Life beyond the world of walls, huh?
I had been thinking about it ever since we had returned after listening in on the others when they had gotten back from their trip to the cellar. With our horses decimated, we had ridden Eren back to Wall Rose, and I had kept to myself. The cheers of the people, praising what they saw as a victory, had almost been to much. I had escaped that as soon as possible.
Almost two weeks had passed since then, and between lengthy, droning court meetings and discussions about Grisha Jaeger's notebooks, I bided my time hiding out at Verena Jinn's. I told her everything, from my personal issues to the reveal and death of my father, and she treated me no different. If anything, she seemed to treat me even more like her own daughter.
"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you, dear?" I watched our reflections as Verena stood behind me, combing my (H/C) hair out. I had been summoned to the palace for an awards ceremony. The few survivors of the Shiganshina expedition were being praised for their bravery, and I hated the idea of it.
"Thanks, but I just...I don't want this to be a big deal..." I confessed, my leg bobbing, crossed over my knee. "There isn't anything heroic about sending hundreds to their deaths...or anyone..." Humming her solemn understanding, Verena stepped back and motioned for me to stand and follow her. Doing as instructed, I watched her pull something out of the closet.
"This was one of Eld's formal uniforms. He had two, so I took the liberty of adjusting it to fit you." She explained, her smile soft and kind. Swallowing hard, I stared at it, both touched and grief-stricken.
"Rena...I...you didn't have to..." It meant more than she could have ever imagined. It was her late son's, so the fact that she had changed it, just for my sake, was enough to nearly make me burst into tears.
"I wanted to, and I'm sure he would have suggested it himself if he were here. Now, try it on, love! At least let me get a good look at you before you head off!" Obliging her, I took off my cardigan and slipped it on, letting her do up the buttons and admire the sight of me. "Oh, you look gorgeous...I feel like a proud mama again..."
A mother...
Releasing a shaky breath, I pulled her into a tight hug, squishing my cheek against her bosom. It wasn't exactly like home, but it was close enough. It was something I needed. A mother figure, to keep me grounded. She hadn't taken a step back when I had admitted to realising new romantic feelings. She had soothed me, given advice, even praised me.
"Darling heart, you're going to make me get all emotional!"
Clearing my throat, I parted from her, using the heel of my hand to wipe at my glossy eyes.
"Sorry...okay, I guess I better head off. Thank you, Verena. I mean it. Do, uh, you want me to get anything while I'm gone? They have good meat in the capitol."
Making sure that I had everything important, I checked myself over. Marco's bracelet, Eld's hair tie, Erwin's bolo tie and his patch. Everything was there.
"No need to go out of your way, dear. It's already such a busy day for you." She started out of the room, and I waved over my shoulder as I headed towards the door.
"Alright, I heard venison and pork!"
I had chosen to ride to the capitol on a horse I had borrowed from the Survey Corps stable, taking my time so I didn't have to mingle with the guests before the ceremony. We didn't deserve medals. We didn't deserve praise. Most of us shouldn't have even been alive.
The trip took less time than I would have liked, and I dawdled to and from the stable, even taking the time to feed and water my horse before entering the palace. Even the corridors were bustling, and I kept my head down, making my way to the throne room.
"(Y/N)! Hey, over here!" Jean was the first to see me, and much to my dismay he brought attention to me with his shout. Internally groaning, I made my way over, opting to stand between Sasha and Connie. Both Eren and Mikasa looked at me, almost in a nervous way.
So they should be...
I had been glad to find out they had each served cell time for insubordination. It served them right, after pulling the shit they had, and I didn't care if that meant I was a hypocrite.
"I heard about what you did, Floch, and how hard you fought to ensure Erwin would be revived..." Armin started, and I instantly felt the weight of the situation.
I arrived at the wrong time.
"That's right. You should be dead." Floch responded, turning to face the blond front on. "I'm not alone in thinking that. All of us do. Everyone who read that report had the same thought. Why wasn't Erwin the one that was saved?" He was right. When we had been in the court rooms, discussing our discoveries about the rest of the world, I had felt it. Everybody wanted our commander back.
"What do you know about Armin to justify saying that?!" Eren, of course, rose his hackles, jumping to defend his friend.
"Yeah, you're right. I'm not a childhood friend of his. Hell, I'm not his friend at all, but I can still tell you why he's the one standing here now. It's because you two got emotional, and Levi did the same."
He's right...
"You made an irrational choice. You treated that syringe like it was yours, and wasted it. He's alive because you think your friends are more important than the rest of us." When Eren began to advance, I stepped out in front of Floch, hands in my pockets.
"He has the right to speak his mind, Jaeger. Don't cause a scene."
At first, he seemed taken aback, as though he honestly thought that my opinions had changed in two short weeks, but his eyes quickly narrowed.
"I think it's time you both shut your mouths." That irritated me. All I had done was try to diffuse the situation, despite having plenty to add.
"Eren, I bet even at your core you're always completely certain that you're in the right. That's why you wouldn't give up." Floch continued anyway, and I nodded in agreement, shifting to stand by his side.
"You're like a little kid who won't listen to reason. I would know." I added, catching a glimpse of Armin's expression.
I didn't want to hurt him, but I couldn't lie. It wasn't like I wasn't glad he was alive. I just didn't agree with the choice that was made. It wasn't anything against him as a person. Mikasa placed a hand on Eren's shoulder and tugged him back a little.
"Eren, just leave him be." She urged firmly, but Floch wasn't done.
"At least Mikasa acted like an adult out there. I saw her give up, in the end." That, in my opinion, had been unnecessary. A harsh addition to an already unstable debate.
"What the hell is wrong with you guys?" Jean pushed his way between the three of us, pushing the men away from each other. "Floch, (Y/N), let's not do this here. This isn't just an award ceremony. It's a memorial for our fallen comrades."
"What's done is done," Connie piped up, stepping closer. "so there's no sense in dredging it up again." I felt Floch tense beside me, and I considered stopping him myself, but part of me didn't want to. He was acting as an extension of my own voice.
"As for you two, you may not have intervened, but you didn't try to stop Eren and Mikasa either. You didn't do anything but watch. I pleaded for Erwin's life, and (Y/N) fought for it, even when she was injured."
I quickly looked away when Jean's eyes flitted to mine, widening slightly in realisation.
"Medals? For what? A memorial for who? When you guys start rebuilding the survey corps, you better tell the recruits the truth. I sure will." I muttered, my skin starting to feel clammy. "What the hell are we supposed to do now that we've lost Erwin..?! I know we're all expendable, and that our lives are given for a cause, but we should be able to call it how we see it, and decide if this cause is worth dying for..."
There was a strong, uncomfortable silence as they took in our words, and I turned to give Armin my full attention when he spoke up.
"I think Floch and (Y/N) are right. Commander Erwin is the one that should have been saved..." He murmured, eyes cast to the floor. "I bet he could've turned this situation around...I can't though..."
Our words had hurt him, but it had to be said. We had our right to speak up, even if nobody else had the guts to agree.
"How can you be so sure of that?" Eren turned to him, voice firm. "I don't know what choice was right, so I won't pretend to. None of us know what the future might hold. I mean, we can barely imagine. Think about it. If we rode straight from Wall Maria, what would we find?"
I turned at left the group immediately. I knew what was about to be said. The sea. That damned sea. Likely one of the factors in swaying Levi's decision. Eren had mentioned it so pathetically back on that rooftop in Shiganshina. I noticed the Captain in question as I walked away, but kept my head down, veering towards a different direction so I wouldn't have to walk past him.
Levi was watching me. I could feel it, but I wasn't ready to speak to him. I was already struggling to keep my emotions in check, so I knew that would rock me in the worst way. Months of built up trust had crumbled to dust with one decision, and I wasn't sure I could ever forgive that.
Stationing myself by the far wall, far away from any conversation or commotion, I closed my eyes and reached to hold the emerald of my treasured bolo tie, whispering under my breath towards its reflective surface.
"Dad...I'm gonna need all of you to teach me how to move past all of this..."
.
.
.
.
.
.
***A moth flew directly down my throat whilst writing this. Just thought ya'll would like to know that.
No, it didn't come back out.
We are one now.
Next Time: Watching Over You, From a Different View***