I helped Luke about his problems with his sister. I did everything just to show him and prove them that it was Dred who is the problem. He's having a hint already but I think he's still holding on with their friendship. 'Yon ang pumipigil sakaniya.
Kinausap ko na rin nga si Lucia tungkol don sa pagpapanggap ng pinakamamahal niyang kaibigan, pero may 'pagkaslow ang isang 'yon. Hindi pa magets. Nagagawa nga naman ng tiwala, ano? It keeps you blinded.
"Thank you man. Balitaan kita kapag may nangyari ulit."
"Ge lang. Si Lancie puntahan mo rin. Tignan tignan mo 'yon." I told him. Malakas ang kutob ko na nabuntis niya na 'yon. She's pregnant and I am really really sure of that.
"I will. E ikaw? Ano palang balita sa inyo ni Reginy?" He asked and I just looked away when I suddenly felt the pain in my heart.
"Noong umalis ako, tulog pa siya. Ang sabi ni Ritsumi alam niya na ang lahat. Red made her remember everything." I said.
"Talaga? Hindi ba't sinubukan mo ring ipaalala sakaniya ang lahat pero nabigo ka?" I sighed deeply.
Ilang beses kong sinubukan na ipaalala sakaniya ang mga bagay patungkol sa amin noon pero nabigo ako. Walang nangyari. Hindi tulad noon noong nagtanan kami, isang sabi ko lang sakaniya ay naalala niya na ang lahat.
"Oo. I even took drugs for her to be triggered pero hindi e. Ayaw talaga."
"Bakit ganon? Bakit hindi parehas noong unang beses?"
"Ewan ko. Basta ang mahalaga naalala niya na ako ngayon. Kailangan ko nalang siyang kausapin."
Inakbayan niya ako at tinapik tapik nito ang balikat ko. This is his way of comforting me. Sinandal ko nalamang ang ulo ko sa balikat niya at hinayaan siya sa kung anong ginagawa sa balikat ko.
"I'm sorry man if nakikisabay pa ako sa gulo na meron ka."
"Gago. Sinasabi mo?" Tanong ko at sinuntok ko ang hita niya.
"Nakikisabay ako sa mga problemang dapat mong ayusin. You shouldn't be here with me heping me, but look at you. You're still one call away even if you have your own issues to settle."
Nagdadrama ba siya? This guy.
"Ganon kita kamahal baby." Malandi na sabi ko sakaniya at hinawakan ko ang hita niya.
"Tangina mong bakla ka." He said and he just laughed.
"You're a family to me, Luke. I'll do everything for you and for Raine. Always remember that." I said.
Madalas talaga pakiramdam ko mas sila pa ang pamilya ko kaysa sa mga taong totoong miyembro ng pamilya ko. Just look what my Dad did to me. Is that what family does? Fucking pieces of shits.
Atsaka alam ko ring once ako ang humingi ng tulong sakanila, they won't say no. They are also one call away. They will also stay beside my side and they won't leave me.
"I hope we'll solve all these problems that we have in time." He whispered.
"I hope too man."
"Anong ginagawa niyo?"
Umayos ako ng upo nang marinig ko ang boses ni Raine. I looked at him and he sat across the couch.
"Nagha heart to heart talk kami. Bakit?"
"Inom tayo?" Aya niya at napakunot ang noo ko sakaniya. Don't tell me he has a problem too?
"May problema ka ba?" Tanong ni Luke sakaniya. We're thinking the same.
Bigla siyang sumandal sa sofa at nagulat kami ni Luke nang bigla na lamang itong umiyak. Hindi ko napigilang matawa because man, he's legit crying! What the fuck?
"Hoy gago napano ka?" Tanong ni Luke sakaniya. "Bigla bigla ka nalang umiiyak diyan. Para kang tanga."
He wiped his tears and he sat properly. Pulang pula ang mga mata niya pati ang ilong nito. Iba talaga 'pag tisoy. Alagang Kojic 'to e.
"T-tangina mga men." He said at may pakagat kagat pa siya sa labi na siyang ikinatawa ko nanaman. Pinunasan niya ulit ang mga luha niya at tumingala pa siya para pigilan ang mga panibagong luha nito.
"Ano ba? Kinakabahan ako sa'yo." Luke said and I just continued laughing. Mukhang alam ko na kung saan papunta 'to.
"Single ka na ulit no?" Tanong ko atsaka ako humagalpak ng tawa. Ganitong ganito rin siya kay Jenny noon e!
Binatukan ako ni Luke at tumigil ako sa paghagalpak. Nilunok ko na lamang 'yon. Nakakahiya naman sakanilang dalawa.
"Hiniwalayan ako e." He said at napailing na lamang si Luke. Ganon din ako.
"Gago mo. Kasalanan mo. Huwag ka nang magtaka kung iniwan ka. Iiyak iyak ka pa riyan." Luke said and he stood up.
Sinandal ko na lamang ang sarili ko sa sofa at hinintay na makabalik si Luke. When he came back he has a bottle of whiskey and three glasses.
"Inom nalang tayo. Kasalanan mo 'yan. Ulol! Ilang beses ka na naming sinabihan." I said and gave him the glass with alcohol which he drank straight.
I guess we're having a bff goals here. All of us got our own problems. Fuck this life!
We all slept at Luke's house. Natulog kaming tatlo na magkakatabi sa kama niya. Nang magising kami ay naligo kami at kumain ng breakfast na niluto ni Tita Laura.
"Babalik ka ba sa bahay ng Papa mo ngayon, Luke?" Tita Laura asked.
"Yes, Mom."
"Ikaw Raine saan ka pupunta niyan?" I asked.
"Sasama ako sa'yo. I'll go and talk with Rej." Walang gana na sagot niya. Para siyang zombie ngayon. Matamlay ang fafa niyo. Malungkot ang kaniyang puso.
"Okay."
Nang matapos kaming kumain ay nagkahiwa hiwalay na kami. Raine and I drove home and I was feeling nervous while we were on our way. Sigurado na akong gising na siya ngayon at pwedeng pwede ko na siyang kausapin. Hindi ko alam kung ano bang dapat kong sabihin. Wala akong maisip at puro kaba lamang ang nasa utak ko. Damn! This is not so me.
Nang makarating kami ni Raine sa mansion ay bumaba kami agad ng sasakyan. Mas nauna pa siyang pumasok kaysa sa akin. He is probably excited to see Rej after knowing that she knows everything. Sinabi ko na sakaniya kagabi habang nag iinuman. I can clearly remember what he told me last night when I asked for an advice.
"Don't expect too much, Ryoga. Kahit alam na niya ang tungkol sainyo, huwag kang magpakampante na magiging okay na kayo. Baka nakakalimutan mo, may kasalanan ka pa sakaniya. Iniwan mo siya noong mga panahong ikaw lang ang kailangan niya. You chose to leave when she was begging for you to stay."
Iwinaglit ko sa isipan ko ang mga salitang 'yon at sinundan siya papunta sa taas. Mas lalo lamang ako pinapakaba ng advice niyang 'yon. Sana pala hindi na lang ako nagtanong. We stopped in front of Rej's room and he looked at me.
"Sige, ikaw na muna ang pumasok. Saka na ako." I said. "Mag usap muna kayong magkapatid."
"Sigurado ka?"
"Oo. Ayusin mo rin 'yang mukha mo. Mukha kang patay."
Sinamaan niya ako ng tingin atsaka siya pumasok sa loob. Naiwan akong mag isa rito at sinandal ko ang sarili ko sa pader. I closed my eyes and I started praying.
'Sana tanggapin niya na ako ulit.' I repeatedly prayed that on my mind. Pa ulit ulit at wala na akong alam na hihilingin pa kung 'di 'yan.
Ilang minuto akong naghintay hanggang sa narinig ko ang pagbukas ng pinto. Lumabas doon si Raine na mukhang kagagaling lang ulit sa iyak.
"Is she okay?" Tanong ko and she nodded.
"Go inside. Talk to her." He said and tapped my shoulders. "Dito lang ako. Hihintayin kita."
"Sige man."
Lumunok muna ako ng ilang beses at huminga nang malalim. Binuksan ko ang pinto at sobrang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko. Pucha! Atake pa yata sa puso ang ikamamatay ko? Para akong hina highblood. Bakit pa kasi crispy pata ang pulutan namin kagabi? Sino bang bumili non?!
Nang makapasok ako ay agad ko siyang nakita. Nakaupo siya sa kama at nakatingin na ito agad sa akin. Sinara ko ang pinto at unti unti akong naglakad papalapit sakaniya. Kinapalan ko na ang mukha ko at umupo ako sa tabi niya. I saw how her tears fall from her eyes. They are like river that won't stop flowing and it breaks my heart seeing her crying like this. She looks in pain.
"Rej..." Tawag ko sakaniya pero isang malakas na sampal ang sinagot niya sa akin.
I touched my face because damn, it fucking hurts. Kailan pa siya natutong manampal nang ganito kasakit? Putangina my precious face!
Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya pero mabilis niyang inalis ang pagkakahawak ko na para bang ayaw niyang hawakan ko siya. I get it. She's still mad at me and it didn't lessen. Mukhang nadagdagan pa nga yata ang galit niya sa akin.
"Aalis na lang muna ako. Tsaka na tayo mag usap kapag okay ka na." I stood up from the bed and I was ready to walk away when she spoke.
"Do you think I'll be okay, Ryoga?" She asked which made me stop. "Do you really think I'll be fine after everything?!"
I swallowed so hard and I turned around to face her again. Nakatayo na siya ngayon habang umiiyak sa harapan ko. Lumapit siya sa akin at sinugod niya nanaman ako. Halu halong sampal, hampas at suntok ang natanggap ko mula sakaniya. Hinayaan ko na lamang siyang saktan ako hanggang sa mauubusan siya ng lakas sa pananakit sa akin. Her knees felt weak that made her fall on the floor.
"R-Rej." Tawag ko sakaniya.
"H-how could you hide everything from me, Ryoga? How could you?!" She shouted and she looked up to look at me. Umiwas ako ng tingin sakaniya. Hindi ko siya kayang tignan nang ganito ang kalagayan niya.
"Iniwan mo 'ko para itago ang totoo sa akin! Bakit, ha?! Bakit?!"
She tried to stand up again at kumapit siya sa mga binti ko. Mabilis ko siyang tinulungan makatayo at hawak hawak ko siya sa mga braso niya.
"How could you leave me like that just to hide your problem from me?"
So she knows about my problem too. They probably told her. I looked her at her eyes and my tears are ready to flow but I am just stopping them.
"I got scared, and leaving you was the only choice that I had that time." Sagot ko.
"Ryoga, I was your girlfriend! Anong palagay mo sa akin? Hindi kayang tanggapin kung sino ka at ano ka?! Putangina, Ryoga! Tinanggap ko lahat nang tungkol sa'yo. Buong pagkatao mo yinakap ko, simula ulo hanggang talampakan mo minahal ko! Tapos dahil sa putanginang sakit mong 'yan, iniwan mo 'ko!"
"H-hindi kita gustong iwanan, Reginy. If only you knew how much pain I felt that time. Mahirap din sa akin 'yon." My tears fell and I bit my lower lip.
"You're telling me about your pain? Did you ever know how much pain did I feel that time too? I begged Ryoga. Nagmakaawa ako sa'yo nang ilang beses, naging desperada balikan mo lang at bawiin ang mga sinabi mo pero wala kang ginawa. You still left!"
"I just did that to protect you!"
"To protect me?" She laughed a bit. "Saan ako dinala nang pagpoprotekta mo sa akin? You still ended up hurting me! You really did what that fucking Yoshikawa told me when I was a kid! You still let yourself to hurt me! Sinaktan mo pa rin ako! Binaboy mo pa rin ako! You still made my life a miserable one!"
"R-Rej..." She started hitting me again and this time I am stopping her. It pains me that she's telling these words to me.
"Walang kwenta ang pag iwan mo sa akin dahil doon din tayo nauwi! Mas lalo lang akong sinaktan nang pag iwan mo at paglimot sa'yo! Kasalanan mo! Sinira mo tayo!"
"Reginy!" I shouted and I hugged her so tight. Nagpumiglas siya sa pagkakayakap ko pero mas lalo ko lamang siyang ikinulong sa mga bisig ko.
"I loved you with all of my heart! I could accept everything about you, Ryoga! I could accept you even you have Yoshikwa with in your mind. I could give my a-all to you. I-if you have just told me."
Parehas kaming napasalampak sa sahig pero hindi ko pa rin inaalis ang pagkakayakap ko sakaniya. Kapwa kaming umiiyak pero mas masakit ang iyak niya kumpara sa akin. She's sobbing so hard that I couldn't even understand some of her words.
"Kung sinabi mo lang, handa akong manatili sa tabi mo hanggang sa maubos a-ako. Ganon kita minahal Ryoga, pero isinantabi mo lang ang pagmamahal ko sa'yo." She tried to push me again but I hugged her tighter. I don't want to let her go.
"Bitawan mo 'ko."
"N-no."
"Sabi ko, bitawan mo 'ko. Bitawan mo 'ko just like how you easily let go of me before! Like I was nothing to you!"
"You were not nothing to me, Rej. Sobra lang din kitang mahal na natakot ako sa sarili ko. Please baby. Please, understand me." I answered back and my voice craked at the end.
She was still pushing me and I loosen up. Humiwalay ako sakaniya at hinawakan ko ang magkabila niyang pisngi.
"Mahal na mahal kita." I said and I felt like my heart got broken nang umiling siya nang pa ulit ulit.
"I'm s-sorry. But I don't feel the same way as before." Inalis niya ang pagkakahawak ko sa magkabilang pisngi niya.
"No. Y-you still love me, Rej. Ako pa rin 'di ba? Ngayong nagbalik na ang alaala mo, ako ang mahal mo."
Pinilit niyang tumayo at humiwalay sa akin pero hindi ko siya hinayaan. I am holding her both hands.
"Rej, tell me it's still me. Please." I begged.
"Ryoga, six years. I lived a life on those six fucking years hating you for what you did. Hindi porket bumalik na ang alaala nating dalawa sa akin, ay okay na. Dahil hindi. Hindi mapapalitan nang magandang alaala natin ang masamang nangyari sa pagitan natin." I suddenly felt so weak. She pushed me and she took that advantage to stand up.
"Do you think I can still live a life with you even with those memories? Dahil sa totoo lang, sana hindi nalang pinaalala sa akin ang mga alaalalang 'yon. Mas mabubuhay ako nang maayos kung wala 'yon sa utak ko. Kasi hindi ko matanggap sa sarili ko na..." She paused for a while. "Na nagmahal ako nang isang katulad mo."
Parang piniga ang puso ko sa mga huling salita na sinabi niya. Nagsisisi ba siya na minahal niya ako? Putangina.
"I didn't like what Yoshikawa did to you." I said. "And that wasn't even me! Why would you hate me where all I did was loving you?! I just wanted to protect you from myself, Reginy!"
"But leaving me wasn't your last option! We have our families to help! They could help us! Pero dahil sa maling desisyon na ginawa mo, nagtanim ako ng galit sakanila! Kinamuhian ko sila dahil sa'yo! Nagalit ako sa Kuya ko, kina Kuya Luke, sa mga kaibigan ko, kina Tita Laura! Anim na taon kong inilayo ang sarili ko sakanila!"
"Rej, I was sick. I am sick. Please, kahit 'yon nalang ang isipin mo."
"Hindi, Ryoga. Ke may sakit ka man o wala, hindi na natin maibabalik pa kung anong nangyari. Wether you're sick or not, you still raped me. It was still you. Period."
My heart broke to a million pieces again. Hindi ako makapag salita at parang may bumara sa lalamunan ko. I looked down on the floor and let my tears fall.
Ginawa ko naman ang lahat maprotektahan siya sa paraan na alam ko, pero bakit sa akin pa rin ang sisi? Oo, nagkamali akong iwanan siya pero 'yon na lamang ang tanging paraan na alam ko, mailigtas lang siya.
"I can live a life with you anymore. Kaya sana, tama na. Hayaan mo na lamang ako."
"Rej." Tawag ko sakaniya at lumuhod ako sa harapan niya. "Nagmamakaawa ako. Huwag mong gawin sa akin 'to. Ang tagal kitang hinanap. Ang tagal kong hinintay 'to. A-ayusin natin 'to, please. May anak tayo."
I don't want Ivan to live without a complete family. I want him to live a normal life just like others and I want him to give the best family that I didn't have. Ayokong maranasan ng anak ko ang mga bagay na naranasan ko noon.
"Ivan knows already that you are his father. Hahayaan kitang magpakaama sakaniya."
"Rej, please." I hugged her legs to beg more. "Please, baby. Don't do this to me."
"No. Now you know how much pain I felt when I begged from you but didn't get anything."
She pushed me at napaupo ako sa sahig. I looked at her and she sat on the bed, silently crying.
"Get out. I don't want to see your face anymore."
"Rej, mag usap pa tayo."
"Umalis ka na."
"Please." I begged again and she looked at me. She wiped her tears before speaking up.
"Huwag mong hintayin na bawiin ko pati ang pagiging ama mo kay Ivan." She said which made me smile. I am scared that she might do that.
"Okay. I'll go." I said and stood up. Madali lang naman akong kausap.
Naglakad ako papuntang pinto at mabilis kong pinunasan ang mga luha ko bago lumabas. I don't want them to see me like this. I opened the door and immediately closed it.
"Daddy!"
I made myself happy when I heard his voice. Tumakbo papalapit sa akin si Ivan at mabilis ko siyang yinakap.
"I waited for you last night but you didn't come." Nagtatampo na sabi niya.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't say things if you won't do it. Okay? I don't like it."
"O-okay." I answered.
I looked up when Raine tapped my shoulders. Ngumiti ako sakaniya na parang walang iniinda na sakit sa dibdib ko. Tumayo ako at binuhat si Ivan na nakayakap pa rin sa akin.
"Okay ka lang?" He asked and I made my smile even brighter.
"Oo naman. Duh? Si Ryoga yata 'to." Mayabang na sabi ko.
"Gago mo. Ako pa niloko mo."
"Inom?"
"Saan dito o punta tayo kina Luke?"
"Daddy, don't go. Sleep here tonight. Sleep with me." Bulong ni Ivan na nagpangiti sa akin.
"I won't go then." I told him. "Bukas nalang pala. Tatawagan kita." Sabi ko kay Raine atsaka ito tumango.
"Una na ako. Puntahan ko nalang si Luke. Call me if something happens."
"Ge. Ingat."
Umalis si Raine at dumiretso kami ni Ivan sa kwarto niya. I put him on his bed and locked the door so no one will disturb us. Ayokong may isang asungot na nagngangalang Red Sibal ang basta basta nalang papasok dito at magbibida bida nanaman.
"What do you want to do?" I asked Ivan.
"Anything." Masayang sagot niya.
I sat beside him and I held his hand. His tiny hand that looks so cute. I kissed his hand and I saw how his smile flastered on his face. Kitang kita ko ang pagmumukha ko at mukha ni Reginy sa mukha niya. He really got both of our genes.
"Do you love me?" I asked him.
"Ofcourse I love you po. You are my father." I smiled with his answer but it doesn't make me satisfied. I am thinking about Red. I am scared that he would choose my brother over me.
"I love you too."
"I know po."
"Do you love...Red?"
"Opo naman." Mabilis din na sagot niya.
"Who do you love more? Me or Red?" I asked.
I know asking a kid about who he loves more isn't good. But I want to make sure that my son will choose me over him. Because I can't assure if Reginy will choose me.
"Why are you comparing my love for you and my love for Uncle Red?" Tanong niya na nagpangiti sa akin. He's really smart.
"I just want to know."
"Syempre ikaw po. You are my father so I should love you more than anyone."
"That's good to hear then."
Atleast I know my son loves me. I'll do everything just to have my family complete.
And I'll make sure Reginy will crawl back to me.