. Draco pulled back, his face riddled with concern as he looked at me like I was insane.
"You...just hugged me," I said incredulously, my words muffled as my face pressed into his chest.
"Very astute observation, Adler," Draco said. "And that's funny because?"
"Because," I laughed. "We've had sex, but that was the first time you've ever hugged me. We had sex before you hugged me."
Draco rolled his eyes, but I could've sworn a grin was lurking behind the annoyed line his mouth was pressed in. "Now that you're not on the verge of having a breakdown, will you please tell me why you were acting so strangely? Unless you want me to take you to Madam Pomfrey and make sure you haven't gone mental."
I stepped back from him then, immediately regretting it as soon as his arms dropped from me. "I haven't gone mental," I retorted. "It's called a panic attack. Haven't you heard of that?"
Draco shrugged. "I've had a few in my day."
"Oh," I responded, with less fire than before.
"Why were you panicking?" Draco asked, quickly shifting away from his answer. "Let me guess, bad grade on a test?"
I knew that this was Draco's own odd way of diffusing tension and getting me to relax, but it still irked me. "I don't get bad grades," I objected.
"Then what?"
I couldn't tell him I'd been so scared about the fact that I was inevitably going to lose him, could I? Surely, he would make fun of me for it.
Wouldn't he?
Draco grabbed my chin gently, making me look up at him. "Elaine, tell me, or I'll find some Veritaserum and make you tell me."
I knew by the look of conviction in his eyes that he was not joking at all. I had no inclination to be under the terrible influence of that vile potion, but I could barely get my thoughts straight enough to figure out what I wanted to say.
I bit my lip, but Draco used his thumb to tug it from between my teeth. "You can't keep secrets from me for long. You know that."
He was right, I thought to myself with no small amount of annoyance. "You...please don't make fun of me, okay?"
The smallest flicker of hurt flashed in Draco's silver eyes as he nodded. "I would never."
I raised my eyebrows at him and he amended his statement. "I would never in this particular moment," Draco acquiesced, which made a small flash of amusement ripple through me, cutting at the anxious cloud inside of me.
"I saw you in the library," I began, making no effort to remove his hand from my face. His touch was steadying, grounding, and I needed that right now.
"And Luna came up to me, and told me that her mom was a Seer, though you probably knew that," I said, causing Draco to nod. "She said that you and I...that we're connected with some sort of...thread that we can't see."
"And you panicked because Luna told you we have a bond?" Draco asked incredulously. "You wound me, Elaine."
"No, you git," I snapped. "Let me finish. She told me we have a thread- or bond, whatever- and then..."
Now, the hard part. What could I say? And then I proceeded to panic so much I couldn't breathe because I can't stand the thought that I'm going to lose you?
"And then?" Draco encouraged.
"And then," I repeated, "I...realized that...you and I have an expiration date. That this..." I paused, letting myself drown in the feeling of his hand on my skin. "This isn't...it can't be the endgame, you know? It isn't...there isn't a future where we last."
Draco suddenly stepped away from me entirely, making my mind call out for his touch as he pulled his hand back. "We have an expiration date?" He asked coldly.
Angrily.
"Don't we?" I asked. "Your father would likely just as soon kill me as he would let me even enter your house, let alone accept that I'm dating you. You...you're going down a path, Draco, and I..."
Tears pricked my eyes, and instead of holding them back like I always did, I let them fall as I looked at the boy that I was so in love with it hurt. "I can't follow you."
Draco didn't say anything, but I wasn't done, because words began pouring out of my mouth. "It hurts, Draco. Fuck, I-I want to follow you. I don't care where it is. I want to be with you. I-I somehow can't imagine a world where you aren't a constant pain in my ass and I really can't imagine a world where I don't..fuck," I swore, my words catching on a sob that ripped out of my chest. "Where I can't remember what it feels like to kiss you. We don't...I don't fit with you. I want to, Draco," I whispered.
"I want to fit with you. I want the confusion and the anger and the hurt and the late nights and the danger and the feeling I get when you touch me like I've been hit by lightning," I babbled. "But-but I don't. And it hurts. It hurts, because," another sob, one that took longer to pull back in, "because I know that this is going to end. I know that you're going to leave me, even though there's nothing really to leave in the first place since I don't even know what we are."
I took a shuddering breath, figuring I might as well let it all out while I was here. "I fucking love you, Draco, and the thought of losing you, because I know I'm going to, makes me feel like my heart is being torn from my chest and ripped apart, bit by bit."
Looking up at Draco, I saw he was opening his mouth right as the heavy, dark door to the Vanishing Cabinet swung open, revealing a witch who smiled at Draco with yellowed, broken teeth. Draco subtly stepped in front of me, as if he could hide me from the woman's dark eyes.
"Nephew," Bellatrix Lestrange drawled. "How delightful to see you. I must say, you did one hell of a job on this cabinet."
Stepping out of the cabinet, Bellatrix's eyes landed on me, causing a shudder to tear through my body. "And who might this little witch be?"
She noted the way Draco was standing slightly in front of me and the stupid tears I'd let loose that were still wet on my face. With a grin that screamed evil, she clapped her hands, and even while doing such a childish action, I couldn't help the fear that filled me.
"Oh, I know, I know," Bellatrix crooned. "This is the little Mudblood bitch Snape caught spying on him!"
My stomach dropped as she recognized me, and Draco's hand twitched towards his pocket where his wand was tucked. Bellatrix noted the movement and narrowed her eyes, her wild hair falling in her eyes as she glared at me. "I think the Dark Lord would be very pleased indeed if I were to bring her to him, don't you think, Draco?"