I hadn't stayed after the ceremony.
After Eren had some strange kind of episode whilst kissing Historia's hand, I fled the palace, leading my horse off into the market square to pick up some things for Verena. It was the very least I could do for her. She worked hard, and there was very little meat besides poultry and rabbit where she lived within Wall Rose. She deserved something nice.
Packing the salted pork and some beef chuck steaks into my saddlebag, I also purchased her a pretty, sheer shaul, as well as some fresh bread. One thing Verena prided herself in was her cooking. It kind of reminded me of Jean's mother. Every time I had attempted to help, she had shooed me away, insisting she wanted to be the one to provide for me.
"You're home early, love! How was it?" She greeted me with a smile, already on me and removing my coat before I had even shut the door.
"Tense...A lot was said before it started..." I sighed, holding up the bag of goods. "Fresh meat, bread, and a little something extra." Of course, I was given a lighthearted lecture about not spending my money on her, but she was thankful.
"So, did you speak with Captain Levi? I understand if you didn't, but I think it would benefit the both of you if you sat down and had a heart to heart." She hummed as she tottered into the kitchen, and I followed her, leaning against the door frame.
"I...don't think it's a good idea yet...I know I'll say something I shouldn't. The last thing anyone needs right now is more shit-"
"Language!"
"Sorry...Uh, well, you know what I mean. I can't even talk to the others right now...not after today. I just need time..."
Problem is, I'm not sure how much of that we have left...
Verena, after placing the food down upon the counter, walked up to me and took my face in her hands, her warm, motherly gaze easing my mind, just a little.
"Sometimes, you just need to say what's on your mind, no matter how brutal it may be. He'd understand, love. That man has a cold front, but I'm sure he needs to speak, too."
I let her fawn over me for a while, squishing my cheeks and fixing my hair, but eventually I stepped away, stretching my arms over my head.
"I think I might go for a ride. Do you mind? I might not make it back in time for dinner." I felt bad, but I needed space. A while to just think, and be.
"I'll be sure to save you a plate, dear. Just stay safe, and try not to do anything too reckless, okay?" She gave me a tight hug, and I smiled a little, reciprocating just as hard.
"Okay, I"ll try..."
That may have been a little white lie.
At the outer gate of Wall Rose, I waited patiently for the Garrison to let me out. Now that I was an official captain, and because Hange, the new Commander, had given me permission, I didn't have to have a reason to leave.
It was a silent agreement, but I appreciated it. The others would worry, but they weren't my concern. I knew my way around, and there were fewer titans these days. There was nothing to worry about.
"(Y/N)! Wait up!"
Except that.
Internally groaning, I glanced over my shoulder to find Jean jogging up beside me, panting as he leaned against my horse's flank.
"Something wrong?" I asked with a sigh, giving him a chance to catch his breath.
"Uh, yes?! You're seriously going out on your own? Again?!"
Rolling my eyes, I felt kind of bad for not wanting to speak to him. He hadn't done anything wrong, but I felt like I just couldn't be around him, or any of them.
"I know what I'm doing, and you know it. Just a quick trip, and I'll be back before nightfall."
Jean's eyes were searching the depths of mine, and I felt even worse. He was worried, and it didn't help that I refused to talk about it.
"Then I'm coming with y-"
"Nope. You're staying put, Kirstein." I cut him off quickly, backing my horse up a few paces as the gate began to open.
"Like hell I am! You're obviously going through a lot right now, and I get it, but going out there alone is just..!" He ended his sentence with an exasperated gesture, and I softened. Reaching out, I ran my fingers through his copper hair, lingering for a moment.
"That's exactly why I need to do this. You told me to trust you, right? Then you're gonna have to trust me, too."
I know what I'm doing.
He didn't like it one bit, but he knew there was nothing he could say or do that would stop me. Instead of arguing like he usually would have, he heaved a defeated sigh and placed his hand on my leg, squeezing gingerly.
"F..fine...just...promise me you'll be careful..?"
I had no plans on dying today, but he didn't know that, so I gave him a nod, finally pulling my hand away from his hair.
"I'll be back soon. You better not wait around here for me." He walked with me as my horse began to move, causing me to stop again. "Jean, I've gotta go-"
"When you get back, let's go out again. We can talk...or just...I dunno...exist together for a while..." As I stared down at the man, I ignored the Garrison troops yelling at me to hurry up. I knew what he wanted.
"Jean...I think for now...it's best if we just pause whatever this is..."
It's for the best.
He looked like he was ready to argue, but I didn't give him the chance, kicking my horse off into a gallop, leaving him in the dust.
"For now..!" Out the gates, we sped up, not looking back.
It felt different. If I had been riding Boy, it may have been like old times, but now I could feel the chains linking me back to the walls. Rattling and clanging behind me as I rode out into what had once been my element. Nothing about me was free anymore.
On and on I rode, keeping a close eye out for titans. I spotted one or two from a distance, but avoided them. I didn't have my gear on, anyway. Stupid, but I didn't care. This wasn't an expedition. About an hour passed, and I passed through the first towering trees of the titan forest, memories rushing back to me.
I hated that place, but I had to be there. My venture hadn't been without cause. Down the path, one I had ridden before, I kept my eyes ahead, trying to stay focused. The speeches about trust, the pounding footsteps from behind, the panic. It was all fresh.
After another while of riding, I pulled my horse to a screeching halt, sliding off and staring at the splintered tree trunk to the side.
Petra...
Taking in a shaky breath, I forced myself to move forward. Slow, hesitant footsteps, bringing me closer to my destination. Looking up into the dappled canopy, I could see my broken, abandoned gear from all those months ago, dangling and rusted.
Each step was heavy, and it felt like I maybe couldn't make it, but finally, I reached that particular tree. Between me and the twisted trunk, a vibrant glow in the dark depths, grew the most beautiful flowers, right where my love had perished.
Eld...
Taking a knee, I couldn't take my eyes off of them. There were no other flowers anywhere, so why here, of all places? Right where his body had dropped?
"H..hey..." Was I stupid? Talking to nothing? No, it wasn't nothing. I could feel something. "It's been a while...I'm sorry it took so long..."
Nothing but the sounds of insects and creaking bows could be heard. I knew I would never get a response, but I was there. I had a lot to say.
"It should've been me...You just had to be the hero, huh..?" I sighed, already starting to choke up. "I honestly thought I'd have joined you by now..."
Not that I want to die...
The afternoon rolled on, and I just stayed there, talking into the nothingness. I spoke about my problems, each and every one of them, all the while staring into the yellow of those beautiful flowers. It helped. I felt calmer by the second, and even though I was sad, kneeling where he had passed, I knew this was good for me.
Closure.
"I should probably get going...Your mother will be waiting for me. You were so lucky to have someone like her..." I murmured, swallowing back the urge to cry. "I guess...this is goodbye, huh? Will...you keep on watching over me..?"
From a different view..?
Closing my eyes, I forced myself to stand and turn away, making my way back over to my horse and giving her a gentle rub on the forelock. I didn't want to leave, but I knew if I didn't now, I would never want to, and that wouldn't benefit anybody.
Mounting my the mare, I turned back to look at the flowers one last time, swallowing as I saw them quiver in the light breeze. My heart was heavy in one way, but so much lighter in every other. It was hard, but I had to move on. Without him.
"Goodbye, Eld...Thanks for loving me..."
.
.
.
.
.
***I just...I love him so much, okay? 🥺
First step in moving on...but will it work out?
🤷🏼♀️
Next Time: Standoffish***